Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've been stupid and then I completely lost it

(38 Posts)
BoringlyRestrictive Tue 19-Jan-16 16:52:10

So if anyone remembers my previous threads you will know my husband is quite controlling and emotionally vacant. He is emotionally and mentally abusive. He plays games with my mind.
And I had had enough and sought out a lawyer and enquirer about divorce. I was feeling positive.

Husband found out and he basically begged for another chance. Said he would finally go and get help.
I would prefer to keep my family together then destroy it for my kids sake so like a fucking stupid idiot I agreed.

Well that was a week ago and today we were talking. About our relationship and he said something and I reacted in a way he didn't like. I reacted negatively.

He then got angry and started having a go saying 'what have I said to you today that was negative?'
I said something like 'so I can only say something negative if you have then?'
And then it's all a blur.
We were yelling over each other (kids weren't here) and he was saying how unreasonable it was for me to say what I said, and I was saying that I have to be able to say how I feel even if it's not good and then I just lost it.

I punched myself in the head, and on my body and just screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed. I tried to leave the room and went to he kitchen but I was still screaming. It was like an out of body experience. I couldn't stop myself.

When I did and I calmed down I just got on with getting ready to go get dd from nursery. He then said 'do you see that your crazy and hysterical? Do you see that it's obscene to say I need help when that is how you behave?'

I told him to move out. I told him that I have nothing left for him to take. I left to get dd.

He is still here and he is just sat watching a film.

I don't know what I expect. I've been such an idiot. For fucks sake

AnotherEmma Tue 19-Jan-16 16:55:20

Well, you're not an idiot. I think your response was pretty understandable in the circumstances. You've had enough, haven't you?

What do you want to happen next?

It sounds to me like you REALLY need some space from him, but he is very unlikely to respect your request for him to move out. Do you own or rent? Is it in joint names or one name?

OhShutUpThomas Tue 19-Jan-16 17:00:34

You're not an idiot. You've just had enough.


You need to LTB and get some perspective. I'm guessing you wouldn't have so much built up emotion like this if you weren't with him.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 19-Jan-16 17:03:18

You can easily stop being 'such an idiot'. Get back to your lawyer and instruct him/her to file a petition to divorce on the grounds of your h's unreasonable behaviour, otherwise he's going to drive you out of your mind and what use will you be to your dc then?

It is NEVER worth staying in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children as they will inevitably be adversely affected by the toxic atmosphere in their home environment and may go on to form similarly dysfunctional relationships in their adult lives.

OurBlanche Tue 19-Jan-16 17:07:02

No, as ^ said. You have just reached the very end of your tether and have had absolutely enough. You said so yourself ^I told him that I have nothing left for him to take.

Go back to your solicitor, tell them that the situation has now escalated and you want to get on with the divorce.

Remember this though. He closes you down so effectively that you have nowhere and no way of vocalising what you need or mean. That is not good and you will feel so very much lighter once his control of your life is finished.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 19-Jan-16 17:08:14

What you are doing is going round in circles and I'm afraid you will continue to do so until you step outside of the circle!

He won't change! But you are learning that lesson the hard way

mum2mum99 Tue 19-Jan-16 17:14:39

You poor love.
You need him out or you need to live.
You are at the end of it.
What will you do next if this relationship carries on?

BoringlyRestrictive Tue 19-Jan-16 17:22:49

I feel as if he has already undermined me with the DC.

Dd is 3.6 and every morning (despite him never being here in the morning) she calls for him when she wakes up. When I enter she says 'I wanted daddy. Daddy gives me nice breakfast' you see he will them cake/biscuits/pastries for breakfast on a Sunday (only morning he is home) where as the rest of the week I give them actual breakfast foods. I try to jazz it up with chocolate spread or whatever but I can't compete with actual cake!

Daddy doesn't make her go to bed on time. Daddy always extends the play. Daddy takes her out to do fun stuff, cos daddy can afford to while mummy worries about the food bill and the 'budget' and clothes and stuff.

I'm actually quite terrified that she will ask to live with him and not me. sad

I do have to do this though. I was resolute before and now I see that there really is nothing left at all.

I feel a fool. I feel like I just offered up my last shred of self worth on a silver plater and the fucker just tossed it aside like it meant nothing.

pocketsaviour Tue 19-Jan-16 17:26:21

At the age of 3.5 her wishes will not be taken into account, and realistically, how likely do you think it is that he would want 100% residency of a toddler?

I feel like I just offered up my last shred of self worth on a silver plater and the fucker just tossed it aside like it meant nothing.

That wasn't your last shred of self worth. It was just the last one you'll ever be giving him. Now you can start rebuilding that self-worth, along with the rest of your life. Take back that control. Speak to your solicitor. You are worth so much more than this miserable, shrunken-souled man.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Jan-16 17:37:08

A 3 yocannot choose who they live with, you are catastrophising. There will be access arrangements of course, but no way will she be living with either parent full time.

If you continue down this route, you are going to give him further ammunition to discredit you. Stop handing it to him on a plate...although I can understand your frustration screaming uncontrollably and hitting yourself is not normal behaviour

(Meant kindly) Now pull yourself together and get back on track to getting this dickhead out of your life

BoringlyRestrictive Tue 19-Jan-16 19:41:06

It's not about whether or not they would take her choice into consideration. I would be devastated if she choose him. And no, he wouldn't want sole residency and he wouldn't win it if he tried. I just feel terrified at the idea that she might want to.

He is refusing to leave unless I sell our car and give him half. The lawyer advised me not to do that.
H says he can't afford to move out without that money. I don't know if that is true or not

WitchWay Tue 19-Jan-16 19:48:20

Croissants are an actual breakfast food. In France. With hot chocolate.

Just saying.

Keep your chin up.

ThisHorseCalledDonny Tue 19-Jan-16 19:50:02

Yeah, but she's 3. My dd repeatedly told me she wished the dog was her mummy.

It means nothing. Don't use your fear of a 3 year old wanting cake for breakfast as an excuse for inaction. you know what you need to are not stupid or mad, jus in an impossible situation.


Throwingshade Tue 19-Jan-16 19:51:59

Let your lawyer guide you through all of this. Stop listening to your h, listen to your lawyer. Forget the screaming episode, you were stressed out of your mind, you reacted badly but that doesn't matter now. It's of no consequence in the scheme of things. Just keep your eyes on the prize, and take steps forward.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Jan-16 20:00:56

She is 3yo

She would "choose" to live with Peppa Pig if she could, love

BoringlyRestrictive Tue 19-Jan-16 20:16:59

Thing is, I'm not sure I can actually afford a lawyer. I've got some nominal savings.
But £1500 (which I know isn't much really) would pretty much wipe me out.

How hard is it to get a divorce?

We have no property. It's a council flat in my name only.
We have 2 cars, both in my name.
We have 2 children. Which I have no intention of withholding contact to. That isn't to their benefit so I'm happy for them to see him.
We have nominal savings.

Lawyer advised that I would pretty much get to keep everything.
Said the court would assign me the better car (the one h wants me to sell)
And allow me to keep 'my' savings and him to keep his.
Said if he causes any complication with the proceedings then he will have to pay costs but I don't think he will. I think he will sign the papers just like that. So if I get lumped with costs of a lawyer then it would more or less bankrupt me

LordOfMisrule Tue 19-Jan-16 20:19:25

Youre not an idiot. You're a wise, wise lady.

BoringlyRestrictive Tue 19-Jan-16 20:27:31

AnyFucker your post saying that she won't be living with either parent full time is a big part of why I have tried so hard.
I am distraught at the thought of these kids being shuttled back and forth between homes.

It is so unfair on them that we as adults can't grow the fuck up and just be good to each other

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 19-Jan-16 20:27:50

Surely because it is a council flat in your name only you can make him leave whenever you want? Why not ask the council or Shelter how to force him out? Are you too scared to do that?

Once he is out of your day to day life you can build the strength to get on with deciding how to divorce him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 19-Jan-16 20:29:36

It's more unfair to make them live in an unhappy household watching their dad abuse their mum and watching her start to lose her mind.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Jan-16 21:26:22

The fact is, that you might be able to but he cannot

Accept it, love. Trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear is not possible.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 21:53:40

She is 3 she wants cake for breakfast every day, she is not capable of choosing one parent over the other.

Where he goes is his problem. He doesn't get to stay in your house. Give him a set period to get out.

Joysmum Tue 19-Jan-16 22:45:47

Surely because it is a council flat in your name only you can make him leave whenever you want?

They are married so that's not true as its the matrimonial home.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 20-Jan-16 08:32:41

If there are no assets apart from a car I don't see the need for heavy lawyer involvement.

Contact your Housing Officer today and explain the situation. He is not in the tenancy and therefore you can ask him to leave. When he is out, you then do not open the door when he returns. If he makes a fuss you call the police who will advise him to go away.

Make sure you have his bags packed.

This way is unpleasant I know but you are not dealing with a reasonable person here.

Your daughter, who you are trying to protect is being damaged every single day you stay with this emotional abuser. She is witnessing it. Absorbing it. That will affect her. And your other child who you haven't mentioned much.

BoringlyRestrictive Wed 20-Jan-16 09:27:22

DS is barely 16 months old and extremely attached to me. I'm fairly certain he thinks he is a monkey and can cling onto me and be carried around all the time!!

I have just spoken to my solicitor, he seems like a nice chap. Guess it's his job to seem that way! Seems concerned.
His advice is to just crack on, let him file the papers.
I haven't 100% instructed him yet as I'm just terrified of the costs.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: