Talk

Have you asked her?

I've asked her to marry me & she doesn't want to as her son is getting married & doesn't want to crash his limelight, which I get.

If you do all her house maintaince etc but only see her a limiterld amount of time I think she wants a handy man not a lover Why do you see each other so little? Ok no marriage but you could still live together ?

She says she's not ready for it. She has two older daughters living at home. When does someone become ready for it? She says we've only been together 18 months, whilst I think that's quite a long time

I think at 42 and 51 - 18mths is quite a long time if you are both mature and reasonable people. Why do you not see more of each other ? I semi lived with my DH for various reasons for a while and that worked well for about 2 years. I think if you have really talked it over and she has no real valid reasons I would go for A.

I'd ask her to sit down and discuss where you each see things standing.

I'd like to think we're both mature & reasonable. She's fiercely independent in her outlook & I get that. The more I think about it, the more I think I'm not wrong to want more

A but for her sake not yours. If you think doing things for someone you apparently love enough to marry means that she is obligated to spend a certain amount of time with you in exchange, you need a rethink.

People do things at different speeds. Not everyone wants to be with their partner constantly. Maybe you need someone more clingy and less independent.

Vaginaaa - bit harsh - op sounds fine and is hardly controlling

That's exactly right, I'm far from controlling. Retained all my interests, just think I maybe compromising my principles now

I didn't say anything about being controlling. Some men seem to think doing things for a woman means you buy more of her time or affection or are entitled to more back from her than she is comfortable with. That's how the OP reads to me.

Thenaze you are allowed to be dissatisfied with the amount of contact you have and also to wonder why she doesnt want to make more of a commitment.

It seems like you just both want different things out of this? That's not wrong, you just need to decide how much of a difference in expectation you can put up with.

Rubbish - all hes trying to say is that he wants to see her more and have a commitment - it wasn't 'Ive cut her hedge so she should shag me' in any way

I can somewhat understand her viewpoint but I also see yours. If you are ready to settle with her and she is not then really it is your choice. If you love her enough to live at her pace then you have to stay together and make the most of it but if you are looking to make a full life with someone clearly at present she is not the one.

LTB

It was more the "I've done maintenance, holidays, support and given her space so she should want to see me more" vibe I was getting. Wanting to see her more is one thing. Listing all the nice things you do and then wondering why that hasn't earned you more time with someone is another.

The point I was trying to make was I'm not offish & would run through a brick wall for her. I was just trying to make the point I'm reasonable. dragonsdaughter summed it up perfectly.

Erh no its not - being happy to let somonrle do loads of maintaince and shiz but limiting contact to that of a teenage realionship is not being 'independant' its being a user.

If I was "fiercely independent" with grown up dc still at home, I wouldn't be moving some bloke in either

Especially if he was whining about "how much he did for me"

Op, stop doing the maintenance stuff if you only see it as tit for tat. It doesn't gain you brownie points.

At your ages (which I am, thereabouts) I would be forging my own independent life and putting myself/dc/dgc first. A partner would be a pleasant addition, not someone to build the whole thing around.

Any fucker at no point has the op said he wines at the GF about how much he does - its actually a fucking huge leap from him saying on here how he is supportive of her to saying he whines.

I suspect this will all come down to your net work and annual income and her protecting her children and their lives, inheritance etc.

Surprise me and tell me you are worth 3x what she is and earn a lot more.

I will surprise you, that is the case financially.

Believe it or not, some women would rather be independent than be rushed into something they are not (or may never be) ready for

OP, what is the story with her. Did she have a long marriage ? How did that pan out for her ?