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Think I'm gay but not sure

(23 Posts)
ninanina1234 Thu 14-Jan-16 17:32:09

I just want to get some impartial advise really. I've been with my male partner for 6 years, we have a home together. I love him, but I feel unfulfilled. Sexually it is okay, good at the beginning but not really for the last 4 years. I'm now 27, and as I have gotten older my feelings and fantasies about women have grown. They have always been there but I didnt care so much when I was younger, I was having fun, but now I am older they seem to have got more intense and I find myself obsessing about them. I've never been with a women and there are people I like but no one in particular and I haven't been in a position to experiment. I really would like to, but i'm nervous and scared. I also hate myself as I love my partner and he is so important to me and my best friend. We get on so well in every other way it makes me feel sad that sexually I am not attracted to him (kissing and cuddling fine). I didnt think that was the be all and end all of a relationship but feeling unsatisfied + my unexplored feelings towards women is slowly driving me mad. I feel panicky, anxious and sad a lot of the time. Has anyone been through something similar? I feel like I need to act on my feelings, move out and be alone, but I don't want to throw away what is aside this a great relationship.

rumred Thu 14-Jan-16 18:14:50

I think counselling might be useful to help you sort through your feelings.
Have you talked to any friends about this?

PushingThru Thu 14-Jan-16 19:31:43

I think if you're not sexually attracted to your partner, you should leave this relationship. This would be the right advice irrespective of your attraction to women. Explore your sexuality from a place of freedom. Don't listen to the inevitable advice that often follows in these scenarios of cheating on your partner or involving him in sexual fantasies, which amount to little more than a sexist homophobic viewpoint that relationships between women can be a little side dish to a primary straight relationship. Good luck. X

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Thu 14-Jan-16 19:37:05

If you're not sexually attracted to your partner, then you don't have a great relationship and should end it. It would be very very wrong of you to cheat on your partner with a woman. Once you have ended your current relationship you will be free to explore your sexuality.

Glitterbauble Thu 14-Jan-16 19:42:54

Only you know how you really feel here so it's hard to advise, imo if you have to question 'am I gay' there's a good chance you might be I don't think straight women think about this. I had the same doubts and I left a relationship of 11 years to figure it out and I found yes I am gay. I'm now in a relationship with a women and I feel so compete now, nobody can answer this for you, my advise would be take the space you need to figure this out for yourself.

pocketsaviour Thu 14-Jan-16 19:50:05

I think to be fair to your partner, you need to be honest and say to him you aren't sexually attracted to him and you think you might be gay.

The thing is - even if you find you aren't gay, or you're bi and fancy both, you do know that you definitely DON'T find sex with your partner fulfilling. Even if you go out and play the other team for a bit and then say "Nah I guess I'm straight", you're not going to magically start being attracted to your current partner.

I think you have to finish things and give both of yourselves a chance to find someone who you're sexually compatible with.

dejarderoncar Thu 14-Jan-16 20:07:06

whether you turn out to be gay, bi, straight or whatever, just treat everyone you have dealings with with respect and integrity. it' s not a game.

dejarderoncar Thu 14-Jan-16 20:09:15

whether you are gay, bi or straight, treat everyone with respect and integrity.

dejarderoncar Thu 14-Jan-16 20:10:40

aplogies, message disappeared so redid short version

OTheHugeManatee Thu 14-Jan-16 20:10:54

You might be bisexual or gay but more importantly I think you want out of the relationship and just haven't got your head round it yet.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Thu 14-Jan-16 20:14:29

whether you are gay, bi or straight, treat everyone with respect and integrity.

That's it in a nutshell really. Be respectful of your current partner and end it before you act on your feelings with women.

And be honest with any woman you subsequently start seeing. I've been out as bi for nearly 20 years and in that time have dated my share of 'curious' women who weren't open that they were experimenting. Bloody hurts to be messed about as the result of somebody else's sexuality crisis.

BastardGoDarkly Thu 14-Jan-16 20:15:48

I agree, these are really two separate issues.

Is your partner happy do you think?

tigermoll Thu 14-Jan-16 20:48:17

Look at it this way -- even if you are straight, that doesn't mean you have to stay with your current partner. You have been with him since you were 21 -- people change a lot in that time, and it sounds as though you guys just aren't that great as boyf/girlf. And you are far, far too young* to settle for "companionate but sexless relationship". You don't fancy him -- are you really going to doom yourself to that for the rest of your life?

*mind you, I think that everyone is "far, far too young" to be in an intimate relationship with someone they don't desire smile

ninanina1234 Fri 15-Jan-16 14:28:55

Hi guys,

Thank you so much for your messages. I am so touched that you all took the time to respond It isn't something I have spoken to many friends about, ever, but I have told 2 people about my feelings towards women this year (which was a huge deal for me) and more friends know I am not 100% happy, after years of literally being like 'Im good' and smiling but not feeling great inside. I think with turning 27 I have realised I am getting a bit older and I don't want to pretend to be happy, or try to fit in with everyone. Being with my boyfriend is very comfortable but in a selfish sense it is easy too - we share all the same friends and support each other and in theory we make a good combination. But I know that isn't fair on him and he should be with someone who appreciates him fully, without doubts and it is selfish of me to cling onto him.

I've started seeing a therapist and she thinks I should be alone for a bit (I think, although she doesn't give an opinion really) and that my feelings towards my partner are more like a close friend but all friends I have spoken to (and my parents) are the opposite as they know him and us together and think I am lucky for what I have. My parents can't understand why I would throw away such a lovely man.

I would never cheat on him, but that is a fear when I am drunk that one day I could (another reason I am trying to address this now).

He is happy. He thinks he is bad in bed (he is quite.. quick) but for me it is more than that, and also a realisation with age that maybe marriage and kids and all these life steps that I am heading towards perhaps aren't for me. I've always wanted to not cause a fuss and fit in so kinda assumed I wanted a typical life but recently I actually started thinking about it (as friends are starting to get married) and I wonder if I even want all that. Ive said that to him but he says he loves me and doesn't care about anything else and just wants to be with me. Which is sweet but makes me feel even worse about my thougths.

Sex wise, I always thought that was just part of a relationship. My mum basically said you want a nice man who can support you and loves you and sex isn't everything. She doesn't know about my feelings towards women but we are very close and it does influence me what she thinks. Even one of my friends said the same thing as they love him and us. In a general sense, we have a great time at home, living together, supporting each other, on holidays. Yes the sex isn't good for me, but I do love him, we find each other funny and share all the same interests and friends.

Deep down, I think I know what I should do but I am scared, and frustrated.

I really appreciate you all responding, even feeling a bit tearful. Quarter life crisis hello..!

BastardGoDarkly Sat 16-Jan-16 08:09:40

Your family and friends want you to be with a lovely man, of course they do. But they don't know how you really feel do they?

And no, sex isn't everything, but it is very important, please trust me when I say, when kids come along, it's tough as all hell, even in a perfect relationship.

Do you think it would be fair to deny him a life with children and someone who adores him? because essentially that's what you'd be doing.

I can imagine how scary it is, but why not just try being on your own for a while? you don't know how you're going to feel until you do, the wondering will just intensify, and that's n way to live, life really is short.


ninanina1234 Sat 16-Jan-16 15:23:02

I've decided to move out and be on my own for a few months this weekend. Thank you for your support and advise. Xx

largered Sat 16-Jan-16 15:38:04

Good idea OP. I've been there too. I hope you manage to figure things out. It's a very complicated thing, sexuality.

Good luck.

mrsmeerkat Sat 16-Jan-16 15:41:09

Good luck from me too.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 16-Jan-16 17:11:48

I am curious about ending a relationship based on a low in sexual attraction. There seems to be a general theme that relationships are disposalbe. Don't get me wrong I am not having a go. Maybe they are. I am re-exploring my views on relationships. I get that people change but to what extent to we sacrifice our needs for the others around us? Do we bin a relationship straight away during a tough patch or do we give it a chance and ride it out for a bit? Is complete sexual compatibility essential regardless of orientation or kink? I think everybody in a successful relationship must have had sexual desires for others (it's normal we are human). But do these desire meen we should bin our relationships? I just don't know the answers and more that's why I am asking the questions? Leaving may be right or not. Just be careful, think it through and don't rush into something you can reverse.

HPsauciness Sat 16-Jan-16 17:25:13

1Dad in this situation, the OP is not married nor does she have children and in her mid-twenties, I would say this is the ideal time to explore any other feelings she has about liking/wanting to be with women (having left the relationship of course). I can understand sticking through a tough patch over sex if you are married/have children (just about) but four years of unsatisfying sex which is unlikely to get better? I just don't see the rationale for gritting your teeth in this scenario.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 16-Jan-16 17:30:32

That is a fair point. Before truly commuting to someone you need to know your self and what you want. That is best for all parties. So agree on that.

ninanina1234 Mon 18-Jan-16 12:00:18

Thank you for your thoughts. We broke up. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I feel hollow inside when I think of him, us and our home and life together. I worry that maybe I have built all this up in my head, that i am a bit depressed and I am throwing away a special bond with someone but at the same time I just haven't felt happy, or fulfilled, and I do feel confused sexually (and terrified to explore that). It hurts so much but I think it is the right decision at the moment and I just need to try and stay strong and work out what makes me happy. If this is a huge mistake maybe we could give it a go in the future but right now I think I need to be alone and sort myself and my feelings out at a core level and find out what will make me happy.

If we were married, I would stick it out as we do get on so so well in other areas and he is 100% there for me and by best friend. But I am 27, unmarried and not sure if that is enough for me right now, I don't know, it is very confusing. I can't imagine meeting anyone who will care for me like him. But I wasn't happy so here I am.

Thank you again for your messages, I've never really used online chats before and it is very comforting hearing opinions and advise from people who don't know me or him.

mum2mum99 Mon 18-Jan-16 12:07:30

nina, That's very brave of you and so difficult. Well done for your honesty and there is nothing you could do to avoid feeling the pain. And don't feel guilty, it is better for him too. It is not your fault and it is better that you did it sooner rather than later. You will never regret to be who you truly are. flowers

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