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Not sure what to do. DP being distant

(30 Posts)
Sallycinnamon17 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:42:10

Background; went for 12 week scan on Friday found out our twins had passed a few days before. Been in hospital this week for medical management now at home waiting to miscarry.
DP and I don't live together, he didn't come and see me while I was in hospital was too busy at work and with hobbies and refused to come and see me tonight for various ridiculous reasons.
We spoke earlier this evening on the phone and I became upset for obvious reasons, he then stated that he'd call me back when I had calmed down.
Later on I tried to ring him and he actually said he couldn't be bothered to speak to me on the phone. We had been texting quite normally up until a few hours ago but now I'm getting complete silent treatment!.
Am I overreacting or should I be getting more support from him?.

Marchate Wed 13-Jan-16 22:44:54

You should be getting more support. Actually that wouldn't be difficult as you are getting none at present

goddessofsmallthings Wed 13-Jan-16 22:48:13

How long has he been your dp and is he usually supportive when it comes to doctors/hosptial appointments etc? Was he looking forward to becoming a father and did he go with you to the scan appointment?

flowers I'm sorry for your loss. Do you have friend who could stay with you for a couple of days?

Sallycinnamon17 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:48:50

I feel like I'm slowly loosing my Paitence with him, there's only so many times I can put things down to it being his own way of grieving. I just need a bloody hug!.

Sallycinnamon17 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:50:43

Goddessofsmallthings to be honest we've not been together all that long but up until Friday things seemed to be going great. The pregnancy was a bit of a shock and we both took a while to come around to the idea but in the end I think he was pretty excited about everything.

Hillfarmer Wed 13-Jan-16 22:57:27

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but it is time to drastically lower your expectations of this man.

Have you got support from your family or friends? You need lots of tlc while you are miscarrying - try to concentrate on getting help and support from others and try not to think about this very selfish man. Have people round to be with you. Get your hugs from people who care about you and be extremely wary about continuing your relationship with him. He has shown you he cannot be trusted. You are the one who is physically suffering the loss. He has failed to step up - and it is a big one.

MuttonWasAGoose Wed 13-Jan-16 22:59:00

He may see his chance to get out of the relationship. I know this is an awful time for you, and I'm very sorry.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 13-Jan-16 23:00:55

Was he at the scan with you? Regardless, It seems his way of dealing with this is to put his head in the sand by turning his attention to other things.

Have you told him you need a hug in a way that doesn't imply that you're bitching at him for not visiting while you were in hospital? Not, I hasten to add, that you shouldn't draw attention to his lack of respect and consideration but if he's gone into guilty little boy mode bitching at him will only serve to make him stay away longer.

Sallycinnamon17 Wed 13-Jan-16 23:05:14

Luckily I do have the support of lovely friends and family but it's just not the same as the love of a partner as I'm sure you're all familiar with. He was at the scan with me and was very excited. From the moment we found out and over the weekend up until Monday morning he was very supportive!. I just don't know what's happened since. I do worry that he see's this as a way out of our relationship and is maybe pushing me away.

Sallycinnamon17 Wed 13-Jan-16 23:06:25

I've told him straight that I just want to see him and that I need a hug, his reply was I needed to stop getting stressed out and get as much rest as possible.

Threefishys Wed 13-Jan-16 23:10:00

How long have you been together?

Sallycinnamon17 Wed 13-Jan-16 23:14:13

Sadly barely 6 months which is why I fear the pregnancy may have been the only reason we are still together. Although things have been nothing but perfect up until now we have been very baby orientated.

Samantha28 Wed 13-Jan-16 23:16:22

I'm not sure if your relationship has much of a future :-(

LaurieFairyCake Wed 13-Jan-16 23:16:37

thanks very sorry for your loss

Did you have plans to move in together?

Threefishys Wed 13-Jan-16 23:18:20

I think only six momths in you barely know each other - half of the time youve been together youve been pregnant. His reactions are showing that he is not there for you and is indeed distancing himself now you are no longer pregnant. Its rubbish but i dont think hugs are going to be forrhcoming

Sallycinnamon17 Wed 13-Jan-16 23:25:42

We did have plans to move in together, we had found a house we liked. Over the weekend he talked a lot about getting our lives back on track and not dwelling on this. We looked at holidays to book and still talked about the house but now I'm thinking maybe this was just his way of distracting me. I suppose I just have to wait and see what this week brings. I know 6 months doesn't sound like a long time but we had know each other for a year before hand. I do feel a lot of love for him and I am desperately hoping this isn't the way things are heading.

janaus Wed 13-Jan-16 23:57:36

Don't forget that DP will be grieving too. Maybe he is not coping well, and needs some space too. Although I believe he should be there for you, so you can support each other. I wish you all the best, and hope you both find happiness soon.

SirRaymondClench Thu 14-Jan-16 07:42:48

I'm so sorry for your loss OP flowers

I also think if it was me I wouldn't be able to forgive your P's twattish ways of dealing with this. He didn't come to the hospital because of work and hobbies? He said he'd call you back when you'd calmed down?
For those two reasons alone I'd be dumping this guy.
The strength of a relationship is not measured by how people react when things are good, it is measured by how people are when the chips are down.
I should think the chips couldn't get much more down that now and look at how he is acting. You need support and he's nowhere to be seen and that tells you everything you need to know about him.
I had a similar situation years ago with someone I had been with for a few years and I never forgave him for it.
You need RL support, NOW.

AnyFucker Thu 14-Jan-16 07:50:13

He is not a "partner" the way I understand it

He is just somebody that you got pregnant with

I am sorry for your loss flowers

doceodocere Thu 14-Jan-16 07:56:21

I'm so sorry about your babies flowers

This guy is not a keeper. Relationships are full of challenging times, parenthood even more so. He has shown you that he is not able to cope with the first major hurdle that you have faced together. He's not even able to provide you with the hug you need at this horrible time; he's not partner or Dad material!

When you feel stronger you might be able to see this as an opportunity for a lucky escape.

Take time to heal, focus on yourself not him.

Sallycinnamon17 Thu 14-Jan-16 08:56:32

I do sadly agree with everything you're all saying, you have all helped confirm my fears. I suppose you've made me realise I'm not being stroppy and nagging. We are talking at the moment but to me it does feel quite forced no matter how normal it is. My Main focus for now tho is to concentrate on getting better and for this miscarriage to hopefully start at some point soon.

Samantha28 Thu 14-Jan-16 09:00:35

I'm finding it hard not to say bad things about a man who is too busy with his hobbies to visit his GF in hospital . Especially while she is losing his babies

And who can't cope with you being upset on the phone.

Do you have family with you today , Sally ?

Joysmum Thu 14-Jan-16 09:04:00

If I'd judged my DH on how he was in grief I wouldn't have stayed with him. Likewise when I'm grieving, I'm not what my DH needs or can relate either.

I guess what's important is how he is in tough times normally, when not grieving.

Normally I'd say he's an arse but grief being involved for him too makes me less unyielding in pronouncing LTB.

0dfod Thu 14-Jan-16 09:13:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0dfod Thu 14-Jan-16 09:14:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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