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AIBU? Dating question

(50 Posts)
beesandknees Fri 15-Jan-16 15:45:45

I just broke it off with a guy after 2 months. Was discussing with a friend and she told me I was being unreasonable and had been trying to "control" things too much...

Met late Nov, full on for 3 weeks, saw each other 3-4 times a week, loads of contact, happy, lovey texts morning noon and night. Slept together after 3 dates.

He went back home for 2 weeks over Xmas. Still lots of texts, full on, said lots of lovely things. I missed him dreadfully and, frankly, started to feel quite attached to him. Not uncommon I know - a fantasy relationship starts to form when there's distance etc.

He returned early Jan. But it wasn't quite the same. Not so different that it was shocking at first, but I could feel the plates had shifted.

We had a day together planned the day after he got back... he cut it slightly short, citing exhaustion. Totally fine.

Then I noticed he was not texting me in the mornings like he used to.
I felt a change in his tone. He seemed to be cooling. Then I noticed he was not making dates with me. He used to consistently ask to see me and make time for me.

Then we made plans for a Sunday together... I text him late Sat saying how much I was looking forward to it. And he didn't text back. Until 7pm Sunday. Saying he was so sorry but had been up late Saturday and then slept all day. I had arranged childcare!!

I didn't bother losing my temper, thought I would just see how things went. I would rather give him rope to hang himself iyswim. Just said oh, ok, yeah I would have liked to have seen you, what a shame.

Then I mentioned, in a text, that I was starting to feel worried about how he might feel about me, because he seemed to be cooling. He shrugged it off, actually typed "haha" as part of his response. I started to see the writing on the wall.

We saw each other on the Monday. Was nice. I text him goodnight and he didn't reply. OK...
Then no good morning text all Tuesday. I text him, thinking "well maybe I am being silly". Friendly but again, cool response.
Had tentative plans Wednesday. He text at lunchtime "did we confirm tonight? the weather is so good i might go and [play sport]".

I was slightly floored. Just said "Well I would love to see you. Up to you."
Him "I will let you know at 6" (we had plans for 7!!!!)
Later that day "oh turns out my best mate is leaving [his city] tonight, i have to drop everything to see him, would have had to nix our plans no matter what anyway"

At first I thought, well, he sees his mate once a year, fair enough.
Then I thought...This is 2 months in and I am being treated like an option. The mate thing is fine. The sport thing? Not so much.

The next day, Thursday, AGAIN no morning texting like we always used to. Which cemented my thoughts even more. He had just dropped me, he should have been trying to make it up to me!!

So I text, being very nice, just saying I didn't want to see him again, and wished him the very best.
He replied "well if that's really what you want, if you change your mind you know where I am" (Which to me says, yeah I am not that into you but if you want to have sex again let me know)
and shortly afterwards "I am confused, I don't want to end things".

I replied saying "I don't think you are really confused, I think it's quite clear that you want to put distance between us. I don't want that, so we are not going to be happy together."

No reply. Fair enough.

Beyond the obvious behaviour things, there have also always been signs with him that he wants to keep me (and I think everyone, really) at arm's length. I always noticed this about him and I assume he has issues of his own, which, of course, I can't help him with.

Am I wrong? My friend says that I am engaging in power struggles and didn't like that I didn't have the upper hand over this man, that I wanted him to chase me around etc.

But I was always very nice and accommodating of him. Always! For example he once cancelled on me due to illness and I absolutely didn't feel wronged by it... because he was nice about it and didn't make me feel like an option at that time!

Sorry so long.. didn't want to drip feed.

Nabootique Fri 15-Jan-16 15:52:43

No real advice but I am in a very similar boat at the moment so wanted to sympathise and watch with interest! Sorry you are going through this. It's so disappointing, isn't it?

beesandknees Fri 15-Jan-16 15:58:16

Hi Nabootique sorry you are having the same experience!! It's really disappointing you're right!

I honestly liked him so so much so it really hurt to break it off, but I felt the writing was on the wall so no point carrying on? I was hankering after the way he used to be, you can't base things on that though can you?

Friend thinks I overreacted... but I have been feeling neglected and sad since he got back, it's not right is it? Not at 2 months in?? Feel like I shouldn't have to beg/ "have a chat" just to get basic respect for my time...

pictish Fri 15-Jan-16 16:01:10

I think he's made it pretty clear he's no longer as interested as he was.

Personally it would have been game over at the, "he was so sorry but had been up late Saturday and then slept all day. I had arranged childcare!!" stage. That's a bloke he's really not arsed right there. Why you kept plugging on with it after that, I have no idea.

pictish Fri 15-Jan-16 16:01:51

who's not he's

Nabootique Fri 15-Jan-16 16:02:55

Yep, I hear you. Mine was texting all the time, always saying he was looking forward to seeing me, etc., and at the moment I barely hear from him. I tried saying look, I have no problem with you being a bit quiet (to be honest sometimes it's a bit much when at work!) but it's the dramatic shift in behaviour that makes me feel like something is wrong. He's basically told me not to be silly hmm Still trying to decide what to do, but in the meantime I'm just leaving him be.

Nabootique Fri 15-Jan-16 16:04:38

Mine does have a lot on, so I am trying to be understanding that someone could be a little distracted, and am just trying to get on with what I would normally do. He's only ever cancelled on me once though, and he was ill.

beesandknees Fri 15-Jan-16 16:04:51

pictish I agree, I was ready to end it right then but tbh was drawn back in by the apology and the effort he made to see me again the very next day.

also tbf that Sunday was literally just a few days ago... I think I needed a few days to accept that it was really pointless. Because I really didn't want it to be!

TheJiminyConjecture Fri 15-Jan-16 16:09:00

I think 2/3 months is a bit of a crunch time for new relationships. It's a time where the are we exclusive / do I want more/ can I be arsed/ is this too much like hard work? thoughts appear. I think you're at different stages, you say you're starting to like him. He doesn't seem to be in the same place.

MaisieDotes Fri 15-Jan-16 16:09:13

No, your friend is wrong. You did the right thing.

Move on and forget about him.

beesandknees Fri 15-Jan-16 16:11:40

Thank you Maisie. I think I just need to hear that from someone else. I was very secure in my decision and then when my friend questioned it, it made me feel really off balance for some reason.

pictish Fri 15-Jan-16 16:14:37

My decision would have been made at that stage. You'd had all the aloofness, cooling back, which was already telling you what you needed to know, then he stood you up with a terrible excuse.
Far too shabby for you I think.

beesandknees Fri 15-Jan-16 16:17:09

It's really shabby isn't it. I feel down about it.

I am glad that I ended it fairly quickly. I'm also glad I didn't talk to my friend before I broke it off with him, because she probably would have convinced me to let it go, or have an awkward conversation in which he didn't want to admit that he didn't like me as much anymore.

mellymoo22 Fri 15-Jan-16 16:17:18

YANBU, you've definitely made the right decision, gut feeling is rarely wrong. Who knows what happened while he was away but he's been using you as an option since.

Stick to your guns

pictish Fri 15-Jan-16 16:24:30

Yes, shabby is precisely what you were settling for with this one. I'm glad you were the one to finish it.

beesandknees Fri 15-Jan-16 16:28:20

Thanks melly.

I'm so glad I started this thread because I have a feeling he is going to contact me again and try to apologise and reel me back in, only to make me feel shit about myself again. I don't want to fall for it.

PeppermintPasty Fri 15-Jan-16 16:30:10

I think you did the right thing. Everything you have written in the op leads to the 'not that into you' conclusion. Well done on having good radar and good self esteem. Wish I'd done the same with my last relationship!

HandyWoman Fri 15-Jan-16 16:30:55

Does your friend have a history of rolling over and accepting crumbs in relationships?

Because you gave this man more than enough chances to prove how he felt about you. And how he felt is - Not That Into You in the end. You ended it and that was totally the right thing to do - good on you.

Any man who said he spent the day in bed for any reason other than flu or mega gastric bug would have me heading for the hills. But that's just me.

beesandknees Fri 15-Jan-16 16:36:06

Does your friend have a history of rolling over and accepting crumbs in relationships?

Hahaha. Well, thanks for reminding me to look at the whole picture. She actually really does... wow. Not sure why I didn't think of that at first.

Now that I think about it, she has a massive tendency to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men. So of course she would encourage me to accept "crumbs" as you put it.

OK... I am starting to be convinced that I did do the right thing. It is hard, because he was so so lovely in the beginning and I would have loved to have spent all my time and attention on that version of him. But what counts is how he was in the end, which was someone who was treating me shabbily.

SquareRootOf314 Fri 15-Jan-16 16:37:52

your friend is being unreasonable.

she expects you to remain on the side lines, the bit part in his play, scrambling around for whatever bone you're flung.

I think you're right to get out.

LookAtMeGo Fri 15-Jan-16 16:59:19

I think you were TOO accommodating tbh. I would not have messaged that it's a shame and I would have liked to see him after he blew you out when you had arranged childcare.

I also wouldn't have mentioned that I was worried that he might be cooling off. His response to that was rubbish and then you went on to accept him backing out of plans to play sport/see his long lost friend.

I certainly wouldn't be engaging in anymore dialogue along the lines of 'we obviously want different things' in the hope that that will prolong things. Cut your losses and move on.

stumblymonkey Fri 15-Jan-16 17:15:52

FWIW....I paid a fair amount of money for 1-2-1 with a dating coach. She was amazing and 13 months later I'm TTC with my DP grin

Anyway....she would have said to talk it over with him, face-to-face ideally before you call it off. Talk about it in a totally non-blaming way but also make your expectations/standards very clear. You can then have an adult conversation about it and can tell so much more through a F2F conversation than texts.

My DP went through a cool(er) period with me and I followed this advice and he opened up to me that his past couple of relationships he had been keen and then it hadn't worked out so he was trying to play it cool because he really liked me. Not saying this is what is going on in all cases (I had 42 first dates before meeting DP and met my fair share of arses) but until you have a grown up conversation you're really just trying to read his mind...

wintersocks Fri 15-Jan-16 17:17:04

Another vote for you being right, definitely. I agree you were too accommodating though towards the end - value yourself and expect them to as well, so if someone wastes your time I think it's ok to be a bit off with them, or if they say I might play a sport instead I'd say well I've made other plans now then forget it or whatever.

justatoe1 Fri 15-Jan-16 17:18:55

Your friend is wrong...well done for taking control & ending a relationship that wasn't working for you.
I think that 3 months is a turning point in relationships (especially with men but then I haven't dated any women) and a big cool off can happen.

blindsider Fri 15-Jan-16 17:23:13

Haven't read the whole thread but if a guy is into you, you will know about it. (or certainly should do)

I think you have done the right thing.

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