Help me stay strong.

[batshipcrazy]

I have posted a couple of times, short story is years of ea from my h, I finally had enough after another outburst just before Christmas. Told him I felt it was over and we have been riding a roller coaster ever since. He swings between super husband and dad to the good old nasty spiteful h he normally shows me.

Trouble is I'm trying to be amicable for the kids, he is still living here and won't be able to leave for a few months.
He is wearing me down, I know he is emotionally blackmailing me, but it's almost working. Where I was resolute and strong , I've know fallen deeply depressed and sad and feel like giving in for easy life.

The kids know, everyone flipping knows.. He made sure of that.. He couldn't even help putting the knife in when we were telling the kids.

I'm just flapping about the future, about supporting myself and the kids, having no money, no nice things... Worrying about never meeting anyone that likes me, not that it's at the forefront but it is there... And mostly about how will probably be dating before you know it.. He is all secretive and out all the time and watching it is leaving a yucky feeling in my tummy.

Am I making a huge mistake?

[12purpleapples]

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing. How can you be in a relationship with someone like that?

Is there anywhere that he could go, even temporarily to give you both a bit of space?

[mum2mum99]

The abuse is still carrying on. Do you have a plan to get him out?

[batshipcrazy]

He won't go... He is waiting for the right place to move too ....!

I don't know why him moving on and finding someone else is bothering me so much, it's like I've lost all my resolve. He says I still love him and I'm the one ruining all our lives when all he is trying to do is fix 'us' how no one can believe it's us that are going through this ...' The perfect couple' apoarently..

I know it's the right thing to seperate but why am I struggling so much 😭

[Gobbolino6]

He's being vile. I think he needs to leave ASAP, easier said than done though. No experience of forcing someone out but I am sure some here will know the best course.

[PurpleWithRed]

I feel your pain: lived with xdh for 14 months while the house was selling; lost 2 stone; spent the whole time on a knife edge/trying to avoid arguments in front of the children etc etc. But now a few years down the line I'm happy, stable, have discovered I can live very very happily on much less money than I thought, a married to a lovely man (and sadly have put most of the weight back on again...). It was worth every minute of those awful months in the house together.

Is your house on the market or are you keeping the house and him moving somewhere else? have you started the divorce process?

[batshipcrazy]

He is refusing to acknowledge his behaviour has/is abusive. He told me that it's both of us that have made things this way and now I'm starting to feel guilty and like I've hurt everybody for no reason.

I seem to be losing sight of all the things I was so strong about, finally and now it all seems to be home again.

He is moving elsewhere.. I'm staying put but now he is saying our son wants to live with him

Arggh

[mum2mum99]

He is refusing to acknowledge his behaviour has/is abusive that's usually the case for abusive partners.
Maybe you need to put together a deposit for a house to rent or buy, find the house and then kick him out. I guess he needs a bit of help and he would have no more excuses.
Or could you buy him out of the house if it is in both names?
In order to validate your feelings you can read the book 'why does he do that? ' from Lundy Bancroft explaining abusive tactics or go onto the freedom program (same purpose). Good luck

[hellsbellsmelons]

Don't lose your resolve now.
You've done the hard bit.
Make sure you are NOT doing anything for him while he is living there.
Make it as uncomfortable as possible.
Not cooking, shopping, washing, ironing, tidying, cleaning.
He is an abuser so of course you have made the right decision.
And now the script about your DS. Yeah yeah. The last think he will want is his DS cramping his style.
Does he work full time?
Do you work full time?
Have you had advice for CAB and CSA and Womens aid?

[batshipcrazy]

He is just killing me with kindness, saying he can't imagine life without me.. How I'm ruining everything we have built etc etc. I am feeling so guilty, I feel ill and constantly sick. He keeps making me say that it's over, then acting all hurt and destraught.
I am so close to giving in... Not because I want him but because I can't keep doing this.. I'm even imagining I've made up all his behaviour in my head which is sending me totally crazy as all he is doing currently is being down and sad and begging us for another chance


Arghh I feel like I can't fight on

[batshipcrazy]

I'm doing all house stuff as I can't face the nastiness if I don't. I have bought the Lundy book and will start reading tomorrow.
Although I know his behaviour I'm still struggling to accept its him and not that both of us are flawed and that I've caused this too...

[bb888]

Don't give up now, if you do you will be back to square one and will have to repeat all this again at some point.

[pocketsaviour]

Please give Womens Aid a call. They can help guide you through this.

You can see very clearly what he is doing. he is turning the thumbscrews to maximum to make you crack.

Do you think a healthy or loving partner would do that? Would happily push their partner to the brink of insanity, just to get their own way?

You need to emotionally withdraw. When he talks to you, start just walking away, stating calmly "There is nothing further to discuss on this point." Only respond to him on practical matters. This will take practise, so don't feel bad when you get sucked in the first few times. Do you know why it's so hard to not get sucked in? Because you are a nice person who cares about others. Him? He doesn't give a fuck. He will do and say whatever he needs to, to put you back in your box.

Have you read the Lundy book? It will help you sort a lot of this confusion.

[batshipcrazy]

Book should be here tomorrow!

So, from this evening... Apparently I must be having an affair as he cant understand why I'm refusing to try again with him..there must be someone else stopping me..
And... No one else will ever love me like he does and he seriously hopes I don't get cheated on, as lots of the men he knows are cheats but he has been eternally faithful to me....

I'm now feeling absolutely shit, what if he is right and he is the best I will get and I'm about to throw it all away. I can't believe he is that good at acting, I know he is sad..

My head is so screwed.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Let's hope no one else loves you like he does AS HE LOVES YOU IF CONTROLLING IS LOVE AND HE LOVES YOU IF BULLYING IS LOVE AND HE LOVES YOU IF ABUSE IS LOVE..

By the way, he doesn't want the child. It's just blackmail.

[SugarDiabetes]

Even if what he says is completely and utterly true,

• he loves you
• you're ruining the family
• there's another man
• he's never cheated
• etc etc etc

you can decide to end it, if you like.

In the end, the reasons, and even the truth and lies, don't matter. If you don't want this relationship, for any reason, leave it.

[fantasyworld]

Not much to add, except to say that I've seen so many similarities with my situation, so thank you for sharing and validating the feeling of desperation that I sometimes get when the pendulum has swung from"super husband and father" to "nasty". If he was still living here, I'd feel exactly the same, even with him having moved out sometimes I just feel like caving in out of guilt and the wish for a simple life. But it's wrong. My friend the other day rightly said, "what would you tell a friend in your situation?". Be strong, you can do this, he will not change. He is showing you right now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

he is showing you right now.
Absolutely.
The guilt tripping, the controlling, the manipulation.
He clearly hasn't changed or heard a word you have said.
He's programmed you already to feel guilt and like everything is your fault when you know full well, as do we, that HE is totally at fault here.
He won't change. That is very very clear now!

s I can't face the nastiness if I don't
This is exactly what you need though. To keep your resolve.
You need to see and remember all the nastiness. So stop doing all his crap.
Of course he wants to keep you as his house slave so stop doing it.
Right now, nothing for him has changed. You are still there doing all the crap and putting up with this manipulative abusive twat.

[AnyFucker]

The only mistake you are making is to continue to live in the same house as this inadequate prick

[whaleshark]

Are all those worries actually yours, or is that what he is telling you?? He is shit scared that you are going to leave him, and make a successful life for yourself, so he is telling you all this to keep you in line. DO NOT LISTEN!!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

OP, you need to watch Tangled. Esp the interactions between Rapunzel and Mother Goethel. Sometimes you need to see your own situation in full-colour cartoon with a big booming Broadway voice belting out how badly you'll do out there to truly get how RIDICULOUS his bletherings are.

Stay strong.

[batshipcrazy]

So... I went to my old counsellor yesterday, it was good to let out everything but I didn't actually get much feedback as I couldn't stop talking. I'm hoping to squirrel some more money to be able to see her again but h has got me on lock down on any spending due to financial
Stuff down to him moving out.

He is still acting the victim, saying he is being nice whilst I'm acting like a butch. I'm not , I'm just being indifferent ( like he used to tell me he was when he was cross with me) and it's driving him mental. We have just had another set too as apoarently I'm being a bitch.. And he has told me that he is worried about me , that I seem to be having a mental breakdown and I'm mental.. He is now saying he is worrying about my ability to be a mother!!! He also keeps twisting my words, saying I won't allow the children to see him, which I categorically have never said! Is he spouting this shit to our friends? Everyone must think I'm nuts.. They are all saying that it seems like a bolt from the blue and I'll get over, whatever this is.
He keeps insinuating I'm lazy, work shy, never do anything.. He is the one running around sorting things out, just so i!! Can live without him!!!
I want to scream.

Oh my god! I'm going insane here... This feels like it will never end, everything is so ducked up.

Now I'm questioning wether I am having a breakdown? I didn't even feel that stressed when we told the kids, I felt numb.. But in a way all I can feel is relief that I might finally escape him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Abusers script once again, down to a tee!
They ALL say exactly what he is saying.
Let it go over your head.
You are not having a breakdown.
You are finally seeing all that he is and you are ending things.
He just can't deal with it. He's an amazing person, surely!???
So his only fall back is that you must be having some sort of breakdown.
When ever he starts just do a PA - 'yes of course dear' 'Yes you must be right dear' 'Oh absolutely dear' 'Well if that's what you think then you must right ' Then walk the fuck away from him.

Keep going, he's an arsehole, so hold onto that and know that you are a fabulous woman doing all the right things.

[FreeSpirit89]

I recommend the freedom programme too. It's helped me lots!

Also there is a book called 'living with a dominator' that book was like a bible to me! It explains why they do it.

It isn't about the fact 'you've broken the family' it's about the fact he's lost the control over you and he is trying to get that back.

Going out and not telling you how long he will be gone or where he is is just another tool remember that!

[pocketsaviour]

Everything he is saying is part of the classic script.

Who are these friends who are saying you'll "get over it"? Are these your friends, have people actually said this to you? If not, assume he's lying.

[batshipcrazy]

I don't know how I'm going to cope with the next 2,3,4 months of him here.. I'm desperately trying to play nice for the kids sake, they don't deserve the fall out from the poor choice I made ..

Should I try and leave? I don't think I should.. I'm not sure. I just want to be free. I will never deny him access to his kids, but I am worried he will damage them and poison them against me?

I also have to get work, after 10 odd years that's a hard thing.. But I have no idea how I will cope financially ( our financial state is very very complicated, and surprise surprise controlled by him) also I can't just get work when everything is so unsettled, it's a struggle to get out of the door at the moment.

Thank you for your constant reassurance I hope I'm not so needy one day and able to help others ?