Hiya, I'm a long-term lurker, occasional poster, and I just wanted to say how much this board and its wonderful, wise, no-nonsense posters have helped me. Without me even having to ask :)
Brief story: about 5 months ago, I met (via OLD) a man, and we started seeing each other. There were a few niggles, but I though 'hey, no one's perfect'. After Christmas we had a great (overnight) date, and the next day we spent the whole day together, talking and ahem other stuff. That evening I had arranged to meet a friend, and he seemed fine with that. We parted with affection and plans to meet again.
An hour later, he called me, ragingly, blindingly angry. He was almost incoherent, but it seemed that he felt that, by arranging to meet someone else, I was 'treating him like shit' and 'being incredibly selfish'. He said he never wanted to see me again, called me all sorts of things and said that I was "lucky we weren't having this conversation face to face".
I was blindsided. I couldn't work out why this was happening, and I just wanted everything back the way it was. To my shame, I wrote a long, self-flagellating email, apologising for hurting him, begging him to talk to me so we could work it out and promising to be better in future. 24 hours passed, and he sent me a terse email, acknowledging my apology and saying he did want to see me after all.
I was massively relieved. This was a blip and we could pretend it never happened. And then a little voice sounded in my head, warning me that I was scared of him. He hadn't apologised for the way he spoke to me, so I sent a careful email, asking him why he had reacted that way, if he could assure me it wouldn't happen again, and what exactly he had meant by the "face to face" comment. He didn't like that, angry emails and calls followed, and the upshot is, I'm never going to see or speak to him again (my choice).
So thank you mumsnet, for:
Teaching me about red flags
For warning me that, when someone shows you what they're like, you should listen the first time
That all abusive relationships start out nice, then gradually escalate
That if I accepted this, it would be worse next time
That you should never, ever spend time with someone who frightens you.
That there can be many, many good bits about a person, but some things are just dealbreakers.
I hadn't anticipated how hard it would be to walk away, and how much I would miss him and think stupid stuff about 'if I could just show him how a real relationship works, we could be happy together' or even 'well, if he does it again, then I'll DEFINITELY leave next time'. But I thought about a few other little things he'd said and done, that I'd either let go at the time, or dismissed as a joke, and about what you beautiful nest of vipers would say, and decided to just LTB.
Sorry, but of an essay! But just -- thanks :)
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
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An enormous, massive thank you to Mumsnet
tigermoll · 20/01/2016 16:00
Rah rah!
Blardy well done old girl. Not easy to get out, even at the start 
What a dick. Urgh. He who must be obeyed.
Thanks guys! I definitely feel I had a lucky escape. But it did show me how hard it is to gather up your pride and just go. Even though I was getting out so early , I spent ages wondering about how I could fix things, if I was over reacting, what I had done to make him behave like that, worrying about how upset he must be, remembering how close we were, blah blah blah. And it really was the mantras that I've heard so many times on these boards that got me through -- the angry, shouting him is the REAL him, the nice him was him on his best behaviour. I imagined that I was reading about the situation on MN and what I would say to me (or what some of our more forthright posters might say 
)
One thing is for sure, though -- I'll never roll my eyes again at someone who is right in the middle of a difficult situation and think "FGS woman, tell him to do one". It was harder, much harder, than I'd thought it would be to trust myself.
I only just had my toes in the edge of something that might have turned scary, -- looking back, some of the other red flags were:
He had "got into fights in the past" and still seemed very comfortable with the idea of violence
He had some odd ideas about men and women and if I said/demonstrated that I wasn't like that, he said that I was 'the exception'
He was cagey about details of his life, but wanted to know every single detail of mine
In 5 months, he never suggested that I meet his friends, or invited me to anything
Magpie - when I told him I didn't want to see or speak to him again, he sent some angry-but-wounded emails. He also called a few times, but I didn't pick up -- again, that was me being a bitch. He was incensed that I was 'pretending to be scared of him'. He was also weirdly fixated on me still coming along to something we'd planned (don't want to out myself). Despite me saying clearly and repeatedly that I would NOT be there, he thought I was being extremely ungrateful. Bizarre.
Wow. That was a real scary one! I'm so glad you listened to the 'voice in your head' and recognised the real him. Well done, you!
Thanks, too, for what you've said about trusting your judgement. I think that'll bolster a lot of women fighting the urge to please, appease, and make everything alright.
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