Does anyone have any advice for dealing with their mother in law... She is in no way a toxic mother in law. I have always quite liked spending time with her other than when it's too much, which it's now become. She cares about us both and is helpful and supportive.
However, I find when we spend too much time with them that I get frustrated which then spoils the otherwise perfectly pleasant times we have. I've been with my partner for 6.5 years now we have our own house and are often happy certainly not perfect. I know his family well and like them. However my issues have really only come about recently and are driving a wedge between us and I don't know how to handle it.
Recently my partner and I got a puppy and since then she has taken it upon herself to be granny and idolises the dog. It's very sweet but is becoming increasingly overbearing. She offers her unasked for opinions on caring for the puppy. He's our first dog together (we're 25) and she has had dogs throughout her marriage. She's never done puppy school or what I'd call proper crate training and probably hasn't socialised her dogs all that well but takes it upon herself to question how and why were crate training the dog and many other things we've done with him. I don't look to her as an oracle on dog training in any way so when her view differs it's just irritating since I would end up sounding like a twerp if I explained why we do things our way. In my view dog training has moved on from her views but I would never say that as nothing is gained from comments like that. Except I have to hear it. It's frankly undermining and so many of her comments are loaded with a tone to them. Possibly something like passive aggression (except of course not aggressive just undermining)
She invites us round and then makes it awkward when we leave as she would prefer we left later. This is no matter what time it is that we leave at. We didn't stay the night over the christmas break again this was questioned. All day. We didn't spend new year there. Again this was questioned continuously and caused her to huff and puff. We make plenty of time for them but having a new dog doesn't make me want to stay over. I can't be doing with the dog crying or him having to sleep with us in our room while he's so young. We don't live far from them at all.
All people have their negative traits, I'm full of them, but I think she's quite negative and jealous of others. She only has sons so talks to me in a girly way about her friends in a jealous way expecting me to want to listen. I try really hard to be a positive person and it's awful to have to umm and ahh to conversations like this. With my own mother I could tell her to stop it. So what if a friend bought an expensive coffee machine. It's her prerogative. I'd probably enjoy a coffee from it but instead I have to go "yes it must have cost a lot" etc etc.
My issue is that I would never expect my partner to want to spend as much time with my family as he does me with his. I find it draining to go as much as we have been doing since getting the puppy (she wants to see the dog every week - at her house) and I feel undermined as a puppy parent. To me it feels like an example of when we have a child and she would question why we do what we do. It drives a wedge between us as I want to enjoy going and for me that is going less and him maybe saying to her that when we decide to leave to head home, accept it like a good host. He could maybe say to her that I feel undermined so to not question us so much. I only see this becoming a bigger issue. How can i in a way that would not spark an argument that the boundaries and rules maybe need bringing up. I would never accept my own mother doing this so don't see why I should accept his. He btw feels he can comment on my family dynamic
How do I tell my partner of 6.5 years that he needs to talk to his mother about how certain actions of hers make me feel undermined and frustrated. How can I do this in a way that does not make him instantly defensive of his mother. Perhaps the issue with his mother is not as big as the fact that I think we wouldn't be able to discuss this as he wouldn't like the personal family 'attack'. I know if i were to explain to my partner like the above he would get defensive and we'd argue. I'd like to make him see my point of view and find some way to balance our views. Any advice how to do so most welcome and thanks for reading my incoherent rant.
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Relationships
Issue with partner and his mother
10 replies
Sunflowers22 · 18/01/2016 11:50
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