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Lack of sex.

(41 Posts)
EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 18:59:30

I saw some good threads on this before Xmas but can't find them's that humiliating and depressing issue, my husband doesn't want to have sex with me. I always wanted it more but since our 4 year old was born he's just not interested.
I have tried talking to him about it but he can't offer an explanation. Everything works, we did it maybe three times last year and it was fine. I have previously had a long term partner who wasn't interested in sex so can only conclude I repel men somehow.
I just feel sad that I'll never be wanted, I miss sex a lot and spend a lot of time feeling frustrated!
Sometimes I worry that id be vulnerable to an affair but the chance would be a fine thing tbh, I'm so divorced from my body I can't imagine any man would show an interest. My lust objects are rock stars and actors so all safe there. My work is entirely women so no temptations.
Suppose I'd like some tips on channeling my longings!
I'm not prepared to be the woman who broke up her family cos she didn't get enough.
Sorry for incoherent post, I'm a bit confused myself, and kind of sad.

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 19:07:54

I think he does use porn sometimes but he didn't answer when I asked him. I assume he's faithful as he doesn't really have any time to stray. He's quite repressed emotionally I would say, he never compliments me or says he loves me and rarely hugs me but he can be very thoughtful with his actions and he's lovely with the children, he adores them.
He's fit and well, we get on well intellectually and still make each other laugh.
I don't fancy him any more as I feel so rejected but he's a nice looking man so I'm happy to give it a go if he ever would!

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 19:23:21

Fwiw I have no damage downstairs from childbirth or anything. I am fatter than when we met but not that much. I don't think he's gay. Neither is my ex. Both of them seemed to love having sex with me for the first few months then just not interested.
Please don't suggest 'spicing things up ' - there's nothing to spice and he wouldn't notice what I was wearing if it was on fire.

donajimena Tue 19-Jan-16 19:26:16

This is a recent thread that might help

HairySubject Tue 19-Jan-16 19:27:27

Does he use drugs at all? My ex wasn't interested in sex but it was because he was too stoned to be bothered.

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 19:27:27

Sometimes I wish he would have an affair and then I'd have a chance at finding someone who wanted me. I feel like I must be a disgusting freak tbh, men are supposed to want it all the time aren't they?
Sorry for so many posts, I haven't really admitted this before. Not the kind of thing you can tell people about.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 19:28:05

You have pretty much describes my exh.

My advice would be to leave. A relationship like this completely saps your self esteem. It's not just about the sex but the complete lack of intimacy in being with someone emotionally closed off.

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 19:30:28

No drugs, drinks in moderation. My ex was a drunk though so I could blame that!
I will read through that thread, thank you, but my H is nicer than the OP's wife - he's a twat sometimes but not bad in the grand scheme of things. Just doesn't relate to me like we are a man and a woman sad

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 19:31:12

It is not an issue with you being unattractive. It's because you are with a man who is pathologically afraid of intimacy IMO.

The fact this is your second relationship of this kind could suggest you also have some issues with commitment/intimacy/low self worth which you could do with exploring but I think a. This won't get better the more time you give it, he would need to work on his fear of intimacy and b. It's not because you are unattractive to all men or anything you have done.

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 19:33:28

Ugh Offred is that why you left? Did you have children with him? I just imagine the looks on people's faces when they hear I broke up my family over shagging. You're right about self esteem, I can't imagine ever having a relationship again as I feel so unlovable.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 19:34:07

I left my exh because he was unwilling to do anything about his fear of intimacy/women/communication and was happy with how things were even though I was utterly miserable.

I gave it a year from the final time I raised it and asked him to do something about it/have counselling to address why he was afraid of relating to me. He did nothing. I finally gave up and didn't want to try anymore. Then he offered to do counselling but it was too late and wouldn't have worked because he was only suggesting it to stop me leaving:

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 19:35:04

I do have issues round intimacy but I really like sex! They both seemed normal to start with...

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 19:37:01

Mine hasn't done anything. I have mentioned divorce. I think he knows I won't go anywhere while the kids are small but if we had more money I think he'd be happy to see me go. I don't think he'd have another relationship, though he did pursue me initially.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 19:37:02

Yes, but the sex stuff was just one symptom of a larger problem.

He has played the victim with everyone since (nearly 3 years). I didn't leave because he wasn't interested in sex. I left because he treated me as a threat to him, kept me at arms length etc and we didn't actually have a mutual relationship.

The sex thing was one symptom.

Yes we have kids. I have two with him and two that he has been the primary father figure to.

We share parenting now we have split.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 19:38:44

I had issues with intimacy after a series of abusive relationships which is why I ended up with him tbh. As I recovered his inability to be intimate or communicate became more of a problem I think.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 19:59:04

Just want to add you don't owe other people an in depth explanation of your break up.

'It wasn't working and I was deeply unhappy' is sufficient!

donajimena Tue 19-Jan-16 19:59:27

But if you did leave you could say 'we were more like flatmates' you don't owe anyone an in depth explanation.
I know the thread I linked too is different in its OP but I thought some of the responses might be helpful.
it is a big deal. Nothing wrong with no physical relationship if you are BOTH on the same page.
No way would I 'settle' for a sexless relationship (unless it was a health issue that caused it)

ordinaryman Tue 19-Jan-16 19:59:52

My wife doesn't want intimacy or sex with me either. It is a lonely place and quickly leads to resentment and feelings of low self worth, but you have to remind yourself that you are not the problem re. that last point, especially if you've given your partner time and opportunity to have their say.

I am also in the same position re. kids and agree that it does seem so petty when you rehearse the argument outloud, but the feelings of lack of love are painful.

I too have been advised to leave, but the decision has always got to be one's own.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 20:04:12

I did leave. Life is much better.

It was much harder for him because he was happy with how things were but I have limited sympathy given I think it's quite wrong to be perfectly happy when you know your wife is dying a slow death emotionally.

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 20:06:31

I don't think mine is as bad as that, the victim/threat stuff doesn't sound like my H. Glad you are able to share parenting, I work with children and see every day the stress parents cause kids when they let their own issues get in the way of the children's welfare.
it's almost like my H doesn't have any feelings, but then he loves the children and he cares about things in the world. When I talked about divorce he wouldn't even express a preference for divorce or staying married.
Guess we should have counselling but it's a lot of money and we have nobody to watch the children. I know people will say find the money etc but easier said than done.
I don't know what I want. I worry my kids will end up in the same boat. My parents were barely civil during my childhood, certainly weren't affectionate to each other, and oh, look at me.
I just feel like I'm selfish for even considering leaving over this. (I wouldn't want to leave the children btw, and I would always stay near H as he's a brilliant dad. If he wasn't it'd be easy I think).

nearlyhadenough Tue 19-Jan-16 20:10:56

I have spent most of my 23 year marriage feeling the same way. I have no self-esteem or confidence left and I believe that I must be the most repulsive and unlovable female around. All because my DH has decided he doesn't want an intimate relationship with me.

I am just about to take the leap and start divorce proceedings. Not just for lack of sex/intimacy but that is by far the biggest reason. I will be saying to anyone who asks that we just grew apart - it is not their place to need to know.

PLEASE think about how the rest of your life will be. I was not strong enough to leave before (barely strong enough now!), but I wish I had left many years ago.

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 20:14:18

Thanks for replies everyone, it's helping.
I feel so lonely sometimes. And we are like flat mates. I often wish I had my own room.
ordinaryman it's shit isn't it?
I know people aren't owed an explanation but I don't feel I could, in good conscience, justify to my kids why they couldn't live with both parents and the financial hardship it'd bring.
Especially when I'd probably stay single forever anyway.

I try to squash this down for weeks at a time but I feel really sad today.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 20:16:37

I wouldn't have analysed things in that way for most of the time I was with him TBH.

When I was still with him I was glad he seemed able to share feelings with the DC even if he didn't with me. I thought I was the one with issues related to my past relationships and that I deserved the coldness etc.

By treating me as a threat I mean he did not share any of himself with me. He did not want me to share myself with him. I came off Facebook because it was clear he shared more of himself in Facebook than he did with me, I was discovering all these interests that he had (innocuous things like trading Bitcoin, blogging, having a Twitter account etc) that he kept from me and initially I thought he did that because I was overbearing and he felt I wasn't trustworthy etc.

It's just him. Being emotionally close to someone feels threatening to him. He saw me as a threat to his self containment. Was only content to have a relationship on a superficial level. Desperately wanted to have a wife and kids but did not want the relationship that goes with it.

EuropeanSpoon Tue 19-Jan-16 20:19:14

nearlyhadenough I hope you'll be really happy in your new life. I guess I'm thinking I'll go later when the kids are older. Who knows. Money is an issue, I can't deny it. Two households would be a real struggle, I know the only kind of accommodation we could afford and it's not what I want for the children. I earn too much to get benefits I think, £23k ish.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 20:20:52

My kids are angry with me. Him playing the victim doesn't help them, he wants to co-opt them into his victim narrative which is not helpful.

When I left I was sure it was the right thing. I am confident that in time his act will wear thin and I understand the children's feelings but they have no right to dictate to me who they would prefer me to be in a relationship with.

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