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I've discovered exH is living with his girlfriend (he told me he is just kipping on floors)- how can I get him to have children overnight? tips please

(121 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

WavingNotDrowning Wed 20-Jan-16 06:58:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WavingNotDrowning Wed 20-Jan-16 07:00:51

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OllyBJolly Wed 20-Jan-16 07:06:45

flowers so tough being a single parent. My ex didn't have the kids overnight at all for years and he and GF lived in a 4 bedroom house.

It is unfair but you have to think first what it means for the kids. If they are not welcome they'll feel that, and I suspect that might make your life much more difficult. They'll be upset before they go, and upset when they get back. And every possibility the EOW overnights stop.

I think gentle persuasion is going to work more effectively than any kind of coercion. Can he take them on holiday during school breaks? Come to parents' nights?

(I'd have been quite happy at meals out and themes parks. My kids would greet their dad with "Not Sea World again!". (Not Orlando sea world...))

WisestIsShe Wed 20-Jan-16 07:09:51

Sadly I'm not sure you can persuade him to have his children more. If he wanted to do it surely he'd ask?

You can't make him interested in them. It's just an example of him being a selfish knob head.

kittybiscuits Wed 20-Jan-16 07:21:16

'I understand you now have a permanent home. The children are keen to have more normal and regular overnight contact. Every other weekend and a night in the week is a pretty standard arrangement. Obviously the children will need time to meet and adjust to your partner as they don't seem to know about her yet. How shall we work towards this?'

kittybiscuits Wed 20-Jan-16 07:22:57

You can't make him and I wouldn't force them - but I don't have 6 children! I would be angry about him lying in order to avoid contact with his own kids.

kittybiscuits Wed 20-Jan-16 07:30:41

Actually, as I'm quite a horrible person, I think I would say 'you can alternate - the oldest 3 one weekend and the youngest 3 the next weekend. Does your girlfriend lke kids?'.

SelfLoathing Wed 20-Jan-16 07:32:05

>>>the girlfriend is early 30s and has no children.

I'd start with this personally. If it's her property and she's not interested in having his children to stay with her, then there is going to be nothing you can do to persuade him.

I wouldn't hold out hope tbh. I'm single and don't have children. The thought of having someone else's children to stay in a two bedroom flat makes my blood run cold. That's a tiny space and 6 children!!! Even 2 children is a lot in that space. It absolutely wouldn't interest me at all. I think you need to find out what the gf's attitude is.

She may not have met his children because she doesn't care and isn't interested at all. She may think His children, His problem. On the other hand, she may long for children of her own and welcome them into her life. Until you know her position, I think you are wasting your time try to discuss or strategise with your ex.

fidel1ne Wed 20-Jan-16 07:38:04

I've found out through nefarious means.

Excellent! grin

Get a solicitor to write to him there outlining a proposed schedule of contact? You need to get this above board and out in the open. The GF might not even know about the DC (or not know how many DC there are).

Whocansay Wed 20-Jan-16 07:38:39

Chances are, if he thinks this is something you want, he will refuse just to piss you off. I seem to remember from your previous threads that this guy is a piece of work.

But are you really in that much of a hurry to introduce your children to this woman? The relationship is still early days and may not last.

WavingNotDrowning Wed 20-Jan-16 07:39:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WavingNotDrowning Wed 20-Jan-16 07:42:09

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fidel1ne Wed 20-Jan-16 07:43:17

Shame him into it a bit. Make sure that when you let him know you know, she knows too. I have a feeling he's not told her the whole truth (to preserve his 'bachelor' image).

LovelyFriend Wed 20-Jan-16 07:44:05

Isn't it astonishing that the RP must "allow access" to the NRP, and yet there seems to be no legal obligation at all for the NRP to actually parent their own children. All this talk of doing "what is best for the children" seems very one sided in cases like this.

And why aren't F4J fighting for it? grin

OP I sympathise- you must be knackered. Have no practical advice ATM but I'll give it some thought.

Have you tried simply saying "your children need regular contact with you. EOW at least."

Q

HandyWoman Wed 20-Jan-16 07:48:40

Mmm, OP. Hello <waves>

I had a sort of similar situation.

Separated getting on 3 years. Ex and new gf have just bought and moved into a 3 bed house together. Different circs to you.

He only had them the nights I was on call for work and unable to go out. 2 nights per month. Those Saturday's he would parade the dc round and play the doting dad.

I was exhausted and mightily hacked off. I engineered a face to face meeting just me and him. I sat down and compared our circumstances and stated that 'we need to make this more equal. The dc are 50/50 yours snd mine - how are we going to sort this out'. My counsellor helped me with tactics.

In my situation it worked as it appealed to his Narc tendencies. He likes to believe he is reasonable and a keen dad. So he said yes.

10 mins after the meeting by text he started trying to worm out of the agreement but I have been utterly ruthless and stuck to my mantra. It's about a fair arrangement, nothing else matters.

I now have child free time each week and my life is literally transformed. I think you need to be feeling emotionally strong to go this approach and make sure the timing is right (how long have they been living together? Is it to soon to feel confident of a result???

You are not wrong to try and sort this out.

thanks

WavingNotDrowning Wed 20-Jan-16 07:50:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fidel1ne Wed 20-Jan-16 07:50:53

And why aren't F4J fighting for it?

Mystery Lovely grin

Chippednailvarnish Wed 20-Jan-16 07:54:08

Turn up at her doorstep and drop them off at hers, saying there's an emergency.

Why you think the standard of care he is offering will improve is beyond me, but I suppose that's a different matter...

TheoriginalLEM Wed 20-Jan-16 07:55:31

well if she overlapped with you she will be as much of a cunt as your ex so she isn't going to welcome his children is she. she'll want him to herself.

petalsandstars Wed 20-Jan-16 08:01:15

If she thinks it's you being the block then a solicitor letter to her address outlining proper contact should do the trick. Assuming he doesn't hide it from her hmm

Eliza22 Wed 20-Jan-16 08:02:49

Does the girlfriend know about the kids? Might seem like a daft question but his absolute refusal for them to fraternise may be something deeper? He is a shit. He has basically abandoned his kids. What parent takes the children to airbnb? Shocking. They must feel like displaced persons. YOU are their stable parent. Yes, it's hard doing it all alone (I know, I did with my child who has autism for 4 years following divorce) and my ex now sees his teenaged son once a month.

You could go down the legal route. What are the visitation rules within the divorce settlement? Mine were the EOW staple but I won't make my ex have his son. Shame on him for thinking once a month is Ok.

HandyWoman Wed 20-Jan-16 08:12:30

Yes what arrangements are stated in the divorce settlement?

Oh and re the not brushing teeth or clean clothes. Sounds awful and probably goes against the MN grain, but if contact is going to increase (and it should) my opinion is that the hygiene and standard of care is NOT AS IMPORTANT as the kids spending time with them. Or you getting a break. Took me a Long Time to accept that, but I do believe that (again, my counsellor helped me see this). My kids teeth aren't cleaned as well but they are happier now that they see him more. Me and the kids are faring much better now, even if washing etc is sporadic.

TheNaze73 Wed 20-Jan-16 08:16:45

What's the financial maintenance situation? Can he a afford his own place? Not being pro bloke here but, some blokes lose in excess of 60% of the net salary in maintenance & pick up joint debts from a marriage, which leaves next to nothing. Is the situation like that or is he just playing up?

fidel1ne Wed 20-Jan-16 08:27:24

some blokes lose in excess of 60% of the net salary in maintenance

No they don't. Not in the UK.

expatinscotland Wed 20-Jan-16 08:53:40

I wonder if she knows about them at all because on what planet would a 30-something, childfree person go out with a person who has six kids (unless he's a multimillionaire).

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