Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

[Hushabyemountain98]

Sorry it should say out loud!!

[BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep]

of course it is hard. it will continue to be hard for a good while yet, but, you will get through it. go easy on yourself in the mean time. and crying will help.

gradually you will notice you have managed not to think about it for a few minutes, then an hour or so , then even days, but in the mean time take all the support you can get.

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep for your reply.
Some days I deal with it better than others. Just when I think I am making better the black cloud depends over me again x

[dottycat123]

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you, remember you are a good person and didn't deserve this. It will be hard and some days worse than others but you will survive.

[groovergirl]

What a horrible thing to happen. I am sorry it happened to you.

Give yourself permission to bawl, throw things around, drink too much wine, run around the block, whatever alleviates the anguish for now. You are lucky to have supportive family and friends. I wish I'd had those when I left my disgraceful XH.

All I can suggest, based on my experience as a new divorcee, is to get the divorce phase done with as quickly and efficiently as possible. Get his stuff out of the house. Ask a lawyer to get you a good property settlement, which after 30 years should be quite nice. Fill the void with good things that will enhance your new life. In my case, it was going back to university.

As the song said, Love Stinks! Frankly, in many cases, it is not worth the effort we ladies expend on it.

Hugs to you.

[cupcakesandwine]

It is still really new to you and to be honest when I look back on the first six months after my exH left for another woman (also after a 30 year relationship) it is all a blur of pain and confusion.

I think all you can do at this point is keep plodding on one day at a time and believe that it will get better. I promise, it really does and the you which grows out of the rubble of your old life is more "you" than ever before because most women tend to put themselves last in relationships.

Once the dust has settled you will not want your old life back. You will be stronger and happier than before and you will know that you can deal with any shit which life throws your way and come out on top. You know that saying about being forged in fire? That's you and you are going through the fire now and it hurts, but the new you who emerges will be a shining sword.

Take your time and plan a lot of small things which help in various ways. A lovely bath, a trip to somewhere with a friend, a DVD from the library. It doesn't really matter what they are as long as they are boosts for you. Ideally one every day, but a minimum of three a week. Three things I found massively helpful were: exercise (because all that adrenaline and cortisol has to go somewhere and it is far better to burn it off through exercise), having a massage and talking to a counsellor - someone non-judgmental who is there just for you.

And start to plan for the longer term too. This is actually a great opportunity to lead your life how you wish and to spend your time doing the things you want to do and have the hobbies you like. I made some massive changes in my life and I'm still making them. It's fabulous!

Good luck for your journey. Lots of us on the relationships board have been where you are now and there is always support here.

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you for your message dottycat123.
You are dead right it is really hard. But I have to try and believe that I will survive!x

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you groovergirl for your message.
I am sorry that you have had to go through this too. It sounds as though you have come through it though!
Thanks for the advice and support X

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you cupcakesandwine for your message. I am sorry that you had to go through this too. It sounds as though you got through it!
Thank you for your advice. It means a lot. I will give some of your suggestions a try x

[Allofaflumble]

I have no words of wisdom for you only that you will have a lot of emotions to deal with. You must feel devastated after being married for so long to the same man.

My heart goes out to you. Please, just love yourself as much as you can while time passes.

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you Allofaflumble for your kind words.
I am devastated and at the moment I cannot see a way forward. But I think I have to take one day at a time x

[Hushabyemountain98]

Sitting here feeling so miserable. Knowing that he is still with her and I am all alone. it is unbearable!

[cupcakesandwine]

I know it is really hard, but you need to work on training yourself so that when you catch yourself dwelling on things you think briskly "right, time to think of something else, this is doing me no good"

It takes time but it gets easier. That said, we all have times when we feel sad so don't beat yourself up over it.

Maybe time to plan a list of alternatives for when you feel yourself starting to think about it? Learning a new language is a good one as you can't think of anything else whilst you are concentrating on it. Choose one for a country where you want to go on holiday :)

[elizalovelace]

For you.

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you cupcakesandwine for your advice.
I know what you are saying but it is so difficult especially when you are totally alone.
I do like languages so that is an idea x

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you elizalovelace x

[hownottofuckup]

God I feel for you.

It's a shitty shitty place to be. How long ago did it happen? Any chance of having some counselling?

I found what helped me (apart from and I'm not sure that really helps) was talking and reading.

So, feel free to spout on here and find some good books. It transports you else where and gives you a bit of rest from the constant monologue in your head.

It's hard, but you will get through it.

[LaPharisienne]

for you xxx

[ChoclolateOrange]

I'm glad you've started another thread "Hushabye*.

Here is a list of things I did that helped when I was at your stage in no particular order.

Phone friends.

Have coffee with friends.

Phone the Samaritans. This worked one night when I just had to talk to someone at 3 in the morning or I would have gone mad. They were brilliant and I slept like a log afterwards.

Start going to a yoga class. Choose carefully, you want one with plenty of meditation. It was my calmest night of the week and I always slept well afterwards.

Go for counselling.

Go for hypnotherapy (fantastic for starting to sleep again),
Have a day out or meal out with your family. (I wont say more but remember what you said from previous thread.)

Go to the gym. I found this great in the evening when I needed to just do something and always felt better afterwards.

Make a plan to do something nice and different to what you did with STBX. What have you never done because he didnt want to? For me this was skiing and visiting friends he didnt like.

Finally, on a really bad day, I used to say to myself Tomorrow Will Be Better and it often was.

You will be ok. Really you will. It just takes time. Go slowly. Be kind to yourself.

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you hownottofuckup for your advice.
It all came to a head just before Christmas but I knew well before then.
I had counselling before some years ago.
I used to read a lot but have not done for some years. Will have to get back into it again! X

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you LaPharisienne x

[Klaptout]

I feel for you, it's early days yet and you are bound to feel a mixture of emotions, this might be every hour. But it won't always be like this, thou it's hard to see that right now.
Getting through the days and are enough for now, eating is a bonus.
Keep on typing.
It's hard to understand and make sense of it all, try and take care of yourself, let others support you.

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you ChoclolateOrange for your continued help.
I have made a mental note of your suggestions.
I will try anything to stop feeling like this.
I am sorry that you had to go through it too.
It sounds as though you came out the other side?
xx

[Hushabyemountain98]

Thank you Klaptout for your advice.
I am trying to eat small things, as I was not eating at all.
Everyone seems to think that I will get through this which is hard to believe as things seem pretty dark right now.
I have had great support though.
xx

[ChoclolateOrange]

Oh yes, I most certainly came out the other side. I am really happy now, very much happier than I was for many years with exh. I love being single now and I never thought I would even get used to it, never mind like or love it.

I've got new friends, new interests, a new job, a new house a very long way from the family one, and had a relationship that didn't work out which was sad. I now have a very happy relationship after saying no more men. This one suits me well, as he likes being single too (and indeed has never been married.) I didnt even look for a man; one I already knew and the other I came across in very mundane circumstances!

I never imagined any of this when I was at your stage, and wouldnt have believed it would happen. I am not saying it has been easy. I had some terrible jobs which did my self confidence no good at all for example. The worst remnant is that ex Twunt has nothing to do with his grown up DC. As they are adults now I don't go there. It is up to them, and not for me to manage it but it is still sad and obviously it would have been much better for them for me to remain happily married but that was not to be.

Hope that it helps for you to see it can happen. I used to read other peoples threads on their "journey" for want of a better word. There was a poster called Wisey who was particularly inspiring as well as a lady who was in Australia whose name I cant remember. Hope they might read your thread and post. They were a lot more articulate than me.

Hope today is better.