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What are the implications of citing co-respondents in a divorce?

(55 Posts)
Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 00:42:46

That's it, really. What effect does it have one the people cited? What do they have to do? Does it add to the cost? The time it takes?

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 01:16:19


LineyReborn Tue 19-Jan-16 01:24:50

It has no effect these days, surely?

SeoulSista Tue 19-Jan-16 01:29:31

I think it is strongly advised against by family law experts.

Have a read of this article

If the OW is local, I would worry that you would lose your dignity and come across as vengeful.
Do you have absolute proof, if they contested it? And yes you would have to pay for the costs of serving them with the petition.

If the purpose of the divorce is to be in a position to restart your life ASAP then focus on a positive future for yourself, and leave their muck off your shoes.

Pantone363 Tue 19-Jan-16 01:31:51

The judge will take a very dim view

I understand why someone would want to though especially if OW/M knew they were married

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 01:41:14

Why would the judge take a dim view?

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 01:42:50

I suppose I want his adultery as a matter of record.

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 01:44:25

I read the article, Soeul. No, none of them are local. No, I am not after reclaiming costs from them. I suppose I want them to face the reality of what they did.

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 01:45:10

All of them, probably STBEX and the OW (pl).

SeoulSista Tue 19-Jan-16 01:50:36

But you can have adultery with naming and shaming.

Do you think he would be ashamed? If he has already done it he won't face up to it.
When I think about the people I know who have strayed, all of them would see this as proof of your nuttiness and why it's impossible to have a relationship with you.
I thinking you are underestimating their capacity to deny and delude and twist or dismiss things. He'll probably think it shows what a stud he is, but it definitely won't make home think in the way that you are hoping to achieve.

SeoulSista Tue 19-Jan-16 01:51:50

Even as a matter of record he'll just think "So What?"

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 02:14:10

What about the co-respondents? They can't all end up with him ... won't it affect them?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 19-Jan-16 02:19:23

How many co-respondents are there?

SeoulSista Tue 19-Jan-16 02:25:52

Won't it affect them? No, not in any meaningful way, what are you going to do if they deny it- do you have proof.

Iit will make no difference to their lives. They will think nutty-ex, but it won't make them more moral or feel the shame you want them to feel. They didn't care then and they don't care now.

headexplodesbodyfreezes Tue 19-Jan-16 02:30:06

Don't do it, you will lose your dignity in exchange for making a point. A point that no-one except you gives a shit about.

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 02:33:10

I want them to hurt when the papers arrive. I want them to feel shame and to have to explain to their OH.

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 02:33:55

goddess three: a one-night stand and two affairs.

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 02:34:56

It doesn't feel that I have much dignity left, anyway.

MooseBeTimeForSnow Tue 19-Jan-16 02:48:38

If you're proceeding on the ground of adultery and he's prepared to admit it I really wouldn't bother naming the others.

SeoulSista Tue 19-Jan-16 02:55:47

Heartbroken, every day is a new day. Get some sleep and promise yourself that you are going to do classy from now on.

Get dick-face out of your life. Realise you deserve better than that and choose to rid yourself of his awfulness as quickly and painlessly as possible. Choose not to create more heartache for yourself.

They may never have to explain tothei OH. Just throw everything in the bin, or deny it maybe they have already dealt with it and they will resent you for dragging up this shit? Who knows? That's their life and business.

Mum sent will help you and keep you focussed on your improved life. Keep posting and we will help.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 19-Jan-16 05:23:07

When did you become aware of his 3 sexual liaisons with ow? Did you discover all 3 at one time or did you 'forgive' him after the first and agree to give your marriage another chance before making subsequent discovery, or discoveries, of his adultery?

The only reason lawyers advise against naming co-respondents is because doing so has the potential to cause delay to the proceedings which may, in turn, rack up the costs of the divorce.

Problems can arise when serving papers solely on the respondent and these can be multiplied when it's necessary to also serve co-respondents, more especially as it's not in their interests to rush to return documents as they can be made to pay the court fees for the divorce hearing.

I feel your pain, OP, and your name says it all, but even if you were to name the ow there's no guarantee that they'd have to explain themselves to their ohs when they received the relevant papers.

I suggest you look to divorce him asap for adultery and talk to your solicitor about naming the ow in your petition without naming them as co-respondents - ie. it came to my knowledge on x date that the respondent had committed adultery with <ow's name> and also with <ow's name> and so forth.

If you can incorporate their names into the particulars of your petition to divorce for adultery, you'll have a document that effectively names and shames your stbxh and the ow should you wish to show it to others.

What a tragedy it would be if you were to set out one fine day to send a copy to your stbxh or a very good male friend, but inadvertently sent it to Mr OW's Surname and address. Freudian slips happen smile but the best revenge is to live well.

Would you like to share more of your story here? Others have found it does help to vent in the company of those who understand exactly what you're going through, and you'll never be short of a willing hand to hold yours for as long as you have need of support.

Do you have supportive friends/family in rl? If so, I hope they're rallying round and doing their best to distract you from some of the gloomier thoughts that can prevail when a marriage of some duration ends because of one party's infidelty.

Talcumsoul Tue 19-Jan-16 10:10:25

Get your solicitor to write to him and state that because of his sexual incontinence with Mary Smith, Jane Jones and Betty Brown, you seem this behaviour unreasonable and are therefore proceeding with a divorce.
You will get a copy of the letter, copy it yourself and post it to Mary, Betty and Jane. Sorted!

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 10:54:32

I know who they are but I don't have addresses. I have Fb profiles.

Heartbroken4 Tue 19-Jan-16 11:01:21

I have already shared some under a different name, which he found and read. 15 years last week. Together about 18 years from University. Four children and a stillbirth.

I have been grappling with depression, some hoarding issues (not extreme but enough that he felt physically pushed out when he returned from working away in the week) and I said some stupid and hurtful things last March. I "broke his heart". Instead of counselling then, as he admitted we should have done, he went off onto dating sites and has fallen in love with one of the people.

I am on ADs, which are massively helping, but he isn't interested. Ten days ago, he told the children (9 and under) he was leaving. They begged him to stay and he told them he loved them more than anything in the world, he didn't want to hurt them and promised he would stay. He thinks he was bullied into the promise and I, somehow, stitched him up.

TooSassy Tue 19-Jan-16 11:06:07

My lawyer (very experienced) said filing under adultery is fairly uncommon nowadays and unreasonable behaviour is commonly used even for cases where adultery has been committed.

When I quizzed him about why this was, he explained that from a legal POV it is actually very hard to prove that adultery has been committed. I had a lot of clear evidence that STBXH had cheated but you know what there were no pics of him actually DTD or any other sexual act. Technically I couldn't prove adultery, nor to be hienz did I want to.

Unreasonable behaviour actually cannot be disputed as it is effectively saying one party can no longer remain married to the other. How can a judge say no.

I personally couldn't care less what I filed under, I just want a divorce.


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