Struggling with husband's emotional affair

[Kemit]

First post about things like this so excuse me if I ramble a bit. So I've been suspecting my husband of cheating on me for a few months, after to be honest years of me not entirely trusting him and the day before New years eve i found evidence of him being in secret contact with an ex girlfriend he'd got back in touch with via....yes you guessed it Facebook.

It all blew up and he said he didn't love me, wanted a divorce, hadn't been happy for years, thought he loved her etc. The next day he changed his tune. Lets stay together and try to work things out, I'm not really in love with her (they apparently mainly corresponded via phone and FB, met up twice briefly and only kissed - I do believe him), I was angry, I don't really want a divorce, we owe it to the kids to make a go of things etc etc. This was two weeks ago.

Since then I know he has been in contact with her - through spying on him and via his own admissions but from what I can tell they have both decided to end it, she's gone back with her ex boyfriend (whilst still telling my husband he's the love of her life and would drop everything for him - my husband seems to totally buy into this and keeps saying to me that there's 'a lot of history between them' blah blah') and I think my husband is trying to make an effort with us.

I am trying to rise above it and see it as a silly romantic notion of a man in a midlife crisis (?!) and it will all blow over eventually, but at the same time I am really struggling with my self esteem and trusting him.

Self esteem wise I feel like he is settling for me, I can't compete with this fantasy emotional affair - married life with 2 young kids is pretty bloody dull compared to that and also I'm questioning the core of our relationship. I knew we had a few issues but I honestly believed it was down to the stresses of having a young family and that we'd pull through it, I thought we had something special but now I'm questioning it. I feel like the boring doormat wife at home - even though I am far from that person, it's how I'm feeling right now.

Regarding trusting him, I have always thought him to be quite secretive (passwords on phone, computer etc) and have since found out that he has 2 other facebook accounts! They seem to be inactive apart from him searching for old girlfriends - one of them he went on as recently as this weekend and searched for the emotional affair person.

Apart from all this, he is having classic signs of midlife crisis (he's mid 40s) so should i just put it all down to that and get on with being me, ignore all this?

Thoughts please and sorry for confused rambling

[QuiteLikely5]

The trouble is he is still up to his old tricks isn't he?

If I was you I would continue to snoop on him until you decide if you want in or out........

[Kemit]

That's the thing. One minute I'm doing everything I can to make him realise what he's got and the next minute I'm questioning the whole relationship and whether I want to be with someone who can be so sneaky

[DragonsCanHop]

You are doing the pick me dance

Whilst he is doing nothing towards proving his loyality to you of which you know he has none.

Apart from all the gut wrenching anxiety you must be feeling right now, what are you gaining from staying with someone who treats you this way?

[Ledkr]

The problem here is that despite a close shave he has continued to deceive you.
Anyone with any respect or desire to make things work would go to the ends of the earth to prove to you they were trustworthy!
Id say that as soon as he gets the opporunity he will almost definitely cheat.
Id also say that you'd feel a lot better if you show him the door!
Once might be forgivable but continuing as he did just showed he coundnt care less.
So sorry x

[Kemit]

I see what you're saying and I realise I might sound like a bit of a doormat but emotional affairs involve very strong emotions and I understand it might take some time for him to get over this. But the secret FB account is what has prompted me to post this as it's put massive doubt in my mind. My mum said rise above it and he'll get over it. The Posh/Rebecca Lose approach...

[Kemit]

I also have to think of my two children. Both under 10

[Ledkr]

Please don't think I am dishing out advice without knowing how it is.
My xh was having an affair after 18 years together, we had 4 kids one a tiny baby.
Initially I kicked him out then about a week later was terrified so did the pick me dance to try and save my marriage.
After a few weeks I realised that it wasn't worth compromising my dignity and self respect abd that the marriage was over the second he cheated.
I've never regretted it btw.
In your case it seems that he's had his second chance but is just continuing to do as he pleases, hurting you in the process.
Surely he should be trying to make amends and show you he's serious about making things work.
You are being empathic about how hard it must be for him!
Thats not something you should have to do.
Yes you do have to think of the children, as should he.
My children are fine, a lot better for a settled happy mum, rather than one full of angst and self doubt.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.

[Gobbolino6]

You say you have had suspicions for years. So is this the first time he's done this, or just the first time he's been caught?

I'd love you to be able to work this out, but the fact he is still sneaking around is very concerning.

[Tanito279]

This was me, a week before Christmas last year. I bought sexy underwear, seduced him, did the pick me dance continually on the condition that he never spoke to her again. Then spotted another message 2 weeks later. I left him and have never been happier. It was incredibly hard though.
Will you ever trust him enough to stop spying on him?

[veryfedup123]

My h also had an EA, a year ago, late 40's and said he was trying to regain youth etc blamed a midlife crisis. He had to go, the messages I read between them were just too much for me (he spoke of leaving me but she didn't want him to). Its very hard and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. In my experience H didn't seem truly sorry until I kicked him out and he lost his family since then he has tried so hard to make amends. I believe that people can have a mid life crisis and make some stupid decisions but its not a disease, they still know right from wrong. I also understand that their relationship was based on fantasy as they rarely met in person at conferences, everything else was online. But he showed his wife and children no loyalty at all and I find that really hard. you don't need to make any decisions just yet OP but I do think you should at least be putting down some ground rules, you need passwords access to phone etc from now on at the very least. x

[Kemit]

So hard to know what to do. I just gave him the opportunity to tell me about the other Facebook account and he lied. When I pointed out I knew he turned it around on me for snooping and said it was over, he was leaving. He's done this every time I find out he's been lying. I called his bluff and said fine, off you go, you're the one in the wrong here and he soon changed his tune. He's now apologised for lying again and maintains he still wants to make a go of it. I knew he was still contacting her up to Monday of this week as she text him to let him know she's back with her ex at that point. Problem is he has no friends where we live so if he went he would have to rent a flat and that would be a massive drain on our finances. Also my children adore him and would be devastated if he went. And actually before this woman came along in October last year, which is when things started to go down hill rapidly (he became distant to us all), I felt like we were beginning to get back on track after a difficult few years of having young children, financial stuff etc and we've just moved into a great house, with great neighbours and my kids are really settled so I really don't want to put a bomb in all of that.

The suspicions are probably just my paranoia....my mum left my dad when I was 19 after and affair and has lied to him and me about it (still does), and in my 20s I had a boyf who was a serial cheater. My self -esteem is pretty low I guess.

[AnyFucker]

he is taking the absolute piss

he is still lying

I couldn't stay with someone who had such a low opinion of my intelligence and my worth. If you stay you are colluding with him in his assessment of you.

[Kemit]

Veryfedup123 are you back together?

[veryfedup123]

No Kemit we are still separated. No final decisions made yet.

[Ledkr]

The suspicions are probably just my paranoia!!!!

What? Are you seriousky blaming yourself? Your suspicions are because of the way he has behaved!

[ImperialBlether]

You might find that financially you're better off without him, you know, anyway.

He's shown you what married life to him is going to be like, hasn't he?

• You'll have to search everywhere to find out what he's up to
• He'll lie to you
• You'll prove he's a liar
• Then he'll yell at you and storm off
• Then you'll beg him to stay
• Then you'll have a bit of hysterical bonding (look it up if you don't know about it - hit me like a ton of bricks)
• Then you'll find another Facebook account where he's looking up women at work or past girlfriends or even this one he's been friends with now
• It will all begin again.

You don't want your life to be like that, do you?

[AnyFucker]

OP, you suspect your husband is a lying cheat because that is exactly what he is

[Ledkr]

You can see relate alone btw. It might help you to collect your thoughts.

[ImperialBlether]

Why is your mum - who is an unfaithful liar - giving you advice? And is your husband David Beckham? If not then that comparison is irrelevant.

[Gobbolino6]

Oh Lord! Turning around and blaming you is classic. I've been there and it gives you nothing to work with. I have NO respect for that kind of behaviour...it's pathetic...and he has no respect for you if he's happy to engage in it and lie repeatedly.

[jillyarmeen16]

So sorry you are going through this.
I found out my fiance was cheating just before new year. I was completely devestated that he could be such a liar and so disrespectful.
I threw him straight out because even just secret messages is over the line for me. So glad I did. I'm slowly piecing myself back together, it's hard but I realise I've had a lucky escape.
I'm a strong intelligent loyal woman and I deserve a man with the same qualities not a weak fickle cheating liar.
What do you think you and your children deserve? Is your dh it?

[Gobbolino6]

And the turning it around on you is even more insidious, because it tends to lead to YOU begging HIM to stay...when he had no real intention of leaving anyway and he is the cheat.

[Kemit]

I'm not blaming myself? I was trying to understand why I was paranoid before this all happened and was thinking perhaps my self-esteem had been knocked because of my past.

[veryfedup123]

Relate sounds like a good idea kemit it really helped me. I think your still in shock I was for a long time. I felt like my whole life was collapsing around me.

[stumblymonkey]

Could you tell him you need some space to figure out where you want to go from here and that an important part of that will be getting some relationship counselling?

Then you can maintain a little distance and dignity (albeit in the same house) and use this time including any relationship counselling to figure out what is best for you and your family and whether you can rebuild the relationship?

It also means you don't have to regret any hasty decisions either way? X