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Longtime friendship is pretty much gone - what to say?

(20 Posts)
CousCousDefinitely Tue 19-Jan-16 10:10:44

I've name changed as its highly likely my friend is on here. I will try to make it not to identifiable but I still need to give a good amount of background.
My friend and I are friends since reception. All through primary, most of secondary. We went to close unis and generally always kept in touch, even if there were months where we didn't talk we could pick up where we were and we used to really enjoy catching up.
In our 20s, I'd say our friendship waned a bit. We still met up 2 or 3 times a year, but our lives went in very different directions, literally as we both moved abroad. When we met up, it was always delightful. I'd meet her new boyfriend, she might meet mine, we'd find out all the good things and tricky things going on and generally come away thinking we should do it more often.
I'd say I needed her more than she needed me as a friend. But I'm not sure really. She is very different to me. She's an artist, I work in a office job.
The last couple of times we met, I felt it was me doing the running.
I have a child, she doesn't and I try not to let it impact on our arrangement and I rarely bring said child up in conversations with her. But the last couple of times. I had to do all the running and meet her where suited her, not me.
She didn't really seem willing to go out of her way to meet me, but I could meet her where she would be driving by anyway, at the time she would be passing. Not really trying to compromise. It wasn't very like her. She had a new boyfriend with her so maybe it was his influence, I don't know. I also know that being an artist, she might be stuck for petrol money, so maybe that part of it.
Anyway, I've since moved back to my childhood village. Her parents still live here. She visited them over Christmas and she has known that we are also back here. I texted the obligatory Merry Christmas, telling her my new address and saying we should meet up if she has some time. You can guess, it never happened, so it looks like our friendship has hit the wall, which I'm ok with.
Even reading this back, I know you are going to say, shes just not into you anymore. And I completely agree and need to get over it and move on.
But, she is getting married soon and I am invited. I feel that I am invited out of obligation. I don't want to go. Especially as she couldn't even bother meeting me when she visited her town and I live about 2 minutes from her parents. How do I say this to her and explain why. I feel she should know as she seems oblivious. Its sad to see the end of the friendship but I really don't think its worth trying to save. Can I word it in a non-bitter, non-confrontational way?

sofiahelins Tue 19-Jan-16 10:16:50

I don't think not visiting you means the end of the friendship at all confused
Maybe she was hungover & didn't feel like it (had that one a few times from childless friends!)
Go to the wedding, you're her oldest friends, it doesn't matter if you're not bosom buddies now. I have friends I see once a year if that, they're still important.

TooSassy Tue 19-Jan-16 10:23:19


I should be working but didn't want to read and run. I had a very similar situation to you.

Best friend. Really really close for about 12 to 13 years. I started a family and she virtually fell off the face of the planet. Fast forward about 10 years, my kids barely know her. She doesn't know their birthdays or anything about them. Contact between us has been minimal in all honesty. I too tried and take trips etc without my DC so it's not like I was glued to my family.

I took the decision to say nothing. What needed to be said? There hadn't been a falling out or nothing untoward had happened.

Years later, she has just broken off an engagement and i am getting a divorce. We are back in one another's lives and here's the thing. We still know one another and totally get one another. I'm uber grateful I never did anything like try to cut her off. She now confesses that she feels like a shit friend over how little time she spent with me and I say likewise.
She has been and will continue to be a huge source of support to me. And likewise. What happened in the intervening years is irrelevant to me. She never actually did anything wrong, she just stopped wanting to see me. Her choice.

Go to her wedding. You will regret not going IMO and if she didn't want you there, you wouldn't have been invited. That's my tuppence worth.

Whoknewitcouldbeso Tue 19-Jan-16 10:26:43

I agree with the first person who replied. I don't think her not seeing you over Christmas means your friendship is over. I think you should go to her wedding and have a fabulous time.

CousCousDefinitely Tue 19-Jan-16 10:39:47

Thanks, yes you all seem to have the same opinion. Maybe you are all rightblush
Will go and try to leave my bitterness at the door.
Old friends do seem to valuable to lose. Maybe it just needs to be put on ice until we've something we can both relate to.

WickedWax Tue 19-Jan-16 10:43:32

It seems that you're both in "different spaces" at the moment and your friendship is perhaps on hold. I don't see why you're holding any bitterness? Not attending her wedding will be making a big statement which you may come to regret in future.

CousCousDefinitely Tue 19-Jan-16 10:46:28

Bitterness that she couldn't be bothered to fit me into her visit here. I hadn't seem here in about 6 months,and she spent about 3 days up the road from me at her parents house. That's why I felt the invite was more that she felt obligated than actually wanted my client my any at it. I'm trying to see past it.

Only1scoop Tue 19-Jan-16 10:48:44

I definitely wouldn't not accept invite just on the back of this.

When you text her re Christmas catch up what did she say?

BackInTheRealWorld Tue 19-Jan-16 10:51:44

I like friendships where there is no pressure and we are able to pick up where we left off on the odd occasion we can meet up. I have local every day great friends and that's lovely but if and when they move away then I don't think either of us should have to go out of our way to keep major contact. Our friendship isn't over.

Of course I could be wrong and secretly they might hate me for not putting myself out more to drop my plans to see them. But they seem to hide it well.

loveyoutothemoon Tue 19-Jan-16 11:06:48

She's invited you to the wedding she obviously wants you there.

Ludways Tue 19-Jan-16 11:29:30

You're being very hasty with the breaking of the friendship. I have a friend who lives away, she comes local to me to visit family and doesn't see me, likewise I say I can't meet up with her when she's around and I miss whole visits. We've been friends for 25 years and it's been over a year since I've seen her. I'm meeting up with her in February and looking forward to it as even though our lives are going in different directions I genuinely love her.

Don't give up, even if things continue to peter out you'll still think of each other fondly., instead of things coming to a head and getting bitter.

tightywhities Tue 19-Jan-16 12:06:44

Do you know why she didn't come to visit? Did she reply to you text? Try to stop seeing her not visiting as a personal insult and instead consider that there are many reasons why she didn't come. When I visit my family it's such a rush fitting in relatives that I often don't have the time to visit old friends as well. Friend is probably also in the midst of wedding preparations so could be juggling loads of things or maybe just wanted to flop on the sofa for 3 days.

I would go to the wedding, have a good time and then once things have calmed down for friend try to arrange a catch up and take things from there.

pinkdelight Tue 19-Jan-16 13:17:31

Three days back at home with parents at xmas can easily get filled up with dutiful family visits and she might just have wanted some time to chill. It shouldn't feel like she has to see you. It's much longer than six months since I've seen some of my lifelong friends and it doesn't affect our friendship. Sorry you're taking it personally and you're probably right that it may mean more to you than her right now, especially if she's busy with her wedding, but I really think you're reading too much into it and shouldn't be dramatic about it. Go to the wedding and revise your expectations of the friendship so that any time you get together is great, but you don't owe each other anything. You're both grown ups with busy lives and other friends who might have more current things in common right now, but you have your history and chemistry and that can continue if you let it.

loooopo Tue 19-Jan-16 13:21:52

I have been in the same situation as too sassy

Friendships go both in and out of focus over time .... and although there are times that I have felt ignored, neglected and a bit used at certain times - I am so glad that I have let it ride and these wonderful people are still in my life. I cherish our relationships.

As we get older out lives get more complicated and demanding with more and more people in them.....more new friendships and acquaintances thru work colleagues, neighbours, ILs, children, childrens parents, hobbies etc....

Look to the big picture - you have a good chemistry - value it - treasure the time you get together and the memories you hold.

You cant make old friends....

georgetteheyersbonnet Tue 19-Jan-16 13:22:47

OP I confess that this was like me this past Christmas - I have a friend whose parents literally live down the road where my parents live. She was there at Christmas and so were we and I didn't see her. Why? 1. I misread her text and thought she was coming up on the 27th and when I read it back ages later it was that she was up until the 27th (eeeep). 2. Things were bad for me over Christmas with a lot of difficult family problems, and I was both depressed and dealing with those and there was no time to see her, even to text. I feel bad about not texting her back in time or texting much since and it doesn't mean I don't value the friendship, just that I'm having a difficult time. I know my friend has in the past done this too when she has had a bad time (miscarriage and relationship problems). I would go to her wedding and see what happens - she may have had a lot going on and not wanted to say. x

Gobbolino6 Tue 19-Jan-16 14:06:20

I think these things often happen in the late 20s-early 30s time period. In my experience sometimes you get the friendship back on track and sometimes you don't. I'd go to the wedding.

georgetteheyersbonnet Tue 19-Jan-16 22:37:01

Also OP the child/no child thing may make more of a difference than you imagine. I know my friend avoided me for a while after her miscarriage, and it's hard to express how painful it can be for someone who (secretly or not) wants a child to sometimes see those who have one.

Offred Tue 19-Jan-16 22:54:08

Don't be unnecessarily dramatic by not going to her wedding.

You seem over invested TBH. It's a friendship, it will naturally wax and wane.

I had a really close friend completely drop me recently for a paranoid misunderstanding like this. I was very depressed and suicidal last April and went into a hole for a few weeks. She was, on reflection, a bit too emotionally dependent on me and took me not actively caring for her (phoning to check up on her) for a while as me abandoning her and has never spoken to me since.

I tried a few times to talk to her on the phone/when I bump into her but she ignored my calls and gave me the brush off so I just stopped bothering.

Don't assume her not seeing you at Christmas is about you. I wish my friend had bothered to ask me what was up and I would have told her what was going on. She just withdrew into paranoia based on her own issues IMO. It hurts that she wasn't there for me during a bad time and that she made it all about her so I don't think I would want to be friends now, she's too needy and the friendship proved to be one sided.

CousCousDefinitely Wed 20-Jan-16 17:34:38

I completely agree with you. Im too needy. I think I need a few more friends and not rely on a couple of patchy ones! I'm going to go to the wedding, be kind and just not over think it. Thank you everyone for helping me see from the outside.
I've moved back to my old hometown, as I said, and finding it a bit weird. It's the same but different. Not as easy to slot back in as I thought although I haven't lived here since I was 18,now in thirties.

SellFridges Wed 20-Jan-16 17:38:55

I would go to the wedding (which I think you've decided to do).

I have a similar friendship which I'm trying to cherish more. We are both busy, both have children and full time jobs. I visit my family (where she lives) every 6 weeks or so but don't always even tell her I'm visiting. It's hard enough fitting in Grandparents, Great Grand Parents, my brother, Aunts, Uncles etc. So I make an effort a couple of times a year and she has started to visit me also. It's hard, but life changes and friendships can change too.

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