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Does fiance appear to be rude with way he said things?

(170 Posts)
lijana Mon 18-Jan-16 00:26:28

My fiance mentioned that the mousetrap we had was not working as food was being placed on the mousetrap and being taken by the mouse without the trap doing a thing.

My dad (whose english is not the best but can conversationally speak) whom we live with mentioned that he will go to the hardware store immediately to get some mousetraps. My mum asked my fiance to go with my dad. Then my fiance said in a blunt tone 'do we need two people to go?'
My mum insisted that they both go, so my dad walks out the front door with my fiance. My fiance then says he can go by himself when they are outside the house.
My dad then gives him $20 to buy the trap which he declines at first but my dad insists he take it.

My fiance buys 4 mouse traps, we set it up with food and in the morning the food is gone and none of them worked.

My dad in the morning, says to me in a hurt way, that he felt it strange that my fiance insisted on going himself. He felt the way my fiance said 'do we need two people to go?' was rude and felt that my fiance was avoiding going with him for some reason or found my dad annoying. He thinks that my fiance could have said things differently, e.g. say it in the following way 'its easier for me to go alone on the motorbike, or you don't have to waste your time to go I can go and as I know what to look for you can save your time.' One of the reasons my mum asked my dad to go with my fiance was because my dad's english is not good and she thinks two ppl can make better decision than one person.
My fiance is the type of person who does not like teamwork (he has said this specifically to me). He prefers to do things on his own without the help or aid of others unless he really really has to. Once he had a problem with his train card and he was trying to figure out himself for a while when I told him he could just call the call centre they set up for the card to ask them to solve his problem. His reaction was he wanted to solve himself as much as possible first before he calls up, he eventually however had to call them.

I too find it uncomfortable that my fiance said this in this way 'do we need two people to go'??. Regardless of my dad's feelings, if I was the one going with him to the store, I too would feel it is a rude comment. If he had said things in another more polite manner, I may have felt differently.

The above appears to be a small issue, however when certain tones of voice are used which are questioning and sounding annoyed, people's feelings get hurt or they start to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

My question is, what should I do specifically in this situation? I have talked to my dad and told him about my fiance's manner that it was not meant to deliberately hurt him and that he is the type of person who likes to do things himself. My dad feels there is something wrong there in this aspect with him.. from my opinion, although I try to empathise with my fiance as much as possible, I also feel this is an element of his personality that ultimately distances himself from others and also could affect his relations in job, friendwise and other fields not just with me.

I feel like I need to either tell him in person, who ask him through text during the day when we are not together the following question : 'What is the rationale behind why you wanted to go to the hardware store alone?'
Do you think this is a reasonable question to ask or am I being too nit picky in this instance and should just leave it alone and not 'stir the pot'?

Blu Mon 18-Jan-16 00:50:06

Get some poison.
For the mice .

RudeElf Mon 18-Jan-16 01:02:08

OP you seriously need to end this relationship. You two are on completely different pages. You are misinterpretting everything he says. Tiny little things are being blown up and massively over analysed. Tbh, i'm not sure you are in the right place for a relationship.

pinkyredrose Mon 18-Jan-16 01:04:23

Jeez talk about reading too much into it! He wanted to go alone, don't see the problem. He was right, why does it take two people to get mousetraps? I would've said what he said too. He saved your dad a job didn't he?

I am rather tired so maybe I'm missing something .

BaronessBomburst Mon 18-Jan-16 01:05:20

Is your fiancé the one who dissected a dead mouse to see if it was pregnant?

LineyReborn Mon 18-Jan-16 01:05:36

Well it's the old old mousetrap conundrum, isn't it. I would tell him in person.

BaronessBomburst Mon 18-Jan-16 01:06:25

In which case, I totally agree with RudeElf.

springydaffs Mon 18-Jan-16 01:07:08

Bit of a cultural thing going on here I think.

Regardless, he doesn't get to talk to your dad in that way - irritably, if it was irritable. It may be his way but he needs to modify his way around your dad/parents.

He's going to marry someone whose parents come from a different culture so he has to learn the ways of that culture - which in this case is to be very respectful to his fiancée's parents and not say things in a blunt way.

Likewise, you need to learn about your fiancé's cultural ways. Because you're going to get an awful lot more of things like this that are going to be much more important as things/marriage gets much more erm complicated.

RudeElf Mon 18-Jan-16 01:07:25

Yes it is baroness. Same guy.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Jan-16 01:09:47

You again ?

Strange person

RudeElf Mon 18-Jan-16 01:10:31

I would love to be witness to an ordinary conversation between OP and anyone her fiance to see what hoops he has to jump through in order to avoid the 3rd degree over his rationale or tone or manner.

DancingDinosaur Mon 18-Jan-16 01:39:09

How many people does it take to buy a mousetrap?

Answer: one

I dont think your fiancé was rude.

lijana Mon 18-Jan-16 04:38:12

I am actually a person who appears to be able to get along with most people. I am quite easy going and laid back actually and often do not pursue or let things go most of the time. However when you are pushed to the limit by someone, whose manner and tone of voice is impolite and irritable, thats another thing. So it is quite interesting 'rudeelf' would say that she would love to be a witness to an ordinary conversation between me and anyone because I'll definitely give others a 3rd degree. To be honest, its usually my fiance who gives others the 3rd degree and not me.

The main thing is not necessarily what he said but how he said it. Humans communicate non-verbally through tone and body language not just through the words. If the tone of what you say sounds irritable, annoyed and contrarian in nature, even though the content of what you say may have some logic, most people would feel uncomfortable, whether its me or others.
Others would think what is your thinking behind why you are saying the way you are saying it. When you sound irritable, others will think you are either annoyed at them or dont really want to associate with them.

If you spoke with someone who said things in a contrarian way from time to time, and with an irritable tone, particularly when your intentions are all good and you have been extremely accommodating to that person (as me and my family have been), wouldn't you feel upset? Wouldn't this person make you feel uncomfortable?

Joysmum Mon 18-Jan-16 04:40:03

Oh fgs how many more times, you don't understand your DP, or if you do you want to change him.

You're not right for each other. Stop putting yourselves through this. You already resent him and you've got a lifetime ahead of you for this to continue to get worse. This has got car crash written all over it sad

lijana Mon 18-Jan-16 05:09:51

One thing that he has said to me is that 'he has always felt different to others'. What my concern is does anyone understand him? He says he finds it hard to make friends. He literally does not have any friends, he doesnt go up to people and have conversation e.g. small talk etc to make friends. He thinks it to be pointless. Only people who continue to talk to him, without him necessarily reciprocating much are his 'friends', e.g. one guy at work keeps giving my fiance presents..on his desk, etc, my fiance doesnt really want to make friends with him, my fiance said it makes him respect the guy less as he keeps 'trying to lick his ass'..
Thats why I wanted to figure out if he has aspergers. If he has it I feel like I can be much more understanding, rather than think he could be a jerk.

wannabestressfree Mon 18-Jan-16 05:24:43

You just don't get it do you?.....

lijana Mon 18-Jan-16 05:26:24

That he is a jerk? Do people on here think he is a jerk?

Baconyum Mon 18-Jan-16 05:34:54

Omg! You are massively over analysing this. I totally would have said the same thing (and possibly irritably too if you and your dad are always like this!)

I think your fiancé is a quiet independant introverted person (nothing wrong with that) and you are not suited. You seem to need someone more affectionate and outgoing and very sensitive to others needs and feelings.

Out of curiosity where are you from?

lijana Mon 18-Jan-16 05:47:03

If every person on here thinks he is a jerk, I may understand that we are not well suited..
However many people appear to find his behaviour normal, which makes me think I need to change (which is okay for me, I'm a flexible person).
If I truly dont love him or respect him, I would have dumped him long time ago.
I am myself a quiet and introverted person too, so its not that I dont understand shyness, however I think with him it is more than shyness..there is some disconnect there of him and other people.
I am Chinese but grew up in Sydney.

lijana Mon 18-Jan-16 05:49:40

Once we went on a hot air balloon ride, the operator of the hot air balloon who did not know my fiance and only talked to him briefly, said the following thing to my fiance : 'hey, you need to stop analyzing..' just as a passing comment.
My fiance had not said anything to instigate the guy to respond with this, it was just the guy's intuition and he said it to my fiance. I feel that the guy felt my fiance was a bit different..

MistressDeeCee Mon 18-Jan-16 05:59:42

You've posted about him before haven't you? He sounds tiring. If he wants to do everything alone or mull over, dissect, over-analyze every little thing then thats his way isn't it. I couldn't stand it personally. But if you already know he is like that then why do you think you can change him, more to the point whats with the various MN threads? I don't get it. But if you just post as you can't talk to him and fancy venting then, I do get it.

I don't believe fore a moment the hot air balloon operator asked your OH to stop over-analyzing apropos of nothing. It'd have been what he said to the operator that started it, and I believe you know that

Just saw what a poster said about him dissecting a mouse to see if it was pregnant! erm... confused

Catpants123 Mon 18-Jan-16 06:00:54

Not mouse man again!

Based on this alone I see nothing wrong with what your fiancé said and agree with him entirely that it didn't need two people.

JohnLuther Mon 18-Jan-16 06:29:56

He's not a jerk, you are OP.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Mon 18-Jan-16 06:36:28

I hope they are humane traps.

Aside from that, this poor chap! I'm not surprised he wants to do things on his own. Firstly because, it really does only take one adult to go to the shop to buy 4small mousetraps and secondly because you all sound incredibly hard work!

I don't believe that hot air balloon story. What? you think he sensed your partner was a 'bit different' and out of no where told him to stop analysing?

You are coming across as the odd one here. Not your fiance. I don't think he sounds like a jerk. He sounds like a man who is in a relationship with someone who wants him to be someone else.

If you really are pushed to the limit, end this relationship.

wannabestressfree Mon 18-Jan-16 06:38:45

He is not the man for you.... You don't get it because you are trying to mold or label a man who needs neither. You come across as the 'jerk'.
Ffs put the poor bloke out of his misery and find another victim....

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