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Suspected homophobia at the school gates- Your honest opinions please.

(161 Posts)
largered Wed 13-Jan-16 12:45:22


I already have a thread running on this board, which I started when I was incredibly stressed and everything had exploded and I was basically in a very dark place. Dust is settling now slightly, but it's an ongoing problem unfortunately.

I started this thread as I briefly touched on this problem at my DDs school and I would really appreciate your absolute honesty on this. Even if it is brutal- NC if you like. I really want to know how other mums would feel.

It's quite simple, I'm bisexual and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman. I apparently don't look like a lesbian hmm which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again. My DDs school is no exception unfortunately. Now, as mentioned on my other thread, she has problems with social skills and communication and so I'm fully aware this is the main reason she struggles to make and keep friends. However, I've noticed several mums gradually or immediately start ignoring my DD and I when they hear I am in a same sex relationship, which I obviously find incredibly hurtful.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Would you be uncomfortable with your DC being friends with another DC who's mum was in a relationship with another woman? I've heard of some parents being outraged with their DCs being taught about same sex relationships in primary schools and I guess this falls under the same category.

Thanks for reading and please be as frank as possible.

ScarlettDarling Wed 13-Jan-16 12:50:02

No, it really wouldn't occur to me to be outraged at this and I really am as conservative as they come. It would probably surprise me as it isn't the 'norm', but it certainly wouldn't bother me.

Cabrinha Wed 13-Jan-16 12:52:12

I'm sorry you're going through this sadangry

I'm not sure what help this will be, but my experience of one lesbian sister and one straight sister is that I couldn't give a flying fuck but other straight sister thinks it's unnatural and struggles with the idea of two women confused

Neither of us would influence our child's friendships, but I honestly think straight sister wouldn't actively encourage. So she'd say yes instantly to your daughter coming to tea, but wouldn't suggest it.

If you think there is homophobia in action, sadly I'm not surprised.

MoominPie22 Wed 13-Jan-16 12:52:13

Hey largered it certainly wouldn't bother me. And as for parents being outraged that kids r taught about same sex relationships....well they must be bigoted arseholes imo! There's much bigger things that'd concern me as a parent, like paedos being able to reach them thru social media for example. Its a real shame ur having to deal with shit like thissad

DontCallMeBaby Wed 13-Jan-16 12:53:25

Wouldn't bother me in the least. Given I'm a straight ally at work and wear a Pride ribbon on my lanyard is be a massive bloody hypocrite if it did. I'd be far more concerned to learn that any of DD's friends parents DID have any kind of problem with same-sex relationships.

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 13-Jan-16 12:53:54

I wouldnt even care enough to wonder about someones sexuality or ask. I assume they know because you refer to your other half as She?

If that happened to me I wouldnt even bat an eyelid. Which, imo, is how it should be.

Are you in a paticularly conservative area? It really is a shame that they appear to be judging you and your daughter on.something as un-judgeworthy as you being bisexual, so in essense its probably a good thing your DD isnt mixing with homphobes.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 13-Jan-16 12:54:28

My youngest is at a small school and there is one child who has two mums. I only know this because we do Fathers and Mother's Day gifts and she obviously needed to be given two and I was running it. There is no drama with anyone as far as I know. I'm not sure how much interaction my child has with this child but if I saw them playing I would be happy, the same way I am when I see mine playing with any of the other younger children. I don't see either of the mums very often as the child is brought to school by someone else but it really is a non issue for us.

Anyone who is being stupid about your relationship doesn't deserve your time.

patterkiller Wed 13-Jan-16 12:54:42

I absolutely wouldn't but my sister is married to her lovely wife and I love them both dearly.

I also don't think any of my friends would be bothered in the slightest. However, I can remember a huddle of mums who seemed to have pursed lips at anything outside the norm.

These women tend to push their dcs to be friends with their friends, it's all very cosy.

As your dd gets older friendships are more driven by the children not parents. She will find her people.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Wed 13-Jan-16 12:55:33

No, I wouldn't give a toss if my DD was friends with someone who's mum was in a same sex relationship. It honestly wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

ouryve Wed 13-Jan-16 12:56:07

Hell no. It's not something I have any problem with.

I get the impression that the general population is, on the whole, less accepting of otherness than that of mumsnet, though. I've been on the receiving end of homophobic comments at the school gate, myself, simply for looking like a lesbian!

GeraldineFangedVagine Wed 13-Jan-16 12:56:32

I'd have a problem with my child being friends with children whose parents are backwards homophobes. People never fail to amaze with their narrow mindeddness op.

mayBaker Wed 13-Jan-16 12:57:23

Not in the slightest, no. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Wed 13-Jan-16 12:57:56

I wouldn't think anything of it at all.

That said, I do know that there are a good few people at the school my dc attend who it really would bother, and probably the same amount of people who would be falling over themselves to prove to you that they aren't bothered at all and make a big deal about it.

DangerMouth Wed 13-Jan-16 12:59:08

No not at all. When you say your dd has communication problems, is she mean to other dc? That would be the only reason I'd avoid you tbh. But I'm not at the school gates to make friends so generally try to avoid being over friendly with anyone!

Cabawill Wed 13-Jan-16 12:59:36

Well said geraldine Please know that people find all sorts of reasons to leave children out- I don't understand why but it's awful.

Savagebeauty Wed 13-Jan-16 13:00:25

It wouldn't bother me at all. I know some people it would but they tend to be religious and ignorant.
I know of a child told by another child that their parents would burn in hell for being gay. sad

LittleMissGeneric Wed 13-Jan-16 13:00:27

I wouldn't bat an eyelid, but 2 of my 3 SIL's are married to women, so it's the norm for me anyway, and my kids have never really questioned it as its all they have ever known.

Sadly though I can very much believe this attitude still very much exists with people.

MrsHathaway Wed 13-Jan-16 13:03:08


I'd find it interesting. Although I know several all-male couples I only know one all-female so it's still remarkable.

That said, it's literally none of my business, just as my marriage/sex life is none of your business. The details of your relationship would only become my business if I suspected abuse or something.

I certainly wouldn't discourage my child from being friends with yours.

However, I wonder if the scorn you perceive either doesn't exist, or is the result of something else? I'd say that I've heard more criticism of single parents than gay/bi parents, for example, or those who choose 4x4s for the school run, or dress for pickup as though it were singles night at the local dive.

Hope things pick up and you both meet nicer friends soon.

enderwoman Wed 13-Jan-16 13:03:37

Honestly wouldn't bother me at all.

I would prefer it if schools tackled homophobia more openly. My youngest is in y5 and I hate how "gay" is used as an insult by children who wouldn't dream of being racist. [sigh]

QueenOfTheGingerRepublic Wed 13-Jan-16 13:05:31

I would have no issue at all whatever sort of relationship the parents of my child's friends were in. I would be hugely judgemental of anyone who did have a problem with it and it would probably colour my judgment of them though. Wouldn't like my DC going to anyone's house where they might hear racist/sexist/homophobic opinions.

Friendlystories Wed 13-Jan-16 13:05:57

No, wouldn't bother me at all and can't understand why it would bother anyone else. I have quite strong views on most things but other people's relationships are none of my business and I honestly don't look on same sex partnerships any differently than any other.

Bubbletree4 Wed 13-Jan-16 13:07:06

I have a friend, she's a lesbian, has 2 kids (school age) with her female partner. most people do not have any problem with it and my friend has loads of friends but unfortunately there are a few homophobes about and seeing as I am straight, they suppose their homophobic views are ok to mention in front of me confused.

I know loads of parents at school. At least 90%- 95% appear not homophobic. But some are - these are ones I've met- over several years

Mum 1: can just about accept lesbians having kids, but says its not the norm, shouldn't be encouraged and should not be discussed in front of kids as that's not the choice she wants her daughters to make.

Mum 2: it's disgusting , the most homophobic I have met (also racist!)

Mum3: pulls faces, laughs

I'd tell the school. I thought kids weren't allowed to be homophobic at school(?)

hownottofuckup Wed 13-Jan-16 13:08:17

No it wouldn't bother me. I'd be more concerned if they were friends with DC with very bigoted parents.
Although, if that was the case they probably wouldn't want their DC being friends with mine!

Bubbletree4 Wed 13-Jan-16 13:08:56

But yes, as pp said, I may avoid a parent who's dc is getting into disagreements with my dc.

lenibose Wed 13-Jan-16 13:09:04

I wouldn't bat an eyelid. I have several all-female couples as friends and 2 of the couples have kids. I'm in London and I don't know if that makes any difference to the reaction, but my friends have said that the transition to school was less traumatic than they imagined. I wouldn't be outraged if my child was taught about same sex relationships- we've already had that conversation with him. I'd be outraged if he wasn't.

But I'm not your demographic I suspect- I'm fairly liberal, left leaning, academic with a partner who is similar with plenty of friends who are not heterosexual. I can however imagine that people are gossiping about your sexuality etc, and I'm sorry to hear that.

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