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11 years of marriage over?

(23 Posts)
chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 18:21:03

DH and I have been married over 11 years. He went back home to Turkey around 10 days ago to see his family and new baby niece. I knew something was wrong when it was always me initiating contact.

He has just text to say that he is contemplating not coming home. He said that he is unhappy, that he has sacrificed so much for me and that the kids and I take him
for granted. He said he looks at his friends marriages and they are all so happy.

He says all I ever do is complain about losing my parents and looking after the kids. I will admit- I find it very bloody hard at times. DS 8 and DDs 7 and 5 can be a handful when you don't have a single relative who you can call on for help. I lost my Dad when I was 16 and my Mum when I was 23 and I can feel very lonely at times, but I certainly try my damn hardest to pull through and live with a DH who can be hard work himself at times.

He says I don't pay him enough attention and I don't care. He does everything to make me happy and he doesn't feel the same. He is a fantastic husband but I am not a bionic woman and I can only do so much.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? His messages were typed in a way that made me think he had been drinking although I can't be sure. I now have 3 kids to see to, a marriage hanging in the balance and not a single person I can open up to it about. I have sat and stared at my telephone for the past hour because I just don't know what to do sad

originalmavis Sun 17-Jan-16 18:23:16

You need a face to face with him. He sounds down and the grass is always greener isn't it? Did you contact him back?

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Jan-16 18:26:05

How can a five year old take him for granted?

chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 18:26:23

Yes- I asked him if he meant it was over to which he replied 'er yes, look at the question you've asked- this is exactly what I'm talking about'.

I told him that I was slightly in shock and didn't really know what to say. He said he didn't either.

I have left it at that because quite honestly, I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

Msqueen33 Sun 17-Jan-16 18:27:00

You poor thing. My husband is slightly similar feels he does a lot and that I don't care but we've got three kids (6,5,3) both the youngest two have autism and I'm forever organising meetings for them, going to meetings and generally trying to control a very hard household. He doesn't get this. That I don't have anything left to give at the end of the day. He owes it to you and your children to come home and talk it over with you and not just abandon you without a proper chat.

chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 18:28:30

I'm not entirely sure. He is a strict but fair father and worships the ground they walk on but I felt somethings building inside him for a while now. I thought he was just homesicksad

mum2mum99 Sun 17-Jan-16 18:29:10

What kind of husband is he? Do you share the housework and looking after the children in a fairly equal way?
Or is he a mummy's boy who see men in Turkey being 'Waited on' by their wives?

chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 18:30:49

He cooks every evening for us all and will look after the kids when I go to college. I don't have much of a social life because I'm a home girl at heart.

His mum will take my side in any disagreement we have and will let him know when he is being a prat.

I haven't spoken to them just yet- I'm still in shock.

mum2mum99 Sun 17-Jan-16 18:36:38

Sounds like you were happy with your marriage. Sounds devastating chin flowers.
All you can do is to let him know that he is still wanted here.

However a relationship takes 2. If one wants out, it is over regardless of how the other feels.

As being Turkish you need to issue a residence order ASAP to prevent him from taking the children back there at some stage.

chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 18:58:42

We bought a house in summer and he was mega stressed with the work and expense.

I have got in touch with a friend of his over here who said that I shouldn't take it to heart and that he was really stressed out with things over here and he will see sense soon.

Maybe he's right, I just don't know. He told me to give him some space so he can clear his head. How do I function in the mean time sad

Inexperiencedchick Sun 17-Jan-16 19:37:40

Maybe give him some time to think everything thorough.

He probably saw the relationship between husbands and wives in Turkey, how husbands are appreciated and served at the little noise.
Usually wives do cooking, and he is probably self pitting himself...

Hopefully his friend is right and he will come back to his normal...

I'm sorry you are going through this, please be strong flowers

N3wYear2016 Sun 17-Jan-16 21:01:38

He could not tell you this before he went to Turkey ?

He is a coward

chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 21:59:01

Things have been a little tense for a while but I presumed it was home sickness. I knew he was stressed but I genuinely didn't think it was anything to do with the marriage- more a case of him missing family etc.

He is bound to feel different being there- family on every street, the same amount of friends too, all childhood friends who know him inside out. Here we have nobody, but because of the education system, DS needing Physio and other intervention etc we decided staying here was the right thing to do and so he knew the sacrifices.

He has been drinking a lot over there, and last night when his mum phoned, he was even drinking in front of his parents- something he never usually does as a sign of respect.

Do I write an email to him telling him how I feel at the risk of having more thrown back at me? Do I keep quiet and give him some space? How am I supposed to play this, look after the kids and the business, look after myself and keep sane?

TPel Sun 17-Jan-16 22:05:17

I would let things die down for a day. Don't contact him. Think about what you want.

If he does come home under pressure from you and his mother, do you think it will be successful? Will you be happy watching and waiting for another hissy fit?

chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 22:18:25

I think the huge problem overall is that he feels like he is missing out so much on life with his family and friends by being here. I'm not overly keen on being here too as like him, I have no family. However, I have told him time and again that I would be more than happy to move, so would the children, but he knows we can earn more by being here and along with the education/health side of things, a move has never materialised.

I'm hurt that he doesn't understand how lonely I can be. My mum died when DS was just 3 months old and he spent 6 weeks of that in SCBU after being born 29+5. Although it was in 2007, I had to grieve for the loss of my Mum and as the GP said, the loss of the expected experience of birth and having a newborn. I have brought three children up almost single handedly whilst he worked and I was a SAHM. I didn't have a mum or Aunt or anybody close I could call when I needed to offload. I didn't offload to him as he was the main bread winner and had his own issues with work/no family etc.

We run a coffee shop and now all the DC are at school, we generally work together and so share the load. I recently started college- a course that DH was all for me doing, so no negative vibes there. He cooks every evening, helps out with breakfasts at the weekend and we generally try to eat out one day a fortnight as a family treat.

Money has been a tad tight with work being slow because of the time of year and a lot of expense still being paid off after moving. However, it had all started to pan out nicely before he left and so that was one last thing to be stressing over.

He looks after the finances in the house because I just don't have the knack of planning, saving, allocating etc. It has been a mega headache trying to make ends meet, but we cut back and got back on track.

I just don't know how much of this is the stress and strain of being away from his 'home' and family, and work/money, and how much of it is me. His friend reckons I shouldn't take it to heart, but when he tells me that 'he shouldn't have to listen to me moaning and complaining because I don't have parents, that he's done all he can as a husband and feels like I don't care' I can't help but think he means every word.

CheerfulYank Sun 17-Jan-16 22:19:45

Oh no sad I'm sorry. I don't have any good advice but I'd let it die down a bit too

chinchiii Sun 17-Jan-16 23:10:17


1DAD2KIDS Mon 18-Jan-16 07:20:19

I know things are super tough at the moment. It sounds like he is stressed and feels that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders (and of course you do too). Men can often feel loney and crushed by the resonsiblity of be the man of the house. Especially if he sorts all the financial stuff too. We sometimes forget to open up to our other half and express our stress and pressure. If you want him to come home you need to try and keep it together and not appear that you and kids are a burden. I am sorry if that sounds a little harsh and of course I know your not. It sounds like he is tired and of course you are to. It sounds like unfortunately he has been letting this stuff build up inside. He needs to see positivity not negativity to encourage him back. By the way I know this is not your fault but some people are stronger than others. So if you have the strength to stay positive for him I think that would help. You need lots of emotional support too. I feel for both of you and hope you can pull through. Take care.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 18-Jan-16 07:23:54

If you can stay confident and don't pressure him. It will only enforce his reasons for leaving. He need to see positivity.

chinchiii Mon 18-Jan-16 18:16:15

Just spoken to his Mum who had no idea and told me to ignore him. She said he is full of c**p grin
She is told me to be calm and patience and he will realise he is talking bull.
She is an amazing woman and told me that she goes through the same tripe with her husband.
Turned out he had been drinking- with his Dad and she was livid at them both.
I messaged him this morning saying how we need to be there surrounding by friends and family etc. That we have stuck with each other through bad times such as bereavement and that we are stronger than this. He didn't reply, but I didn't really expect one.
Glad the MIL knows now. If anyone can get to the bottom of it, she can

originalmavis Mon 18-Jan-16 18:34:49

Your mil sounds aces. Hope hubby calms down soon. I suspect it's been nice for him getting away from the day to day stresses and commitments and back to mummy and daddy. If my parents were still around there are lots of times I could have just run up there and hid away quite happily!

He will soon be climbing the walls.

MiddleClassProblem Mon 18-Jan-16 18:41:02

I think you need to say to him that you knew he seemed down but this has come out of nowhere and knowing what the issues are now you can work on them

chinchiii Mon 18-Jan-16 19:01:05

Exactly originalmavis

He doesn't have to worry about a thing whilst he's away and whilst I don't have issue with him being away- it was very unfair of what he did and how he did it.

Everything is cushy at the moment but there will be a point where he will get bored. Thankfully she has reassured me and although I do feel slightly better, I am still hurt. Drunken talk or not, I thought all was ok when things clearly weren't. I try my best, but I am not bionic woman. I am not physically tired, but mentally drained at times. Of course, he doesn't/can't see this and expects everything to be a bed of roses confused

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