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At the end of my rope with DH- suggestions welcome! X(18 Posts)
I really hope someone may be able to offer me some advice but am conscious I may sound like I'm moaning . So sorry if I do- just HAVE to get this out of my system as it's driving me insane.
DH and I have been together 10 years married 3 and it's as if the more time goes on the less motivation he has. Don't get me wrong he is wonderfully kind and understanding - as an example he makes me lunch for work every day without fail and will often leave notes and sweet things around the house - it couldn't be lovelier. And that makes me feel very guilty for what I'm going to say... But here goes...
We work about 70 miles apart and live in the middle. Have decided we want to start a family this year so as we live in no man's land at the moment the decision was to move one way or the other- closer to his parents or closer to mine. And it has been especially tough because I am very family orientated and would miss my family terribly but he has 100% refused to look for another job, saying we can stay where we are (which we both hate) or go north closer to his work. So I have given in for the sake of our future children basically but despite the fact that he has won this one, his motivation is at an all time low😞.
He is extremely conscious of money and is now saying we won't sell our house for enough to even raise a deposit for another. I know he has decent savings but is unwilling to put these forward- which is fine as he has saved them but he makes me feel guilty for the fact that my salary and huge petrol bills do not really allow me to save! So everything is at a standstill. I wouldn't mind but he seems to have no fight at all or passion about anything. He has previously told me how much he wants to move to this new place and start trying for a baby but now every Answer is just 'I don't know' or I am completely ignored because he is playing on his phone.
Perhaps I'm guilty of being a dreamer so he is a good leveller but j think as we both have full time jobs and work hard, we should be allowed a holiday?! Even when I suggested one night at our favourite hotel he said he thought it was far too expensive but just 'book it of you want I don't care' hmmm!!
Sorry I know this sounds a complete whinge but it's really getting me down. Has he gone off me? I am trying desperately to build a future for us and our family but his attitude of take it as it comes is meaning we will still be sitting in the same place for years down the line. I don't want to go on at him but find myself becoming so frustrated I just want him to show some passion or excitement. Needless to say his attitude in the bedroom reflects his attitude to everything else- can't be arsed so our sex life is completely non existent and has been for longer than I can face writing on here. By the way I am pretty sure he's not depressed as I have even asked him and can just tell all seems fine in that respect.
I'm beginning to think it must be me. Would be so grateful for any advice girls.
Sorry and thanks in advance xxxxxxx
Do you want his baby, or do you want to have a baby?
He doesn't sound on board at all.
What is he planning to do with his savings if not put it towards a house? surely that's what most people are saving for? It's really odd that he's saying you can't afford to move but won't put his savings towards moving. I'd guess he's not that keen. Are you both job hunting to move north? I thought not wanting to change job was the reason given for not moving nearer your family?
It is not you.
Perhaps you should be selling up and looking for your own place nearer your family, if he doesn't give a shit about anything.
He's already mean and financially controlling. How is that going to work when you are a SAHM or working reduced hours? After 10 years together he still has 'his' money? Sex life non-existent?
Sounds to me as if you are 'trying to build a future' but he isn't.
Hint to OP:
You'd be happier elsewhere, wouldn't you?
I wouldn't be planning a family with this man. He doesn't sound as though he's committed to you.
When you're a couple money is "ours", surely.
What do you get out of this relationship now?.
Its not you, its him.
He sounds neither kind or at all understanding actually; its all about what he wants ultimately which is to stay where he is and in this job. He also sounds very penny pinching to the point of downright meanness.
What is he doing on his phone?.
I would not be bringing a child into this situation at all. I would seriously instead consider the future of this whole relationship.
Sheryl Sandberg wisely said the most important decision you will ever make is who is going to be the father of your children. This is not the man you want as father of your children, believe me, and I don't think he's that keen either.
Not good. This needs a 'come to Jesus' talk as someone put it where you spell out how important these things are. How old are you?
A child is highly unlikley to make this relationship better, so if thats the priority I would seriously consider moving on before you get stuck married to this man with children's interests to consider also.
I'm not sure if he would make a good father at the moment. You nneed to have a serious talk and find out exactly what he wants. If money is an issue now what's he going to be like when your income is reduced while on maternity leave and does he expect you to go back to work full time after?
You also need to be able to work together when you have a child and at the moment he doesn't sound like he would back you up.
I think you have three problems:
a) his lack of interest and motivation
b) his selfishness, insisting you move to where he wants (doesn't lack drive or motivation with the insisting, does he?)
c) his attitude to finances.
He does sound depressed, not admitting it or even possibly knowing it doesn't mean that's not the case, but even solving that won't solve b) and c).
You do know that as you're married, you should be sharing assets? Costs like petrol should be shared, especially if you're going to live even further from work. Your salaries should be combined, allocate what's needed for costs (petrol, mortgage, bills, groceries, savings whatever - savings that belong to both of you) and then any spare cash should be split to give you both an equal amount of spending money.
I'd start by putting that to him. If he refuses to do this, you have a BIG problem that will get worse if you have kids, because if you take mat leave your salary will probably take a further hit. If he sees what he earns as his own money, you could end up in personal penury while he saves a fat wad. It happens to a lot of women.
I'd give him one chance to switch your relationship to an equal footing - make decisions equally, share money equally, etc - and if he won't, then divorce is on. Divorce him and you'll get a much better deal - half the assets and you can live where you like.
I wouldn't be having children with this man, let alone living with him.
You can't change him, but you can change how you're being in relationship with him: ask for what you want and need, put your foot down firmly on that, stand up for yourself, stand by yourself in a way that you so desperately want from him. Behave and act with yourself the way you want a partner to be to you. It might mean walking away ultimately, or he might change. But what you're getting from him is a reflection of the little you're prepared to give yourself.
It has to start with you.
Doesn't show enthusiasm for anything, spends free time glued to his phone and although he 'won' the question of where to move, now drags his feet. He still thinks of his savings pre-you as his own, does he continue to put aside some of his income into his account?
He still does nice things and can be thoughtful so I wouldn't say all's lost. But when you say sex is a distant memory, did things slow down as soon as the subject of having a baby was raised? Were you the one prompting that discussion?
In the past maybe sex happened spontaneously without preamble but you can say "I don't feel like sex right now, but I miss you touching me" or "If you are not in the mood right now that's okay but I would love a hug" and see what happens.
Sitting tight and not investigating moving house is either being financially prudent or very plainly stating he wants things to remain the same. Except they're not, you sense him retreating.
To me, it sounds like he's trying to force you to 'make' him do the big stuff, so that when he finally checks out of the marriage he can blame it all on you. (And I expect his parents will always back him up.)
He doesn't sound lovely at all. He sounds disengaged, tightarsed and manipulative (from what you say).
He sounds 'sweet' but you know the real him.
If I was speaking to my OH and he ignored me for his phone, I'd be having a hissy fit.
If he didn't want to have sex with me at all then that would be my deal breaker.
How are you supposed to get pregnant anyway?
This 'relationship' is NOT OK.
I think you seriously need to sit down and write out all the pros and cons of this for YOU. I have no doubt you'll find that this list will show you that you are better off apart.
Agree with purple and bb. Also can't help but wonder what has suddenly caused his change of heart and reluctance to share finances over your future...and also why he is not interested in bedroom. Don't want to jump to conclusion, maybe he just has low testosterone levels. But maybe he is just as unhappy in this relationship as you are and he is thinking about other options. Or maybe he really is depressed - you can seem fine on the outside and still be depressed. No motivation, no interest in sex, no interest in fun activities like a holiday. Does not scream happy to me.
This relationship needs sorting before you even consider trying for a baby. Can not stress this enough. Would he be up for counselling? You need to know what's going on in each other's heads.
Sorry you are going through this op. 10 years is a long time. This can't be easy
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