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DH emotional affair I don't know what to do

(64 Posts)
berrycloud Thu 14-Jan-16 15:20:19

I am completely broken. I have no one to talk to about this and I feel like I'm going crazy.
DH had a apparent breakdown last year, I say apparent as I'm seriously questioning everything hes ever said.
The first I knew about it he crashed his car in a village near to where we lived. He parked up and phoned me in floods of tears. He had left very early that morning to goto a meeting in a major city about 80 miles away by train. So I was shocked he hadn't gone there at all. He said he had a doctors appointment and he was killing time before it and then crashed. I picked him up and brought him home. He said he had missed his doctors appointment and was a complete mess, said it was all because his dad was seriously ill and his job had become to much. He had an appointment at the doctors the nxxt day, they said it was stress and he had had a breakdown, he was signed of work. He had a text to remind him of this apt and he was surprised about this. I thought it odd cos surely he would have had a text the day before.
I cared for him and tried helping all the time, doing everything I could and informing parents etc. He was horrible to be around and he had me in nearly constant tears. I couldn't do anything right. I tried really hard. We did argue a lot but he would jump down my throat and I felt I had done nothing wrong.
It was a miserable time the last 6 months of last year. He also had totally gone of sex for a few years before this. I blamed myself and said he didn't find me attractive. He always said he did. But still nothing. No intimacy. I have put on a lot of weight so blamed myself at being disgusting and a boring housewife.
I tried looking after him all this time and everyone in the family was looking at me to do more and more for him but no one helped. A few times I asked him to leave but he never would, only storm out. But he kept making out it was me all the time, my ungratefull behaviour for all he does, me not making enough effort with the house etc.
Things have been very up and down and I have felt very alone. I have no one to talk to. I did say to my sister once that could he have been having an affair when the car crash happeded, she was horrified and said he would never do that to me. I wasn't so sure.
Anyway weve carried on and things have been ok ish but I have felt unloved but he says no problems with him, apart from I argue and bring up things from years ago. Like how he used to go out a lot and tell the kids he would be home for dinner then go totally non contact and roll in the early hours of the morning. I would never know who he was with or where. But when I put my foot down and threatened to throw him out cos it was making me so ill and upset. He wasn't happy but stopped going out. But thimks I am unreasonable about it and he is a martyr about not going oit now. I have no trouble with him going out just not disappearing.
Anyway thinks have plodded on and occasionally I can see the man he used to be and I love those time.
Aplogies for the essay length of my post. He went away for business a few days ago and while I was on the computer I saw his facebook was open so had a little snoop in his messages. I was totally shocked what I found from one of his female friends who I had always been a bit feeling about but nothing ever seen and he didn't really mention her much. The messages started from thr beginning on the year when he was saying how young she looked and he couldn't believe her age and she saying how young he looked. Then her saying she wants to buy him a drink for being so nice and was he coming out on works drinks. He said no cos he was signed of work. Then he said about how he had to leave me, that we had grown apart and he couldn't go on like this, he needed to get the guts to tell me. She was saying he should do it and be happy. She has just recently left her partner and was saying its much better and its nicer when you are happy. They talked aboyt shared child care and how he likes the idea of that. I checked my phone texts from him frm that night and we were getting on ok ish and he was texing me the same time as texting her. We had sex that night, that makes me sick now that he was talking to her about leaving me.
I'm sure some messages must have been deleted. Then the next messages were I knew you had trouble with her a few years ago!!!
and then sorry I didn't see you at work, and all his friends had been saying how she was jokingly annoyed and missed him. I thought this sounded flirty.
I felt sick after reading all this, I had no idea he wanted to leave me I was fuming so called him, he hadn't quite got to his office but I shouted that hes having an affair and what I had seen. I was so angry. He denied it all so I put the phone down on him. I text and asked him to come back that night., he didn't. I phoned him yesterday morning and let loose again, he denied touching her, so I said its an emotional affair. He denies this, She's a friend, he says he doesn't have her phone number, they talk at work and he has spoken to her about me. He was supposed to be arranging to come home yesterday but he didn't. Text him last night. He says we have no relationship if I go snopping as soon as he's away and I'm second guessing everything he does. That we've been going on like this for years but he understands im angry. I think I must have been picking up on his feeling towards me all this time. He had just never said anything about not wanting me at all. Although I can see now his actions did.
He then says we cant sort this out while he's away and he will be back this evening. I feel he's not bothered and is blaming me for finding the messages. I am totally destroyed I feel so ill, I can barely eat and I feel crazy. Ive been looking after the kids and not coping at all with this info. He's home soon and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to throw him out and part of me wants him to want to make it better. Is this an emotional affair,? I cant think properly.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Jan-16 15:35:41

Well he sounds horrible anyway - never mind the emotional affair.
Why are you putting up with his shite awful behaviour towards you?
After reading that, I would be packing his stuff up right now and telling him to get out of my sight.
But... this is YOU and YOUR life.
What do YOU want?
Do you want to be someone like this?
Re-read your post and tell me what you would say to someone else in your position?
You deserve better and you know it!

Cleensheetsandbedding Thu 14-Jan-16 15:40:48

youve had a really tough time and now it's time you started putting yourself first. He sounds horrible. Depression can make people act diffidently but that doesn't mean they can treat you like shit. They are still accountable for their actions.

Take away the depression and what would you do if he did this while feeling ok? Would you sit back and let him continue to blame you for his disgusting treatment of you or would you tell his to fuck off? Regardless of the fact he is trying to blame you for reading his message (which is a tactic to confuse you and avoid the real matter) the past few years have been shit! Is this what you see for yourself ten years down the road - co- habiting with a bloke that won't touch you intimately? Some one that makes you feel shit?

Dig deep now and see what kind of man this is. Plus is this what you want your kinds to see as a model of a kind loving relationship.

Depression fall out is a really good book. It was a lightbulb moment for me. My mother had depression whilst I was a child and was horried and blames everyone else for how shit and crap her life was. It sucked all the joy out of mine and my brothers life. We are both NC with her now.

You can save this guy, he can only sort him self out and I wouldn't allow him to drag you all along with him flowers

Cleensheetsandbedding Thu 14-Jan-16 15:43:34

You cant*

cheapskatemum Thu 14-Jan-16 15:46:17

Poor you, what a horrible thing to find out in the way you did. To answer your final question, I would say it is an emotional affair, because as you have worked out, he should have been talking to you about any difficulties in the relationship, not her! There are checklists for "What is an emotional affair?" online, just do a Google search, if you want to make sure yourself whether it is, or not.

As far as seeing him this evening is concerned, it sounds as if you are not going to get very far discussing things with him if your raw emotions surface straight away. It's completely understandable that you are furious with him, maybe you need to suggest he stays away longer? This will give you time to start thinking rationally about all that you have just discovered. We'll be here to help you during this time - many on here have much better advice than me, but I didn't want you to feel alone.

Please stop taking all the blame on yourself. You sound a loving and caring wife and mother who deserves better treatment than your (D)H has meted out. (((hugs)))

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 15:49:05

Jesus, the man does not care for you OP, sorry to sound harsh but he treats you like something off his shoe - he's lying, blaming, moaning and that's before I even get to the emotional affair (at least) he's currently having - whilst putting you down.

So angry on your behalf, please get angry and stand up to this bully, he's bullied and belittled you long enough no?

This is your perfect opportunity to get rid of this waste of space.

Then, you can go out there and shower all the care and love you want on a man that is deserving of it - this man will carry on behind your back and probably eventually leave you.

TendonQueen Thu 14-Jan-16 16:16:31

You know what you saw and that it was putting you and your marriage down. Don't let him make you think you have misunderstood. And tell him you won't be distracted from his crappy behaviour by his comments about snooping. I agree with saying actually , don't come back tonight after all because you don't want to look at him right now and you want to think about your options instead.

berrycloud Thu 14-Jan-16 16:21:12

Thank you for all the good advice. Not sure i can take it all in at the moment. I can't believe the person I've become. I'm shaking, crying and feeling sick waiting for him to come back. Kids are excited to see him otherwise I would tell him to stay away.

I want him to be sorry to want me and love me. But I don't think that's going to happen at all. I think it will be a big list of my faults with this if he even speak to me at all.
He's been away with friends for work and he did say that he had told his boss and told the misunderstading !! So they all know about this and I imagine been discussing his crazy wife. I haven't handled this well.

But when we get on its so nice he can be loving and we have a right laugh, we have been together for years.
Sorry this is all over the place.

Just remembered I missed out saying when he was talking to this other woman about leaving me he said it would have been easier if I had had an affair. Which is so nasty I would never do anything like that. But makes me wonder if he has!!
My parents live nearby but I've not told them anything about this last few days but I have been wanting to see what he says before I say anything. I just want to run away there now.

berrycloud Thu 14-Jan-16 16:28:25

I could ask him to go after he's seen the kids for a few hours I suppose. I'm just not coping very well with the kids and house. I feel so ill. I could sleep for a week. I need help with them.

But the kids have been brilliant and much more settled then when he's here. They've slept great which never normally happend. And my youngest who's behaviour had me tearing my hair out has calmed right down.

I just feel I'm not coping well at all.

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 16:35:56

I'd go if I was you OP, the level of deceit is unforgiveable, he's got a right high opinion of himself eh, wanker.

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 16:38:16

You are coping, if not, go and stay with your mum, she would want to help you.

Duckdeamon Thu 14-Jan-16 16:40:40

Leave the bastard.

berrycloud Thu 14-Jan-16 16:42:25

I feel so guilty leaving the kids even for a night though. I never have time away.
I'm going to take one of the kids to a hobby now and stay out there for a bit. Just so I'm not here when he gets back. I've text my mum to say i don't want to be here when dh gets back, so she might come along and see me at the hobby. I just can't say the words though. He's making me feel I'm crazy and it was just a bad patch when he messaged her about leaving me.
But I never had in depth chats with nice looking younger men about my husband.
You are all helping me see that he's been horrible. Wish I had posted about this earlier.

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 16:48:11

A bad patch - I've had lots of them, and nope, never went behind my partners back seeking out sexual thrills, nope.

He will minimise as much as humanly possible, stick to the facts OP, reality, not what he is trying to get you to believe.

Take kids with you no?

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 16:49:52

In fact, if you do stay with this untrustworthy egotistical wanker then re assess your role, you seem to bend over backwards for him and get fuck all in return but grief, stop doing it.

I just don't see this guy being even sorry or making up to you, he clearly wants it brushed under the carpet and you to go back to your slave position where it suits him.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Thu 14-Jan-16 16:58:11

Whether this is an emotional affair or not is a bit moot tbh.

He doesn't care for you, he doesn't respect you, he tells other women he wants to leave you. I'd be asking myself where and with whom he was in the past on all those missing nights he doesn't like you bringing up, I'd be questioning his "breakdown" and "stress about his job", I'd be asking myself if he is really "working" when he's away.

And I'd have his bags packed before nightfall. Why should you go? Let him he's said, it's what he wants, you've always done what he's wanted in the past, so this last time, kick the fucker out.


Kemit Thu 14-Jan-16 17:07:36

I am going through a very similar situation. Have just started a thread of my own! Emotional affairs seem to be the thing at the moment....especially with men of a certain age and bloody Facebook. I have googled the topic extensively and found out a lot about it. I was also in total shock, not eating, sleeping etc. We're trying to work things out but I am now struggling with my self esteem and trusting anything he says/has said to me ever.

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 17:24:31

Not all men, regardless of their age are cheating on their partners, whether using facebook or not, if you have the intention to cheat and do cheat, it has nothing to do with age, social media, it's your character that's to blame.

Kemit Thu 14-Jan-16 17:42:23

Of course but something like 30% of divorces are now blamed on FB! I'm not using it as an excuse for people's behaviour, far from it but the fantasy of online/virtual relationships can become an escape from the drudge of married life and innocent correspondence with an old friend can quickly escalate unintentionally into something much deeper. And it's around a certain age that some men (and women) start to question their life and what they want from it. Some marriages will survive this, looking at it as an opportunity to address marital issues and potentially improving their relationship, looking back on it as a rocky bump in the road of their marriage journey, but others won't. I don't know the answer but I don't think all men or women who have emotional affairs intend to in the first place

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 17:48:19

Kermit, do you really believe that, it sounds BS.

I do agree with you re the accessibility of online sites but again, I still think people cheat because in their head they excuse it, i.e., my partner is a shit so he deserves it, or, it's not my fault, it's my hormones.

It's down to the fact that you think it's ok to cheat, we don't all think like that.

No amount of forums will influence our actions, you are entirely responsible yourself for what you do.

Kemit Thu 14-Jan-16 17:52:58

I definitely don't think it's ok to cheat! I am just trying to understand why people do it and for me it's not as black and white as you seem to think it is.

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 18:05:10

I meant with the 30% FB analogy.

Not black and white is really just = an excuse.

There's a lot of people in unhappy marriages, staying for the kids sake - that's usually when the black and white card is played.

I'm afraid to say a lot of folk just don't have the guts to get up and leave but instead stay - and yes, cheat.

cheapskatemum Thu 14-Jan-16 18:13:56

Berrycloud I think that's a good idea: texting your Mum. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her. You can have a good chat while DC is hobbying, knowing that she, like us, will have your best interests at heart. I think that will help you get things in perspective.

Kemit Thu 14-Jan-16 18:15:15

And I think a lot of people walk out too quickly when times get tough

Jan45 Thu 14-Jan-16 18:18:59

I don't class my partner cheating on me as when times get tough, tough times for me is when you might lose your job, have a bereavement, an illness, my partner cheating on me would leave me no other choice but to leave, I just couldn't be with that person again - not at the time of discovery and immediately after - not saying I wouldn't be able to try again with that person but there's no way I'd be walking away thinking I should nave tried harder when he's the one who broke it all.

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