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Help please

(26 Posts)
Lostatsea1987 Fri 15-Jan-16 08:49:07 start with I'm having such trouble thinking what to type it's difficult to put into words. I LOVE my wife but I'm not in love with my wife anymore. We've been married now for only 4 years but been together for 11 and have a 2 y/o son who we adore. My problem is like I say I'm just not I love with her anymore. For many years I've craved something different, someone who's outgoing and fun. My wife is fun in a different way which I like but not the way I really want. My problems have been going on for years mainly since she decided she hated having sex. Sex is like a chore to her, if it has to be done lets get it over with and for me being a man its a big thing. Our sex life is crap the only time I thought things were getting better was when we tried for our first. It was great happened all the time but since then 3 years ago when we conceived I could count the amount on my hands and feet. She's also very prim and proper so there's nothing exciting happening and everything is straight forward nothing new happens and she's not open to trying different things. My head is a complete mess because I've had these thoughts for the past few months and then my dad passed away just before Christmas. She was supportive at first and then my thoughts were put to one side and then forgotten about. I have never been able to tell her about anything my fears, my worries, anything that's going on in my head. Over the new year one of my sisters friends kissed me, at first I stopped her but then I just let it happen. My problem is I enjoyed it so much and I just don't feel guilty over it. It made me feel the happiest I've been in a long time. I do love my wife but not the way I should and feel as though we just exist living our own lives but under the same roof. I earn more than my wife but I'm unable to spend anything on myself even when I've worked 100 extra hours in a month so I can do so. I just feel as though I need something, I want something different! I think I let the kiss happen because she's the idea of a perfect woman in my eyes I just don't know how to approach my wife without her coming at me with a kitchen knife. I don't want to cheat and I dread the day I ever upset her to the point of crying but I just can't take it anymore.
Any help would be amazing

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 08:55:31

Ok there seem to be a lot of issues going on here aside from the sex. Has your wife actually come at you with a kitchen knife?

pocketsaviour Fri 15-Jan-16 09:10:23

As per Gobbo - has your wife been physically abusive to you? Or threatened to do so?

Lostatsea1987 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:14:14

Only jokingly in the past if I 'ever did anything wrong' but I just can't bare to see her upset and basically I don't think I have the balls to tell her I want something different which is why I'm so low at the moment. I just plod along with a smile on my face as if nothing's wrong when deep down I have all of theses feelings and emotions

QuiteLikely5 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:22:00

I think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her everything that you told us.

Of course she will be upset but she needs to hear things from your perspective.

When we don't share our gripes you are not giving the other person a shot at putting things right. That much they deserve.

Of course it was exciting kissing the other woman but just remover the grass isn't always greener on the other side but greener where you water it

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:22:29

Going by your username, I assume you've been together since you were very young. I would say the grass may seem greener but it's usually not...this woman you see as the perfect woman certainly isn't. You just haven't discovered all her flaws by living with her for years. It's normal to fancy other people on occasion without there actually being much wrong with your marriage, but it sounds like you are frustrated in yours.
I would forget about her and decide whether your marriage is worth working on or if you'd rather not be in it any more.
It also depends how your wife sees your marriage and what, if anything, she wants to work on.

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:24:42

I personally wouldn't mention the attraction but I would sit down and chat through your issues. Just don't he surprised if your spouse doesn't immediately agree. For example, any extra cash my husband earns also goes straight into the family pot because it's desperately needed. He is in agreement with that but if he wasn't, I'd be angry.

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:27:46

Not saying that reflects your situation...just that you can expect her views to differ somewhat from yours.

Lostatsea1987 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:38:37

My wife would see it as perfect and is wanting another baby but as I say being a man and also feeling like a great big s**t house I don't have the balls to tell her anything. I don't know how to convey my thoughts into a way that wouldn't upset her. I completely understand the ideal woman and not knowing her flaws but something just keeps me thinking about her and everything else other than my wife and money wise I it everything into the joint pot I want my son to have everything he needs and for everything in the house to be perfect but I'd occasionally like to buy myself something. I barely go out I don't buy clothes I don't have any expensive hobbies I have no life so when I've worked extra hard to treat myself and then I'm told like a child that I can't have something. We've been together since I was 17 and her 18

YouAreMyRain Fri 15-Jan-16 09:39:26

Why are you unable to spend money on yourself?

YouAreMyRain Fri 15-Jan-16 09:41:16

The thing that sticks out for me is that you can't tell her how you feel.

That's really sad and emotionally very unhealthy for a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Would you say that you feel like you are walking on egg shells around her?

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:44:05

If you can't tell her how you feel, you may as well leave. I'd recommend trying to start telling her, though, even if it's just something small. Why do you think she'd get upset?

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 09:44:50

And I second Rain, why can't you spend anything on yourself? Has she actually said you can't?

YouAreMyRain Fri 15-Jan-16 09:49:57

I think a lot needs to change to make this relationship work. Would she consider couples counselling?

Joysmum Fri 15-Jan-16 09:52:55

Absolutely, communication is the key here.

You need to consider if your marriage as it stands is enough for you. If it isnt and you see no chance of it changing, you need to seperate rather than becoming a man that sees an unfulfilling marriage as license to cheat.

If your marriage isn't acceptable enough to be for life, work out what needs to change and what your baseline standard is.

You need to talk to your wife and encourage to talk and then listen. You love her but it's not enough and things could be better and you want it to be. What can you both do to make it better. This is when you get to gauge if you can salvage a marriage worth having.

If you can't communicate your marriage has no hope and you are in damages of becoming embittered and a cunt that feels entitle to cheat because his wife doesn't understand him!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 15-Jan-16 09:54:27

Well I think you need to get out - ultimately.
But... you could try to work on things first.
Would she agree to counselling?
You need to let her know how you feel and why.
You should certainly be able to have a hobby and you should certainly be able to buy yourself clothes.
What you describe with regards to money is basically financial abuse by her.
It doesn't sound good and you sound very unhappy.
Life is way too short to spend with someone like this.

Lostatsea1987 Fri 15-Jan-16 10:11:46

Walking on eggs shells definitely. I think she'd get upset because in my eyes I'm such a posotive person just the past few months it's been a fraud and I've been putting it on. I've just never been able to tell her anything because that's the way I am. Find it hard to tell anyone how I feel hence why I'm talking to a load of stranger. Btw thank you for taking the time to answer me. I don't know if I'd agree to counselling I think she'd be heart broken and distraught at the thought of anything even being slightly wrong in our marriage. Joysmum I have no intention of cheating it's not me. I'd say I'm a traditional man in a way I keep my mouth shut and everything family wise as happy as I can. Money wise her money covers her part of the bills and I pay my part and the food the fuel anything our son needs and for anything else too. I don't buy clothes because I don't really need any but when I want something I feel as though I have to ask can I spend my hard earned cash on something for me for a change. I pretty much always get a no unless it's something she would like aswell.
Thank you everyone for your views.

Solongtoshort Fri 15-Jan-16 10:12:28

I think if you start a conversation up about not being happy you may be supprised that she isn't either then you could work on being happy togeather. Don't let the kiss cloud your relationship, as other posters have said the grass is not always greener. Plus you have the grief of the loss of your father going on aswell, as you said she was supportive so she obviously loves you. It's hard having a child, What was life like before your child? Is living with your child not worth upsetting your wife in the hope your relationship can be salvaged? . If you try at least you can say you tried, if you can't try you can't complain when you don't see your child as often as you want. If you try and it doesn't work then I agree that you should not be togeather, but please don't just give up.

The fear of doing something is much scarier than actully doing it.

AgathaF Fri 15-Jan-16 10:22:33

It doesn't really sound as though you have much left between you to work on. However, if you want to continue to give it a go, and since communication is obviously a big problem, how about writing her a letter explaining how you feel and what positive steps you feel you could both take to improve things. Hopefully it would kick off the conversations that you so desperately need to have.

On the money side, does she spend money on herself without consulting you? Does she go out? Do you go out together at all? Is there any aspect of your life with her that is fun and that could be built on here?

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 10:23:37

The thing is, if there are these problems, she is going to have to face up to them at some point. With the best will in the world, no one should have to be in a situation where they take on all the pain and worry in a relationship and their partner doesn't take on any. As far as you know, thus is where you are at the minute. It's hurting you, and it's not sustainable, because you'll feel resentful and angry and end up wanting to be with someone else.

If you don't talk, either you have a sham relationship, you cheat or you leave. The best case scenario is leave...and you're not telling me she won't be upset if you end the relationship when she thought all was going well.

You need to talk, either so things can get better or you can end things without it coming like a bolt from the blue to her.

Joysmum Fri 15-Jan-16 13:21:05

Whether you intend to cheat or not, you already have.

Being brutally honest here but if you can't communicate and have no intentions of changing (which clearly you don't going by your post rejecting counselling or talking to your wife) then you are being a complete cunt to your wife when you can't even say you're not happy and are keeping alive her hopes of having another baby. Surely you can see that?

pocketsaviour Fri 15-Jan-16 13:28:09

OP, why do you think you find it so difficult to express your emotions in the marriage? Do you feel the same way with everyone - for example are you able to open up to your mum or sister, or to friends, or were you able to with your dad?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 15-Jan-16 13:47:55

You've known your dw for 11 years for many of which you've "craved something different, someone who's outgoing and fun". In addition, your issues with your dw "have been going on for years mainly since she decided she hated having sex".

Yet you chose to marry her 4 years ago and go on to have a dc with her? Did you sleepwalk into the marriage in the hope that it would solve your problems, or did you go along with it because you didn't want to be responsible for making her cry?

I'd very much like to read your dw's take on your marriage and, in particular, your sex life, but as that's not possible all I can say is ffs grow a pair and sort this out before you give in to her desire to have another dc.

Gobbolino6 Fri 15-Jan-16 13:56:37

I also feel that, if your wife is in blissful ignorance of your problems with the marriage, it's perfectly possible she has issues with it too and has just failed to communicate them to you.

12purpleapples Fri 15-Jan-16 16:53:26

I agree. From what you have said it sounds perfectly possible that you are both unhappy. Being able to communicate about that, if it is the case, will help you both move forward towards either working on this or ending it.

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