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I'm turning into a horrible person but I can't seem to get a grip(7 Posts)
I know I'm being awful and probably need a good talking to.
I have always been close to my sister. She has always been more attractive and much more popular than me .she has lovely kids, so do I, and a lots of money, she has a very successful career.
My husband and myself have supported her A LOT and were honestly really happy to do this. She split up with her partner when her children were young and we really did look after them take them on holidays etc.
A few years ago she met a new partner and it has been a slow burn on and off really.
About 18 months ago he moved in with her and since then we seem to be no longer welcome in her house. In that time I've been there a handful of times.
They have been here lots of times for dinner and we have included them in lots of special occasions.
I feel so angry and discarded as though my usefulness is over. She sends texts to communicate with rather than speak to me.
They often go to events concerts cinema meals out and never invite us to go.
I have aset of friends that we do things with and I always invite my sister and her partner and they always come. Now I don't want to invite them but it would feel so aggressive not to.
I know they don't need to ask us everywhere and probably he doesn't like us much but I feel so furious with her for "dumping" me.
I know I'm behaving like a sulky teenager towards her, I'm annoying my own lovely husband by obsessing about it all.
I can't work out why I feel like this. Jealous? Resentful? Left out?
Whatever it is I have to grow up and I am hoping some straight talking will make me see sense
I don't think you need to grow up. I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your sister.
The positive thing is that she comes to things you invite her to.
I wonder if she just doesn't have as much time now fit in her partner, his friends/family, time for herself and her children, whereas before she had lots of time and craved company. She feels busy, she still sees you loads, maybe it doesn't feel like as much of a change for her.
I would talk to her and tell her how you feel.
You don't sound horrible - you sound hurt.
I think you have two choices: suck it up, and eventually you will get used to this as the new norm, or talk to her. Talking to her is a higher risk, higher reward strategy - you may get an apology/explanation; you may get an almighty row. Esp if deep down she knows you are right!
If you think he is the barrier - could you look to see her one to one, more intimate coffee/catch-up rather than multiple couples social events - then you will understand if she values you? She might need this. Sounds like you do to.
Your dynamic is
she struggles - you rescue
you organise - she comes
not the other way round
No matter how attractive she is or what her new relationship is, it doesn’t change her role within your relationship. Currently she doesn’t need rescuing - but - I very much doubt she has thought of this consciously - and even though you have - you haven’t questioned that role just your expectations of her actions.
You seem to have just expected the roles to change automatically, and that now she is less needy she would step into a more adult role within your relationship, and she hasn’t.
It may be she simply hasn’t thought of it, or finds it easier ( more comforting) to be dependent on you. This would cast her in a more child like role and negate any need for reciprocation of what you have done for her - you have effectively "parented" her.
You could confront her with the inequality of your relationship - but If I am right she would be resentful - as - in taking on a parenting role she would not see herself as having any return obligation to you.
or you could ask for help - force her out of complacency by reversing the roles.
although I have made some quite sweeping assumptions here based on one post
Thankyou for these replies they have mAde me re evaluate our roles. I have tried to speak to her some time ago but as 665 and scared identified it did not go well really. It certainly didn't change anything
We have gone out briefly together but it was all very superficial and the new partner was calling constantly
I suppose I need to move on and I think that you are right we have played a parenting role so perhaps I'm experiencing an element of empty nest feelings?
I want to behave differently towards her and that is what I'm struggling with. Im playing awful games like coming up with reasons why she can't call in here as I feel not allowed there, and hate the thought of being Managed.
I do need to alter my responses as I will drive my husband mad. He does agree but it clearly matters less to him and he doesn't want awkwardness especially as we have a few big joint events arranged - by me!!!- and he doesn't want them ruined.
My current strategy is avoidance but I know it isn't a long term solution
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