Major fall out over boiled fucking potatoes

[PeppaAteMySoul]

So tonight we had dinner and the toddler didn't eat any of the stew butall of the potatoes that went with it and then asked for more potatoes. I said no and told him they were all gone.
Husband then went and gave the toddler more fucking potatoes. Saying smug stuff like "now I will be your favourite parent" I told husband that if he was going to undermine me I wasn't going to stay and watch and that he disgusted me. I stomped upstairs.
He followed me up with toddler and told me being mad with him didnt get me a free from parenting pass and told our toddler when he asked "were's mummy" that mummy was being lazy. He also called me a bitch.
We generally have a good relationship but this has left me unsure if we have a future. He has depression and going through a bad patch with it. We are both stressed out. I dont know where to go from here. Help.

[Haggisfish]

Well he shouldn't have undermined you but was it really such a big deal to let toddler have more potato? Calling you names to toddler is more concerning. Depression doesn't often make you a complete twat. Was he like this before? Has he been diagnosed and being treated by a dr?

[toffeeboffin]

cook pasta next time

[WickedWax]

So your toddler had heard mummy say to daddy "you disgust me" and heard daddy call mummy lazy and a bitch? How old is your toddler? Poor kid.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

I said his attitude was disgusting. Toddler is two. I know it's bad on both sides. Things used to be good. Nice. Normal and calm. Then his depression got really bad he is seeing the doctor about it but he is unberable to live with and my patience has gone and we end up having petty stupid arguments. This is the first one our son has seen and it will be the last. I just don't know how to cope anymore.

[Bananalanacake]

I always do too many boiled potatoes.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

The thing is I know it was a stupid argument that esculated to a stupid degree. I think we are both at the end of our tether with the amount of stress we are under (major money worries, mental health stuff, pretty big problems with rented house) and instead of pulling together as a team we are attacking each other. We met when we were very young and are still young (early 20s) and I feel like I don't have the life experience to know how to handle this stuff. I do know my son seeing the argument has shaken me into realising things need to drastically change. I won't let him see anything like that again. And I know I don't have much patience for husband right now so will work on that.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

I just went down to apologise and explain we need to show more respect for each other. He still won't talk to me. Plugged his headphones in midway through conversation. I am back upstairs crying wondering how things got so shit. And thankyou IamlovedbyG I probably deserve the snark though. I havent behaved at all well.

[BolshierAryaStark]

Whether giving the child more potatoes was a big deal or not is not the issue here The OP had said no, he then undermined her-this would've pissed me off too.
OP I think you need to have a calm conversation with him & outline what you have said here. If he continues being a twat then yes, I would question your future with him. Parenting is hard work, better to work as a team when possible-especially if other things are making life tough.

[BolshierAryaStark]

X-posted OP

[Skullyton]

You really, really need to pick your battles.

Its not ok to refuse a 2yo more food just because he wouldn't eat the stew, and its not ok to tell your DH he disgusts you and to storm off from dinner because he decided to give a toddler more food.

[Haggisfish]

That just sounds like he's being a twat. Dp and I can argue a lot when we are knackered but we try to recognise we are just letting off steam and readily give and receive apologies.

[Bogeyface]

Skully

And what about the OH? Calling her a bitch? Saying "mummy is being lazy" to a confused 2 year old?

Presumably that was ok?

[PeppaAteMySoul]

I wasn't refusing him food. I would have given him a bowl of fruit/ yoghurt for dessert like he always has. I just didn't want him eating any more potatoes. 1 because of our money worries food planning is really important to having enough food to last a week and I had plans for the leftovers and 2 because all our son would eat given half a chance would be bread, pasta, potatoes and am trying to get him to have a more healthy diet. Even if my H disagreed he still didn't have a right to make twatty comments while purposfully undermining me.

[SevenOfNineTrue]

Its not ok to refuse a 2yo more food just because he wouldn't eat the stew

Yes it is. Provided there are no extenuating circumstances, kids should eat what they are given. We all have some food dislikes that should be acknowledged of course, but pandering fully might lead to a fussy eater and trouble with the food spend if you are on a low budget as DC will eat only certain types of foods.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here op, I have a nearly 2 year old and if she has chips/ rice/ roast potatoes with a dinner she usually eats she'll scarf th

[Thisismyfirsttime]

Posted too soon! She'll scarf those then want more even when they're with something else she'll usually eat and sometimes we refuse to give her more because she will eat the rest and can't survive on those alone.
DH shouldn't have undermined you in such a nasty way and you shouldn't have responded as you did but I can't say I wouldn't have in that situation. It was also nasty of him to follow you with DC and say those things.
Do you think it'll be easier to talk about it tomorrow or later on once he's cooled off or is this something that happens often and is swept under the carpet?

[Haggisfish]

Is there anywhere you and dd or he can go for a few days? Sometimes I think boundaries need to be very clearly drawn. I need very clear boundaries-dh once left me for a day when I had overstepped the line. I didn't do it again.

[tipsytrifle]

You responded well to control strategy, Haggisfish. Are you glad you didn't do it again?

[BertieBotts]

(NB: I wrote this in response to everything up to 22:27, and then went away from the window, so sorry if I xposted with later posts.)

Your post sounds like the kind of posts I used to make before I realised I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I thought it was normal and I was just venting off a bit of steam.

"Now I'll be your favourite parent" while undermining you is nasty and childish. It's also fucking terrible parenting. If he disagreed with you, that's one thing, but to go against you because he wants to play favourites is ridiculous and manipulative. Red flag #1. I bet he parents like this often. Always doing the nice things. Going against you whenever it makes him look like the good guy/fun dad.

Yes okay, refusing more potatoes is possibly slightly odd, but from experience, when you're with somebody who is always parenting in this kind of haphazard way you tend to get pretty vehement in the opposite to make sure that (in this case) your child has SOME structure. There is no "pick your battles" because he's already undermining 90% of the battles, so you don't get to pick, you stick to your guns on all of them. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered if he had potatoes, but also, it's not a totally outlandish thing to insist upon either. And with your later comments about plans for leftovers, actually, you didn't lie: There WERE none left available for eating that night.

BTW - I would perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he might not have been aware of the leftovers plan and just felt your thing was unfair and then meant the comment as a joke, IF it wasn't for all the follow up. That shows quite clearly, to me, that he was looking for a reaction primarily so he could do that.

Stomping off on your part was childish, yep, but also not really a crime, plus, he was winding you up, meaning he got the reaction he wanted. Further reinforced by the fact, instead of either leaving you to get on with your strop, leaving the baby out of it, coming up concerned to see if you were okay, or waiting to discuss it later, he came up in order to taunt/berate you with the baby in his arms, almost seeming to enjoy the fact that he's using him to get to you. I mean, WTF? The appropriate answer to "Where's Mummy?" is "She's just a bit tired and having a lie down" or "She's feeling a bit cross with me" or "I don't know, let's see if we can find her" or "I'm not sure, but I'm sure she'll be back soon, let's go and finish dinner". It's not a natural, reassuring response to a child. It was meant for YOU. Not for him at all.

He doesn't sound depressed. Or, rather, he might well be depressed, but these actions aren't a result of depression. Depression doesn't make you into a nasty goady manipulative stonewalling person. It can make you withdraw, it can make you push people away, it can make you hide from your problems and yep it can make you appear like a not very nice person, but this is different, this isn't the accidental appearing like a dick that depression tends to cause, it's more of an actual concentrated effort to be dickish. What he's done today is actually straight off the wheel of power and control (attached)

Using children

• Making her feel guilty about the children
  
• Using [his conversation with] children to relay messages
  

Emotional abuse

• Putting her down (lazy)
  
• Calling her names (bitch)
  
• Playing mind games (parenting, following you)
  
• Humiliating her (even if "only" in front of your child)
  
• Making her feel guilty (no "parenting pass")
  

Minimizing, denying and blaming

• Making light of the [incident] and not taking her concerns about it seriously (ignoring, putting in headphones)
  

(If it doesn't come up big enough to read, click here: stoprelationshipabuse.org/pdfs/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf)

What treatment/management is he having for his depression? Is he on any medication? If so, is that a new change? Has he spoken to the doctor about the problems within the relationship? Is it possible for him to move out while he works out treatment, in case he needs time to become more stable?

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

Link does not work, bertie?

I think bertie's analysis is a good one but you say that before the depression he used to be a lot better.

If this kind of stuff is going on all the time - the undermining, the name calling, the emotional manipulation of your child - then you can't let it go on one way or another. Either he changes how he deals with flashpoints or your child is at the centre of this very damaging situation or you might need to consider going it alone. Hopefully he will change but he needs to 1) get more help for his depression, if possible and 2) stop being a twat in the way he deals with conflict, depression or no depression.

Question: how did he handle disagreements/flashpoints before you had your child? -is- this the depression influencing him or was all this lurking under the surface before?

[Marchate]

Emotional abusers are frequently treated for depression by doctors. Sadly some of them will actually be depressed but many are not. They are probably exhausted keeping up the onslaught of EA, which must take far too much effort! Most depressed people do not have enough energy to sneer, scheme, berate and mock

I agree with BertieBotts. Look at the diagram. You may recognise your relationship

[PeppaAteMySoul]

Our relationship really isn't like that. 99% of the time it is loving, respectful and supportive. I do agree that incident wasn't great and probably emotionally abusive on both sides. We have been together 5 years and husband has had depression for most of that time. In the last year it has got really bad and he is snappy with me when he wasnt before. This in turn makes me snap back which isn't healthy and needs nipping in the bud.
We have had a long conversation last night with tears on both sides and realised that husband needs more support from proffessionals with his depression. So far he has been on anti depressants but no counselling which I think is despratley needed. He has asked for it before but after 6 months of waiting was only offered it on days that clash with work commitments.
I'd also like to point out he in the past stood by me when I had horrific PTSD. This made me no picnic to live with either.
Having said all of that boundries do need to be put in place so that our son does not witness poor behaviour. It will not be allowed to happen again.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

Something this thread has made me ponder which I wasn't expecting was my own parenting with my son. I have always given him strict boundaries and rules believing this is what children need. I am now wondering if maybe I am too strict to no ones benefit.

[Jan45]

Good you have become aware of how both of your behaviours is having a negative impact on your child but unless you both commit to stopping it then I'd split for my child's sake - it's a horrible atmosphere to be living in and the way he spoke to you is disgusting, he doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong with is concerning - don't let your child suffer, you both either stop it or give up.