Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

You're not pretty she then laughed. ^You'll never win any beauty contests^

(31 Posts)
SoleBizzz Thu 14-Jan-16 12:24:42

I have just remembered my Mother saying this to me a few times when I was little. I was being bullied at primary school about my apperceive at the time.

I am currently watching 'The Sopranos' and Tony is talking about his Mother a lot. This could have triggered my memory.

I feel that was cruel of her to say even if truthful.

Am I being over sensitive for this memory to bother me?

Marchate Thu 14-Jan-16 12:28:11

It was a very unkind thing to say to a child

SoleBizzz Thu 14-Jan-16 12:30:10

OK thanks for replying Marche. Just something else I realise about my Mother. Not nice.

PhoenixReisling Thu 14-Jan-16 12:30:36

No. You are not being over sensitive.....ask yourself this. Would you ever say that to your DC? Then ask yourself why.

SoleBizzz Thu 14-Jan-16 12:32:28

I have asked myself and my answer udms no. Just felt confused. I guess nit wanting to admit how much she hurt me. She has no idea I guess. I haven't spoken to her for ten years. Amazed at how I remembered this today.

Scarletforya Thu 14-Jan-16 12:33:10


angelos02 Thu 14-Jan-16 12:33:46

Definately not being over sensitive. It was a disgusting thing for your mother to say.

Marchate Thu 14-Jan-16 12:40:37

Any parent can say something unintentionally unkind once. Repetition makes it verbal/emotional abuse

velourvoyageur Thu 14-Jan-16 12:41:23

My mum would tease me a lot when I was little, but never over something like that. Your mum was definitely BU. Hope you're ok. Memories like this can be upsetting for a while.

SoleBizzz Thu 14-Jan-16 12:43:03

She also said that I look much better from the back. grin I mean it isn't funny but it is a bit. I should have been born male not female.

Marchate Thu 14-Jan-16 12:44:35

Nastiness dressed up as a joke - no less hurtful

DramaAlpaca Thu 14-Jan-16 12:52:26

No you're not being over sensitive. I can still remember my mother saying something similar to me when I was a teenager, and it hurts to this day.

It says more about her than it does about you.

PhoenixReisling Thu 14-Jan-16 12:56:02

sole I understand how you feel and had the therapy to help as I was told by my mother "^I love you, but I don't like you^". As a result I have suffered with low self esteem throughout my life.

SoleBizzz Thu 14-Jan-16 12:57:27

I had a he'll of a lot of nasty/unkind remarks directed at me by my parents The whole of my life I felt good for nothing. Thick, stupid nutcase was their idea of me. I am almost forty two. I now feel I am a good, decent human being with faults. I now feel mentally strong enough to go to adult education and start slowly. I now feel I am worth something and confident.

All those years feeling the complete opposite. Their cruelty did that to me. It's all me never them! Now is my time. Nothing aside from I'll health will stop me achieving. All those lies they told to me and about me no longer matter. Thank god. It's about time. All those -wasted' years.

DramaAlpaca Thu 14-Jan-16 12:58:57

Phoenix that was one of my mother's favourite phrases too. I don't think she had a clue how hurtful it was.

MadamCroquette Thu 14-Jan-16 13:00:55

I got a lot of this from my mum. "You're a hunchback" (I'm tall and I hunched up because I felt self conscious.) "Why can't you look all fluffy and feminine like X?" (my friend). "You look like a boy." "Look at your spots."

She has continued to be like this up until recently when in my 40s I finally cut off contact.

It took me a long time to realise how unpleasant this and other similar things were, because I grew up with it and my mum would always make out we had a great relationship and were really close. It really can take well into adulthood before you think "hang on... that's not a nice way to speak to someone and it hurts." Especially now I have my DC, and I can't imagine picking holes in their appearance like that. Firstly, because it would hurt their feelings, and secondly, I just don't see them like that. I look at them and see my lovely gorgeous kids, not a list of defects.

In short YANBU and you are not oversensitive, at all – and I understand how these things can stay in your memory and come back and upset you again.


SoleBizzz Thu 14-Jan-16 13:02:34

I really do appreciate your replies a lot. Thank you. I know it has affected us. It is sad. Z

MorrisZapp Thu 14-Jan-16 13:03:10

God that's cruel. My Gran used to mock my dad as a boy, for having a big nose. To her, it was best to instil humility into children so they wouldn't grow up 'proud' or vain.

Misguided but perhaps influenced by prevailing attitudes of the time? There was also a religious element to it.

LionHearty Thu 14-Jan-16 13:03:22

Good for you. flowers

handslikecowstits Thu 14-Jan-16 13:04:19

Definitely not oversensitive. I had this kind of thing from both my parents. I hate my appearance now.

LionHearty Thu 14-Jan-16 13:05:04

Post in response to OP's 12:57 post.

Fairiesarereal Thu 14-Jan-16 13:06:29

OMG Phoenix (and Drama) that just made me gasp out loud. How can a person, let alone a mother, be so cruel?

CFSsucks Thu 14-Jan-16 13:07:08

I get you OP. I grew up with GPs and I am close to my GD and I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful but I remember all those little 'jokey' comments that chipped away at my already very fragile self esteem.

Things like "are you a bit thick" if I didn't answer something quickly enough or if I didn't 'get' something. I am reasonably intelligent, something I have discovered as an adult that he does think about me. I'd get flustered though and I'd frequently do a self fulfilling prophecy and act thick and like I didn't get stuff.

Then there was the comment "who would want to look at you" when I said why my bedroom curtains were still closed, I had got changed and shut them as I faced the road. When my drink was spiked as an adult he even said "why would anyone want to spike your drink."

Then there is all the males in my family who even to this day, when they are all together, its like 'lets pick on and wind up CFS day'. I'm a fucking adult, it does my head in. They all think its one big joke but I had years of it at school and I am very sensitive. Even DH tends to talk to me differently when he is around others. Everyone does it.

janaus Thu 14-Jan-16 13:09:54

My mum called me Fat. You're too fat to wear that, you're too fat to do this,
In my 50's I finally made an effort. I lost 26kg. Not once did my mum encourage me, or say she noticed I was losing weight. Then one day, she gave me a ridiculously small size 8 top, and said this might fit you. I was only down to a size 18. Here I am again on the diet roundabout. Lost 12 kg so far. Mum is no longer here.

CFSsucks Thu 14-Jan-16 13:12:16

And even when I'd say to my nan about it, she would tell me I take things to heart too much and I take it too seriously and would tell me not to be so stupid.

I'd never not take anything my DCs told me seriously. I'll always listen. I had a go at DH the other night as he can really trivialise the DCs feelings. DS was upset because his wall sticker kept coming down. I've been asking DH to sort it for ages. DS got annoyed when it happened again and he as been making himself go red when he is frustrated and he did it. I just heard DH saying something like "its not a big deal and it doesn't matter." I was not impressed and told him he shouldn't tell DS that what is important to him is irrelevant (I think DH used the word irrelevant to him actually). He did go up and apologise thankfully. But I don't want my children to grow up feeling like I did.

Well done for being able to see that what they were saying is wrong and believing in yourself and getting on and doing what you want. This is what is important, not the horrible and nasty things they said to you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now