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do I call the police?

(49 Posts)
LotusMoths Wed 20-Jan-16 21:02:12

Husband has a temper due to abusive upbringing.
He has lost his temper before during rows and sworn, called me names, pushed, kicked me, and put his hand around my neck.
Never very hard. And I've retaliated before too.

I've made it clear how unacceptable this behaviour is and I won't stay with someone who treats me like this.
We've been married for 9 years.

He's been a lot better in recent years. He's made a huge effort to keep his temper under control and be a better husband. He hasn't been violent for at least a year.

Tonight we had a row walking home from the train station after being away for a few days.
We swore and was a bit unpleasant with each other.
I said something, he put his headphones in so he couldn't hear me.
I pulled them out again, accidentally scratching his cheek with my long nails.
He hit me quite hard. Not with a closed fist, but with an open hand, like a slap.

It really stings. He keeps apologising and protesting that I hurt him first.

I'm in shock and can't stop crying.

pocketsaviour Wed 20-Jan-16 21:04:10

Yes, please call them. This can't go on, love flowers

Potatoface2 Wed 20-Jan-16 21:05:31

you both sound abusive....not right on either you want him arrested?

elephantoverthehill Wed 20-Jan-16 21:05:41

If you are asking the question quite possibly you already know the answer. Sorry not much help but I think you need to decide.

category12 Wed 20-Jan-16 21:05:50

If you stay again, you're giving the green light for more of the same again. You've said you won't stay with someone who behaves like this. Time to keep that promise to yourself.

TimeToMuskUp Wed 20-Jan-16 21:06:19

Phone them and tell them what you've written here. That he's lost his temper and hurt you before. You know it can't continue.

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 20-Jan-16 21:07:45

Yes call them, and work out a plan for leaving.

Don't excuse his behaviour because of his upbringing. That's not okay. If he's saying sorry and then blaming you, he's not really sorry.

The fact he has grabbed your throat means you are in danger.

Call them now.

Iwantakitchen Wed 20-Jan-16 21:08:02

Are you ready to split up? Is there anywhere you can go? Because you have to leave him, wether you call the police or not.

JimmyChoosChimichanga Wed 20-Jan-16 21:08:26

I don't think you should call the Police but you should divorce him or mutually agree to separate. It's a fine big grand lovely world out there OP, beyond this shite relationship I mean! Step a toe out, you will love it!

Doublebubblebubble Wed 20-Jan-16 21:08:28

I would. Having said that, this doesn't sound AT ALL like a healthy relationship... I would get out sooner rather than later x

LotusMoths Wed 20-Jan-16 21:09:53

What will happen if I call them?
He's in the lounge crying.

PeppasNanna Wed 20-Jan-16 21:14:27

Seriously, what do you want the police to do?

The relationship sounds very unhealthy.

Stay together & continue as you are.

Or split up.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 20-Jan-16 21:18:26

He's crying. Oh dear. Poor injured him. My heart bleeds.

What would be the harm in calling the police? Why wouldn't you?

Why is he still in the house anyway?

I've made it clear how unacceptable this behaviour is and I won't stay with someone who treats me like this.
So now he has done it again. And you are still in the house with him. And you are feeling sorry for him You are actually being clear that you'll do fuck all when he treats you like this.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 20-Jan-16 21:21:28

^I said something, he put his headphones in so he couldn't hear me.
I pulled them out again, accidentally scratching his cheek with my long nails.
He hit me quite hard. Not with a closed fist, but with an open hand, like a slap.^

If someone pulled my headphones out accidentally scratching my cheek in the process, I might accidentally slap them by way of a reflex action.

He's got a visible scratch on his cheek; you've got a stinging cheek that's unlikely to look much different than it usually does.

I can't see that anything can be gained by calling the police as it seems to be a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other and, unless you have a well-documented history of his previous violence towards you, it may well be that the police will take the view that were the aggressor on this occasion.

WonderingAspie Wed 20-Jan-16 21:22:58

I know you said you accidently scratched him, but he could say you are lying, you also state that you have retaliated before as well. It sounds like an all round bad relationship and you should split up. Phone the police if you think you should but I'm not sure you would be blameless if your DH told his side of the story too.

Ready123 Wed 20-Jan-16 21:23:44

Please leave him. This is a completely unhealthy and violent relationship.
As for calling the police, you need to think about how you are going to feel when he brings up all of the times you have "retaliated" and the fact that you seem to have physically hurt him first tonight. While that does not in any way excuse what he has done, violence towards him is not acceptable either and the police are likely to make that clear to you.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime Wed 20-Jan-16 21:25:26

you both sound abusive....not right on either account.

Neither of your behaviour is good.

The relationship is very toxic

Gobbolino6 Wed 20-Jan-16 21:26:21

To be honest, pulling his headphones out wasn't very respectful. Not that he was being respectful either.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Do you want it to end?

Throwingshade Wed 20-Jan-16 21:34:01

This won't change. He won't change. You are in an abusive relationship.

How depressing that you were encouraged by the fact he hadn't pushed, kicked or put his hands around your throat for a year.

Just leave. Don't think anymore about it. Don't analyse, don't talk to him, just leave. Decide it now, today. Tonight. Do it.

SixtyFootDoll Wed 20-Jan-16 21:37:39

If you call the police , he will be arrested.
Majority of forces adopt positive action.
Even if you don't want it to go to court.
Not trying to put you off, but that's how it works.
He should any have hit you.

I am not going to tell you what you should do, you know what you want to do.

SixtyFootDoll Wed 20-Jan-16 21:38:10

not have hit you

QuiteLikely5 Wed 20-Jan-16 21:40:06

I don't think you should call the police. I think he should call a therapist.

Yy there will be flames for me but unfortunately people do experience abuse growing up and when their response to stress kicks in they resort to what their experiences taught them. Your dp seems like he is trying to go against the grain so I think he needs expert help in over coming it.

What you did was also out of order

Canyouforgiveher Wed 20-Jan-16 21:42:04

In the particular instance you described today, you were both toxic/abusive. you went to grab his headphones out of his ears and scratched his cheek. If a man did that to his wife MNers would be telling her to call the police. He slapped you across the face. Equally awful and abusive. You are in a toxic, unhealthy, violent relationship. Get out of it.

If the best thing you can say about a relationship is that he hasn't been violent for a year (start the clock again now) surely you can see how awful that is.

Separate, divorce, get some help to see why you put up with this/engaged in the violence he introduced to your life. as someone said, there is a whole good world out there.

Canyouforgiveher Wed 20-Jan-16 21:45:40

Husband has a temper due to abusive upbringing.

And just to add, how do you know this? He has a temper. And he had an abusive upbringing. These two things might be connected but might not. Plenty of people who had an abusive upbringing aren't violent.

Also ask yourself does he often get into trouble being violent to his bosses/co workers/friends/acquaintances or is it just you?

Redglitter Wed 20-Jan-16 21:46:49

Has he got a mark from where you scratched him? If he has you need to think very carefully about calling. The police can only go with evidence. If he says he hit you cos you scratched him and he has the marks to show it you could both be arrested.

Whatever you do tonight I'd say your relationship is over. Hitting each other is not normal behaviour

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