Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What would make you Stay ?

(11 Posts)
dadneedshelp72 Tue 19-Jan-16 11:28:33

There are a LOT of threads on here about why people would leave

loss of spark
lack of trust


what would make you realize that you made a mistake in splitting from your partner ?

definitelybutter1 Tue 19-Jan-16 11:46:00

What would make you stay?

I think it is more useful to say, what would make you leave because on the whole people don't leave on a whim. It is always easier to stay. If you read these boards you see lots of women staying through a lot of abuse.

So I suppose what would make me stay would be avoiding a trigger to make me leave.

dadneedshelp72 Tue 19-Jan-16 11:48:07

ty - butter

I guess what I was aiming at was if you left what would make you realise you wish you had stayed ?

definitelybutter1 Tue 19-Jan-16 11:50:27

It is really, really, really hard to leave someone. I don't think I would ever go back.

I suppose it depends why they left.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Tue 19-Jan-16 12:08:13

There's no definitive answer, because there's no definitive one reason for leaving.

Whatever the issue, even if the person you left goes on to lead their whole life without doing it again, that's no guarantee that had you gone back, they wouldn't have done it again with you.

Once trust is broken, you can go on to have a good relationship, it's possible, but it won't ever be the same relationship as you had before.

I agree that the default with any issue is to stay, be it abuse, cheating, arguing, whatever. Most people will stay until they cannot bear not to. Society tells you to stay. Friends and family prefer the status quo.

No one leaves because it's easy.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 19-Jan-16 13:50:21

Where real wrong has been done, I'd say that as an absolute minimum you'd need genuine remorse, with full acceptance of responsibility. Also essential would be a real commitment to telling the whole truth and putting in possibly years of hard work to move forward

Even then there's no guarantee of a good outcome, since you can never truly forget and once the trust has gone that's often more or less it. Sadly, in your own case - and from what you've said on other threads - there doesn't seem to be even a basic willingness on her part, does there? sad

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 16:08:48

I have never and believe I would never go back to a relationship that I had left.

Once it's done it's done.

I'm with offred, always move forwards, never back.

Sorrel78 Tue 19-Jan-16 23:21:30

I agree it's harder to leave than to stay. Staying is like the non choice, you just keep waiting and seeing if another day things will be better, if it will sort itself out. Leaving is like decisive, definitive action and as the person doing the leaving there is the guilt of that too.

We are supposed to "forgive and forget" aren't we? But from my point of view I can't do this until there is no possibility of further hurt occurring. I know I should but I can't.

So basically if you think further hurt could occur, and that hurt is too bad to bear, then you can't stay. I think you're heart will tell you whether you could go through more or not, and if it says not then you have your answer.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 23:28:23

Staying is not always a non-choice. Staying in an unsatisfactory relationship and avoiding doing anything to make it better or ignoring your feelings that there is no going back is the non-choice.

Going back after you have left can work out but I wouldn't bother because I think it's harder to attempt a new relationship with an old partner than just move on. It seems like unnecessary difficulty for an uncertain reward in that all the baggage from the past will likely ruin an attempt to try again.

Not breaking up and trying to fix problems together is a different prospect. It depends on the problems and how you feel about each other as well as how you are working together to fix things.

If something was bad enough to actually split over I wouldn't go back and I don't think that is the same prospect as staying in a relationship and working on problems without splitting up.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 23:32:36

What would make me stay is still having love for my partner and a desire to work on the problems and them still loving me and having a desire to work on the problems too. If nothing was done to improve things after that I'd leave because desire to fix things and love is not enough, there has to be actual action as well.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now