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I don't know what to do

(19 Posts)
AnotherHappyDayTomorrow Wed 13-Jan-16 11:58:58


I'm new! I hope no one minds if I ask for a little advice/support. Please be kind!

The thing is: I don't know what to do about my marriage. My husband and I don't have the best of relationships and often we rub along ok, but I'm always waiting for the next explosion. We have two children aged 8&6.

DH is a very frustrated person and he REALLY does not deal well with stress. He demands a lot of attention and support, but often when things are difficult (and they have been very tough from a work perspective in recent years) and I try to help or reassure him he takes it out on me. I am tired of it.

I am a writer and love theatre and art - but he says he's too busy for things like that, so I can't talk to him about them. I really want to engage with him about ideas - or anything! For example, I once listened to an interesting Moral Maze programme (I am a geek and middle aged before my time, I know!) and I tried to talk to him about it, because I thought it would me a fun thing to work out together. He just stared and me and said 'well, that was boring', and then brought the conversation back around to him.

He shouts at me in front of the children (I am very ashamed to say that I shout back - because he winds me up so much and I don't want to seem a victim). He moans about things I do or have said when we're at friend's houses or at parties and never seems to notice (or care) if people find that awkward or if it upsets me.

I worry about his drinking, which he does to excess daily and which definitely affects his mood. He smokes joints every day too. When my step-father died of lung cancer I begged him to stop smoking altogether. He just lit another cigarette.

A few years ago I was trying to send a text on his phone when I found he had sent naked photos of me to his best friend. I flipped out but somehow he talked me around. I'm still completely mortified.

And yet.

He constantly tells me he loves me, that I'm beautiful, an amazing mother, that he fancies me, that I'm the cleverest person he knows. He gets cross if I mention past arguments - he says I hold onto things and it makes us argue again and I should let things go. Perhaps he's right. But he never apologises, so I never think he feels his behaviour is wrong.

He's being fine to me at the moment, but all these things have just damaged our relationship so much. I can't feel the same way about him as I used to. I hate having sex with him and that makes me feel bad.

Am I just hanging onto the bad things? Should I just dig deep and forgive him and try to keep our family together and happy? Sometimes I feel on the verge of just packing things in, but I feel so selfish. I want to give my children the best life and I am willing to put my happiness into the background if that's the right thing to do.

I think I should suggest marriage counselling, but I don't really know how to bring it up.

Sorry this is so long!

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 12:08:12

So giving your children the best life means shouting and screaming at each other - time to go OP, he sounds absolutely vile and the outbursts and shouting will be having a really bad effect on how your children go, so I'd say you have the perfect excuse for moving.

As for the naked pics, the contempt he holds you in, the drinking, the week, the put downs - no idea why you are still there tbh.

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 12:08:51

grow not go. Weed not week!

rockabillyruby82 Wed 13-Jan-16 12:16:35

OP you haven't said how you feel about him. Do you love him? Enough to try counseling?
It sounds like your DH needs some counseling on his own too.

MoMoTy Wed 13-Jan-16 12:19:20

He sent naked pictures of you to his friend??? Wtf. Why are you still with him.

AnotherHappyDayTomorrow Wed 13-Jan-16 12:23:03

It does look very bad when it's written down, Jan, you're right.
Rockabillyruby, honestly, I don't think I do love him any more. I feel very bad about that. But part of me thinks if I don't try counselling, maybe I'd be giving up too easily. I have asked him to go to counselling before, but he didn't feel it was necessary!! Think I might have to be a bit clearer.

Marchate Wed 13-Jan-16 12:25:24

The procedure is, you got to counselling alone. He is an abusive partner so joint counselling is not appropriate

Marchate Wed 13-Jan-16 12:29:34

You are still with him for one reason: the abuse has crept up on you by stealth. Now you are beginning to see what's happening, and it's not nice

Jan45 Wed 13-Jan-16 12:31:33

Don't see how joint counselling will help, he's not even aware of what he is doing or he is and doesn't care.

OP, it looks bad written down but it is bad, I'm sure it's not the first time you've been told that.

Instead of trying to fix him I'd get on with my life in peace without him, the sending of the naked pics to a friend is bad enough never mind the rest, he has no respect for you OP so why should you feel bad or sorry for him, he's a pig.

tallwivglasses Wed 13-Jan-16 12:32:59

This sounds awful, OP. If you hate having sex with him, stop having sex. You don't have to do anything you don't want. I really think your dc would be happier without him polluting the atmosphere. He's a shit. Please get out before he sucks the life out of you.

AnotherHappyDayTomorrow Wed 13-Jan-16 12:36:02

That's difficult to hear.

AnotherHappyDayTomorrow Wed 13-Jan-16 12:38:47

I guess you are all right. I think I knew that anyway, and that is why I posted. But I feel so sad and stupid for not dealing with it better. And I feel scared about what I should do.

Marchate Wed 13-Jan-16 12:42:11

It's natural to be scared of an unknown future. Main thing is, keep at the front of your mind - you matter, and he has made you feel that you don't

mum2mum99 Wed 13-Jan-16 12:44:52

Sorry to say but he sounds at least a bit emotionally abusive. The classic cycle of abuse.
He shouts at me in front of the children.He moans about things I do or have said then it seems he makes up. confused Not sure I fully understand what you are saying but I can tell you that being constantly horrible and then making up is a cycle of abuse.
Your lack of sex drive is also a sign that you are unhappy at the moment. And no wonder if he sends naked pics of you to his friends. That really not acceptable. shock
He also sounds far too self-preoccupied.

AnotherHappyDayTomorrow Wed 13-Jan-16 12:49:22

tbh mum2mum, he doesn't really make up! We just sort of move forward and it's 'forgotten' about.

tipsytrifle Wed 13-Jan-16 13:21:26

Does H work at all? I ask because excessive drinking and use of the weed (skunk? very strong stuff) are both mind benders. If he's basically off his head much of the time then he's not really much use. In truth he becomes a destructive force likely to do mad stuff like send naked pics of you when he gets bored.

At this point do you even care why his addictions and cruel insensitivity have come to be? Personally I couldn't trust someone like this with dc, house, car, finance or anything else. How do you feel about trusting him with everyday matters that involve day to day safety? The teamwork core that makes a family "work" doesn't seem to be going too well.

With a slightly more objective/detached perspective you might be surprised at how much you've tolerated. You might find, if you can stand back from it for a while, that when you assess the overall environment you have the will to change it. Trying to change him would be pointless, especially with booze and drugs as his constant companions.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Jan-16 14:27:51

What are your living arrangement?
House is mortgaged? In who's name?
House is rented? In Who's name?
Kids, How many and what ages?

You know this abuse. Do NOT go to joint counselling with him.
Go to counselling on your own.

Also contact Womens Aid and get some local support. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

He's awful and you need him away from you and your DC!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 13-Jan-16 14:40:10

"But part of me thinks if I don't try counselling, maybe I'd be giving up too easily".

That's the sunken costs fallacy in relationships here rearing its ugly head. It is also causing you to make poor relationship decisions. Counselling for you and you alone is a must as well as enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme in the longer term.

Your family unit is at heart not a happy one; what you describe is a home akin to a warzone. It is certainly not a sanctuary for your children either. Eight and six as well are very impressionable ages; what are they learning from the two of you about relationships here?.

It is only when you are free of him will you perhaps realise the full extent of his abuse towards you all. Abuse like you have suffered and continue to suffer is insidious in its onset; the boiling frog analogy springs to mind. He has tested you to see what you will accept from him over time, years even. He has played you throughout your marriage and manipulated you, he also targeted you. Also he is not nasty all the time but abusive men can do nice/nasty very well. The nice/nasty is also a continuous cycle.

Joint counselling is a complete non starter here because of his abuse towards you and in turn your children. Is this really what you want to be teaching them about relationships?. You want this abusive role model of a marriage to potentially become their norm in their relationships as adults?.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth talking to as they can help you further. Please call them today.

AnotherHappyDayTomorrow Wed 13-Jan-16 14:57:20

Thank you so much for all your support everybody. I think solo counselling sounds like a good idea. I just can't go on like this.

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