Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I finished with him, planning baby alone!(57 Posts)
I finished with the man I was the ow for. The advice. On here was deeply profound and allowed me to see the relationship for what it really was- lies and lies, topped with a side order of lies.
He lied saying he was single, he lied again saying they were just living together for financial reasons and probably lied again when he said he was trapped in a loveless and sexless relationship.
Worse than that I lied to myself, I told myself I was who he loved and once things were sorted I would get to be with him.
I met him today and told him I was not prepared to wait for him I grow a pair, I know he has been on dating sites and messaging other women to get a second ow and our relationship is over.
He left after crying and saying he didn't want to loose me and text me later saying he knows I deserve better and that he loves me so much but he will never accept the baby we have conceived and will never be in it's life.
I replied telling him I'm sure I have enough love that our child won't miss out and I promise to be the best mother I can and taise our child well. He responded that I should look after myself and our baby.
I then deleted his number and all previous contact.
It was so hard and I've cried all day but I have to go NC or I will cave.
I feel so sick with morning sickness and I just need a huge cuddle. :-(
I know this is my own fault for staying with him once I found out he was married, I was just so devastated thy everything I thought we had was a huge pile of lies, that come so easily from his lips.
No point to this post really except to just let it all out . X
Do you have some real life support? It must be very hard for you to come to terms with his lies, while also being pregnant and having to consider your child's future. Take one thing at a time. Have you confided in family or friends?
You will end up so much happier not being an ow (or indeed one of many) but right now, you need to focus on getting through the short term (and NOT going back to that dick.)
So this twat is thinking about totally walking away from a baby he helped conceive???
Fine well done for breaking contact and for seeing him for what he is but please consider going to CMS for money to help raise your DC. The money is not for you but for DC. Why should he get away scot free.
Congratulations on your pregnancy
Sorry to hear about your situation. The good thing is that you've definitely done the right thing to end the relationship and cut contact - well done. Being a single mum will be hard but you can do it, enlist the support of family and friends and you will be ok.
The one thing I will say is that even though he says he wants nothing to do with the child, legally he is obligated to support his child financially by paying child maintenance. See Child Maintenance Options for more info. His contribution will be based on his salary and they can get the information directly from HMRC to ensure he isn't lying about his earnings. He may deny paternity in which case I think they will ask him to take a paternity test to prove he is not the father.
Well done for walking away OP.
Fwiw I found having a baby much easier when I was on my own, then when I was in a bad relationship.
You have your whole future ahead of you
Make sure you apply for child support. He can't just walk away. Not only that. He shouldn't be allowed to walk away and move on to a new ow, still deceiving his wife and lying to someone else and screwing life's up.
What a sleaze bag. Make sure you get cm, he has a duty to financially support the child.
The problem is if I apply for cm his wife will know that he has conceived a child. I promised him I wouldn't do anything I compromise his family. I know that was silly of me but I don't need the financial support so if I'm going nc ild rather it was complete nc at all. He has been messaging me all morning and I've been deleting without looking. Can I block his mobile no or will I have to change my number to do that.
Going NC rather that claiming support is a 'now' decision. But project forward 5, 12, 18 years.... It won't always be 2016 and needs change
It doesn't matter what you promised him. He presumably promised his wife to 'foresake all other'. You may not need the money now, but maybe one day you will. You did not force him to impregnate you. Once the baby arrives, call CMS.
He is financially responsible for his child. A claim for such should be made through the authorities. Do not let him get away with not being financially responsible.
And it is him who has compromised his family, not only you. Don't forget that!
You can block his number without changing your number. If you tell us what phone you have we can advise how to do it.
If you apply for child maintenance and his wife finds out, that's his problem not yours. As PPs have said, he's the one who's compromised his family. He has a legal duty to support his child financially.
I actually think that if his wife founds out it will be better for her, she will know the truth and be able to decide whether to stay with him based on who he actually is, not who she thinks he is. Not that you should tell her - but the fear of her finding out should certainly not stop you claiming child maintenance.
Also, you say you don't need the financial support, but the money if for your child, not you. Look up how much it costs to raise a child. You might be shocked. And if you add up maintenance payments over the child's lifetime it will be a lot - enough to put towards university fees or a house deposit, if you really don't need to spend it on other things before then.
Don't promise him anything. You definitely need that money to raise your child even if you don't think so now. How do you know that you will be able to provide for your child financially? I am a lone parent and my dc have Sen. I have had to give up my beloved career to become a full-time carer. Every penny counts.
It's his problem if that causes him issues within his marriage. And his attitude stinks - I love you so much but want nothing to do with our child? He is probably shitting himself.
You have no loyalty to him. DC cost a lot to raise. Even if you don't need the money now you can put it away for when your DC is older. Nobody knows what is round the corner and what you may or may not be able to afford in the future. Childhood goes scarily fast. baby groups, toddler groups, swimming lessons, birthday parties (your dcs own and as a guest) shoes they grow out of at a ridiculous rate,School trips, uniform, bus fare at secondary school, honestly the list is endless. GThe costs go on.
Also, and I know this isn't your responsibilty, but every time a woman lets a man get away with this behaviour then men will keep assuming they can get away with it.
I think given this man's treacherous treatment of you, all promises made in the past are null and void. Please apply for child support.
You can't punish your child because of the promise you made. Your child deserves to get the child maintenance to make their life mo comfortable. Your responsibility is to your child, not his family.
I agree with everyone else I'm afraid OP, things can change a lot financially and CM can't be backdated, put it away for your child's future if you don't need it now. It's probable you still feel some
misguided loyalty to your ex at the moment but you won't always feel like this. He deceived you and thought little enough of you to not protect you against pregnancy knowing that he was not free to help you raise a child, he was in full receipt of the facts about his situation, you were not. When your feelings for him have faded and you are left with the cold reality of his irresponsible and deceitful behaviour you may well feel very different about his unwillingness to face up to the consequences of his actions so don't get bogged down with worrying about the repercussions on his marriage, that's his responsibility not yours.
He Said if his wife finds out she will stop him seeing his kids, I have caused this as much as him, I feel half responsible, that said if it was my DH having an affair I would want to know the truth.
My sister did what you propose, but she had our parents to fall back on - they loved it, so no problem there.
But before you commit yourself to going it alone, re-read your OP. He has contacted other women, he has disowned his child and you have promised not to compromise his family.
Can you see it, you wrote it, but can you see it yet?
When you do you will be really angry. Come back and rant and rage here. You will get all the support you need to look after yourself and your child.
What happens with his wife and dc isnot your concern (tho I assume you only have his word she said it anyway) your loyalty and obligation is to your dc and to yourself.
That is not your problem though, he needs to manage that himself, and be honest he's only telling you that because he doesn't want to cough up. You need to support your child. When your child asks why their dad isn't paying maintainence what are you going to tell them? You put another family before them?
Oh boy. Right, so this week you may need to nothing but let it all sink in and let some of the heat of how you feel dissipate so you can start making some hard decisions.
You will get some great advice on here and some absolutely shocking advice. So far you haven't made great decisions so the first thing on your list should be finding a highly qualified private therapist who can offer you real support and advice. They can be a life changer.
As for the man you owe him nothing but you do owe your child a whole lot. You will need to realise that this child is owed a chance to know his or her family, all of them. You can hide an affair but not a baby. Imagine the shock to everyone when it comes to light that their is another half sibling out there. Imagine the anger. The longer this is hidden the worse it will be. You may wait to tell the wife until the baby is born but either you do it or he he can do it. Him saying she will withhold the kids is emotional blackmail and an attempt to silence you. Don't buy it. She can't legally withhold the kids even from this guy. The wife may or may not want the new baby to meet the kids but you can only control how you behave. How will this baby feel when they find out they were hidden away like some horrid secret? This will be hard for everyone and you are going to need a huge amount of support.
You may not need the money now but don't turn it down. It is owed to your child who may have needs you couldn't have imagined. And it can't be backdated. You can arrange something privately but do get a court order.
If he's clever enough to bang multiple women without his wife finding out, he's clever enough to work out how to give you an appropriate amount of CM every month without her twigging.
Don't let him rip off your child, OP. I can understand you want to move on, but you're doing your child out of what they're entitled to.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.