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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

he left me 10 days after miscarriage

107 replies

GalwayGal123 · 16/01/2016 17:41

Has anyone's relationship broken down after a miscarriage?
I miscarried an unplanned baby last week at 6wks...I wanted the baby, my boyfriend didn't. We have been together less than a year, don't live together. We are in our 30's and our relationship was a bit rocky before this, but still very much a lot of love there.
I feel like I need him more than ever and feel so vulnerable, I have been up and down in my temperament and emotions over the past few weeks since I found out I was pregnant and subsequently miscarried, but I feel like I don't deserve to be left because of it.

OP posts:

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SongBird16 · 16/01/2016 17:47

I'm sorry you are going through this, and that you are having to cope with two very emotional events without support.

FWIW I doubt he has left you because of the miscarriage itself. Rather, the prospect of a baby has forced him to confront the long-term viability of your relationship.

It sounds like he could've been kinder and more sensitive about his decision but at least you are not wasting more years of your life on a man who wasn't able to prioritise you or see a future as your partner.

lalalonglegs · 16/01/2016 17:49

You don't deserve to be left by someone you love after just having a miscarriage but your boyfriend doesn't want children at this stage, you have made it clear that you do and I suspect he doesn't want to have the conversation about where you go from now. It's cowardly of him.

Take your time recovering from this and concentrate on yourself and what are your goals are without him.

Supermanspants · 16/01/2016 17:59

He clearly does not see the r'ship as you do and does not have any interest in your emotional well being in the aftermath of your MC because of this. I also don't think he has left you because of your reaction to your MC. I would question if he does in fact love you. Be glad he has gone now.
Look after yourself

OwlCurrency · 16/01/2016 18:01

What a fucking shitbag.

GalwayGal123 · 16/01/2016 18:11

He told me it was over last night and has gone on holiday with his family for a week today.
I'm left behind just shocked and heartbroken.
He has made me feel so loved and tells me I'm everything to him, but last night for the first time ever he said he didn't know if he really loved me and that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

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SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2016 18:52

What an absolute shit.

Focus on you right now, and on recovering. Do you have people around to support you, practically and emotionally at the moment?

toomuchtooold · 16/01/2016 19:06

Oh jesus, that's very hard to take.

DH and I almost split up after my first and third (final) miscarriages. The grief of it can really expose any cracks in your relationship and for us too, even though the pregnancy was planned, it did feel like a trial run for parenthood and there was a moment afterwards where I couldn't say whether I'd actually had a lucky escape. (I feel awful saying this to you just after your miscarriage but I want to be honest, people talk an awful lot of bullshit around miscarriage IME)

However, he is the most massive shit for leaving now. You are definitely better off without him although it must be really hard dealing with this on top of the miscarriage. I hope you have people around you who can support you.

OwlCurrency · 16/01/2016 19:08

Oh, my god. How awful!

Bogeyface · 16/01/2016 19:17

Real life happened, you needed him and he was too selfish to be there for you.

It often happens that relationships break down when something happens that leaves one half needing the other. I have a good friend who was dumped by his GF when he got a potentially life changing diagnosis. She said that she wasnt sure if she loved him anymore blah blah, but the truth was that she only wanted to be with him if it was easy. If she had to give support, help him, sometimes put his needs before her own, then she didnt want to know. Ironically, she was dumped by a similar person when she had a car accident and was physically unwell for a some months afterwards, you reap what you sow.

He is no loss. I know it doesnt feel like that now, but one day soon you will look back and realise that. The fact is that if you hadnt miscarried then he would have left you anyway, as soon as it got a bit difficult, most likely when you were at your lowest post partum and needed him the most.

Take heart love, they are not all like that.

I am sorry you lost your baby

magoria · 16/01/2016 19:23

I don't think he has left you over the miscarriage or your behaviour.

You had been together less than a year. Your relationship has already been rocky.

You wanted the baby, he didn't.

You clearly have different ideas of what you want in a relationship right now.

He has done the right thing. Hard as it is. There wasn't a better way to do it.

The sooner the better. You can start grieving and eventually moving on.

GalwayGal123 · 16/01/2016 19:30

Thank you all for you replies.
I appreciate honesty and directness, thank you.
I just feel particularly vulnerable because of the miscarriage, and so sad as I genuinely believed this man loved me and loved me a lot...I thought he was in it for the long haul with me.

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SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2016 19:34

Miscarriage is brutal. And the fact that, even if he had decided he didn't want to be with you any more, he couldn't find it in himself to support you right now, says a lot about him.

OwlCurrency · 16/01/2016 19:43

He's a coward. It's best to have that information. But not best that the information exists.

He probably does love you, but doesn't have the emotional depth to truly feel love as most people do. He's a bad egg.

Throwingshade · 16/01/2016 19:43

Sounds like he is leaving before the subject of another baby comes up or you fall pregnant by accident again. It's not what he wants. I think he's trying to do the right thing - espcially as you say the relationship is rocky - and break things off now before things get complicated or you get hurt even more.

However this must feel horrendous and I'm so sorry for you and that you had a mc, which is hellish I know.

I think you should let him go. Cry on some shoulders and lick your wounds

GalwayGal123 · 16/01/2016 19:44

SirBoob,
Just two nights ago I was crying telling him I needed him more than ever...I've been so emotional and needy. It kills me that I feel like this and he is on holiday now.
I don't know whether to contact him or what, I just feel a bit lost.

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GalwayGal123 · 16/01/2016 19:46

He's normally the needy one in the relationship...this role reversal and the fact that he has left me is so confusing.

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juststeppedoutofasalon · 16/01/2016 19:53

poor you. remember that however awful it is, you will get over this, and you will feel better. You will also realise that you deserve so much more. sending hugs.

Pipestheghost · 16/01/2016 19:56

How awful for you. In time you will see that this bloke is a shitbag.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 16/01/2016 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IonaNE · 16/01/2016 20:11

OP, you were together only for a short time, you had problems before the baby and he did not want the baby. When you got pregnant he was trying to do the right thing - when you had the mc, he obviously thought he had a lucky escape from a relationship he was unsure about anyway, and he wanted to make sure he did not end up in the same position (not leaving you immediately and then maybe you becoming pregnant again). It is understandable why he did it - I think the best you can do is try to move on. Sorry for what you are going through with the mc. :(

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2016 20:32

I agree with IonaNE. He had made his feelings perfectly clear before you lost the baby, and one of your prior threads on this indicated that he'd actually left you before you lost the baby. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Bogeyface · 16/01/2016 20:53

He's normally the needy one in the relationship...

That explains a hell of a lot.

He is the one who gets his needs met by you. He needs a hug, a kiss, a word of love, sex, whatever and you give him that. You are the giver and he is the receiver.

But that changed when you needed him. Him giving that love and support to someone else simply doesnt happen in his world, he is incapable of being there for someone else. You said that you needed him more than ever and he responded by leaving, because he absolutely cannot give that support and love to someone else. He is selfish, self obsessed and emotionally immature.

He will never make a good husband and he would be the worst father. A parent, as you know, must put their own needs and wants second to their child, he would never be able to do that. You know those threads on MN where he buggers off, never sees the kids, never pays maintenance and makes out that he is the victim? That would have been your future.

As hard as it is now, and I know it is, you will look back one day and realise just what a near miss you had with this asshole.

GalwayGal123 · 16/01/2016 21:28

I wish I could just see he is a shitbag now instead of missing him and wanting him.
I feel pathetic.
I know I can't wallow in it and I need to find some strength somewhere, I just feel double heartbroken at the moment.

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Bogeyface · 16/01/2016 21:35

Wallow away. Its part of the process. You cant heal if you dont allow yourself to feel the pain. Tbh, I would be more worried if you werent feeling like shit at the moment, given everything that you have been through. If you are still feeling like this in a few weeks then you may need some support, but at the moment what you are feeling and is perfectly normal and not at all pathetic.

Pathetic is walking away from someone who needs you because you cant cope with not being the centre of attention......and we all know who did that.

Take care

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2016 22:10

Galway I think it might be helpful to you to read your past threads about him and about your relationship. I honestly don't think you're seeing it, and him, clearly. I think you became much more involved with him and much more quickly than he ever was. I don't think he's necessarily the villain that you make him out to be. I think he's just someone who, though partially his fault because he didn't take responsibility for contraception, was in way over his head.

If you are going to see things. See them clearly. It can only help you in the long run not to make the same mistake with another man.

Flip

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