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Is he gaslighting me?

(51 Posts)
808states Fri 15-Jan-16 15:12:38

We've been together for eight months in a long(ish) distance relationship and his behavior often has me confused. The main thing being that I feel he is very full on and then very distant and so the bond between us seems to remain at a constant instead of growing. I feel in a permanent state of holiday romance.

When he is on he is great and we get on great and then he makes the train to see me and calls every day and is Mr Attentive and then when he is off he goes very quiet and I mean to the point where 4 - 5 times I have actually thought I was being ghosted and our relationship was over.

I have raised it multiple times with him, and we'd just gotten to the point where we'd discussed it a lot and he said he'd learned from it and would not do it to me anymore and then he did it again. Literally within days of talking about it and saying he wouldn't.

So when I sent him a message to say "you're doing it again" he replied saying he was so sorry, had been really busy, and then what really pissed me off was he sent me a message that said:

"I am so sorry babe. Don't read into it, I am just really stressed out and busy. Don't overthink".

then an hour later....(after I ignored first message)

"you sure do overthink".

I feel like he agreed not to do something anymore, continued to do it, and then tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me for being bothered?

No, he is not that busy. I know for a fact he is just not making time and acting not interested and then next week he will act mad about me again.

Catpants123 Fri 15-Jan-16 15:18:51

I've got one like this. My theory is it's the sex. When they're horny, they're all over you. After they've seen you, they are quiet and calm for a while then it all fires up again until the next time.

Now you've brought his attention to it, I think he should be keeping in touch more as he knows how you feel about it.

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 15:22:30

Yes!!!!! That's exactly what it is.

Doesn't that mean they don't care about you and just want sex though???

pocketsaviour Fri 15-Jan-16 15:30:56

Well the literal definition of gas-lighting is when someone does something on purpose with the aim of making you think you're going insane. That doesn't seem to be what this guy is doing - he just seems to be crap at keeping in touch unless motivated by horniness.

I have to say his texts have a whiff of "What are you worried about, I want to keep banging you, stop demanding an emotional involvement from me" iykwim?

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 15:32:30

Yes that's how his texts feel. But to say I am overthinking is really unfair. I am asking him to meet agreed terms of behavior and he's twisting it round to make me appear needy. Which I'm not!!!

munkynutts Fri 15-Jan-16 16:01:55

When he goes silent is it full on ignoring you? How long do these periods of silence last?

Annarose2014 Fri 15-Jan-16 16:08:05

No I don't think that it's gas lighting. What it is is "out of sight, out of mind".

He's possibly someone who gets a.massive buzz out of meeting up. Hence the attentiveness. But afterwards the buzz diminishes and you go to the back of his mind.

Doubt there's much future there tbh.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 15-Jan-16 16:09:33

It does sound like he doesn't care how it makes you feel.

So "don't overthink it babe" means "I don't care this upsets you and I don't want to be criticised for it".

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 16:26:05

He doesn't ignore me, as in he replies to texts but he can take a while to read them whereas when he is in active mode he reads them right away. It's more like he doesn't continue the conversation or say goodnight or call me. It's like being given the cold shoulder.

I do feel like he doesn't care at all how it makes me feel.

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 16:27:31

In active mode he will phone me every night for a couple of hours - so it's very noticable when the cold wind blows and I have felt like I am being driven mad. It's almost as if he switches me on and off and in the off times I don't even know what he's doing. He even stops telling me what he's up to that day or asking about me.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 15-Jan-16 16:33:05

It's cruel. And weird. And on his schedule without any regard for you.

You can't change him so you have to decide if that's all you feel you're worth.

Sparkletastic Fri 15-Jan-16 16:34:00

Could he be seeing someone else as well? I have a friend in a relationship where she shares the bloke on a part-time basis. She isn't bothered as not up for anything serious but he's engaged to the other girl who knows nothing about my friend. shock

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 16:34:13

This is how it feels. I feel like the first date is being played out over and over again in an endless loop. It's like he distances himself to the point where our bond is almost completely gone by being distance for a week or two (longest has been three weeks) and then just as I have given up and thought about even moving on, he contacts me saying how much he misses me and can't wait to see me and then he is phoning every minute, opening up all about himself and asking questions about me and acting like the honeymoon period all over again. He makes the train to come and stay for a few days then leaves and repeats the cycle all over again.

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 16:36:40

I don't know if he's seeing someone else or not. I often feel he is messaging someone else. Whatsapp shows the times someone is online and I notice that when he is in active mode the only time he is ever online is to talk to me and then he's always offline but when he's in a cold spell (and claiming to be busy) he is online but not talking to me at all so much be talking to someone and it seems late at night so wondered if it might be at least texting someone else. In other ways he is pretty open social media wise about seeing me. I do feel a bit paranoid though because it's so weird.

Sparkletastic Fri 15-Jan-16 16:38:49

Hmmm I'd trust your instincts. Maybe it's best to get out before you get too hung up on him?

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 16:40:55

I think psychologically he's had me stuck in this awful loop of having two weeks of amazing and then two weeks of hell and so during the hell part I am worrying what I have done wrong and how I can sort it and then have been almost grateful and relieved when he's gone back to normal.

I am feeling now like after we had that big talk now and I explained how it was a big turn off for me that maybe I am sick of it now. I don't think he cares at all how I feel.

Sparkletastic Fri 15-Jan-16 16:42:27

The very best interpretation is that he is thoughtless and not as keen on you as you are on him. You deserve better.

rosyvalentine Fri 15-Jan-16 16:53:26

Hi 808. I have experience of similar with DP (we've been together a year). Agree with Catpants re sex to some extent. Is your guy a Gemini by any chance? Mine is and he has a very strong desire for freedom and personal space. I also think his behaviour is partly down to a fear of commitment. Could this be possible in your scenario?

DollyTwat Fri 15-Jan-16 17:12:04

Was he single for a while before he met you?
I could be a bit like this not meaning to be, mostly because I'm not in the habit of texting someone all the time

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Fri 15-Jan-16 17:48:48

I had one of these, OP - sorry but I don't think the relationship has a future. It's all about him and what he wants flowers

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 17:48:51

Yes he was single for a while before me but that's not what it is. He's permanently texting but not to me.

No rosy, he's a Scorpio. I know everyone thinks that's rubbish but I actually did a course in astrology s have done his chart and he's basically got almost every planet in Scorpio. He's as Scorpio as they come.

I messaged him a bit about it just now and he said that honestly nothing was wrong and that he'd not had any sex drive this week and was still sore from our last night together- as if that's the only reason to speak to me.

Annarose2014 Fri 15-Jan-16 17:51:35

I'm perplexed as to why you haven't dumped him by now tbh. It's been only 8 months and long distance and very erratic so he lifts right out of your life.

He's a head wrecker. Why bother?

808states Fri 15-Jan-16 17:54:54

when it's good it's very very good.

And at first i thought it was new relationship stuff and would change as we got closer.

we never do get closer though

PamDooveOrangeJoof Fri 15-Jan-16 18:01:31

An ex of mine used to do his but one day admitted that he would get my emails/texts and sit on replying on purpose.
Even though I knew that's what he did, as soon as he admitted it, it took the worry out of it for me and just made him seem pathetic.
Every time I sent him something I'd just imagine him waiting long enough to reply, which just seemed a bit sad!!

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 15-Jan-16 18:12:06

"during the hell part I am worrying what I have done wrong and how I can sort it and then have been almost grateful and relieved when he's gone back to normal."
And that's just the way he wants you to be - grateful, relieved, and ultimately MALLEABLE. All this on-off business - it's a total mindfuck. Why are you letting him do this? You told him you didn't like it, he agreed not to do it again, he did it again, you pointed it out and he accused you of 'overthinking'. (You didn't overthink it, by the way.) Rather than just point it out, you should have followed it up with 'and because of that you are dumped. You were warned and you didn't listen'.

It doesn't matter how good it is when he's 'on'. What matters is that you get two weeks of hell every month when he's 'off'. And the relationship will only ever tread water. Dump him, he's a wast of time.

And yes, I think he almost certainly is 'on' with someone else when he's 'off' with you. Sorry.

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