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More - Desperate help needed

(34 Posts)
dadneedshelp72 Fri 15-Jan-16 14:51:50

Ty for taking the time to read my post

I posted a thread earlier this week "desperate help needed" , and I received several really helpful responses.

I took the advice and I have been trying harder to give my wife "space"
I have only been texting once a day as originally agreed with her.
( I did have one lapse when there was a LOT of black ice and I text her
" be safe " - to which she later replied i'm at work and ok )

I then decided that I wasn't being fair and perhaps I should just cut all contact for now as she was just replying " yes/ no / ok " to whatever I wrote in my texts.

So yesterday the 14th I did not text her all day I was quite proud of myself and I began to focus more on my daughter and myself.
I had a good evening and did lots of positive things.

Then at lunchtime today I had a text asking " Do you think you will be able to bring over x,y and z next week please "

The text had one kiss at the end.

I looked in my history - sad I know and she had not put a text on the last 15 texts.

My immediate reaction was to text straight back " yes of course "
but I didn't. I thought no I will just text her at 18:00 ish as I had been doing before.

I then received a 2nd text exactly 1 hour later saying
" You ok, or are you not talking to me at all ? "

So I then began to type a response, but before I had drafted it my phone rang and it was my wife.

She then proceeded to ask me the same thing again, and we had a conversation approx. 15 / 20 minutes.

during this she stated that can cope with us texting once a day, but is not ready to meet me " at the moment "
( since the week before Christmas we had been seeing each other once a week at her suggestion )

I then sent her my drafted text

" i'm ok. i'm just trying to respect your request to text less.
I've only just seen your last 2 texts. i'm happy to bring over
your books one day next week just let me know "

I'm now more confused than ever. I was trying to let her have her space and also let myself gain some perspective

Is her wanting me to text once a day positive ?
Does "at the moment" - really mean that ?
its SO hard to get context from a text message / phone call when you cant see facial expression

when i'm more " centered " I know its a 10% chance we may get back together and that its more likely she is just pacifying me for now,

then something like this happens and it makes a small spark of hope and sets my emotions racing

comments / suggestions please

bendybrickpumpkinpatch Fri 15-Jan-16 14:53:59

In my opinion it sounds like she's keeping you dangling.

dadneedshelp72 Fri 15-Jan-16 14:58:59

ty - bendy

Please can you be more specific, I can take it - hopefully

pocketsaviour Fri 15-Jan-16 15:38:06

She is keeping you in your box for when she wants something. The longer she can keep you hanging in there hoping you get back together, the longer she can keep doing shit like asking you to bring her stuff.

She may also be waiting to see whether a new relationship (for her) will work out.

If you're still texting her once a day, it's becoming more obvious why you're still in bits and not recovering. You're stretching this out instead of letting the relationship die a natural death.

Why did you tell her you'd run her errand for her?

Hissy Fri 15-Jan-16 15:48:00

Hold on...

No body boots away a relationship because a bloke isn't as supportive as he could be, or neglects the decorative order of a house...

Either you are not telling the full story, or she isn't.

dadneedshelp72 Fri 15-Jan-16 15:54:02

ty Pocket

ty - hissy, I suspect she has someone else - I HOPE she doesn't

Hissy Fri 15-Jan-16 16:17:18

Tbh love, it's what sprang to mind here too.

So step back. Let her see how much you contribute to her life.

She wants books?she knows where to get them.

Don't be nasty, that's not you, but just be vague and Unsure and say she's more than welcome to come and get them

She's not going to miss what she's losing if you keep having around on her every whim... Especially if she has some other buggered on a string.

You got a reaction when ou didn't text ONCE.

So stop texting, be unavailable, make her sit and wonder wtf you are up to without her.

If she wakes up and comes back, win.

If she buggers off, win too, because you deserve better.

You actually can't lose in this... You see this?

dadneedshelp72 Fri 15-Jan-16 16:30:36

ty - hissy

When im relaxed I know your right

but it is difficult

Hissy Fri 15-Jan-16 21:00:11

Of course I'm right... This is the Internet! Nobody's ever wrong on the Internet!!

grin

I know how scary it is to let go, but actually it's the only way to potentially get what you want, and if it doesn't work out, it gets you what you need.

You are panicking because you fear bein abandoned or left.

But what is the alternative? Hang on in there and she's possibly shagging someone else?

I despair at times. I see all manner of couples talking to each other like shit, even those who ARE together. It's not supposed to be like this. These are people we love! Why talk to them like you just stepped in something?

She's told you to leave her alone somehow. She's not even remotely concerned about your feelings and isn't wanting to see you much at all.

Take her at her word and stop this pull me push you crap.

You spent a day not talking to her and felt fine. So try 2.

If she chases you up, leave it a while and say, sorry, was out, didn't see your texts or whatever, stop being so available.

Risk it, as I said you can't lose.

And if she is cheating, dump her arse and never ever look back.

Your dignity will grow, your confidence and esteem.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 15-Jan-16 21:03:31

She's definitely playing with you.

You back off, as she wants, and then she comes running as doesn't like the lack of attention.

dadneedshelp72 Fri 15-Jan-16 22:45:10

Hissy - ty you have made me smile for no apparent reason for the first time in a while

Awesome - ty - Time will tell I guess

hownottofuckup Fri 15-Jan-16 22:48:58

Sounds like she doesn't want you, but isn't ready to let go of you yet. Horrible position for you to be in. You need boundaries!

Hissy Fri 15-Jan-16 23:09:35

You should smile more, with your Dc, it will help you feel better smile

Glad I helped a bit smile

dadneedshelp72 Fri 15-Jan-16 23:11:28

ty - HowNotTo

The question for me is -
Does she not want me now or
does she not want me ever ?
Yes its horrible - when I was widowed I used to mock people that said
" Divorce is worse than bereavement " - now i'm beginning to understand
I DONT think it is worse but I now see why they say it :-(

Boundaries - yes i'm trying really hard to stick to what she asked,
and then she throws me completely by sidestepping them

hownottofuckup Fri 15-Jan-16 23:26:49

smile I mean you need to make your own boundaries to protect yourself

The thing with whether she changes her mind, is whether you will then be happy to pick up the reigns with what you have then, which won't be the same as what you had before. It's never the same.

dadneedshelp72 Sat 16-Jan-16 00:22:00

Howto - explain re boundaries for protecting myself - Sorry brain is foggy

I know it will never be the same :-(

JerryFerry Sat 16-Jan-16 08:39:50

Yeah I think she's comfortable with having you at her beck and call, presumably it was the dynamic of your relationship.

The only power you have in changing this is to work out your boundaries and try to stick to them e.g. email contact only unless emergency
No running errands for her

In a nutshell, be unavailable and use the time you would have spent worrying about her to start building your own life.

It doesn't sound as you have a lot of self respect but it will come if you work out your boundaries and start sticking to them.

When you are stronger it may be that you do favours for each other but right now it is going to lead to conflict.

dadneedshelp72 Mon 18-Jan-16 14:14:32

Well I survived the weekend with NC, but it is causing me a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute i'm fine the next I cant stop crying and the urge to text her becomes SO strong. - I have resisted since that "last" Friday text.

luckily I had a day without my daughter so could sob on Saturday when needed. Daughter and I had a lovely relaxed father daughter day on Sunday just pottering. - I only had 1 meltdown with her on Sunday

Daughter ignored her S.O all day ! it was a miracle

Today i'm back to work and barely holding on :-(

I know when I'm calm that I can just wait, as she wants x,y and z
from "our" house but it does hurt

dadneedshelp72 Mon 18-Jan-16 14:54:20

She's just text me to say what day for the stuff - deep breaths I can wait till 18:00 to reply I know I can :-(

biscuitz72 Mon 18-Jan-16 15:06:15

You could always tell her that you're busy (something's come up) and if she wants her stuff she'll have to come and collect it herself (but that's just what I'd do). Seriously though, don't be at her beck and call so much. Back off and let her see what she'll be missing if the separation becomes permanent.

You're doing well, you can hold out! It will get easier.

hownottofuckup Mon 18-Jan-16 15:06:55

OK boundaries to protect yourself (bare in mind I have totally failed at this myself!)
Things like,
Only communicate re child care/collecting stuff etc. No chats.
Maintain your own space, I.e your house, which you appear to be doing which is good.
Make your own plans and stick with them, don't cancel plans or go running should she beckon.
Under no circumstances allow yourself at any point to become her emotional support, a shoulder to cry on, don't even lend an ear.
Basically, distance yourself as much as you possibly can. And then distance yourself some more.
Any chance you can afford a bit of counselling? I go every other week and have a slightly reduced rate, many counsellors are happy to negotiate. Have a Google, it's helped me rebuild by self-esteem.

dadneedshelp72 Mon 18-Jan-16 15:10:18

biscuit - ty
HowNotTo - ty

both good responses - when im rational

im worried too much distance will mean we will never be able to repair our relationship

Hissy Mon 18-Jan-16 15:58:45

The answer is

"Let me know when you want to pick it up and if I'm not around for any reason, I can leave it somewhere for you"

You don't have to make her life easy. If she wants something badly enough, she'll come back for it won't she.

If it's not important, she won't.

But you running around after her will show her that she doesn't have to decide or treat anyone with respect of their time etc.

Do you see what I'm saying here? smile

Hissy Mon 18-Jan-16 16:02:59

Oh and BE RATIONAL.... smile

You can be sad but still in control of your responses and reactions. This is your life to live the way that makes you happy.

I can't tell you how great you will feel when you've freed yourself of relationships with manipulative and controlling people, when you realise how nice life is without worrying about the whims and foibles of others.

She is taking you for a mug, seriously. If you stood up for yourself more it would (a) make her realise that you're not her pet and (b) stand you in great stead as a partner of someone who IS worthwhile.

It'll help with parenting too tbh.

dadneedshelp72 Mon 18-Jan-16 16:05:58

Hissy - she still has keys so she could pick it up anytime she wanted
for example when i'm at work.

ive resisted so far ( she text at 14:30 )

lets hope that she DOESNT phone so I can text her at 18:00 ish

the problem is that I would like to see her, I know i'm only wounding myself, and its slim that we will repair things but I still love her

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