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Going no contact with ex - advice ?(64 Posts)
I left my ex a year ago. He was abusive in the relationship and badly assaulted me in front of dc after it. He is now on a perpetuators course and hasn't been violent since, but his verbal and emotional abuse is steadily escalating again. I've had a lightbulb moment where I realise I am still in this cycle of abuse. in fact it's been so bad the last few days i would say that mentally I am right back in the place I was when he lived with me.
I am going to send him an email tonight saying this - just wanted advice on whether this was a good plan?
The current situation is unmaneageable for me and the dc. dd has anxiety problems at night which stem from her anxiety over seeing you react when you are in contact with me when she is with you.
Therefore, I wish to proceed with divorce asap to sort out our joint assets (house) and I also wish to now have no contact with you, save for essential contact by email only over the dc.
I will no longer answer any texts or phone calls from you. I will not read or reply to any emails that are not solely about the dc. Your phone calls to dc can be at xx time. You are no longer to come in the house at handover time, this must be done at the door and if I carry on being upset by these they will have to be done via a third party. These are the times you have the dc xx and xx we can arrange these more formally as part of the divorce.
It's very unlike me to be so hard but I feel it's about time I laid out some firm boundaries.
More to the point - will this work? Will it rescue me from incessant bullying and abuse or is this my life until dc are grown?
I can;t afford a divorce but I figure I can get a cheap loan and then repay on settlement? I just can't take another day of this anymore. he came in today and was vile as I had;t washed up so gave him a chipped mug!! Said it showed everything about my respect for him. FFS.
I think it's good. I'd change 'if I continue to be upset...' to 'if you continue to behave unpleasantly'. Sorry, answering in a rush as people coming over, but yes, seems a good plan. You need to take every step possible to protect yourself from him.
And why the hell should you have any respect for a man who assaults you in front of your children?
No, don't send that note. If you break down and lapse on the nc in future it'll just be one more thing for him to smirk about and will make you look weak.
Just DO it. Do not respond except for essential child-related matters. Meet him at the door with the children ready to go. Do not serve tea. Be calm and businesslike.
How many kids are there? Do you have family who can help?
Abusers tend to really up the pressure if they realize that they are being rejected. The safest/easiest way is to just kind of 'fade' from their radar.
So - don't sent an email. However reasonable you're being (and you're not being hard, in fact that's a pretty generous arrangement for an abuser to get) the email will get a reaction that will be shit for you. you've made a decision, but you don't have any obligation to share that info with him.
Just answer the phone less, be evasive, have DD ready and at the door (and depending on her age, talk her through how it's easier to do it this way, people won't be upset), wait a day or two before answering an email, don't respond to texts etc.
Then - if/when he says you're not responding to him, be vague. "Oh, I've been busy. I make sure any important emails get answered, that's OK' etc.
I don't live in the UK, but there's another poster atm who has a solicitor who wants a few hundred pounds to secure their services, then will take fees out of the final settlement. Would that work for you?
Also - I assume that you have evidence of the violence. Keep any/all emails and texts which are even slightly threatening. If you have suffered abuse you can still get legal aid for a divorce, although (again, based on mn info) it isn't always easy to secure.
Yes i can see that the email will make me in a more risky situation. The problem is, he just waltzes in the house whenever he wants to. I need to actually tell him I don't want him to come in the house any more. Maybe I could just email him that. He has to stick it to as I have a non mol which I have foolishly let slip, but if i say i want to stick to it now then I presume he has to concede. He used to just come into for a second or two but I've noticed recenlty he's been making a point of coming in taking his coat off and making himself a cuppa etc. I'm sure it's just to wind me up.
And leave the no contact stuff (i.e. just do that bit).
Please don't push his access to the children?! Let him do all the running on this.
The least amount of contact a child has with an abuser the better.
Protect your children from this bad person. If you can't handle him and his abuse, how on earth can a child?
Abusers hurt the children (psychologically and physically) to hurt their former victim.
Just stop communicating with him and if you have to say something, remind him that he is to treat you with respect or you won't communicate with him at all.
I have evidence of the violence, he has a caution etc. But from what i can see the legal aid isn't specifically for divorce costs?
Wtf! Stop letting him into your house!!!
You had a non mol and you're not putting protection in place for you and your kids? You're sleepwalking into a disaster here.
Double lock the door. Stop letting him in, change the locks.
Your non mol will serve you well in this, you have a right to make yourself safe.
Get yourself a free hour with solicitors and get to know what you can and can't do. This is you prime concern here.
But I have to tell him to stop coming in, otherwise we'll end up in a barney on the doorstep. Just a one line email saying I want to revert to terms of the non mol?
I also want to proceed with a divorce, which he actually said he wanted a few weeks ago, and then spent a week begging me to come back and telling me i was ruining dc lives. So now he's back into nasty cycle. I want to tell him I'm going to proceed, but i won't do that until Ive done the forms/got advice/filed them. I don't see the point of just springing it on him, what if the forms turned up while he had dc. I know he's going to play very very dirty on the divorce, he wants most of the money etc etc. I'm pretty sure we'll end up in court. But so be it. I'm ready now. He thinks I don't; want to sell the house , so Ill never do it, but all the abuse happened here and Im ready to move on.
Do your doors not lock? If that is a problem, get it seen to immediately! Even if you just put a hook-and-eye arrangement on the interior yourself.
He cannot just "waltz in." You are letting him in by your inaction, sorry to say. Same with the non molestation order.
You really need to take control of this situation. Writing an e-mail attempting to reason with him about boundaries etc. is not going to make an iota of difference and may make things worse. You MUST get outside help, advice etc. for the sake of your children.
You have a non-mol? What does it say?
If you let it lapse then the police may refuse to help you.
So - 1. email. Say that recently he has been entering the house when the non-mol makes it clear he shouldn't That from now on handovers will be at the entrance to the property (in the street if need be, NOT on the doorstep. If you have a front garden, then he stops at the gate).
And you NEED to stick to that. Call the police, have them on speed-dial, change your locks, wait for him the street. Whatever it takes, keep him away from your house. Does he even want/need to see the children or is this just to get at you?
Don't discuss anything else. Don't warn him of your intentions. If he even tries to step inside he is breaking the law and you are 100% entitled to have him arrested. You don't even have to email him, except that because you've let him in before, he could argue that he thought it was OK. So, 1 email to make it clear that it isn't and you really do need to stick to it.
It is clear that he has made you doubt yourself so much that you are completely letting him get away with whatever he wants. And given his history of violence, he could even get away with murder - literally. Do you want your kids to see that? To be brought up by him?
Promise yourself ONE thing - he will not enter your house again.
Oh - and there is almost nothing that you have any obligation to tell him, in fact, it is your duty as a caring parent NOT to tell him things, to protect your DC.
So 1. Tell him to stay out of your house. 2. Anything of medical importance for care of the DC.
He can get a solicitors letter in the post, that's all the info he needs about a divorce. He need never contact you directly again.
I think I've allowed myself in the last few months to get back fully into the abusive cycle. So he's nice, I pretend he's a decent person and we can co parent sensibly, then he's horrid. And what's happened is that each subsequent cycle he's got away with it so he ramps it up more each time. And that's why mentally I've suddenly realised I am right back at square 1. I don't know why I find this so difficult to break. The only way is going to be complete no contact.
I will email him tonight saying that I don't want him to come in the house at all anymore as per non mol. The non mol says he can only by prior arrangement when I am not here. And I will leave it at that. Presumably if I say I don't want him in my house, and there has been past violence, the police can help me enforce that , even if the non mol is debatable as I have let it slip. He is terrified of the police so he won't break it though.
Then when I have filed the divorce petition , I will email him a one liner to give him notice that I have done that, so he can have all his hissy fits at a different time to when he has dc. I have a solicitor I want to use but I will go see a couple of free one hour ones this week to get some more free advice and to check the form. I'll fill in the petition this week and talk it through in my appointments.
He has said he will move back to his home area after a divorce, so I need to do all I can to make that happen asap!! Ive been terrified of the effect of moving house on my dd who has anxiety, but last night I realised her anxiety was all due to his interactions with me, and she will probably be in a better mental state if I can stop those, moving house isn't the long term issue for her mental health.
I was just going to file for divorce myself. Or is it better to fill in the forms myself but get the solicitor to write to him with them (or does the court just send them to him or can I get them to return to my solicitor so she can send them at an agreed time?). Just trying to keep down costs.
Today I stood there feeling absolutely weak as he came in the house, was late (I had to be somewhere), and very vile, and I hated myself.
Does he have a key to your house? If so get it back from him asap and if he doesn't and he's just opening the door and walking in: keep it locked!! Have the kids ready for when he gets there and just unlock the door and hand them over at he doorstep so he can't come in the house.
I don't think it's a good idea to send the email as you might make him angry and make your situation worse. I would just put into play everything you have said in the email. Don't respond to his text messages etc unless it's about children. This is only what I'd do so obviously it's whatever you feel is best. Good luck with it all.
From what you describe, it sounds like you would be wasting your time emailing him requests to not enter your home or anything that might make your life easier. You are appealing to his better nature, trouble is he hasn't one.
It is v distressing to hear how much anxiety your children are experiencing because of his behaviour.
Anything you ask of Him he will just do the opposite in order to anger you and to fuck with your mind
He sounds a right bastard.
I don't know if this is feasible to you. Would it be an option that you could manage pick up and drop.off of the dc at neutral point. Ie. A relatives home or as he has been violent at an agreed point through your solicitor.
Obviously this is not ideal, but I really think given his past record he will do nothing to help the situation. Push on with the divorce and once you get that finalised he won't be able to step inside your front door.
He sounds like really hard work.
I'd just state that due to other commitments you can'd do the pick up/drop off at home address and arrange to do this at a neutral public location (think motorway service station/retail park/supermarket car park/any other CCTV haven!!!!) and make this a habit. Obtain a sim card and a dirt cheep mobile phone, tell him that's your new number and if he needs to contact you re the children then that's the number he needs to text. Don't respond to anything that isn't a text about the children, but keep note of it as evidence. Finally get that divorce paperwork in order, especially in relation to who has the children and when. Keep doors and windows locked and don't waiver from the new arrangements. All I'd say in the e-mail is how the arrangements will take place, no reasoning behind them/no emotion as he's not got a better nature to appeal to.
How old are dc?
How far away does he live?
I would drop dc at his - stops him coming in being nosey and trying to make himself at home.
Do this for a couple of visits then after that be going out and ready to leave each time he calls.
Then just call the dc and stand in doorway
Doesn't he have a car to sit in?
Just to clairfy - I'm not suggesting to email about not coming in the house for his benefit, but your own. Then there is NO chance of a misunderstanding. You have written evidence that you wish to follow the non-mol, and that he is not to come into the house.
If he does so after that, and there's a non-mol in order, then he's breaking the law and the police can deal with it from then on. You just need to ring them and they can turn up. If he's afraid of being arrested, then that is likely to work. Even if he's suddenly gone before they turn up, you have a record of it.
And if he's intending to move away, then I'd bet 100% he doesn't really care about seeing the kids, but this is just his excuse to get into the house. Arranging to hand over somewhere else, or keeping him outside, will almost definitely mean that he stops bothering. Kids are time consuming and difficult, if he only wants contact to get at you, and that ceases, then they will cease to serve a purpose for him and he won't give a shit.
Well tonight's handover was much better. He started to walk in the house and I said, actually I'd prefer it if you didn;t come in. He was shocked, but he went. And I've had a stream of nice texts since (which I've ignored). DD told me off as a lot of her anxiety is about him being sad (he tells her how sad he is ), and I'm not sure if I did the right thing but I just said that he was often not nice to me when he came in, and that I thought it was better for everyone if we didn't see each other and talk so much, she then said she did hate it when he got cross with me and maybe that would be better. I said that he was fine was with her and she only saw him get upset when he spoke to me, so therefore maybe it was better that he didn't speak to me as much. She was less angsty than normal after handovers tonight. I don't like speaking badly of him but I didn't really know how else to explain it - and she saw him being pretty foul to me this morning.
I can also see that the only way permanently out of this is to start the divorce process, and that just exhausts me. I don;t want to do it just because of the stress but we're just going to go round and round in these cycles if I don;t make it clear that we are totally done. He still has pictures of me all over his home. It's so weird.
I'll email him tomorrow about not coming in the house to make it clear that that is how its going to work now. If I do it now I'll get a stream of texts throughout the night, find it better when I'm at work and I can just delete delete delete without thinking about it too much.
I need a clock radio so I can turn my phone off at night!
thank you this thread has been enormously helpful. MN has got me out of this relationship in the first place and through many a crisis before and after leaving - I've nc several times but the advice here is always totally spot on (even if it takes me a while to act on it sometimes)
Well done for not allowing him across your threshold! I think an email to clarify how things will be, and then getting on with divorce is a very good plan. You handled things well with your daughter too
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