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Can anyone analyse my breakup and tell me what I should think?

(78 Posts)
NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 18:35:41

This might sound a strange question, but I think the biggest breakup of my life from the most serious relationship of my life has left me very deeply affected and I have not fully acklowleged how bad it was that he behaved.

I have turned it on myself, and been left feeling fundamentally unlovable and unworthy in ways that have meant I have issues being close with anyone and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am now drawn to men who don't love me.

Can I ask, presuming that you were with a man that you had a loving, supportive, close and happy relationship that was filled with mutual kindness and no arguing or affairs or difficulties and you shared a home with that person, over years, and were due to marry them - and they decided they did not want to be with you anymore...what would you expect that to look like?

How it looked for me was him disappearing without ever telling me there was a problem.

Being cut off without a penny, although he was the wage earner in our home and he had told me to quit my job to move city to be with him.

Being left without a home very suddenly and him not caring he had put me in that situation.

Losing all my possessions because I was too blindsided / had no money to move them.

Refusing to talk to me at all until about three months after he had left, only sending me cruel messages or very cold phonecalls to tell me how awful I was and he could not live another day with me because I was so awful.

Never letting me ever see or say goodbye to my stepkids, that I'd been raising for years and telling me by text it was better if they just forgot me.

Telling everyone else it was over before he ever spoke to me to know we had a problem - creating (lies) a story of us having problems that made me look bad and like I was lying and turning many people against me.

Him making up things that made me feel like I'd gone absolutely mad.

Him going from my best friend and most trusted person overnight to basically hating me and doing everything he could to destroy my mental wellbeing.

Him going from saying every day that I was the best partner in the world to flipping overnight to saying very cruel things to me, like "no one could live with you" and things like that which made me believe he was the victim.

Him just honestly showing no care or feeling for me ever again from the day he disappeared and never being sorry or caring about me ever again - after years of the opposite.

I feel this has left me completely unable to get close to anyone. I don't understand at all what it was about me that caused any of it because he only ever spoke in generalisations and told me it was all my fault and I had forced him to do it. I never had any idea what he was talking about because all he'd ever done was to tell me I was incredible and perfect so it's left me terrified of intimacy just in case the next person sees whatever he saw.

Threefishys Tue 19-Jan-16 18:38:17

How long were you together? Regardless of that what can be said other than break ups are messy horrible and painful whether you're the one left or the one leaving. Analysing it is the road to madness.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 18:42:45

I'd think I had been involved with an abuser and I'd have therapy to work through the issues it would have inevitably left me with, learn about spotting red flags etc and rebuild my self esteem.

Veterinari Tue 19-Jan-16 18:43:51

Hi Ninja

That's pretty much my story too. It happened last autumn and I'm still coming through it. It's like a bereavement and I'm considering counselling. It's completely destroyed my faith in my ability to trust others. It's even affected friends of mine because everyone had such faith in our relationship.

It's 3 months in and he's completely blocked me from his life. I've heard nothing from him.

It's apparently quite common behaviour sadly. Often there's another woman (I don't think so in my case but who knows?!?)

Google 'wife abandonment syndrome' there's a useful website and book all about coping when the person you love and trust the most turns into a cruel stranger flowers

category12 Tue 19-Jan-16 18:44:51

That he behaved monstrously.

And that it's not about you, but something wrong about him.

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 18:45:23

5 years together. Lived together for 3.5

ALaughAMinute Tue 19-Jan-16 18:46:22

Do you think he had some kind of breakdown or was mentally ill?

Did he have problems at work or come from an unstable background?

His behaviour does sound very strange, I must say.

frigginell Tue 19-Jan-16 18:52:13

It sounds like he's got an avoidant attachment style. That isn't your fault, or anything to do with you. You might find helpful "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" by Rachel Heller.

Catpants123 Tue 19-Jan-16 18:53:06

There have been a few threads over the years about very similar relationships ending suddenly.

The common feature seems to be that the relationship appears pretty much perfect with no arguments and the partner is besotted until they leave out of the blue. I can't help wondering if it was a normal relationship if it was so 'perfect.' Is it normal for a couple not to argue or have disagreements?

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 18:56:20

No, he didn't have an avoidant attachment style. I was with him for years and also knew him long before that and he was very secure in his attachment - open, loving, god communicator. No problems!

As a result of it all I now have a fearful / avoidant atachment style that I am trying to work through and I feel like this incident precipitated a chain reaction that created that in me- so I want to move through it.

I feel like if I can say he treated me like shit and had something wrong wth him and feel angry about it then I can stop hating myself for it.

I never got angry with him, just carried on taking his shit, because honestly I couldn't understand how my lovely guy was acting like that and I just wanted to fix it.

Yes, he did have depression, he got it a couple of months before all this begun. He'd never had it before.

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 19:00:06

Catpants123

That's the other problem,

If I thought I had a great relationship with someone, and didn't see this coming even slightly...what does that say about me?

Another reason i am absolutely terrified of relationships.

Twinklestein Tue 19-Jan-16 19:00:35

I'd think that I'd had a lucky escape. That someone I trusted was actually an arsehole. I'd assume he'd met someone else. And I wouldn't take it as a reflection on myself.

I'd look through the whole relationship looking for red flags as to his real nature, so that I'd recognise them next time.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Tue 19-Jan-16 19:03:37

CatPants - I don't think it's that these relationships are " perfect" - I think the posters just haven't got to the point in the grieving process that they can acknowledge the flaws in the relationship.

OP I've been where you've been, wondering where I went wrong. You will drive yourself crazy trying to work it out.

Also I think if you let yourself you will be able to see all was not as rosy as you have said. There are always signs. You just need to be able to see them.

At the moment your brain is still catching up with your reality.

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 19:04:51

Would you really though?

I mean, I would have said that 10 years ago but then I would have looked at DP and thought "but I never have to worry about that because he's amazing".

It's just that when it happens to you...your Dad, your Mum, your DP or someone you honestly know inside and out it's very difficult to say "he was an arsehole" because that's a contradiction to every bit of evidence you have in your mind.

It would be easy if I did or could believe that.

Morasssassafras Tue 19-Jan-16 19:04:55

Hi ninja, it would say to me that you've been involved with a narcissist as this seems to be common behaviour for them. Do some reading about the discard and devalue stages. I hope that will reassure you that it isn't you at fault here at all.

Catpants123 Tue 19-Jan-16 19:07:07

I was also going to say depression. Exh couldn't remember any of the good times or see any positives in the relationship. It colours how they see the whole world.

Catpants123 Tue 19-Jan-16 19:09:36

No the relationship could not have been perfect. Maybe it was very superficial or a horrible act.

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 19:09:50

No this happenned years ago. I have had a long time to analyse and look for the signs. There weren't any. Not a single hint anything at all was up. He was completely normal with me and was keen to plan the wedding. More excited than I was if anything and we were just like any two normal people in love.

I wish that was the case, but it was genuinely out of the blue and everyone we knew was as shocked as I was and they still shake their head over it and wonder how or why.

I understand how strange things happen and people can just snap or whatever and that I will never get the answers - but what grates me is that he told me no one could live with me, that it was my fault he was doing it - but never explained what he meant or what it was.

I have that hanging feeling all the time that I am awful

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 19:11:50

Exh couldn't remember any of the good times or see any positives in the relationship

that was exactly what it was like. Like he forgot everything good completely and didn't have any feeling at all to me except anger and annoyance. He didn't even have basic sympathy for me - which not only was abnormal for anyone but was odd for him - he was the most sympathetic person in the world

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Tue 19-Jan-16 19:15:24

See, with me, I got to the point where I could see his flaws and that in a lot of ways he wasn't fulfilling my needs. Even though I wasn't aware of that at the time. Even though he totally blindsighted me at the time.

I mean really he was Mr Perfect? That seems odd to me because no one is perfect.

Also you need to accept that people say all sorts of shit to justify to themselves why they are doing something rotten. They re-write history a bit because they don't want to think of themselves as the bad guy. That said in a lot of cases it is needlessly cruel.

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 19:26:18

Yes, no, I did too FedUp

I got there.

Just that feeling like if I get close to someone they could just fuck off out of nowhere is what I can't shift in my mind.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Tue 19-Jan-16 19:32:46

Hmm yeah - I get that a bit still (4 years on).

But I can either take a leap of faith or stay stuck.

I know I can go it alone if need be, and that I'm resilient, which is a comfort, but I'm very cautious with men. And find myself getting anxious about random stuff as I am always looking for red flags.

I went through a long period of time of being attracted to utter dickheads. It almost felt safe as I knew what I would get from them. Low expectations meant not getting hurt.

Eventually I got fed up of dickheads tho!

NinjaHearts Tue 19-Jan-16 19:45:30

sounds a lot like me

Cabrinha Tue 19-Jan-16 19:48:13

I think some people are more willing to look for what they did wrong themselves, than other. I don't mean behaving wrong - I mean being wrong in missing the signs, or being wrong picking a bad 'un at all.

I am much more able to accept that shit happens and it is shit - but it isn't my fault. I don't know why - but maybe that perspective is something you can work towards with a counsellor maybe?

Different story for me, but it turned out my husband was using prostitutes the whole time we were together. And I thought he was a good man, a decent man... hmm I also thought he had a low sex drive 😂

I could wonder how I got him so wrong, and how do I trust my judgement on my current boyfriend? Or I can just accept that he was a dick, and shit happens.

I don't mean to be flippant - just want to show that there are other ways to think, and maybe you can move towards that.

Good luck, it sounds an awful thing to go through flowers

Purplehonesty Tue 19-Jan-16 19:52:53

This happened to a relative of mine - almost as you described.
One day they were happily going along, the next day she discovered a text message sent to her in error, confronted him and he walked out.
Never went back, never spoke to her nicely again, it was like he had a personality transplant/breakdown.
Told lies about her to everyone, made out it was all her fault.
Even now 7 years on he is still being a dick; she has to see him twice a week for contact with their son.
I think there was another woman involved is my guess

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