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Sister doesn't want to see me(37 Posts)
I just typed a long post on my phone and it disappeared so I will keep this brief.
I fell out with my BIL at the weekend and now my sister wants to cut me out and I don't know what to do.
Big back story, but in short, I don't like my BIL. It has recently become apparent that he is addicted to cocaine which has fuelled my feelings. My sister has been telling me how unhappy she is, I have seen her change into shadow of herself and its been difficult all round.
Added to this, my relationship with my sister is not perfect. We get on well these days but I have always been warey as she can be a user and a bit of a stirrer.
Anyway, this weekend I agreed to have my 3 nephews whilst my sister and BIL went away. My sister would never return such a favour ( I know that should by matter but it causes resentment). It was all fine but admittedly a slog at times as I had 5 aged 5 to 10 without help. I agreed to meet sister and BIL at the airport as its halfway between out houses. This is about a 1.5 hour round trip for me. I had a trolley with all the nephews bedding on etc. BIL moaned about " how the hell are meant to get that on the bus" and then stormed off with the youngest child leaving my sister and I to sort out all the bags. I saw red. I though how dare he storm off when I have looked after his children all weekend, without so much as a thanks from him and expects my sister to walk down to meet him ( he was about 70m away) with 2 young kids and weighed down with bags. My sister and I didn't know what to do with all their bedding etc but agreed I would take it home. I didn't know they had parked somewhere where this would be an issue and there was no other solution. I was so angry I called BIl back and told him to help my sister and said I was really peed off he had stormed off over his bags, leaving me and sis to sort out consideribg all I had done that wrekend for him. He shouted and swore ( expected) and it was all quite loud but over in minutes. I walked off.
I rarely get this angry and acknowledge it wasn't the best thing, especially in front of the children.
However, BIL made a very spiteful, personal comment to me last year which took all my strength not to deal with. My sister says BIL just says what he thinks and that's him.
I spoke to my sister and it was OK. She said he was angry and wanted and aplogy and rather predictably had twisted the whole story and emebelleshed. I pointed out he has said worse to me and is normally quite happy to dish it out.
Sister was in agreement "I know what he's like, he can be such an arse" type comments.
Then 3 hours later I get a Facebook message from her and BIL saying they want nothing to do with me.
I have replied saying it seems a stupid thing to fall out about and let's sleep on it.
I don't want to lose my sister and nephews but don't see how this can be resolved. I really don't want to apologise - I would rather have my teeth extracted than apologise to him. I think it could have blown over and not been continued. Am I being naive? Seems bizarre that someone so used to fishing his opinion out gets so het up when it's done to him.
Fall out with him, tell dsis you are there if she needs you but you won't tolerate bil any longer.
He sounds like an entitled man-child. Didn't even thank you for minding his kids!
The arrogance of your cokehead BIL would try the patience of a saint and you've been considerably more than magnaminous.
If the Facebook message is one that can be seen by others I'd be sorely tempted to respond on the lines of 'Sort your coke addiction before communicating any further with me', but as it is I suggest you follow Aussiemum's sound advice and fall out with the drug addled arsehole while telling dsis you'll be there for her when she comes to her senses and wants to get shot of him.
Tbh I'd leave the pair of them to it.
How long do you think before they are wanting to be back in your life for favours?
Your sister is just as bad as him if you haven't realized. He's an arse but so is she defending his behaviour. Leave them to it, if she wants to nc over something that you have wronged by then that's that. She'll come crawling one day when he's kicked her out.
Thank you both. The message was private and included my mum who wasnt even there! There is so much more to this which would take too long to go into. He had apparently taken umbridge as he thinks I called him an arrogant prick in front of his 4 year old. Although ab accurate description, I am pretty sure I didn't say that but may have as I have a long fuse but when it's gone, well, its gone. I know I told him to grow a pair. Not my finest moment and could have been handled better.
However, they often row in public and shout abuse at each other so believe me that 4 year old has heard worse. In fact they had a very public row in a restaurant with us all there in December after my BIL had a go at a waiter for getting the meal wrong and then continued to be rude after he rectified it.
I love my nephews and hate seeing them grow up with this spoilt brat of a man as a father. My sister has her faults as we all do but she is a million times better than him.
DH says I shouldn't have said anything and if I had kept quiet this wouldn't have happened. I say if BIL hadnt behaved in such a poor manner then I wouldn't have had a go at him. He is the root cause.
You looked after their DC for the weekend and dropped them off half way. I'd have been overwhelmed with gratitude and given you a gift not a load of abuse.
Maybe been off the faces all weekend and feeling grim.
Let your sister know you love her and her boys and let them get on with it.
Yes I did get a heap of abuse but I dished out too.
Wow I hope your dh was a bit more supportive then that op, your sister going nc is probably a blessing , but will only last as long as they need the kids baby sitting again I suspect.
Don't take the blame for this, he's a prick she knows it and enables it, leave em to it, let your mum deal with them.
Why was the bedding a problem?
And it's now at your house or you just walked off & went home & left them to it?
If you sister has made the decision to cut you out then you really can't do anything.
You let her know that you want to stay in touch by sending this " it seems a stupid thing to fall out about and let's sleep on it. ", so I think that you have to leave herto it.
Your Sister and BIL sound like a right pair but you already know this. What you don't appear to understand, is that you have a choice here and not exercising that choice, is a choice. There's a payoff for repeatedly putting yourself out for a person who doesn't respect you and if you want to break this cycle, then you need to figure it out.
Thanks again. Definitely true what you say Ishetan
The bedding is at my house. They bought it on Friday in one of those big plastic storage boxes, it's 3 blow up beds, a pump and sleeping bags. I had got it on a trolley which meant everything was eye height and then precariously walked to the airport from the car park with 4 children in tow, including the 4 year old who thinks it's great fun to run off at every opportunity. I had no choice but to bring it home and I planned on returning it in the Feb half term. They only need it for camping in the summer.
I am definitely going to leave her to it. As I say there is much more to this, not least that this was for her 40th birthday and it transpired I have spent the last two years thinking she had gone halves with my mum on some jewellery when in fact she hadn't which meant she bought me nothing. They turned up here on Friday at 11 empty handed and gave me a bloody fridge magnet for my troubles. I know you shouldn't expect things but if it were reversed and she was having my 2 older and much easier kids I would have turned up with a load of food for the coming weekend and given her a bottle of bubbly to say thanks at the very least.
DH just thinks they are stupid and when dealing with stupid people , you don't respond as there is no point. I am disappointed in him but see his point. But ultimately, I felt mugged off for all the above reasons and then my BIL dealt the final blow. Good luck to her, he is an excuse of a man.
Just to be clear, as the bedding was in a box rather than a bag they couldn't take it on the bs and carry it to the car as they parked off site. I did say I thoyfht they woukd have luggage trolleys but BIL had stripped off by then.
Well tbh I think that you can expect thanks & no insults/strops-especially from the adults!!
Your bil is a pig and you were right not to let him get away with speaking to you like that. I have to say that I think your sister is just as bad. She is actively choosing to allow her kids to be brought up in a house with an abusive coke addict.
Am I the only one that thinks that the dsis may be in an abusive relationship? He has all of the hallmarks of an abuser ( treating staff like crap, belittling dsis and you, short temper, manipulating stories) and it would explain why your dsis has gone nc.
Has her personality changed since she's been with him? Any unexplained injurys?
I'd message her letting her know you are there for her when she wants to talk but you will not accept her dp's behaviour. She needs to understand its wrong and not let him minimise it.
Yep i am certain he is abusive. Not physically but certaiblly financially and emotionally. She is a shadow of her former self in terms of now bring such a walkover, whereas she used to be so strong. In fact I had pointed this out to her recently and that's what triggerred her telling him she wanted to leave. They are trying to work things out but it seems fruitless to me.
I don't at all blame you for losing your temper - you are only human after all.
I think going NC will be to your advantage not theirs - they seem to need you more than you need them and I would bet they will soon be back like the proverbial bad penny asking for favours.
Perhaps you could as someone has already suggested tell your sister that you are there for her and your nephews if they need you, but will have no further contact with BiL. Perhaps you could even say that you will help when (not if) she is ready to leave him as he is abusive.
Ha was just about to put - bet they will want you before you want them but see Kait got therev1st -
As PPs say I would let your sister know - ideally in person - that you will be there for her if she needs you, whatever she decides about her relationship.
I wouldn't do anything, however, to facilitate the relationship (eg looking aftet the DC).
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