Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He won't leave! I don't know how to make him move out!

(39 Posts)
RantsAndGrannyPants Wed 13-Jan-16 04:30:43

Please just be honest with me... What the hell do I do???

Am I just a stupid? Or is he the one with issues? Sorry that this may come out as a long rant but I feel so alone and afraid. I have no friends left and so I'm turning to you guys for some moral support. I've left out a lot of info that might out me and hence this account. But I feel the need to "off load" so I apologise!!!

We've been together for 2 and a half years after meeting online, both are in our early 30's and in professional, well paid jobs. I'm a vet.

When we first met, he was this affectionate, devoted man. He had loads of time for me, really fun, everything I could have wanted... Or so I thought!

Back then, I would get the train every weekend and travel over 100 miles each way to see him and stay with him in the city where he was living and this went on for about 12 months.

He once explained that he would never be the type to cheat as his father had done this to his mother and then explained that his previous girlfriend had cheated on him and knows how much it hurt. (I'm mentioning it as I'm wondering if this has had some sort of effect on him.)

We moved in together about a year into the relationship. I moved to the capital to be with him and found a salaried job. Leaving behind my rural family practice over a 100 miles away.
This house was rented in his name and I'd pay him my share of rent on time every month, plus buy food for us, clean the flat, cook his dinner every night etc but I suffer from depression and went through a patch where I struggled to get out of bed. He started calling me lazy, fat, slob etc. This is when the trouble really started. My job in itself is mentally taxing, but the grief at home was adding to it. I told him I was leaving, but he locked me in, barricaded the door and cried. I stayed.

Every single week he would invite his mum or sisters round every weekend or he'd go to his hometown around 50 miles away if they weren't able to come up, but if I wanted to travel to see my mum, he'd get the hump and guilt trip me.
I told him I was unhappy, depressed.
He told me that we would go our separate ways once the rental contract expires as it was my "duty" to him to see it out and not to leave him in the sh*t. I stayed here for 12 months in total (been together 2 years by now).
I found myself a new job on the other side of the city and an animal friendly flat (which is entirely in my name) and at the eleventh hour, he decided he was going to move in as he hadn't found anywhere else to go.

Since that day, (6 months ago) things have taken a turn for the worse. The day after moving his things in he reported that he would be moving out very soon as "he was too good to be living in an ex council place" as he "shouldn't have to on his salary" Yet 6 month later, he's still there. I found this very insulting. He grew up on a council estate. I earn more than him, I've had a very privileged life and yet I don't see the problem with ex authority! And in all honesty, it's all I could afford on my own in the capital!

Other things...

He doesn't pay me any rent on time (I don't need his money, it's the principle) though he will contribute towards bills.

He called me a "f***ing c**t for making his steak medium instead of well done. I don't eat meat, I tried my best. He threw a hissy fit and stormed off to the bedroom.

He's completely rigid and totally inflexible. If you move a goal post he can't handle it. He gets really worked up. For example, I want to go to Tesco tomorrow at 8pm, however if I say I need to go today at 4pm, he will throw a wobbly.

He's extremely tight fisted, for example he'll buy milk or toilet rolls and then ask me to transfer him 50p or £2 for my share. He never wants to eat out (despite me loving it) as he thinks it's a "waste of money" and I should cook at home. If we have a falling out and he has (rarely) paid for something such as for my birthday, I will hear about it, such as "you ungrateful tw*t, don't forget I paid £60 bill!" when I spend more than that on groceries every week and don't ask for his contribution. If I do ask, he'll make excuses not to pay. He isn't short of money, he's just been on a very luxurious holiday with his mates.

I'm sure he checks my phone and emails and snoops through my receipts crisising my purchases. He constantly tries to catch me out (when I've done nothing wrong) but I'm always so scared I'm now lying about stupid things such as how much I spent on my frying pan!

He constantly criticises my mum and my kid brother who's 18 (my dads died, so he can't critique him). Says he won't visit my mum's house because it's dirty with the animals and will constantly lecture me about it and have a dig at my brother saying he's useless for not being academic, wearing "chavvy" clothes from Topman, smoking cigarettes, basically anything he can think of and he hardly knows my brother! I don't understand what it's got to do with him! Baring in mind, he won't slag mum or brother off to their faces but is extremely hostile towards them that even they've stopped visiting me. (They don't know the extent of the situation with him).

Worst day of all, I was working a 12 hour shift on Xmas day and then back into work Boxing Day too which was planned months in advance as I was covering the emergency rota. He said we'd have Xmas dinner at 9pm when I got home, he'd buy everything and me not to worry. But I found out from his sister on Xmas eve after he didn't come home from work that he was at his mums and had taken MY dog and was going to spend Xmas with his family and stay there for a week. When I asked him why he didn't tell me he said "well there's no point, you're gonna pretty much miss Xmas anyway" and I should have my mum to come down (pointless asking her to drive a 4 hour round trip as I was back in work at 9am). I spent Xmas completely alone, not even my own dog to keep me company. Am I making a big deal out of it? Or am I being selfish for wanting him to spend some Xmas day with me at our home??

Whenever I ask him to move out, he will have an argument, cry, apologise, tell me he loves me and will be nice for about a day.

On the contrary, he also keeps saying he'll move out when he gets a job closer to his mum, I've helped him apply for more than 20 which takes up a lot of my time and yet tonight when I said I had my own things to do tonight (I've got reports to write for work), told me I could be a "right c*nt at times" now he's stormed off to the bedroom and is crying.

He's threatened to make my "life hell" if I leave him.

Why I haven't left...

I'm alone in this city, I have no friends or family here. I'm worried as to what he might do to me/himself if he moved out.

I haven't packed up and gone back to mum's as I'm now a partner in a practice so I don't want to give that up.

I don't know how to get him out of MY flat and honestly, I have such low self esteem now, I'm just putting up with this sh*t.

Thank you so much for even opening this thread. Putting it on "paper" makes it all seem clearer.

Serioussteve Wed 13-Jan-16 04:40:52

I'm a man and I hate the word "cunt", it makes me wince, highly offensive and disrespectful.

You do realise he's emotionally abusing you I hope, there's a great link with a list to check through, I'm sure one of the wonderful ladies will post it soon.

You moved initially and then moved out into your own place and he followed you, you have your head screwed on and have a good career progressing. You don't need someone like this making you miserable.

As is often said, what are you getting out of the relationship?

Incidentally, if you want him to leave and he refuses you can call the police and have them remove him and take any keys he will not handover to you.

Take care.

Serioussteve Wed 13-Jan-16 04:41:17

I'm a man and I hate the word "cunt", it makes me wince, highly offensive and disrespectful.

You do realise he's emotionally abusing you I hope, there's a great link with a list to check through, I'm sure one of the wonderful ladies will post it soon.

You moved initially and then moved out into your own place and he followed you, you have your head screwed on and have a good career progressing. You don't need someone like this making you miserable.

As is often said, what are you getting out of the relationship?

Incidentally, if you want him to leave and he refuses you can call the police and have them remove him and take any keys he will not handover to you.

Take care.

Serioussteve Wed 13-Jan-16 04:41:41

I'm a man and I hate the word "cunt", it makes me wince, highly offensive and disrespectful.

You do realise he's emotionally abusing you I hope, there's a great link with a list to check through, I'm sure one of the wonderful ladies will post it soon.

You moved initially and then moved out into your own place and he followed you, you have your head screwed on and have a good career progressing. You don't need someone like this making you miserable.

As is often said, what are you getting out of the relationship?

Incidentally, if you want him to leave and he refuses you can call the police and have them remove him and take any keys he will not handover to you.

Take care.

Serioussteve Wed 13-Jan-16 04:42:05

I'm a man and I hate the word "cunt", it makes me wince, highly offensive and disrespectful.

You do realise he's emotionally abusing you I hope, there's a great link with a list to check through, I'm sure one of the wonderful ladies will post it soon.

You moved initially and then moved out into your own place and he followed you, you have your head screwed on and have a good career progressing. You don't need someone like this making you miserable.

As is often said, what are you getting out of the relationship?

Incidentally, if you want him to leave and he refuses you can call the police and have them remove him and take any keys he will not handover to you.

Take care.

Serioussteve Wed 13-Jan-16 04:42:55

I'm a man and I hate the word "cunt", it makes me wince, highly offensive and disrespectful.

You do realise he's emotionally abusing you I hope, there's a great link with a list to check through, I'm sure one of the wonderful ladies will post it soon.

You moved initially and then moved out into your own place and he followed you, you have your head screwed on and have a good career progressing. You don't need someone like this making you miserable.

As is often said, what are you getting out of the relationship?

Incidentally, if you want him to leave and he refuses you can call the police and have them remove him and take any keys he will not handover to you.

Take care.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 13-Jan-16 04:46:13

Is he on your rental contract?
I struggle to see why you let him move on to your flat with you. surely it was meant to be for you alone?
He's emotionally abused you and it's hard to break free of that but you have the right to leave him. Or make him leave you:

RickJames Wed 13-Jan-16 07:11:15

He sounds quite dangerous so be careful. I think you should give him 1 weeks notice to leave and if he kicks off just call the police to remove him. Plan ahead and take any valuables or important things to work and leave them there until he's gone. He is an abusive leech but just focus on how blissful it will be when he's gone.

RideEmCowgirl Wed 13-Jan-16 07:18:50

I really don't see the issue here. It is your flat in your name only. He does not have a contract with the landlord or name on the lease etc.

When he goes out, bag his stuff up and change the locks. If he kicks off phone 999 and tell them you are in fear of your life.

Lovemusic33 Wed 13-Jan-16 07:24:08

You need to be thought and follow it through when you ask him to leave, I know it's hard, took me years to kick out dh as he would cry, apologise and promise to change, eventually I had enough and I asked him to leave, I told him I was going out for a couple hours and wanted him gone when I got back, left him to pack and sort out somewhere to stay, I turned my phone off so he could not phone me and beg me to let him stay.

I am now with a new partner who works hard and still helps cook when he gets home from work smile, you deserve better.

allyjay Wed 13-Jan-16 07:30:42

My love this is terrible, terrible abuse this man is subjecting you to. You don't have children with him, you aren't financially dependent on him and the flat is in your name, all of which is in your favour. I think if I was in your position I would think about contacting the police to get him removed. Be careful he sounds so dreadfully manipulative and dangerous. But get him out of your life you must flowers

mix56 Wed 13-Jan-16 08:11:06

To boot him out you have to accept being alone in the city you live in, temporarily.
Getting him out is easy if you really want to, change the locks & block his calls, call him to say his belongings are on the doorstep.
He took your dog for a week ?? unforgivable

Can you sell your share in the partnership & move back nearer to your Mum ?

Isetan Wed 13-Jan-16 08:16:23

This man is abusing you and he's unlikely to leave the comfortable life his victim affords him voluntary, which means you need to stop asking and start telling. Pop into you local police station and tell them that your bf will not leave your home and you fear that he will become more abusive, if you tried to enforce his removal.

Despite what his entitled arse thinks, he is not your responsibility and you do need his permission or approval to end a relationship that isn't in your best interests.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time but fortunately, there's a lot you can do to change it.

N3wYear2016 Wed 13-Jan-16 08:18:57

i would give him a months notice to move out & tell him its over

Stop cooking or doing anything for him

I think you should make it clear that you moved to this flat to start a new life without him

You have a good job, a flat, your animals

You dont need this man

PurpleWithRed Wed 13-Jan-16 08:28:40

Good first step writing it all down so you can see how abusive and manipulative he is. This is not someone you negotiate with or ask to do things. It's very unlikely he will hurt himself if you chuck him out but if he chooses to do something to himself that's his choice and not your responsibility.

I second what everyone else above says: do a bit of forward planning then wait till he's out, change the locks, send him a text telling him where all his stuff is and go strict no contact. If he comes to the flat call the police. Tell your mum, your colleagues and your friends what you've done so they can support you.

Just do it. This has to stop.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 13-Jan-16 08:50:51

I am a vet to our job is emotionally draining enough without all of this. We have our own charity specifically to provide support in this kind of situation - the veterinary benevolent fund. They have the vet helpline - 03030402551 who will give you confidential support.
If necessary they will also offer practical support. Please give them a call.

JapanNextYear Wed 13-Jan-16 08:52:37

Invite a friend or relative to stay, for a week. Tell him that's happening and that he needs to move out before then. While friend or relative is there, change the locks and then spend the week reacquainting yourself with who you are, when they've gone have something new planned to start, hobby, class or whatever. Or just enjoy eating what you want to eat and not having to cook etc.

He sounds v hard work so having someone there will help you and protect you. Tbh what he does to himself isn't your problem.

It's run its course well and truly!

You may well find people you haven't seen in a while will be delighted to hear from you. Maybe even think about where you want to live?

With your experience I'd be tempted to find someone to love and have your pets for a while and work abroad !

SkiptonLass2 Wed 13-Jan-16 09:00:28

Can you get your brother to come down for when you tell him and when he needs to go? Having another person around can give you protection and support.
How do you feel about a notice period? With a guy like this I'd tell him to leave immediately and find a hotel- it's not hard to find short term lets in London and he can afford a week or two in a cheap hotel or he can go to his parents. I think if you give him a month to leave you're going to spend a month at the receiving end of some very shitty behaviour to be honest.
I second the idea of popping into your local police to ask for advice. If you need them on the day don't hesitate to call them.
If he threatens you at all call the police. Be wary - move jewellery photos and documents somewhere else before you tell him to go. Remember that the most dangerous time with men like this is when they are losing their grip. He's going to whine, shout, threaten etc. Hold fast.
And assume he has key copies - change the locks the same day he goes.

And what you do after, well, yes you'll be by yourself for a bit but that's ok. You've got your job and your animals. You'll find you feel so much better after he's not wearing you down any more. You may stay or you may go home but don't think too much on that just now. You need to get your ducks in a row and get this twat out of your house.
Prepare
Have backup
Have contingencies.

Good luck. You'll be ok if you Can get him out.

SkiptonLass2 Wed 13-Jan-16 09:02:47

Oh and if he threatens suicide call 101. Let the police deal with it

pocketsaviour Wed 13-Jan-16 09:07:37

What was that steve, I didn't catch it grin

OP this man is a thorough shitbag and you need rid.

As PPs have said, the flat is in your name and as you are not married he has no legal right to stay there. Happy days! Given his previous record of physically abusing and controlling you (you mentioned barricading you in the previous flat) I think it would be advisable to change the locks and leave his stuff outside while he's gone. I would normally say give him notice but in this case all that's going to happen is he's going to take you hostage (emotionally and literally) again until he breaks you down.

Afterwards - I'd imagine without this fucknugget dragging you down you'll be much more open to finding friends and building a social circle. Or, now you've got partnership, you'll be in a much better position to move back nearer your home town in the future should you choose to do so.

Chin up - it will be tough to stand up for yourself initially because this shit has been grinding you down for so long. But once you've got him out, he's gone. No kids, no joint property - so no need to ever talk to him again, you can just block his number and start living the life you deserve.

DoreenLethal Wed 13-Jan-16 09:08:50

Is your 6 month lease up yet?

Can you find somewhere else, and move there and just not tell him your new address? It will be worth it in the end to get shot of this complete loser and abuser.

DoreenLethal Wed 13-Jan-16 09:09:44

But if you don't want to move, as above, you can pack his gear up, and change the locks and kick him out - call it in if he starts being aggressive.

Chinesealan Wed 13-Jan-16 09:16:17

Please do as lonecat suggests and call the vet helpline. How wonderful that the profession provides this sort of support.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 13-Jan-16 09:19:48

Take a couple of days off work but don't tell him.

When he leaves for work on the first day, gather up your documents and most valuable possessions and drop them off at your office. They are then safe.

Book a locksmith for that day. Go back home and get the locks changed.

Get your brother or another friend to come and stay for a few days for moral support if you can. a
Bag up his stuff and leave it on the doorstep.

Do not open the door to him, leave a note on top of his stuff saying after so many discussions when you've asked him to leave, and the time when you tried to leave him and he barricaded you in the house, you feel this is the only option available.

There will be fireworks. If he threatens you, call 999. He has somewhere to go, he can go to his mothers.

Do not put up with this shit for a moment longer than you have to.

The other alternative is to find a new flat, give notice to the LL that you are coming off the lease, and then do a moonlight flit, but I fail to see why you have to.

Women's Aid can help you too. Because you are being emotionally abused and that's now a crime in this country.

notarehearsal Wed 13-Jan-16 09:25:13

I'm speaking from experience when I say this man sounds as if he has a personality disorder, possibly borderline. Please be careful, perceived rejection is a dangerous time. Get the police involved. This is abuse

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now