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Strange relationship ???(14 Posts)
Hi , new to this but long time lurker on this site during my divorce !!
I am currently in the midst of a divorce after 16 years of marriage , amicable and I actually feel very relieved that I have finally had the guts to leave ... Anyway that's a side issue. My question is that I have a relationship ( use the term loosely ) with another man and I can't quite work out what we are. So here are the bullet point facts.
Friends for many years , close , shared a lot over the years , especially his relationships , which have failed and I have talked him through many a break up. I have always found him attractive but was married so would never so much as flirted with him ( not in my nature ), but in all honesty , he is way out of my league anyway. So cut to a year ago , and we start very flirt texts , leads to sexting , leads to meeting up and kissing , leads to fooling around ... Which eventually led to us sleeping together and having the most fantastic sex I have ever had!! ( this is over the course of a few months ). No alcohol involved so it's not like we have made a mistake and got drunk and fooled around. We can't seem to see each other without it becoming physical , we are also so close in other ways , he tells me he loves me , feels so close to me , etc ..... But there is never a discussion about what this relationship actually is ?!!! We text a few times a week I would say, and I am very much holding back ( for example i won't text him first , always wait for him to txt me ). I suppose my question is , if he wants more then surely he would try to take this to the next level ?? I don't think he is using me for sex, cos he has a long line of girls who he could very easily have no strings sex with. I am not a pathetic silly woman , even tho this may make me sound like one !! I just really really like him , but I guess I feel like I'm punching above my weight so don't feel confident enough to have an adult conversation about this with him, Also he has a lot of issues going on at the moment so trying to keep it light ..... And just hope that he falls desperately in love with me .
Please feel free to tell me to get a fucking grip and grow up , it's what I tell myself each day ( as I obsessively check his Facebook and re read our sexts)... Or do you think there is a chance and he wouldn't keep doing this with me if he did t have some feelings ??
Many thanks for reading this, am aware I would have switched off well before now if I was reading this madness !!!
Why don't you ever contact him? He is probably wondering what your feelings are about the whole thing?
He's a player. You've been his emotional crutch for years. Now you're having sex. Don't expect it to evolve into a relationship. Sorry.
Over the years, and there have been many, I have come to the view that a relationship is what it is, not what it's described as. If you enjoy what is happening then enjoy it and develop it. It's natural to have nerves and/or concerns but don't feel the need to have a heavy conversation to discuss what your relationship is. And yes you can take the lead and suggest things. Just my thoughts, not meant to be critical or judgemental.
Do you do anything other than sext and meet up and have sex?
Yes - do you do "stuff" together either before or after the sex or separately? Like dinner or watching a film etc or is it just sex?
If not, what about suggesting very very gently and casually, something. It would need to be not a big "LETS GO ON A DATE" pronouncement -just more kinda like "oh you know that [band/film/exhibition] you mentioned its on next week I was thinking of going would you come with me".
Thanks so much for all your replies , I really just thought this was so pathetic that people would just read and run!!
Part of me agrees with the fact that I might be getting played ( altho being his friend for 10 years I would like to think he would t do that !... But love is blind ) . So a big part of me thinks this is just a bit of fun to pass the time . But another part of me thinks this is the beginning of a relationship which has moved on from friendship to something else .... ( and he may be cautious as I am still sharing a house with STBX as we are selling up ), ans the fact that he has some family issues he is dealing with.
We don't meet with the intention of having sex per se, we have met for lunch , for a laugh, I have been round to his house for a drink, met up just for a chat re my divorce etc. I guess what hasn't happened is that we haven't seen each other regularly or in a dating like way.
BB888 to answer your question , I do contact him every now and then as check in with him, but after I have seen him , I kind of wait until he texts me first , cos I am paranoid that I am being used and it's almost like I am testing him. For example now I have t heard from him for a couple of days , but I won't text him. Our last conversation was about how our night was , very hot etc , and what he wanted to do , I texted him Sunday to say I kept thinking about it , and he agreed .... That's it - nothing !
My mature part of my brain says either - 1. Man up and just tell him how you feel !! Or 2. Chill the fuck out , take each day as it comes and see where this organically goes
Just so afraid i am going to end up heartbroken ( which is not my nature - I
I'm a cold hearted bitch !!! 😜
Hi there, I think you should just chill and enjoy this stage of your relationship with him. I´m hopeful he´s not using you for sex, seeing as you´ve both been friends for so long. That´d be really awkward too cos it´s not like normal people can just switch right back into ¨platonic friend mode¨!
If you´ve both just come out of serious, long term relationships it´s probably a nice feeling to have this fun, sexy and more laid-back thing you´ve got going on. I wouldn´t be in a rush to develop it into a heavy-duty relationship just yet, personally speaking. I´d just wanna go with the flow. See how it naturally evolves.
Don´t keep thinking that it´s all bound to end in tears and you being heartbroken either...fate might hear you and it´ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy! Live in the moment more and the future will take care of itself best wishes.
MoominPie22 - thanks for that advice , you have kind of said what I am trying to do, just go with the flow and see where this goes. I have been with my ex for 18 years , so half my adult life and he is single now but was in a long term relationship until fairly recently.
He had a death recently and asked me round that evening , which I felt really good about cos of all the people he wanted to spend time with , it was me . He has said things like , we are more than friends , and when we were together it was deeper than friendship , it was feelings coming out - when he says things like that, I feel great about us. But then days go by and I don't hear from him and that makes me think.. Ah, I am thinking about him all the time , so how can he go days and not even text. I think cos I am the prophet of doom I am always looking for the negative things to invalidate the situation ( even tho that's not what I want ).
So I think I will take your advice and take each day and week as it comes , proceed with some caution, but enjoy the moment. I would think if he wants nothing to do with me , romantically, then I will know soon enough , it should become clear.
I also wonder if he thinks I may not be ready , as have been married for so long and only separated for 5 months , he was married a similar amount of time so will know that it can be overwhelming.
Thanks again for all your replies , you have all given me some clarity in different ways
Live for today, go with the flow & enjoy yourself. I personally think, he's showing respect by not wading in & finds you irresistible
TheNaze73 - yeah, I hadn't looked at it that way !! He is a very respectful person actually.
And also, he really IS outa my league , you know when someone's is so hot and you just know that you're punching above your weight - and I'm not saying it so people will think , Awwww , it's just a fact!! He is HOT!!!!! ... Hence me thinking it will end badly hahahahaha
Thank you for that response ;)
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