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First solicitor meeting - advice?

(9 Posts)
Isaintheshop Fri 15-Jan-16 10:06:04

Off to see my solicitor on Mon to talk about separation. Have posted a fair bit on MN but with another username. DH continues to stalk me on MN so an all new user name changed from my usual posting name. Essentially unreasonable behaviour, to the point of ticking things on the emotional abuse lists (though not all) and some pretty significant attempts at financial control even though we both earn well and own 2 houses - the family house where I +DS (2) live all the time, close to my work, and DH's flat 3 hrs away where he stays a few nights a week some weeks for work. We're married. Big problems with him actually parenting - never does any night waking, rarely changes a nappy, has left DS in one wet nappy all day, forgets to give him anything to drink, I could go on but its all old. Essentially he refuses to engage about our problems with sulking for weeks. At Christmas on the last row I was very calm and said "this is no way to live, we must end this, it is harming and hurting DS if nothing else" told me he refuses to get divorced.
First solicitor appointment I could get is Mon. I have to bring details of finance and proof of address. What else should I be prepared with? Should I be telling her about my concerns for DS? I don;t think it would be at all good for him to be doing overnights regularly (and in fact next Fri will be my first night away from him in 2 years and I'm really worried DH won't comfort him when he cries and will just get cross with him.)
By the by DS has been a terrible sleeper for his 2 years mainly due to bad eczema and allergies, we've had to co-sleep to get any sanity and I'm still BFing. I think DH thinks this is evidence of my totally unreasonable behaviour.

HandyWoman Fri 15-Jan-16 12:07:39

solicitors are £150-200 per hour. A counsellor is £50 per hour. It makes financial sense not to confuse the two. Solicitor doesn't need to be involved in the emotional fallout.

The needs of your breastfeeding 2yo be taken into account. Including the need for a relationship with his Dad.

Right now your priority is to arm your solicitor with details of all your financial affairs, mortgages, property values, pensions for both of you, savings held by both of you.

You need to let solicitor know that he is not expected to go quietly. So you will need to know whether you feel you can strike up a good enough relationship with this solicitor, because s/he is going to need to communicate on your behalf from now on.

Listen, take advice, assess whether this solicitor is the one for you.

And get a counsellor for the rest.

Isaintheshop Fri 15-Jan-16 13:13:36

Really good advice thank you. I've used the firm when we bought our house, and the divorce partner has been recommended by a divorcing colleague! Meant to say we're in Scotland in case it makes a difference
Sadly I actually think divorcing will improve the relationship Ds has with his dad - at the minute they really have minimal meaningful contact apart from a bit of playing here and there, certainly have rarely been out together to a playpark etc, maybe the odd trip to Tesco when I've been oncall.

There have been the usual threats of "I'll make sure I get full custody" from DH when we've argued before but I keep reminding myself even with my job (hospital consultant) I won't get less than 50%.

12purpleapples Fri 15-Jan-16 16:50:36

If he has so little meaningful contact and can't cope with nappies he is unlikely to really want full custody.
Good luck with it all flowers

Isaintheshop Sat 16-Jan-16 09:52:49

Thank you. Sadly he thinks two weekend mornings every 5 weeks while I am in work is doing me a massive favour. After reading a few thread here I realised I had no childfree time when not at work unless DS was asleep, and he's now dropping his nap. I've signed up for Sat am pilates but that apparently is evidence of my selfishness. He also told my mum I;d had "loads of nights out" - 3 since he was born!!!!
Is there any clever way to find out about his pensions without asking him? He's a very closed book with his money, but always desperate to know every in and out of mine.

HandyWoman Sat 16-Jan-16 10:00:32

The best way to get the finances out in the open is to initiate divorce proceedings. The judge will be looking for full disclosure to sign off a fair settlement. Your H will need to contact his pension provider to get the 'cash equivalent transfer value' of his pension. But this is what your solicitor is for.

I would work on improving your support network of friends/family/babysitters and start getting a bit of balance in your life.

Isaintheshop Sat 16-Jan-16 10:05:44

Thank you. Mum and best friend know, and am visiting her for first night out overnight in 2 years on fri. Best friend might be able to move up for 6 months to help the transition while I find a nanny and work out cover for nights on call......
This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done but I cannot live with someone how frankly has contempt for me and expects me to be a full time housewife/childcarer and also work a fulltime responsible job.

12purpleapples Sat 16-Jan-16 11:57:42

Do you have any local support for finding help with childcare, until you can get a nanny? Are there any nurseries with extended hours in your city?

Isaintheshop Sun 17-Jan-16 08:54:36

Sadly not much help locally but I have made some friends at work who might help me out rather than see me stuck. Its a fairly small town and I think I'm in one of the few nurseries that opens early enough so I can get to work at 8 (well 8:05) -I think when I looked before if the nursery opened till 6 it didn't usually open till 8. Still, worth another look.
Stressful times.

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