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Has anyone met the right person at the wrong time and it worked out later?

(88 Posts)
maybeeknot Wed 13-Jan-16 21:28:18

I am just about to end things with someone I am in love with because he's just not in the right place to be a good boyfriend.

Long story, but I basically met him at the absolutely worst possible moment and I do think he feels the same but is in total denial over it.

I don't think either of us ever expected to fall in love or feel as strong as we do and we keep calling it something else to avoid the elephant in the room but we just met at the wrong time and I feel like the relationship we have now is hurting me (and him probably) and the best thing to do is to leave.

Has anyone else ever been in that situation, and has it ever worked out some times in the future?

0phelia Wed 13-Jan-16 21:34:01

Quite vague... I can only assume one or both of you are already in a committed relationship.

Seeyounearertime Wed 13-Jan-16 21:35:56

when i was 15, and a bit of a cock, i went out with a girl at school for a while. it was kind of on and off for a few years etc. after school we split permanently and i didn't see her again... until about 4 years ago. smile

I was just coming out of a divorce from an EA woman that had an affair after 6 months of marriage. was living at my mums in my early 30s, feeling a bit of a failure tbh.
One of the things my ex wife didn't let me do was to have a Facebook account. needless to say, i signed up. eventually i saw my High School GF, now single after being with another guy, 2 kids, etc. I nervously sent a Friend request, she accepted, we got talking, met up for coffee and a "there there, its okay" session.

4 years later, we have an almost 3 year old, we're looking to relocate somewhere nicer, getting self employed and sorted.

My thoughts though are always, if it hadn't been the wrong time in the past, would it be the right time now? if we had stayed together after high school would we still be together now or would we have drifted apart in our 20s etc? you can never know.

0phelia Wed 13-Jan-16 21:36:04

My true love, my DP for now and forever...
We met while I was in a LTR with someone. There was some overlap. I broke it off with my ex, now DP and I are happy with one DS, so Yes to your Q.

Nabootique Wed 13-Jan-16 21:36:36

<equally vague> yes. We went on to have a relationship for a year which ended because it had run it's course.

PassTheWench Wed 13-Jan-16 21:38:41

Yes, I first met my partner when he was off the rails. Drugs, drinks, women. I was actively warned away from him but we still had 1 night together anyway.

I didn't see him for a year although I thought about him often. Next time I met him he was completely different and we started seeing each other properly. He had a close family member die and it seemed to have knocked him out of the dangerous out of control spiral he was in. 10 years later we are still together.

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 21:39:49

It's usually something trotted out by women putting up with not being treated as they should be, tbh.
Making excuses for a man.
Romanticising poor behaviour.
Don't get me started on my 'commitment phobia / emotionally unavailable' soap box... hmm

I think it's rare that it isn't the right time - if two people are keen (just keen, not even in love) they generally work around things.

Being posted overseas for a long period - that's a genuine spanner in the works, I suppose.

Already being in a relationship doesn't count.

There's not a lot of things people who like each other can't work around.

I generally think when a woman decides a man isn't at the right time, she's making excuses for someone she knows deep down doesn't have his heart in it. And when a man says it, it's just some crappy old bullshit.

Cynical? Yep.

tanyadm Wed 13-Jan-16 21:41:54

If it's mutual, then you need to get on with it. If either of you are in relationships, then you most likely should stop it, as it isn't just you and him you're hurting.

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 21:42:06

I'm glad I said rare, not impossible as I cross posted with some good examples of the rare grin

I still think it's generally trotted out when one or other of the two just isn't really that interested.

maybeeknot Wed 13-Jan-16 21:46:15

Just to respond quickly so no one thinks I am a cheater.

No, neither one attached.

I just met him at a time he felt he wasn't ready to be a boyfriend. Long story but he's only loved one girl when he was a lot younger and a few days before we met he saw her for the first time since they split and they did that thing where you exected it to be the same and realised all the previous love was gone. So he was basically literally at the moment of realising she wasn't "the one" when we first met so he was never lookign at us as anything serious. I think he was in a place of wanting to sow his wild oats and do various other things (work wise and all that) and was in an "I don't want a relationship" place.

so he had only just come to terms with a lot of changes and the timing is really shit because he isn't giving us 100%. That said, I do think he's in love with me too but not wanting to be.

Allofaflumble Wed 13-Jan-16 21:56:08

It's nearly always the right time to have sex with you though!

maybeeknot Wed 13-Jan-16 21:57:31

What I am basically saying is that I think he feels for me what I feel for him, but the ex (since they met) has been phoning him and he just has the wrong mindset and some things to work through before he would be ready to be a good partner with serious intent.

Neither of us planned to feel as we do, but while I am enjoying it he is battling it. I feel the only solution is to leave and hope that we could one day try again if the timing was better.

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 21:59:34

He's not in love with you.
Sorry to be blunt and harsh, but it doesn't really help to encourage you to think it!

This is exactly the making excuses / romanticised stuff that I was posting about.

If he loved you, it'd all be easy. It'd be all "OMG how lucky am I that I met you literally days after I finally got it straight that she wasn't the one?"

Frankly, he sounds a pita, mooning around after an ex for years, doesn't want to be in love?

Thank goodness you've decided to chuck him!

It's shit, because he isn't giving you 100%
It's not shit because he can't because of timing.
Of course he could.
Don't settle for this bollocks!

It's FINE if he isn't looking for a relationship right now, but don't convince yourself that he's in love but doesn't want to be - that's romanticising it. If he was in love, he'd be in love. End of. He isn't. Bin him off.

Newyearnewme2016 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:00:01

If he is in love with you, he won't be able to stay away from you.

maybeeknot Wed 13-Jan-16 22:00:01

I think it's easy to say you work through things for the right person, and maybe you are right.

I just remember when I split with my fiance a couple of years ago, and for the first year to year and a half after that it wouldn't have matterred if George Clooney or Mr Perfect had come along because I didn't have it to give.

I feel this is the case with this man, but I do think he is in conflict over it because we are just so right together.

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 22:02:54

"Battling it"?
Poppycock.

I've been in love a couple of times. What it does for me is really make me realise what utter shite I've tried to convince myself was love before!

If you like someone, yes, you can be conflicted about how much you like them compared to someone else.
But if you LOVE someone, it just blows the old crap out of the water.

That almost embarrassing moment where you realise the guy you've kept thinking about for AGES - well, you instantly don't give a fuck, because you're in love and it's better.

Hassled Wed 13-Jan-16 22:03:12

I've thought in the past that it was the right person at the wrong time - but with the benefit of a lot of age and hindsight I can see that that's bollocks. If it really is the right person, it's never the wrong time. If it were ever going to work, it'll work straight away. And if it doesn't, you move on.

Newyearnewme2016 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:07:11

Has he actually told you he is in love with you?

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 22:08:01

Yeah, and in your 18 months of not having it to give, you didn't piss someone else around, did you?

Has he SAID he loves you?

There's a lot of "I think..." from you about him.

Btw, I think if you'd met someone good for you in that 18 months, you'd have moved on sooner.

Isn't that exactly what has happened for you? You said you weren't wanting a LTR, then you met him - and that changed.

If you were right for him, that'd change for him too.

Be warned about staying with some guy mooning around about a perfect ex and still having phone calls with her.

He's just not that into you.
You're doing the right thing cutting him loose.
You're doing the wrong thing hoping in time you'll come back together.

Only settle for someone who is blown away by you.

FourForYouGlenCoco Wed 13-Jan-16 22:08:40

I met this bloke when I was 18 and he was 24. He had just gotten sober less than a year before, I was essentially still a child (although living independently, working etc). We got serious quickly, moved in together, totally in love, etc. After a year together we hit the first big snag (very traumatic miscarriage at 13 weeks, pg was unplanned but we were both devastated) and the whole relationship imploded spectacularly. We split up, no further contact, didn't see each other at all.
I had lots of other boyfriends, did some travelling, grew up a bit, never stopped thinking about him.
2 years after the initial split, I reached out to him and we met up for a coffee and a catch up.
That was nearly 5 years ago now. We have a gorgeous 3yo, I'm expecting #2. We got married last July. I am (excepting the usual arguments and bickering) blissfully happy and love my DH more than I can explain.
For us, it really was a case of 'right people, wrong time'. We both just had a lot of growing up to do.
So I think it can work out, sometimes.

maybeeknot Wed 13-Jan-16 22:09:06

If what you say is true Cabrinha then timing would have no bearing on relationships. I'm not saying you're wrong - but from my experience timing is 50% of what is important.

Falling in love is not a mystical force for me, like magic falling out of the air. It is about chemistry, compatability and what you are looking for all combined.

When two people meet who can't stop kissing each other or thinking about the other one and have incredible sex and chats that last all night then they obviously have the compatability thing going on a 10 out of 10 scale and both are ooking for a loving and committed relationship you have hit the jackpot.

If all that happens and one of you isn't looking for a loving committed relationship then it won't work even if you do have the 10 of of 10 compatability and chemistry.

Falling in love, in my eyes, is relaxing into that wonderful feeling and letting yourself feel growing attachment and future potential. If one person actually doesn't want to fall in love, then they absolutely can put blocks up for that. IT's simple not to get too close to someone if that's what you choose is best for you.

Right man.

Wrong time.

If you asked him, he'd say the same

Its fine for you not to believe it, but I am not some deluded idiot here.

maybeeknot Wed 13-Jan-16 22:11:11

He has told me he was falling for me yes. Which of course you will say is bullshit, but I definitely felt he was being honest in actions, words and everything I have observed. And he will be very sad I have ended it but he will agree with me that he can't offer me what I want.

Whether or not 3 or 4 months apart would cause him to change his mind remains to be seen but from what I have observed, I think he has some "me" work to do before he would be ready to really commit to something.

Newyearnewme2016 Wed 13-Jan-16 22:13:30

Sorry I think you are kidding yourself re he is 'battling' against his love for you. However I do think you've done the right thing in ending it.

maybeeknot Wed 13-Jan-16 22:15:13

thats ok. I can only go of what I feel to be true though.

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 22:19:44

I disagree.

I think if someone wants to kiss you all the time, has incredible sex, stays up all night chatting, and is 10/10 compatible then the reason they don't want a LTR isn't because it's the "wrong timing" it's because they don't want a LTR.

For any number of reasons - including feeling that actually you're 9.5/10 compatible but their ex is 10/10 compatible. Or you're 10/10 but he still likes to have his options open.

The stories people have shared about it working at a different time - all seem to be about it going wrong, but coming back together later. Several were much younger and grew and developed.

Your situation is different, he's apparently in love, no big break up, but still doesn't want to make a go of it.

So I include that no, he's not in love.
If he loved you, he wouldn't be mooning around on the phone to his ex.

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