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New relationship, new problems: Trust

(15 Posts)
Arsenal123 Sun 17-Jan-16 12:08:50

My girlfriend has been texting and Skyping other guys who are interested in her. I've never seen or looked at the texts/web chats but I feel uncomfortable with it. She has mentioned them but when I have asked she dismisses it as friendships from before we met. Some of these guys have asked to meet up with her or to go on a skiing trip alone. She has said no stating that they might overpower her but to me it seems like she is almost welcoming the attention, and the nature of the friendships seems questionable (can't a guy and a girl just be friends?) It's probably not relevant but some of these guys are from her home country.

I just have a bad gut feeling about it. I know she hasn't cheated on me. But I'm very weary when it seems like a girl is encouraging unusual male attention. I told her it was a red flag for me and I felt horrible in doing so because it felt like I was making an accusation even though I wasn't. What made it worse for me is that she sometimes mixes the details of these friendships when we spoke of them. For example, she hadn't met up with one guy for 3 years and then it changed to last summer. She has a photo album on her computer called "hotties" and the thumbnail was a webcam shot of a guy (Skype call perhaps?)

I had a bad experience with infidelity last year and I am worried that the pain and anxiety that provoked will return. Maybe I am the one with the problem?

Our relationship is not public on social media at her request. I am late in my late 20s and she is in her early 20s so I guess we may have different views on relationship conduct. We agreed to be committed despite me offering the chance to have a non-committed relationship (something which in hindsight would have been completely against my values).

Again, this could just be me - I have felt some insecurity at the beginning of every relationship I've been in. I just want a normal committed partnership. I just want to feel okay. Should I just forget it and try to get over it or is there more to talk about?

SongBird16 Sun 17-Jan-16 12:15:58

It is difficult to tell whether the male friendships are anything for you to worry about or not but it sounds like you are fundamental incompatible and my advice would be to call it a day. Give her the freedom to talk to whoever she wants to, and find yourself someone who doesn't have a 'hotties' file on their PC (yuk).

Seeyounearertime Sun 17-Jan-16 12:21:09

Our relationship is not public on social media at her request.
I'm really uncomfortable about this? why would she not want her relationship known to the people she's, i assume, chatting too?

It all feels off and i wouldn't be entertaining this relationship for very long.

Tomboyinatutu Sun 17-Jan-16 12:26:12

In my opinion she doesn't sound committed to you, if she was she would take your feelings into account. If she is on social media why doesn't she want to state that she is in a relationship on there? That seems a bit strange if you have both committed to each other. As for the other men, if the stories don't fit how do you know she isn't lying about more? Yes men and women can be friends but it seems unusual that she is being friends with what sounds like a lot of men who fancy her. Maybe she likes the attention? I would have a proper chat with her and see where you stand.

pocketsaviour Sun 17-Jan-16 12:28:14

She has said no stating that they might overpower her

Meaning she thinks they might rape her?

I'm going to be brutally honest, she doesn't sound stable enough to be in a committed relationship, and it sounds as if she seeks validation of her self-esteem through sexualised male attention.

I don't think anyone who is in a supposedly-committed/monogamous relationship, and who respected their partner's feelings, would be chatting to people who they knew were interested, keeping their relationship on the downlow on social media, or keeping a folder called "Hotties" on their PC hmm

I just have a bad gut feeling about it. I know she hasn't cheated on me.
Without wishing to sound harsh, how would you know?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 17-Jan-16 18:27:49

Sometimes a person's fears about being cheated on are irrational and unfounded. And sometimes you've just met an incorrigible flirt who is always looking out for the next love interest. I think that's what you have found I'm afraid.

choceclair123 Sun 17-Jan-16 19:14:09

From what you've said I'd say she's keeping her options open, is a huge flirt and loves getting attention from other men. She's leading them on and all the time she's in a relationship with you! No, I'm afraid if I were you I'd get rid of the little prick tease

Robotgirl Sun 17-Jan-16 19:25:09

She's a player & she's showing you what she's all about. Bid farewell.

PrincessBooBoo Sun 17-Jan-16 19:26:06

Mate, I would just bin and move on! You should be all over each other at this stage, not making the other feel uncomfortable...find someone a bit more mature

rosewithoutthorns Sun 17-Jan-16 19:33:38

Get rid of her.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Jan-16 19:36:23

She has said no stating that they might overpower her

what ?

QuiteLikely5 Sun 17-Jan-16 19:39:19

I don't think she is that into you. Relationships should not be this much hard work.........head for the hills!

goddessofsmallthings Sun 17-Jan-16 20:11:21

You're not the one with the problem and you can't fix hers.

If you don't intend to ditch her make sure you triple up on condoms and don't believe anything she may say about being on the pill or it being a 'safe time' etc, because attention seekers will do anything to satisfy their urge to be centre stage.

inlectorecumbit Sun 17-Jan-16 20:26:24

You have already identified her behaviour as red flag..

Time to ditch and move on.

Kez100 Sun 17-Jan-16 20:35:15

To be fair my DD and DS don't put relationships on Facebook. They aren't great lovers of the platform as it invites too much drama in their opinion. It's absolutely nothing to do with how strong or committed the liason is.

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