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Aged DP - am I horrible?

(109 Posts)
isthisokornotenough Sat 16-Jan-16 23:20:19

No sex for years (my choice, because sex hurt after menopause and I haven't fancied him since he lost his figure in middle age, in fact I don't find him particularly pleasant to look at these days, and he was never good looking. (I am ordinary looking for my age so am not saying I have any sex appeal either.) He says he has less sex drive now anyway because of prostate trouble. I am 57, he is 63.

He is a very sweet, kind, gentle and tolerant man, easy to live with. He has lots of common sense, makes friends easily and is popular. I am an introvert.

I don't really respect him for some things, mostly because he has lived off me for years. (obviously I have chosen him and chosen to allow this, and I have big self esteem issues about this and loads of other issues.

We enjoy each other's company and doing hobbies together. I am fond of him. So my life is better with him in it rather than being alone. (Can't imagine having any other relationship because I can't imagine ever wanting sex with another man.)

However, I look at him and think - how did I end up with a man like you?

I wonder - What if he became permanently incapacitated, would I willingly care full time for him? I think 'no' in theory, you've lived off me for years, I've given you enough, I don't want to give up my last active years to you. And the reverse, I just don't know if he would look after me, he wouldn't be much good at it practically.

Am I selfish and ungrateful? Does anyone else ever think like this?

SlowFJH Sat 16-Jan-16 23:23:19

Yes

MumsKnitter Sat 16-Jan-16 23:24:42

Not worth hanging on to as a relationship imo. Being on your own is better than you think. And you'd have more money!

variousthings Sat 16-Jan-16 23:31:14

You are a bit, yes

Leave him and give him the chance to meet someone who likes him

isthisokornotenough Sat 16-Jan-16 23:35:31

I guess my subject title begged for agreement. I obviously feel very guilty about my feelings.
Has anyone chosen to leave someone they were fond of, to avoid having to kiss him when they found him unattractive.

janaus Sat 16-Jan-16 23:40:36

Sorry, but to be honest, I think you are being unreasonable to your DH.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 16-Jan-16 23:50:16

Hi op

Your going to get slammed for your post, so I'll just pick out the points as I see them

You say he has lived off you for years, this one thing I suppose can breed resentment and make the other appear very unattractive. Your post seems to fixate on his looks, but I wonder if that's 2nd to the fact you feel you have carried him for many years.

If you take appearance out of the equation your points all make sense, you don't want to waste your time left looking after him, and doubt he would stick around for you.

So maybe it is make or break time, but if your married he would have a claim I guess on half the assets including your pension etc.

hiddenhome2 Sat 16-Jan-16 23:50:46

You can always put him in a home if he becomes incapacitated.

Viviennemary Sat 16-Jan-16 23:53:15

Nobody here can tell you if the relationship is worth staying in. You might get ill and he might be the one looking after you. Nothing in our futures is certain. Just think carefully before you make any decision about what you are going to do. If you don't find him physically attractive that isn't really your fault. So I don't see why you should feel guilty.

wickedwaterwitch Sat 16-Jan-16 23:54:18

Can you leave him now? It sounds pointless really, sorry, I hope you don't mind my saying.

I'm married for good company, sex, love, companionship, shared interests, shared parenting, etc.

What are you getting out of this? You're too young to give up!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 16-Jan-16 23:56:33

Can you leave him? Better for you. Better for him, quite frankly.

wickedwaterwitch Sat 16-Jan-16 23:56:38

So IMO you're not horrible, just disillusioned, out of love, irritated, jaded, fed up. Leave him! If you want to. If the thought terrifies you then don't. Or talk to him, see if you can rekindle something. Good luck.

AnthonyBlanche Sat 16-Jan-16 23:58:50

Your relationship sounds a bit miserable OP. Is affection enough for you? If not maybe time to think about living on your own?

abbsismyhero Sun 17-Jan-16 00:03:34

rethink your life what is the issue with him really do you resent him or just not respect him

isthisokornotenough Sun 17-Jan-16 00:04:04

Thanks Guiltypleasures.
Yes there is underlying resentment, or perhaps more really beating myself up with self esteem issues, late middle age crisis perhaps, that I have failed in life to find someone who was equal to me in that he earned his own keep and whom I fancied. I feel I have had to buy his love and he is probably with me for the house and lifestyle.

He likes hugs and kisses, pecks of kisses these days I mean, but he has often had too much saliva (lovely healthy teeth!) and I find (have found for years) myself wiping my mouth afterwards almost as a reflex, yuck. I like hugs. I like the companionship. I'd just rather he was self sufficient and didn't want personal contact. If he lived in another house and was just my close reliable friend, that might be a lot better, but I know that is a pipe dream, he would hate living alone so he would find another woman as quickly as possible.

TheVeganVagina Sun 17-Jan-16 00:05:18

I think it means that you dont really love him.
When you are really in love, you look at that person and think they are the most amazing, gorgeous person in the world.
I think one of the greatest tests of love, is if you would care for someone when they are really ill, or after a serious accident.
I dont think yabu, you are just being honest.

RainOhJoy Sun 17-Jan-16 00:08:15

I think the physical un attraction and revulsion at kissing him has come second to other underlying issues. Just like people who you thought were ugly, when they become friends you think are attractive and vice versa.

I think honestly you would be happier on your own.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 17-Jan-16 00:11:20

Hi again op

Your last post raised deeper questions for me, especially around physical contact and being quite
Insular. Without prying I'm imagining a whole back story with events that pre date your dh to be honest.

I would hazard a guess even that the real problem isn't him, but past events that have shaped your choice of companion, and things that have been unresolved for you needing attention.

I would really recommend a decent integrative counsellor, if you have self esteem issues it isn't a wonder that you have picked someone who doesn't challenge you in any way, and from your description seems quite bland and In offensive.

thanks

isthisokornotenough Sun 17-Jan-16 00:11:52

We're not married, I've never been in love with anyone, have never found the right man to marry, no kids, didn't want dp's children because even then I thought he was ugly and didn't want his ugly children.
If we split I'd feel morally that i'd have to pay him out - because I feel sorry for him, so he'd be ok in that respect.
I'd feel lonely at home in the evenings and I think I might get depressed on my own.
Guess I just need to grow up and accept ageing. Don't think I have anything to offer anyone else so better to be with him rather than on my own. He is free to go. I think he likes the lifestyle. He's a lovely man, I just hate the kisses, and I guess it's mortality - the thought that this is it, the best I can do, I've lost my youth, and it's too late now.

leavemealone2015 Sun 17-Jan-16 00:23:09

Hi OP. I understand where you are coming from. Sounds like this has run its course. I think you should free yourself and go on a voyage of self discovery!

isthisokornotenough Sun 17-Jan-16 00:23:11

Guiltypleasures
if you have self esteem issues it isn't a wonder that you have picked someone who doesn't challenge you in any way, and from your description seems quite bland and In offensive.

Bang on the nail.

What does integrative counsellor mean?

Thanks to you others for your responses. I am processing them.

Have to go to bed now. Thank you all for your thoughts. flowers

leavemealone2015 Sun 17-Jan-16 00:24:28

Also who wants to kiss or care for someone they find repulsive.. No one !

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 17-Jan-16 00:28:31

It's a counsellor/psychotherapist who can offer a variety of talking therapies including CBT.

Look up the counselling directory for your area or go on the BACP website and look for one who is accredited through them. They will all have full profiles normally pics and their training and area of expertise. Talk to a few and interview them on the phone or face to face, they expect this because choosing a counsellor is highly personal and can be stressful for the potential client.

Good luck op

lostinmiddlemarch Sun 17-Jan-16 00:29:27

You don't seem to love him at all. That is so sad. Part of me doesn't want to break up the low-key happiness you both enjoy. Part of me doesn't want any man to live with a woman who despises him, however gently.

SoWhite Sun 17-Jan-16 00:31:07

Why did you get with a man you found ugly in the first place?

You must have had your reasons - have these reasons gone away?

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