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It's long, I'm so in the wrong, but I'm in a mess and need a place to talk...

(425 Posts)
AnotherFineMess16 Wed 20-Jan-16 15:34:46

... if you could see your way fit to let me and reach a hand into the flames that I suspect are about to engulf me. I'm ready.

Nobody knows any of this. Some people know some things, but nobody knows it all apart from me and him. I suppose I'm at the point now I need an outside, objective opinion from somebody who, yes, might judge, but will do so from a place of fairness and neutrality (I hope). I thank you in advance.

16 years ago, I embarked on an 2 year long affair. He was married, I was single. I was 24, he was 30. Yes, there were kids involved, I know it was wrong, but I did it. I have no excuses, unless love/infatuation/lust is one. There is no other. It was wrong, we were wrong, I knew it, he knew it, yet we did it. There is nothing I can do to change that now. Long story short, he left his then wife and we were together. About a year afterwards, he dumped me from a great height. Completely out of the blue and it devastated me. "Karma" I hear you cry? Maybe so, I don't believe in it particularly, but this was certainly payback. A couple of months later, he came to me to tell me that he had gotten another girl pregnant. The dates suggest that she was impregnated either very close to the end of our relationship or just before. I have never had the stomach to ask too many questions, we were over anyway and I was already in a very, very dark place and physically and mentally could not cope with any more at this point. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I was in pieces. He wanted me back several times thereafter, but I couldn't and wouldn't. And, as it does, life moved on and so did I eventually. We stayed in touch throughout the years. The odd text, mail or (drunken) phone call. Ashamed to say there were a few nights together in there too. He would always tell me he made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go. I agreed with him. There is huge back story about his now ex wife and family and their (justified) hatred of me that also led to him dumping me, but the buck stopped with him and he just didn't love me enough, no matter what he says. I, however, sap that I am, always loved him, but the damage was so done and so was I. The whole thing really scarred me.

9 years ago I met a man. A lovely, kind, responsible man who I respected and had a deep fondness for. I knew I didn't love him passionately but I knew he would never let me down. Our sex life was never very good, but being in whatever dillusional frame of mind I was at that time, I thought I could live without it and that there was much more to life than sex. I was 31. We eventually married. We did not have sex on our honeymoon. In fact, we very rarely had sex at all. I would never tell anyone or disaparage my husband IRL, but he was unable to perform most of the times we tried. We eventually stopped even trying nearly 4 years ago. We haven't been intimate since. We both decided we'd like a child together, so as I had my own 'wimmins' problems, we used that as our excuse to go for IVF. We were very lucky and successful and we now have one child. It doesn't take a genius to work out the next bit...

Enter original MM. We got back in touch, we met, we slept together 4 months ago. We have now met 9 more times (it would be more but we live a distance apart) and have spoken/text/mailed eachother every day since. And here comes the cliche and I can hear myself, I know what I sound like, a fuckin' stupid idiot, but I love him. And I believe he loves me. We want to be together, properly and just do it right this time. Although, I accept it's been a very shitty start. Shortly after this first meeting, I finally sat with my husband and told him what I should have done months if not years previously, that the marriage was over. I did not tell him about the OM. We are now separated, although we continue to live together until we can find a suitable place for him to move into. We will co-parent our child and we are amicable right now. Probably due, in no small part to the fact that he doesn't know about OM. I know that we would have separated soon, regardless of the OM entering my life again. I was a fool to think otherwise.

OM is in a LTR, however, they are also in separate bedrooms, he tells me. I do believe him, as gullible as that makes me sound. He has told me he will leave in the next 6 months but he wants to make the break as 'gentle' as possible. They have no children together, but she has 2, one of which is a teenager and lives with them. He feels responsibility towards this child as well as wanting to spare his partner as much as possible. I do not agree with his strategy, but it is his plan so I will leave him to do it. We have agreed to have no more meetings and very reduced contact for the coming months until such time as we are free to pursue a legitmate relationship.

God, I do love him but I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him and I'm so worried I'm going to be hurt again. Yet, yet, yet, I can't seem to stop it. What am I even asking for here? From you? I don't know really. A big bucket of wake up and smell the coffee maybe? I'm a fucking mess. Are we completely selfish bastards? Are we wrong for wanting to be together and have some sort of happiness for the rest of our days? Can anyone out there, any of you, see any hope or happiness coming out of this? I'm not a fool, really. I know we're not some modern day Romeo and Juliette, I know there is no such thing as 'soul mates' but if there were, he seems to be mine. He's my lobster... Has anyone had anything similar happen? Maybe you could tell me how it turned out? OK. I'm braced. Thanks for reading.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated Wed 20-Jan-16 15:37:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iseenodust Wed 20-Jan-16 15:43:12

He cheated on his wife to shag you.
He cheated on you to shag another.
He is cheating on his current partner to shag you.
I'm seeing a pattern.

Christinayangstwistedsista Wed 20-Jan-16 15:43:17


Okay, you seemed to have spend your adulthood staggering from one dysfunctional relationship to another, never being with someone who can give 100%. You need to be on your own, sort out whatever the hell is wrong that makes you accept shitty relationships and be happy with yourself

CheersMedea Wed 20-Jan-16 15:46:16

>>>OM is in a LTR, however, they are also in separate bedrooms, he tells me

Hahahahahaha. Ok. I've stopped laughing now. Come off it! You can't seriously believe this can you.

That aside, there's nothing anyone can say here.

You love this man for some reason. You will do what you want to do. Some people have a toxic magnet draw for their victims. And they are victims.

For what it's worth, I don't judge you. Good people do stupid things all the time! You aren't selfish for wanting to be happy at all - but I doubt this man will make you happy.

You know full well that the best thing for your emotional health and sanity is to walk away. But you surely won't do that.

I have to say that I seriously doubt that he will leave in "the next 6 months". You watch - it will become "I can't tell her yet" and so forth.

Your relationship began as an affair; that was its starting dynamic. When you were together properly it didn't last. Now again, you are in an affair situation and it all seems great. But if you become the partner of this man, he'll cheat on you. His history shows he's a cheater.

I wouldn't worry at all about trusting him. You won't ever be able to trust him! And you are right not to. Get with him and you are signing yourself up for a lifetime of hurt and STI test when I say lifetime, I mean until he leaves you for his next mistress

Life is short and if this makes you happy now, go for it. You need to realise it will come at a serious emotional cost long term.

DragonsCanHop Wed 20-Jan-16 15:51:43

I think you need to find out what person you really are and I believe you can only do that on your own.

He has shit on you and others before and will no doubt do it again, you will be a fool for allowing him to do that to you again. Try and remember just how bad he made you feel way back then.

Leviticus Wed 20-Jan-16 15:57:01

Gross. All of it.

Your poor families.

GNRmama Wed 20-Jan-16 16:00:15

I'm sorry but I think he's going to be stringing you along for as long as you let him

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Wed 20-Jan-16 16:00:32

He cheated with you.

He cheated on you.

He cheated with you.

.....(fill in the blacks ad infinitum)

Wake up, grow up and give yourself a shake. He is a snake and you're not much better.

AnotherFineMess16 Wed 20-Jan-16 16:01:16

Thank you all. This is what I expected and wanted to hear. Some straight talking about the exact type of cunt he and I both are. Some of it has been kind, in fact. I did not expect that. But, the night is young. I'm listening and taking it all on board, believe me. And yes, Leviticus, it is very, very gross. I can't even defend myself. I don't know what is wrong with me, I really don't... It's like DragonsCanHop says, maybe I need to find out what person I really am. I don't like this one very much right now, I know that.

CheersMedea Wed 20-Jan-16 16:02:47

Can I also ask you when you say:

We got back in touch,

How exactly did this happen? Did you track him down? Or did he contact you?

I know where I'd put my money but I'm interested in your answer.

AnotherFineMess16 Wed 20-Jan-16 16:03:56

And Christina.... too, thank you too for saying a similar thing to Dragons. I intend to use the coming months to just be on my own. Really. It's what comes next I'm not sure about. I know you think me foolish, heck, I think myself foolish too. BUT, I think he will leave his LTR. I now need to decide if I'm going to give him a chance. It's a massive gamble.

AnotherFineMess16 Wed 20-Jan-16 16:05:09

CheersMadea, we have had contact over the years, on and off. The contact prior to the meeting where we had sex was me. Sex starved, egotistical fool. I know.

cailindana Wed 20-Jan-16 16:05:32

You have a massive self-destructive tendency, why is that?

Badders123 Wed 20-Jan-16 16:05:49

Grow up and move on and find some self respect.

AnotherFineMess16 Wed 20-Jan-16 16:07:00

Cailindana, do you know, this is something I didn't even realise I had. Until now. I really don't know, I really don't. I am, for the most part, pretty together in my life. He seems to be the weakness. I can tell you though, I'm doing a lot of thinking about it now.

cailindana Wed 20-Jan-16 16:08:17

The weakness of alcoholics is drink. They'll keep going back for more no matter how stupid it seems. Your weakness is someone who treats you like shit - you get some sort of kick out of it. Why?

AnotherFineMess16 Wed 20-Jan-16 16:09:39

Again, I don't know. Maybe I'm under the (dis)illusion that we could be happy together and, well, God help me, I love the bastard. I can't explain, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the whole sordid fucking mess.

Christinayangstwistedsista Wed 20-Jan-16 16:10:07

Please do not go near this man, he is a serial cheat and will do it to you again

You are not gross but your behaviour is not good, you keep hurting people ( including g yourself)

Take time to figure out why you are willing to accept so little from men

MoreGilmoreGirls Wed 20-Jan-16 16:10:31

Please get dome professional help. You are in an out of control destructive circle. He is a bastard he is still shagging his partner. He will continue to hurt you and chest on you. You are not a bad person and yes you deserve to be happy. This man will not make you happy. You need to find out why you are unable to break away from him. You can sort yourself out. But you need to be on your own.

Good luck OP. I'm sure there will be plenty of judging. Personally I think you are very damaged and need help.

Fontella Wed 20-Jan-16 16:10:41

You sound like a match made in heaven. Both a pair of cheating liars, and neither one of you seems to have learned anything from your past.

You had an affair with him when you knew he was married with kids and was cheating on his wife. He cheated on you, he's cheating on his current partner, you cheated on your husband and lied to him about the reason for breaking up. You don't sound like you have any morals between the pair of you.

And what about the kids left trailing in your wakes?

You write as if it's some kind of 'love' story. It ain't. It's just another sordid tale.

cailindana Wed 20-Jan-16 16:11:16

You're playing out some sort of drama where you're this terrible woman who loves this terrible man. It's bizarre. But you're enjoying it.

nilbyname Wed 20-Jan-16 16:11:24

Your life isn't a made for TV drama! Jeez you sound so self absorbed!

He's a no count bastard and you seem to be satisfied with that. He is a liar and has lied to you all the time. Why don't you think you deserve more than that?

Think of your dd- is this the role model she deserves?

CheersMedea Wed 20-Jan-16 16:11:33

The contact prior to the meeting where we had sex was me.

Yes - that was what I suspected tbh. He doesn't need you. He's not your "lobster" otherwise he'd have chased you down years ago.

You are only in this present situation because you contacted him and offered yourself to him on a plate. He wouldn't have bothered because he can get sex as when he wants it from the latest passing fad.

I will wager you that in 6 months time he won't have left her.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Wed 20-Jan-16 16:11:54

Another, you know you did wrong, so I'm not going to repeat all that.

Please don't go back to this loser.

There are literally billions of other men in the world. You have tried to make things work with this man, he is a dud. He's useless. A cheat and a liar. Yes you've got chemistry, but you will have chemistry with loads of men.

Cross him off the list. He's an ego boost. He's not the love of your life and he never can be.

You need to find a way to move on and be alone for a bit. Give yourself a chance to find a decent man, who you have chemistry with. They exist! Don't settle for one or the other.

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