Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband sent pic of his erect penis to his BF's girlfriend.(144 Posts)
I've been a long time lurker but I really need some outside perspective on this - it's been going round and round in my head since I found the messages yesterday evening and I can't sleep. Haven't spoken to anyone (including him) in RL yet and feeling upset, confused and angry.
So I checked on DH's WhatsApp messages yesterday evening and found an archived conversation from Sat eve/ Sun morning with said pic of his dick, bra & knicker shot of her, along with messages of how the thought of her makes him hard etc etc. I know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right. He'd been out the night before with his BF as he does each week (although I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what his GF or BF is up to) and I have a strong feeling this isn't the first conversation of its type to her.
I haven't spoken to DH yet. I know he'll be utterly vile and that it'll be my fault (after denying it first). It's not the first time he's sexted other women. Pre marriage he had an ongoing sexting relationship with someone (we'll have been married 11 years this year and have 3 DC) and I made the decision to marry him anyway in the ridiculous hope/thought that it was a one off. Then he slept with someone after we'd been married for 18 months when our DD was 6 months. He never apologised for cheating and denied it and denied it, then had a go at me for snooping (although he'd left the computer on the email that led to me finding out). I've not been able to let this go, mainly because of his reaction and lack of any apology - he somehow justified it to himself (midlife crisis, I didn't understand him....) although we haven't spoken about it since - I promised I wouldn't throw it back at him in every argument we had.
I feel so stupid. I feel hurt and angry and upset by the messages yesterday. I know it's not technically cheating but it hurts just as much. But I knew what he was like when I married him. And I know there must be other things he's done that I don't know about. I don't want to be with him but more of me doesn't want to break up our family. I don't want our children to have to go through a divorce.
Having said that, I'm going to make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow so I'm in possession of some facts and hopefully I'll feel better for doing sonething proactive, but I'm also scared that it will scare me into doing nothing - again.
When I talk to him about this I know he's going to be horrid - that it's my fault for snooping, not having enough sex with him, that he'll fight me for custody of the children if I try to divorce him (we had the conversation last time). I can't forgive him, I'm sure he'll do it again (a leopard can't change its spots right?), but I'm scared that I'll feel even worse separated from him. Part of me just wants to bury my head in the sand and do nothing at all.
Sorry for the long rambling post. Just needed to share. I'm at a total loss about how to deal with this. I can't see that talking with him will help.
It's not your fault
It seems unlikely he is going to change
Helen is going to make you unhappy and that isn't going to change
It is better for your children for you not to be unhappy
Well done for posting, definitely seek legal advice and a good friend to support you
How awful for you.
Can you start to get some information together for the solicitor so you can get the most from their advice eg financial information, copies of bank state,nets, write up a basic statement of details of your relationship ie length of marriage, working arrangements, assets.
Also be aware lots of men say they will fight for custody in order to scare their wives, most don't go through with it.
Lots of deep breaths for you
Thank you both. Yes, think being practical and preparing for solicitors will be a good thing for me to focus on right now and help keep me sane.
Why is it not technically cheating? Cheating is any interactive sexual titivation activity that needs to be kept secret because the perpetrator knows it oversteps the boundaries of the relationship.
You'd never send anyone a picture of your vagina saying someone made you wet when you thought of them!
So he's cheated 3 times that you know of up till now.
He has no respect for you and fully expects to continue living exactly the life he wants whilst having the comfort of an easy family life when it suits him. Is he ever pleasant to live with? He sounds dreadful.
It's great that you are seeing a solicitor, I wouldn't bother speaking to him at all about what you have found until afterwards when you have a better idea of your legal situation. Make sure you have evidence. I'd also record your initial conversations where he might threaten you re the DC (don't know if you could actually use this in court, but could possibly be useful).
Actually I'd not approach him at all about it, I'd just tell his (ex)bf and let him find out that way. Then let him know he's getting divorced too.
You really deserve better than this.
What an awful, pathetic, dirty bastard he is. Imagine sitting wanking your dick hard to send a picture to your best friend's girlfriend!
I hope you're able to think of him in THIS light and not as the husband you thought you married.
Yes he's the Father of your children but that's a separate issue. He's YOUR husband and he's been absolutely disgusting.
Think on that when he blames you. HE did this. NOT you.
I would surprise him with the divorce papers. Don't give him time to plan. Get everything ready, don't warn him and shoot.
Sorry to hear that. That's pretty bad
Will you see a solicitor before you confront him?
I'm so sorry to read your post.
As you say, he won't change, if you have the conversation with him, you know exactly where it will be going - nowhere......
If you really feel this is the end, consulting a solicitor and getting all your ducks in line before speaking to him would be the way to go. Take screen shots of all the texts etc and copies of all financial statements, I would move any jewellery /passports etc. to a safe place (parents / friends?) as well. Good luck, you and your children deserve better.
I know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right
That's a ridiculous MN attitude that I'm fighting a one-woman battle to demolish.
You were right to check.
Now get your ducks in a row and your future organised before you say a word to him.
Glad you are seeing a solicitor. Go and get yourself checked for STDs too.
Divorcing will not be pleasant but living without this other shoe waiting to drop all the time will be nice for you. Stay strong and focused and summon up all the energy you can for your children - there are worse things than living with just mum and one of those is living in a home where dad is contemptuous and disrespectful of mum and has no respect for himself either.
I wouldn't bother confronting him tbh. Just take a photo of it somehow. He will just be nasty, you won't get an apology, you will just end up feeling belittled and hurt all over again.
Sometimes keeping what you know close to your chest gives you a feeling of empowerment. It certainly helps in the emotional disengagement process to just plough ahead with your own plans and not keep on falling into the gerbil wheel of the relationship where he cheats/you confront/he gets angry-denies-never apologises-makes you feel inadequate.
You are probably not going to get any sort of apology out of this man except as a ploy to keep you from taking the initiative and divorcing. Beware of attempts by him to reel you back in this way.
Can you just walk away without getting the truth? It takes time and conscious effort to tell yourself it is really and truly over.
Sorry to hear that, you must have not slept a wink.
They all say that, wrt taking the children away, leaving you penniless etc, don't let him frighten you.
Oh .... I am so sorry. See the solicitor and then talk to him! I'd also try to get some shots of the messages before deletion.
Lots of OP X
I was going to suggest taking a photo of his phone with your phone.
He really is an arsehole and this is 100% his fault. And of course it is technically cheating.
He sounds awful and vile. I'm sure you know in your heart he will never change. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect. As the others have said, do see a solicitor asap before confronting him and don't let his threats make you back down. You will never be happy if you stay with this man and you deserve so much better.
What a shithead! You definately have to get rid of this pathetic excuse for a husband so it´s great you´re taking steps to empower yourself straight away. You need to arm yourself with the facts which will give you confidence before confronting him, although you can absolutely pull him up at any time. I think I´d find it hard not to say anything straight away tbh.
Who cares if he´s gonna be vile? It´s desperstion cos he has precisely no defence. You would always be suspicious given he has a history of being devious and decietful.
I would also be letting the woman´s partner know what she´s been up to with your husband. The poor guy needs enlightened about her behaviour asap.
'I know I shouldn't have snooped - serves me right'
'That's a ridiculous MN attitude that I'm fighting a one-woman battle to demolish.'
Checking an OH's phone is not acceptable behaviour. Wonder how the would-be demolisher upthread would like to be on the receiving end of phone monitoring.
Mind you, neither is a married man sending pictures of his dick to some random trollop his friend knows acceptable.
kungpo she snooped cos she knew he was a devious fuckwit that can´t be trusted. I fully back women to go with their instincts and look for evidence to back up their suspicions.
Under normal circumstances it would be unacceptable but I think instances like this are an exception imo.
See a solicitor...then the minute you are free of him, let his best friend know what happened too.
Don't forward the photos to anyone Though.
Seeing the solicitor sounds like a plan.
Adultery is a quick route to divorce.
Looking at a phone just because you are nosy and your partner has given you no indication to is one thing, someone having a history of affair is different.
You need to end the relationship now for your own health and for your kids sake. See a solicitor today.
Who's the main cater op?
In your shoes I'd see a solicitor and start proceedings. Then tell the BF to look at Saturdays snapchat conversation as there's a conk and underwear shot. Tell him you haven't looked through their conversations properly so have no idea if anything else is there.
You obviously had a gut feeling, looking at his phone is such a minor crime compared to what he's been up to
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.