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Ended abusive relationship and just need some support

(7 Posts)
AliOh Thu 14-Jan-16 10:24:45

Just what the title says really. We have two young boys together (20 months and 5 months). He'd never been violent before until I was pregnant with DS2 (beginning of last year). He's never hit me but he can't control his anger when we argue, and grips my face and neck, pulls my hair etc, this has been going on for around 9 months. After DS2 was born we had a really good spell and I blamed the pregnancy hormones for making me crazy and winding him up so much. He hasn't worked for the whole of this time, it's been stressful with barely any income coming in and we're both together all day long. A couple of days ago I asked him if he would get up with the kids as I'd been flitting between them all night, he said no, we started to argue and he lent over both the boys (they were in bed with us), gripped my face and pushed it into the pillow, DS1 got upset. The argument continued in the kitchen whilst doing breakfast and he gripped my face and neck again several time and pulled my hair and yanked my head back all in front of DS1. Last straw, I knew he had to go, I can't bear the thought of my children growing up witnessing that and thinking its normal.

Called friends and my mum who all came straight over, he put up a bit of a fight before leaving but I eventually phoned his dad and said if he didn't come and get him I would have him removed by the police.

I know I've done the right thing. I'm not innocent in all of this, I say terrible things to him when we argue but nothing I say means it's acceptable for him to do that to me. I'm struggling so much to come to terms with it. It's taken a lot of courage for me to tell people what he's done, so that I'm held accountable to people to make sure I don't take him back.

I know I can cope on my own, I just can't imagine life without him. I feel like I've let my boys down that he won't be around for them all the time when really I've kicked him out because I know we'll all be better off and happier without him.

It's just so hard, he's not a complete bastard. He loves the boys so much and it broke my heart to watch him say goodbye to them. I know things will get easier, it's just still so raw I'm finding it hard to deal with.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Jan-16 10:31:39

Well done on getting rid of him
You have your head screwed on because you know your boys cannot keep witnessing this violence.
Please contact Womens Aid and get some support via them.
Please also sign up to do their Freedom Progamme.
You will need some support coming out of an abusive relationship.
But you've done so well to tell people and get him removed.
Womens Aid and then onwards and upwards.
flowers for you at this horrible time!

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 14-Jan-16 10:34:09

Please talk to Womens Aid today on 0808 2000 247; you have been in an abusive relationship and your words are all those of an abused woman. You did not cause him to do the things you did to you; the only person at fault here is him and he alone. There is self loathing in your post and their Freedom Programme could also go a long way into helping you with that too.

Let this man continue to stay with his dad. Such men also actually hate women, all of them.

He is not a good father to his children if he has and continues to abuse you as their mother. You have certainly not let your boys down either; they are learning that abuse in all its forms should never be at all tolerated.

Lottapianos Thu 14-Jan-16 10:40:53

You most certainly have done the right thing, and please feel very proud of yourself for recognising that you do not have to live with violence. Far from letting your boys down, you have ensured that they will not grow up feeling scared, and with a really messed up view of what relationships are.

That said, it's completely normal to having mixed feelings. If he was a total monster, you would never have continued a relationship with him. I'm sure you had some good times, and adjusting to him not being around will take time. Please remember that this is all normal. It will get easier in time. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and the sense of loss. At the same time, start to notice how your life is getting better - not walking on eggshells, not wondering what sort of mood he's in, not feeling scared of being grabbed by the face and neck if he's feeling angry (this is every bit as serious and dangerous as being hit, by the way).

Excellent practical suggestions from hellsbells and Attila. I would highly, highly recommend some form of counselling / psychotherapy, maybe not immediately but at some point. I left an abusive relationship myself many years ago and about a year later, I realised I hadn't even begun to come to terms with it, so I started to see a psychotherapist. This has been the best thing I have ever done for myself. The worst thing you could do is sweep all of this under the carpet, and you have taken the first step towards not doing that by kicking him out. Well done. Be proud of yourself x

fidel1ne Thu 14-Jan-16 10:51:24

It takes time. Just hold onto the fact that you've absolutely done the right thing for your babies flowers

BetterthanEE Thu 14-Jan-16 21:24:20

You've absolutely done the right thing, keep posting on here any time you doubt yourself xx

fidel1ne Fri 15-Jan-16 09:07:42

Are you okay OP?

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