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Affair over?

(32 Posts)
allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:25:42

hi - I have fallen for another man. Marriage sexless since the beginning, one child by ivf and found out husband had been using escorts. other man swept me off my feet and i fell fallen madly in love. we made plans for the future (he is single) (had a 3 month affair - am shocked that I did it) and he said in November we couldn't meet again until i was free and things needed to be in the proper order. OM said he wanted to see me the relationship with the OM gave me the impetus to file for divorce but i texted OM before xmas to say I am now separated and divorce progressing and not heard anything!! suspect I am being really silly here but is the OM gone for good or is he waiting until i am really free i.e. divorced. any advice/common sense needed please!

ALaughAMinute Tue 12-Jan-16 20:31:37

Sorry to say but it sounds like he was using the fact that you are married as an excuse to ditch you.

The good news is you are now separated so you are free to date who you want.

Newyearnewme2016 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:33:51

He might have met someone else.

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:44:01

Thanks ladies. Feel so hurt as fell madly in love! And still am! Be careful with your hearts!

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jan-16 20:48:39

ally, I would not "give my heart" to a bloke happy to shag a married woman and plan a "future" with him after 3 months

it looks like he sharked out a vulnerable woman and used you, I am afraid

I am sorry your husband turned out to be a complete cock, but I don't think your "boyfriend" is any better, tbh

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 20:55:49

It wasn't a physical relationship but agree with you...!

12purpleapples Tue 12-Jan-16 20:57:07

At least now you are out of the marriage and free to find an nicer relationship smile

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jan-16 21:12:01

ok, no shagging

not sure that's any better, tbh

you might as well have done (at least you would have some more good memories of it)

what is happening with your sex industry-using husband ?

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:16:26

My husband wants to give things another go and there are a lot of financial issues to sort. Am confused and I know what you've said it was only 3 months but I did fall hard and still trying to get over it! X

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:17:55

I am just shocked at the other mans behaviour or maybe I am naive which is possible as have been isolated from the dating world for 20 years!

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jan-16 21:21:31

I would be more shocked at your husband's behaviour

He owed you loyalty

The other dickhead didn't make any vows to you

My advice is to fuck both of them off permanently and stay away from men until you have built up your defences again, love

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:23:37

That's the conclusion I have come to too! I deserve so much better.
This is my first posting on mumsnet and glad I am getting some hard hitting views!! Keep them coming!

Florene Tue 12-Jan-16 21:26:05

You said you texted him, have you considered calling him instead? I would have thought something as big as this would merit a phone call at least.

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:26:54

Hi Florene, I did leave a message on his phone also!

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:30:54

If his intentions were honourable it wouldn't have mattered how I go in touch...

VocationalGoat Tue 12-Jan-16 21:42:04

Oh OP... I can feel your pain. Honestly. You've been handed a lousy deck of cards in the love department, but it doesn't have to be that way. Releasing yourself from a soul destroying marriage allows you to meet someone who is open and available to love you.

I just hope you find the strength to go it alone because believe me, I know how tempting it is to return to the devil you know.
I can't say it better than AnyFucker did. AnyFucker is, as always, spot on and wise!
Indeed, your DH is the jerk who hung you out to dry in the first place. The OM just picked up his tab. These two combined are obstacles on your path. And the fact that OM doesn't even have the decency to communicate with you says it all: weak, weak, weak man.

Although I didn't have another man that I fell in love with, I was married to a pr*ck. We broke up and then he wanted to have another go. I went back, made a fool of myself again and finally filed for divorce. We had our son, so in a way, having a DC was a real pull factor in trying to make a go of it again. But it was the wrong thing to do. So we broke up and there I was, out there... dating! I found myself, like you, flummoxed by men. Had they changed? Had I? Did I not ever notice how dishonest they were?
Well, none and all of the above. There are some awesome blokes out there. And love is something that you should never give up on having in your life. Love will find its way to you. I swore off men for years after quickly learning that I was seen as a vulnerable single mum. I attracted a couple of cow pats post divorce and decided to have some much-needed 'me' time. It was just me and my boy and it was awesome... a struggle financially, but hands down, those years hold some of the most glorious moments in my life. And they happened without the need for a male audience.

Get back to basics. Get back to you. This is going to hurt like hell for a while, but roll with it. Get out and about. Keep on moving and try not to let any dark clouds settle over you. Easier said than done, but try and just get through this pain. flowers

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:48:29

Thank Florene. I like you have a son - he is 4
and the light of my life! It will be worse financially but I would rather be alone than with someone who treated me badly. The OM is a dickhead! He even told me that his previous girlfriend ended it by calling him a dickhead!!!. That's another term I never heard til recently! It will be scary going it alone but I have a good job and a lot going for me so deep done know I will be fine. And the good thing is have learned a lot from the OM situation so wknt make the same mistakes again!! X

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:51:53

This should have said hi 'vocational goat'!

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jan-16 22:03:08

Sounds like you have a lot going for you

Don't look for your validation is crappy men

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jan-16 22:03:13


Christinayangstwistedsista Tue 12-Jan-16 22:03:27

You should be focussing on the fact that you were willing to stay in a sexless marriage with a man who cheats rather than worrying an on

Take some time out of relationships, make sure yours D's is okay and then work on yourself

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 22:14:27

Thanks for the advice. I have gone through all emotions from thinking I did something wrong (in both cases) to knowing deep down that I deserve better as have always worked hard and tried to be a good person. But know now that uf you don't value yourself no one else will!

smallfry16 Tue 12-Jan-16 22:31:47

I think your OM was a result of OH seeing escorts, how do feel about what OH did or don't you care anymore which would be a good thing. Very hard to get over I would thnk.

allymcbeal1 Tue 12-Jan-16 22:36:05

In a way feel less upset about escorts than by his comment that he never loved me unconditionally or trusted me. He never had a reason not to trust me apart from last few months when I was vulnerable and as other fucker said was somewhat taken advantage of by OM who said he loved me etc and all the things I wanted to hear...

smallfry16 Tue 12-Jan-16 23:03:38

OMG he said he didn't trust you. What a dick of course he did. He's projecting big time, Don't fall for that bullshit.
in the end you did cheat but never let him know that. His escorting probably goes way back.

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