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(38 Posts)
Razorlightnight Wed 13-Jan-16 13:55:06

First post, long time lurker. Sorry for barging in and asking for advice.

A couple of weeks back I logged onto our shared iPad to see my bf's twitter account opened at his DMs. There were lots of explicit messages back and forth to one woman. Not all messages were there unfortunately - so some didn't make sense. There was a bit of chat, as in "hey sexy, how're you today" etc but mostly dirty stuff. Last message was her saying she had depression and him asking if she wanted to meet the next day to talk about it. There's nothing that confirms they had met before that (in fact more evidence points to no meeting) and, after going through my texts he and I met for lunch the day in question. I confronted him straight away. He admitted they'd been messaging since mid-Aug to mid-Oct. He said he realised it was getting silly and the messages just fizzled out.

He immediately gave me access to his phone (which I went through thoroughly) and now leaves it around the house instead of in his pocket etc. He also went through his diary for days we didn't meet for lunch (we work very close so travel to and from work together and meet for lunch pretty much all the time) and has married the dates up with work appointments he had. I've seen the emails verifying the meetings. He's been open since I caught him - as far as I can tell - and he seems extremely sorry.

I told my best friend who said 'you're naïve if you think this is it and if I were you I'd leave'. I really don't want to leave but equally I don't want to set myself up for another fall. There's no kids and, moneywise, I'd be fine alone. We rent so no ties at all really.

I thought we had an amazing relationship - no rows, lots of laughter etc. We pretty much spent every minute together.I've lost a lot of respect for him now though and I'm being really nasty. I don't really know what I'm asking here to be honest. Will he do it again? If I choose to forgive will I ever stop thinking about how betrayed I feel? Would you contact her to ask for her side of things?

Thanks in advance and sorry if this isn't that clear - I've just blurted it all out.

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:02:46

How long you been seeing him?

Some men just cant help themselves, they are inherently self indulgent, if the messaging has gone on for some time then I'm afraid he knew exactly what he was doing, of course he is sorry now, now you caught him!

Personally I'd not carry on with a person that did this to me, it shows they are not really committed to me anyway and have no respect but we all have different levels of expectations, depends on where yours lie.

I think you need to show him you are no push over and stop contact with him whilst you sort your head out, if he can't understand that then he's not worth giving a second chance.

dadneedshelp72 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:06:07

As someone who is currently separated and finding it AWFUL
think long and hard before you decide to split.

It seems that you have allayed some of your fears and the it was just
" messages "

Make him prove that he can be trusted and build on it from there, tell him he has to earn your respect back

One question though - Why would he "sext" her and not you ?

Razorlightnight Wed 13-Jan-16 14:07:01

We've been together 4 years. We live together.

It's a bit too much to believe that this is the first time he's done anything like and I've caught him although (of course) he swears it is. And it's the last time. He now realises what he could lose. Blah blah.

Idiot. I want to believe him though.

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:09:06

Gawd, he's sticking to the script, I doubt it's the first time either OP, you just caught him this time.

Do as above, do not sweep it under the carpet.

dadneedshelp72 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:09:46

I guess it all depends on whether you want to be with this person
IF he can prove that he has learned a lesson

DONT let him treat you like an idiot, be clear he is on his last chance

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:10:32

You are not going to be able to get him to prove anything whilst living under the same roof and sharing the same bed, give him a consequence, at least for a few days so he can feel the result of his actions.

Razorlightnight Wed 13-Jan-16 14:12:16

Thanks for responses.

I asked why he didn't sext (such a crap word) me. He said "you're my girlfriend, it's different" He's admitted he's been selfish and it's grubby etc.

Figwin Wed 13-Jan-16 14:15:08

I'm shit with trust so would find this difficult to get past but many people aren't, get past it and have long loving relationships.

He could do it again but he could also never do it again. There's no telling. He has been very open with you after which to me says he wouldn't and is very regretful hence stopping it. Even if he didn't come clean on his own he didn't make some bs about it to you when you confronted him.

On MN we only see a one dimensional story but irl people aren't one dimensional and you could never possibly explain your entire relationship ins and outs, his personality etc on here for anyone to be able to give you an answer the will say he will do this or that, does that make sense?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-Jan-16 14:15:14

I think your best friend is right actually.

Why would you move your relationship bar lower to continue to be with this man now?. Do not also let the "sunken costs" fallacy also impair your judgment.

You have no real ties to this man and you could manage on your own.
Has he really taken full responsibility for his actions here or are you somewhat carrying some of this load for him now?. What has he done to further prove that he is truly sorry, why did he message this woman in such a manner?. He did this because he could do so. His actions have consequences; you do not owe him a relationship. I doubt very much he would be so forgiving if the shoe was on the other foot.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-Jan-16 14:19:33

Is he really trying to tell you that his actions are more acceptable because she did not mean anything to him?. Meh.

His comments as well are meh too. Saying that he would not send you such messages because you're his gf is frankly a crap thing to say as well, he is desperately trying to get off the hook here.

Figwin Wed 13-Jan-16 14:23:10

I'd be worried by the "you're my gf it's different" comment. To me that would have me thinking "so he needs that in his life but not with me"

RivieraKid Wed 13-Jan-16 14:29:37

Likewise figwin - one also has to wonder if he wanted to get caught? That's pretty lax on a shared iPad. Perhaps he's just not very bright.

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:32:24

Massive red flat to say you are my g/f, it's different, no sneaky and sordid is that.

Imo, he didn't want to get caught no, and he's had to be truthful, the OP has read the messages!

Razorlightnight Wed 13-Jan-16 14:33:13

I know - I wasn't sure how to take the GF comment. It was during a long line of questioning so maybe the first thing that came into his head. The frequency of the messages (few times a week over 3 months that I've seen) and the messages where he asks how her awesome self is today (blurgh) seem to hurt more than the dirtier ones. Like he's formed a connection with her.

I was honestly a little smug about our relationship. Thought things were brilliant. I spent years in a mediocre relationship and thought I'd finally found someone special. It really, really hurts to see that he didn't care as much as I did.

Razorlightnight Wed 13-Jan-16 14:34:31

The messages were deleted on his phone account but somehow showed up on iPad. We'd only had the ipad one day.

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 14:39:07

Well he would have had a connection if they had been communicating several times a week for 3 months - again, shows he had non intention of it being a one off, he was happy to continue the sex talk with her until you caught him.

He will give you every line possible to make you think it's not that bad but only you know what you want to do about it, 4 years isn't a massively long time and he's done this will need to weight everything up before you decide, and get him away for a few days so he can at least feel he might be losing you, so he should.

Razorlightnight Wed 13-Jan-16 14:42:26

It'd stopped in October (as far as I can tell).

(I sound like I'm sticking up for him now, I know).

bjrce Wed 13-Jan-16 15:07:36

" the messages were deleted on the phone!"

Says it all, he even knew how to cover his tracks, he only got found out by accident because he didn't realise the message would show up on the iPad. He's be doing this firva long time.
I am sorry to be blunt but you need your head examined if you stay with this one.
Listen to you friend! People like him don't change.

AnyFucker Wed 13-Jan-16 15:16:54

Ugh. He has a madonna/whore complex. Bin him just for that.

Now is the time to get shut of someone like this. Don't wait until you are tied with mortgages and kids. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Razorlightnight Wed 13-Jan-16 15:22:18

I feel so bloody stupid. I honestly had no idea. Didn't dream he could do this to me/us. Fucking prick. I've thought about nothing else for a fortnight.

bjrce Wed 13-Jan-16 15:28:27

You are not stupid, he's the asshole, don't think badly of yourself for being a decent person. You don't deserve to live a life of misery with a lying bastard

AdrianlovesPandora Wed 13-Jan-16 15:28:48

Sorry it sounds like he can't be trusted at all. What a let down to you.thanks

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 15:40:41

You are stupid for what, for trusting another person who has made you believe they are trustworthy.

He's well and truly off that pedestal now.

whatsforsupper Wed 13-Jan-16 16:18:27

You do know any and all I messages deleted from an Ipad/I phone are only soft deletes there are logs that show all those messages.

If he ever used a Mac Book with I Messages synced too the I/Pad/Phone those messages are all available too read.

Easier to find on a Mac Book then I phone/I pad they are find able.

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