Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Any other woman who love too much? Love Addicts? Fallout girls?

(35 Posts)
stillhaveabruise Sun 17-Jan-16 14:58:22

Is there anyone else here who dientifies with the pattern of falling for unavailable men and downplaying their flaws to make love work - ending up disrespected or unhappy and lacking the abilty to make better choices?

Maybe coming from an abusive or difficult childhood.

For me it is not obvious...I don't pick obvious bad boys and generally choose overtly loving nice men who for one reason or anyother don't fully meet my needs or who might be narcissistic or have commitment issues which prevent me from expericing real love.

Would love anyone else like me to maybe join the thread.

SoThatHappened Sun 17-Jan-16 15:46:38

Hell yes. I am currently reeling over one who never gave me anything and was never really my BF. He treated me like shit. And I would love to see him again at any cost.

moonfacebaby Sun 17-Jan-16 16:00:09

I don't pick obvious bad boys either.

But I seem to be attracting troubled souls these days - my last ex definitely had issues with commitment/relationships. He had a very troubled childhood & both him & his sister have never maintained a long term relationship because of that.

I'm not sure I ever loved anyone as much as I loved him & it really bloody pisses me off that I did/do.

Trying to move on. Met someone else a couple of months ago who is really keen, kind, thoughtful - but I think he has an issue with booze.

This love business is a fucker....I'm not sure that I know my arse from my elbow anymore confused

fishfingersinmysandwiches Sun 17-Jan-16 16:19:05

Yes I can relate to that. It has always been my pattern. But there is hope! The last man like this that I was with, I spent three months deep in that dreadful space of pining, chasing, trying to win over, and it was painful, painful, painful.

Then recently I spent a weekend with him and although I had a lovely time in parts, he was very clear that he had nothing concrete to offer me (although he very much wanted to carry on seeing me and enjoying all the benefits of that.)

And somehow - don't ask me what happened - it was like a switch flicked in my brain and I saw him for what he was: a frightened, selfish person with nothing to give. A user who wanted to be adored yet offer nothing in return. And I just thought, "No. I'm not playing this game any more."

And now I'm home and feeling alright. I know that I genuinely don't want him any more. Oh the relief and sense of freedom! There is no urge to contact him, no constant checking of the phone. There is a sense of hurt and rejection that still stings but the healing has begun.

I am tired of being a victim and intend to do lots of work on myself to ensure I do not keep repeating this same old pattern. Nothing changes unless we do.

SelfLoathing Sun 17-Jan-16 16:45:40

Raises hand.

Didn't have a difficult/abusive childhood though. And taken as a whole most (not all) of my bfs have been exceptional men (wealthy, good looking, high achievers, charming, nice to their mothers) not bad boy types - just there has always been a "challenge" feature about them - often initially very hot and then going cold - and wanting to win them round.

I think overall I am scared of being rejected so an easy way to avoid that is to focus on the chase.

Most of them eventually fell in love with me and after a honeymoon period, then I got bored and would dump them.

The only one who didn't was a true "bad boy" - actually that's a trite phrase to describe him; he was/is self centred narcissist. He was a MM who had numerous women on the go - and I ended up in a massive state of obsessional limerence about him. (I didn't know he was married to start with and for quite a while. He hid it well.)

lighteningirl Sun 17-Jan-16 16:48:21

Yep did it for years decided to stop it was hard but I set myself rules and now I'm happily married to a very nice needybutgorgeousandkind dh

HandyWoman Sun 17-Jan-16 16:52:04

fishfingers was that the guy you posted here about? The one who had been married and you met up after 3 years?

fishfingersinmysandwiches Sun 17-Jan-16 17:10:35

Yes, to my shame Handywoman. The last post of that thread was the perfect truth. I hadn't had the time of my life and I wasn't desperate to see him again. But somehow my brain managed to whip itself up into a frenzy over the next few months anyway. Because he didn't chase after me and there is something about rejection/unavailability that makes me want to give chase in an attempt to change the persons mind. And I was too embarrassed to post about it on here asking for support because you all had told me so.

Anyway, like I said upthread, I recently spent another weekend with him and this time something really has changed. And I don't know what it is. If I wasn't an atheist I would say some powers that be have staged an intervention! I genuinely just don't want him anymore. I'm done. I don't have any action plan for how to respond or not if/when he contacts me again, but I'm certain I'm done. I even feel ever so slightly repulsed by him now - like he's a bit disgusting? I have no idea what's happened but thank goodness.

Now comes the hard bit of making sure I don't get into a situation like that again. I think like someone said upthread, I need to make a list of hard limits and stick to them. In fact that could be a useful exercise for lots of women relating to the op of this thread.

missybct Sun 17-Jan-16 17:21:18

Baggage Reclaim is a fantastic place to start (type into Google) if you have had experience in these sorts of scenarios. I remember reading it and everything clicked into place - some of it can be quite hard to read as it deals with accepting that tolerating this behaviour from men (and others) is a form of unavailability itself, but once I'd read more and more, it really became a pillar of hope and inspiration.

Sorry if mentioning it flagrantly disregards MN rules but I genuinely feel so many people out there (including girls and guys who are young and impressionable of future "unavailability" without knowing the signs) could benefit from reading some of the literature on that site.

fishfingersinmysandwiches Sun 17-Jan-16 17:29:59

Yeah I think Baggage Reclaim can certainly be helpful for lots of women, and I admire Natalie Lue for the obvious amount of work she has put into being more mentally and emotionally healthy. It's not easy.

However I am turned off by the 'self-helpy' tone of her blog, and I also think that the endless naval gazing as to his and/or our motivations can be a way to remain and wallow in the madness, rather than moving on IYSWIM. There has to be a point where you decide to no longer invest any more emotional energy into the situation and to just get on with life.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Sun 17-Jan-16 17:42:50

I was this woman. Well, girl, really, til I met DH.

Dysfunctional childhood, bullied, told that "boys tease you because they like you," which led to dating guys who treated me like shit.

I was once told by a guy that "I was fine to fool around with, but never have as a proper girlfriend."

And I believed that about myself. For years. And was left feeling hurt, all the time, when I got the same thing every time.

It wasn't until I stopped being with guys like that and worked on myself, through counseling, that I came out feeling better about myself.

When I met DH, I was in a more positive headspace and emotionally more secure, so I knew our relationship was different. And I actually felt in love and loved in kind.

The road there was a bugger, though. flowers to all feeling low.

fastdaytears Sun 17-Jan-16 17:44:34

Hi! Yes this is me.

I'll check out baggage reclaim, and I'm loving the stories of people who have successfully moved on.

SoThatHappened Sun 17-Jan-16 17:49:04

I am scared of rejection too. So if I have a guy that isnt really mine, I wont lose him. But I did this time.

fastdaytears Sun 17-Jan-16 17:52:16

I get that SoThat. Sometimes I think I don't want a relationship with the potential to work out, because then I don't get the upset when it doesn't.

wantmorenow Sun 17-Jan-16 17:54:14

NC. Yep me too. Just emailed BF this afternoon telling him I want more than he's offering. It's a wonderful relationship in terms of shared time together, sex, kind acts, support, friendship, there for me when I need him etc. It has all the trappings of a proper committed relationship but after 18 months he doesn't love me and I've professed my love to him for at least half that time.

Oh yeah, and he's still not divorced from his wife although they've been separated for at least 8 years and has had a 3 year relationship with someone else in the meantime? WTF?

Please tell me whether I'm expecting too much from him or too little. If I ignore the love bit and the lack of future planning, the day to day experience of being with him is absolutely perfect and the moments we share are wonderful.
So confused.

SoThatHappened Sun 17-Jan-16 17:54:17

I thought the unavailable guy would always be around as he slept around. But even he dropped me and he is gone.

fastdaytears Sun 17-Jan-16 17:57:18

Please tell me whether I'm expecting too much from him or too little

Way too little. But it's so hard when day to day it's lovely.

Has he replied with promises of everything being different yet?

Do you have RL support tonight?

missybct Sun 17-Jan-16 17:57:31

Agreed re: navel gazing fishfingers - I meant it more as a resource than the only material out there - I definitely agree spending too much time over analysing the motives and mysteries only perpetuates the cycle.

I found it a really good starting point though, to kind of reconcile that I wasn't completely batshit crazy grin - Ultimately healing yourself after any negative or traumatic experience needs to be half debunking the myths you thought were true (where I think Baggage Reclaim can work) and the second half going solo with the knowledge you know smile

wantmorenow Sun 17-Jan-16 18:05:50

fastdaytears no RL support, I'm a bit of a loner in friendships too. Have lots of friendly acquaintances but not much in way of close friends, never was my style.

No promises of different, I've never been promised anything other than what he's delivered so can't even dump any blame on him for not meeting my expectations! Think I choose emotionally unavailable men as then I don't have to commit either. Only this one has me totally besotted. I have never been treated so thoughtfully or respectfully so I fell for him. Now I'm in the position of loving a man who has told me from the off that he's never really been in love ever. I'm a muppet.

fastdaytears Sun 17-Jan-16 18:08:19

I get promises of everything being different, which are not only never followed through with, but denied completely so then I think I'm completely crazy.

What can you do tonight to make things less horrible, and you less likely to cave in if he does call? Chocolate? Wine? Ice cream? Bath? Super early night?

What generally works for you?

fastdaytears Sun 17-Jan-16 18:08:39

Oh and you are definitely not a muppet!

stillhaveabruise Sun 17-Jan-16 18:14:57

Thanks everyone for replying. Sorry you are in the same boat.

In my case I had "nice on the surface" parents who were both quite emotionally abusive and extrenely emotionally selfish. Dad was quite violent tempered and extremely dismissive at times. Mum a bit narcissistic / childlike expecting me to care for her emotional needs and was also very violent tempered.

They were always fighting, loudly, smashing things, scaring me and making me act like the adult to sort their fight out. I learned to behave and impress them and soothe them to get love. I was fat as a kid, and was bullied a bit in school, travelled a lot so changed schools and didn't have friends until later life so just learned to cry alone in my room and was i pain a lot and alone inside.

If Mum or dad saw me crying they would find it an annoyance and did not want to know or see it so I learned no one cared really. Even as an adult I get on very well with my parents but emotionally - forget it - if they ever saw me cry even over something really bad they would find it uncomfortable and not know what to do or say.

I had a wonderful first love for six years, and that was a healthy relationship that taught me how to love and be loved, but when he left me at the tender age 21, I just fell apart and spent my whole twenties single and just having one night stands, getting into drugs and not caring if I lived or died.

I got my act together, and decided I was ready to create a life, so I got together with the most "stable" or kind, easy, loving man I could find at the age of 32. I found the least likely man in the world to ever hurt me, cheat on me or leave me and i settled into a life that made me largely bored and unhappy - only for him to both cheat AND leave me - in probably the cruelest way imaginable at the age of 36.

With hindsight I see that he was not a very nice man. He was just a very needy / obsessed man who said and did things to make it look like he was desperately attached to me but that really it was a selfish attachment where he had no concern at all for my real needs. Much like my parents. but while in it i absolutely could not see it.

The way he left me, as I said, very cruel and abusive in nature has made me regress even further and I am now only attracted to emotionally or phsyically unavailable men or men i need to "fix".

I become attracted to men who have a combination of three things (1) they chase me and are obsessively desiring of me. (2) they are outwardly weak / needy towards me (3) there is something keeping us apart - like distance or a recent divorce or emotional issues.

I think I am caught in the cycle because I have lost all faith and have no idea how to attach or even want a healthy attachment with a normal and loving man.

I am currently "seeing" a certain man who chased me like mad only to treat me appalingly and openly says he only wants me for sex yet I remain in complete denial as he continuinally cuts down my value and yet I am unable to leave - despite several far better men wanting me sad

I was wondering first if people wanted to discuss it (yes I have done baggage reclaim) and also maybe if anyone was interested in a real life support group of some sort?

I would love to have the comfort of knowing someone else felt this way. I know people look at me and see a smart, capable and intelligent woman and yet I allow myself to be treated like shit and want to make it stop.

wantmorenow Sun 17-Jan-16 18:16:52

That's even worse if you're being promised change and then he rewrites things so you end up doubting your mind! That would fry my head too. Mine just says what would you prefer someone who says they love you or someone who treats you beautifully?
Think I've finally admitted to myself I want both. Why can't it be both? He gets both from me.
I'm okay for tonight, just feels sad. Like it may be the beginning of the end. It's like he's mimicking love without the emotional availability and I'm taking all the risks. Thought it would be enough but it makes me insecure. Not very zen to say ok the present is fine but what about a future together?

wantmorenow Sun 17-Jan-16 18:22:31

stillhaveabruise No words of wisdom, but you're definitely not alone. Mine dumped me so I asked him for a nsa fb arrangement! Thought I was in control and it suited me. Months later he asked me out and for a relationship, I really thought I was the one to he would fall for and it would be different with me! Cliche.

I too want it to stop. I want to meet someone, love them and have them love me, marry and live happily ever after if we work hard enough at it and are lucky. Is that so weird or difficult? Other people do it.

stillhaveabruise Sun 17-Jan-16 18:23:56

I get promises of everything being different, which are not only never followed through with, but denied completely so then I think I'm completely crazy.

Story of my life also!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now