Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Keep seeing him or let go?

(25 Posts)
tobbay Wed 20-Jan-16 10:04:38

Been seeing a guy fir about 1 month. We get on, same age, loads in common and it's generally going great with lots of potential.

But.... The weekend just gone he shut down, stopped texting, talking and completely shut me out. Then he was extra nice on Monday, almost grovelling. Saw him last night for a talk and he basically said that he will 70% be moving up north (we live in cambridge) in July but still wants to see me as he MIGHT change his mind. He described it as there is not enough of a pull to make him buy here. Obviously it's early days in our relationship but isn't he basically saying I'm not special enough to stay here for? He has no ties up north apart from one friend and the houses are cheaper.
Is there any point in keeping seeing him as we would just get deeper in the relationship so it would hurt more when he left?
Or, more importantly, do I deserve more?
Or am I reading too much into it?
I just feel that if he thought it was going well (which he does) why not wait a few more months so we are further into the relationship and then make the decision?
He has to give his notice by May as he's a teacher...

I'm just a bit confused about how to take this and where to go from here.
Amy opinions would be great.

Lowlylola Wed 20-Jan-16 10:10:01

In my experience, by three weeks I knew he was head-over-heels for me. It's painful letting go but if he's really into you he'll leave you in no doubt. We met on a Sunday then following Friday & every day since. Many of them just can't see what fabulous women they're meeting, they're constantly on the look out for something better.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Jan-16 10:15:04

Next....

RedMapleLeaf Wed 20-Jan-16 10:24:31

I'd be more worried about last weekend than May. Let him go, 3 weeks in he should be besotted with you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 20-Jan-16 10:27:42

Why should he base his life decisions around a woman he's been dating for a month! Fgs woman that's ridiculous. Doesn't matter how special you are, it would be a total red flag if he considered you a reason not to move at this point!
Move on.

TPel Wed 20-Jan-16 10:30:14

I agree with Red. What was he up to last weekend?

It as only been a few weeks. It isn't worth the drama tbh.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 20-Jan-16 10:33:23

3 weeks in he should be besotted with you

Why? 3 weeks in is such early days. Nobody should be besotted at 3 weeks.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 20-Jan-16 10:35:27

Why?

Because it's natural, it's hormones and it's fun. Secret smile on the lips, warm glow in the belly...

Offred Wed 20-Jan-16 10:46:52

Besotted or not I wouldn't think an emotionally healthy adult would put their life on hold for a person they had been dating for 3 weeks.

Whether you carry on or not depends on what you want. If his intention is to move then that probably explains him going cold. Him coming back probably means he decided he wanted to carry on seeing you until he goes.

If you want to move towards a proper relationship with him then I'd knock it on the head now before you get too invested, given he intends to move away.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 20-Jan-16 10:48:10

Besotted or not I wouldn't think an emotionally healthy adult would put their life on hold for a person they had been dating for 3 weeks

I agree with this, I was just being a bit silly obsidian.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 20-Jan-16 10:48:40

Sorry, guess that should have been addressed to both Os.

Isetan Wed 20-Jan-16 11:03:11

Whether he stays or goes is his decision but it isn't fair on you to expect you to hang around while he makes up his mind, so yes, it's time to move on.

CheersMedea Wed 20-Jan-16 11:10:42

I'd just chill out and see what happens if you like him. 90% of what people worry about never happens.

If before he'd met you he'd made a decision to move north for personal reasons, it's unreasonable to think he'd totally change that after 3 weeks. That would be crazy decision making.

He may not move. He may move but want to keep seeing you (and who knows it may work well and you move there/he moves back). You may decide after a while you don't really like him.

Stop worrying and enjoy seeing him if you like him.

Custard314 Wed 20-Jan-16 11:18:32

I'd be cautious at this point (him and you). I mean, if his plan was to move up north then he'd be foolish to miss out on buy a house.

But I suspect it's a way of testing the water with you. Telling you that he's here, for now, but this isn't serious, don't get used to this.

So I'd tell him ok, if he's going up North you accept that and you might date a few other people. See what response you get to that.

2rebecca Wed 20-Jan-16 11:31:18

If the relationship works you may decide to join him up north. I wouldn't base my career plans around a boyfriend I'd seen for 3 weeks. Were your previous boyfriends unambitious or older and more settled?
It sounds as though he was looking for jobs elsewhere before he met you and if he doesn't have a house in Cambridge then isn't that tied to the area.
If you like him you see how things go, if you aren't that bothered (and you do seem more concerned with your desire to tie him to Cambridge than his desire for a better/ different job so don't sound that in to him and his happiness which is fair enough at 3 weeks) then let him go.

stumblymonkey Wed 20-Jan-16 11:56:39

Forget analysing what he thinks about you. Focus on what you think of him and whether this situation is right for you...is it worth YOUR time to be with someone who goes MIA for a couple of days and is probably moving soon anyway?

I think not. I would, in a totally non-blaming way, thank him for the the lovely time you've had together, say that considering he has plans to possibly move away its for the best that you are only friends and start dating other people.

tobbay Wed 20-Jan-16 12:29:43

I totally don't want to tie him to Cambridge, I just don't understand his thought process. Either don't date if you know you are moving away or give us a bit longer to see if it will work and then have the conversation or it will just fizzle out without the cloud of it possibly being a waste of time hanging over us.

I also agree that a month in you should be somewhat infatuated and excited about the person, not going awol because you need "alone time" during which I found out he was messaging another woman. So able to include her in his alone time but not the person he's actually seeing!

Offred Wed 20-Jan-16 12:33:27

So he was messaging someone else?

Look, not everyone wants a serious relationship. You can't just assume that people will. Telling you he is planning to move away, not being consistent and not being exclusive with you are all signs he is not looking for anything serious.

You are investing too much, just walk away.

Offred Wed 20-Jan-16 12:35:17

You are barely dating, he's not a boyfriend I just think you want different things out of dating.

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Jan-16 12:35:47

Oh fuck him off. He's been ignoring you and messaging someone else? Tell him to head north and multiply grin

hellsbellsmelons Wed 20-Jan-16 12:45:19

Oh dear lord - stop the madness.
He's already messaging other women so tell him to get to fuck and leave you alone.
Move on - seriously!

tobbay Wed 20-Jan-16 12:45:59

ImperialBlether.. I think I will!

ALaughAMinute Wed 20-Jan-16 12:48:57

The signs are not good. He ignored you last weekend and doesn't feel there is enough to make him want to stay here. What more do you need to know?

Get rid!

ALaughAMinute Wed 20-Jan-16 12:51:00

And if he's messaging other women tell him to FUCK OFF!

category12 Wed 20-Jan-16 13:48:44

I think: last weekend he was seeing someone else.

Apart from that, he's dating/looking for other people and looking to move away. I think you should date other people.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now