Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I havent posted in quite some time(10 Posts)
Hi everyone. I haven't been online too much lately, but I did post quite a lot last year, I have linked one of my posts which explains my situation
So as of last week I am now a single mother. Not divorced but separated, and I am just in a minefield of emotions. Telling the dc that we were separating was just awful, although they are older (13 and 16), in one way it made things more difficult as they asked more adult questions than a younger child would. We couldn't tell them immediately due to exams, so we waited until they had both finished, which was terrible as I had to act normally although instead I was tearing apart. For weeks I didn't sleep, thinking of what to say and how to say it.... then surprisingly on the day stbx just took over the conversation and said it. This was before Christmas and due to going away and other complications he didn't move out until last week.
So here I am one and a half weeks in, and up to now I think I have been ok. But today has been a bad day. The dc are going to him for the whole weekend. They are super excited to see his new flat and do this that and all the rest, so I have to act like I am happy, but its killing me. It sounds daft I know, but they will be away the whole weekend... For those of you who think, what its just a weekend, my whole life revolves around them. In fact it revolved around dh too, until now.... and for me a weekend is a long time.
There has been some added drama as per usual, there is always some sort of drama going on with school, dc friends, the usual teenager stuff. But it just seems so overwhelming to me now. Something that usually I could just brush off, just feels too much. Is this normal? I just feel that I am not coping, and I am Mrs Copeswithanything usually....
Anyhow, I thought it a good idea to get this off my chest here, although I have friends around me, they all have their own problems and I feel like I am a burden to them now, I always seem to be moaning, me, the person who was always the life and soul of the party. So I don't even feel like socializing anyway, just want to close myself away and not talk to anyone. If I do I cry, so its just best to be on my own I think right now.
I just wanted to say that I totally understand.
I am going to be in the same situation soon, I fear, and it's the thought of weekends and holidays without my children that's really killing me.
I feel very bitter that I am to be parted from them, through no fault of my own, after devoting a large part of my life to looking after them, and H.
The advice I've been given is to look positively on it as a time for fun, dirty weekends and outings for me, so I am trying. But to be honest at the moment am putting up with stuff so that it doesn't happen.
Good luck with the weekend: maybe plan something nice to do?
Op, just wanted to say how well you're doing and how completely understandable it is that you're feeling like this.
Don't put any pressure on yourself this weekend. Just take each hour and each day as it comes. If you want to sit by yourself in your home and take some time to reflect on what has happened in the last few weeks then I think that's fine.
If you want to sit in your PJs watching films you're not usually allowed to watch, with no one making demands on you and just absorb how that feels then go ahead. You have all the weekends in the world to think about moving on and moving ahead etc. Your whole world has changed in the last few weeks and it's OK to take some time to absorb this.
When the DC come back after the weekend, and you're feeling rubbish because they've had a great time, no usually discipline or chores, everything is new and there are treats galore, try not to feel bad. It's normal. You will have brought up your children to value the things you do and they will realise in no time, if not straight away, which parent is doing the hard parenting and which parent gets to be cool all the time. And whenever your DC need anything, I guarantee they will go to the parent who did the parenting and the real caring, not the super cool parent. So many of my friends worry about this, it really hurts and yet I can tell them from experience as the child (I'm in my thirties now) that kids see right through that from a much earlier age than your DCs are now.
Post again if you need support over the weekend. And like AF said on the other thread, you have already been operating alone for such a long time and managing great. It's just the label of your situation has changed, not the reality.
Also your DC are of the age where what they want from you at weekends will change dramatically over the next few years, and you would have found yourself with more weekend time on your hands anyway. Try to think of one thing you can do this weekend that you would otherwise not be able to do. Mine would be to eat cereal out of the box and cheese and crackers and not have to think about what anyone else was going to eat!
Not sure if any if that helps but didn't want to read and run.
Thank you Oldest and Prof.
Sorry to read Oldest, but if there is one thing that I have come to realize now (its always something that people say, but until you are there it doesn't really sink in) is why live unhappy...? I see now I have been for a very long time, so from that perspective I do know this was the right thing to do, its just getting through all the changes, separation from the dc looming and of course the heartache of knowing that I have failed in my marriage that I just need to deal with now. But that goes with the territory I expect, my whole life has changed now and I have to deal with it.
Prof, thank you. If you want to sit in your PJs watching films you're not usually allowed to watch, with no one making demands on you and just absorb how that feels then go ahead. You have all the weekends in the world to think about moving on and moving ahead etc. Your whole world has changed in the last few weeks and it's OK to take some time to absorb this.
Only after I read this paragraph did I realize that I really do like being in my home, and rarely do I get to just sit and do nothing, and like you say get a load of movies lined up and order a take-away. I was going to invite a friend out and we go to dinner or something like that, but now I think about it, I don't know if I really even want to do that. I will just have to talk about the past few weeks again, and actually, I don't want to. Its consumed my mind constantly recently and I don't want to talk or even think about it constantly any more.
Just as an aside...... if you have read my previous post which I linked... I have a male friend with whom I have been friends with for over 20 years. We are purely friends. There is nothing more to it, I would put him up there as one of my best friends. He told me he ordered me a present. He sent me a picture of the tracking number just in case it doesn't arrive when it should. Its from an adult website. I think he has bought me a vibrator . Although he has no clue about the history there as I mentioned before in other post, that is his his sense of humour.... So at least I did have a giggle yesterday...
I'm in this situation too op but I have a totally different viewpoint & struggle to see where you're coming from. I'm newly divorced from an abusive ex with dc in their teens. But I don't feel bad whatsoever when they spend time at their dads. It doesn't hurt because they're still my kids, they'll still be coming back to me in a couple of days. They won't stop being my kids just because they're not around. My ex told them he wanted me to 'feel the pain he felt' by being left on my own on Christmas day when he told them he wanted them to stay with him. But it didn't hurt at all. They are both our kids & I just want everyone to be happy. There are so many things to do to keep yourself busy, things you perhaps couldn't do with dc around. For me, it's an exciting time to do other things & share the joy of what we've all got up to next time we're together again. Try to not feel resentful but see it as an opportunity.
Bollox, sorry to hear. I think that each person just deals with things in a different way. Up until now, I have been the primary care giver to the dc 24/7. As I mentioned before (previous post), stbxh was rarely here for a full weekend, always choosing to leave during the weekend for the next weeks trip for work. (I failed to mention that he was here all last weekend and all will be this weekend since moving....hmmmm) So, I suppose its what has always happened. My dd has some separation issues, so she doesn't stay out at friends over night very often, they usually would come here. So, I am just not used to them not being here. But, I will get used to it, but this weekend will be the first weekend they wont be here, and although I have dreaded this, it is here now. I haven't done anything for me for a long time. Weekends are running around, to matches, sports etc.. So its all part of the changes happening and yes I must deal with it.
Try to not feel resentful but see it as an opportunity. I agree with this, I will but I just need to get to that point.
I remember the pain of the first few weekends my kids went to their dads. Every hour seemed like 24.
It was strange because in many ways I looked forward to the break. My kids were younger and I was exhausted working full time, childcare, kids clubs etc etc. I would think - yay, time off on Saturday, then as soon as they drove off I'd be bawling my eyes out because I missed them so much!
As they got older there were different pressures. Their dad and his new wife (OW) had great jobs, a beautiful house, and almost rock star lifestyle. I felt I was constantly being compared and falling short - but that was in my head.
I coped by planning my "free" time with things to look forward to. I'd book a facial, meet a friend for coffee, go into town. Crazy, sometimes I'd offer to babysit for friends because I'd rather sit in someone else's house than sit alone in mine.
It's tough, but gets easier. It is great that they are going to stay with their dad and are excited about it. It's hard that they will have a separate life with different experiences that you are not part of. This is your time - make it about you. XX
Just updating after the weekend. It was very long, although the dc seemed to have a great time. They did all nice things, went to movies, ate out at restaurants etc. My heart did skip a beat when my eldest got back into stbxh car as he was trying to leave after dropping them off....
I planned to go out, the plans fell through as friends child was ill. So I stayed home, good job as I had a bit of a disaster that my sitting room flooded.... if I hadn't of been here it would have been a lot worse that it was.
So I was just meant to stay home it seems, and catch up on all my recorded episodes that I haven't had time to watch until now. Oh, and I slept. A lot.
Dd was not really herself when she came home. She is in that place where she doesn't really want to tell me she had a nice time, but I know she did. At 13 it is difficult for her, just being 13 is hard enough these days, without this added to her life. I am sure it will get a bit easier for everyone as time goes on.
You sound amazingly sensitive and tuned into your dds. They are lucky to have you. You're right to make it easier for them to be happy about being with dad as well as mum.
It's your time now after your every weekend being full of family stuff. Your turn to pursue some interests, have some fun and learn to chill in peace at home.
You will adapt, I'm sure.
I remember your previous posts and I just wanted to tell you it does get better. You are amazing, are doing a terrific job
I hope your mystery parcel 'arrives' soon and I wish you all the best in your new life!
You deserve to be happy, loved and fulfilled, your stbx deserves all he gets too. Your DC will be fine with it all and they'll soon adapt to this new 'normal'. I thought my DC would never get over the loss of their dad - he'd convinced me their world would fall apart if he left - now they can't even remember what he looks like. He 'moved on' in so many ways I can't understand. The DC are all adults with their own DC now, it just makes their fathers actions even more selfish.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.