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What on earth just happenned?(82 Posts)
Sorry if this is long, I will try and put as few words as I can to get the tale across but just feel so blindsided by this person I can't understand why anyone would do this.
I met him online but I didn't really fancy him and liked someone else so we never met. I ended up seeing someone else. He was always sending me messages though, and quite often phoned too and we became quite friendly and got to know each other paltonically quite well. We told all our past relationship stories and about our jobs and friends and lives and sent photos from our holidays and this went on for about a year.
He was such a nice guy, and all the way through he would be saying things like, “hey, wouldn’t it be great to take a trip away for the day to the beach together” and to be honest the reason I never wanted to meet him was that I felt he would like me a lot more than I liked him and didn't want to break his heart as he seemed so lovely.
Then after about 11 months of us getting to know each other, I had a really bad day one day a few weeks after I'd had a split, and he caught me at a weak moment and he offered to come over to help me set up my new smart TV. We ended up having a bottle of wine and ended up in bed.
To my suprise we got on very well and there was lots of attraction and he seemed so keen and I liked him back so all of a sudden we were some sort of item. Right off the bat he was extremely attentive, kind, and available any time for me and he invited me as his date to his work party and then once more as his date to a dinner with his friends and it felt very much like things were going fantastically.
Then all of a sudden he changes. One day he is all over me and can’t wait to talk or see me and no obstacle is big enough…then 3 or 4 days passes and I hear nothing and get quite one-word answers and suddenly he is "tired" or his phone battery was flat or there is always an excuse.
I can see from online sources and various other things that he is just at home on his own, but he is also online a lot, and clearly chatting to someone else and I feel my stomach sink because all his behavior points to something funny going on but I almost just can't believe he would do that to me.
So I tolerated that for all of about two weeks, then called the whole thing off. I told him his strange behavior wasn’t acceptable for me, and that he obviously wasn’t that into me and to forget the whole thing.
But he won't let me go really, he is upset and tells me I have read it completely wrong and that he has only created distance as he felt we were falling in love and he needed time to adjust. So we get back together, but he continues doing the same thing even thought he knew it upset me the first time. Worse also, all the amazing dates he promised me come to zero. All he ever wants to do is come to my place so I feel like just sex to him.
When I point that out he says he is very hurt and how could I think I was just sex to him. So, I end it again because all this is screaming at me as red flags.
But I felt so absolutely conflicted and guilty for splitting up with him. I genuinely felt like he might be completely innocent and that I was causing all the problems myself and so I am very up and down and feeling completely confused and upset.
Then after doubting myself for two months, I found out he actually had been speaking with other women whilst seeing me and I am fuming angry so confront him saying it’s obvious the hot and cold behavior wasn't because of his “deep feelings for me” but because he had more than one girl going at the same time.
He admits it and says he is very sorry and he shows all the signs of genuine remorse and explains that he likes me a lot, much more than he expected to before we met and that he is very scared of real intimacy with someone as he has been so badly hurt once before he doesn't like to lose control or feel like someone has the power to hurt him. So he says he knows he spoiled things and has ruined his own happiness as well as mine.
I was very angry and didn't speak to him for weeks, but slowly we started to talk again and he told me he's miserable, that he misses me, that he didn't like any of the other girls at all but he was just being stupid. I am very skeptical but notice that he's never online, he doesn't go to the dating websites (I can see all this) and so I feel he might be being genuine.
He asks me for another chance, and I tell him all right, but let's take it very slowly. We discuss his fear of getting close and decide we will make things casual with no pressure on us and just have a few dates and see where it goes. He tells me that he will absolutely never again chat to other girls, or go strange and cold on me and that he has learned from his mistake and wants to just see what happens with us.
So after sorting through this by phone over a few weeks, I feel ready for us to meet up again. We go away for a lovely weekend that he's planned and he's put so much effort into it and spends the whole time being really close and sharing his emotions and all about his childhood and everything and I am (fucking idiot) sitting there thinking we are obviously on track now and everything will be wonderful.
He drops me home after a lovely weekend and then spends a few hours after he leaves messaging me what a lovely time he had all all that nice stuff and I am (fucking idiot) walking on air because it feels really right this time.
The he drops off the face of the earth. And all of a sudden he is back on dating websites within 24 hours (I can see he's logged on as I was checking) and worse still, he is permanently online so obviously talking to other girls again!!!!!!
I'm heartbroken. He just seemed so absolutely genuine I can't understand it. And I know he will message me again in a few days like nothing has happenned (he always did this before) and I have no idea what to do or say.
What on earth would posess an adult to behave in such a way? Is he a psychopath or something?
He's toying with you. You pull away, he reels you back in. Then he rejects you, you pull away, he reels you back in.
At least he is consistent though, as the pattern you have outlined aptly demonstrates.
Basically, I wouldn't waste any brain power trying to fathom what sort of a lunatic he is.
Just block all contact with him.
What a strange person!!
He obviously has issues so I would cut ties once and for all.
Why do you keep forgiving him?
He's not interested in you. He likes the thrill of the chase, he likes having lots of women interested in him. That's it.
Block his number so he can't text you in a few days. Stop checking up on him on dating sites. Most importantly, figure out why you think so little of yourself that you'd keep taking him back. He's been an absolute twat every step of the way, and he's played you like a fiddle. He hasn't even had to put much effort in.
I had an ex like this. We didn't meet online so not alike in that way, but the same in that he would string me along with little attention until I asked what the fuck was going on, and then love bomb me for a couple of days, tell me that I was amazing and the best woman in the whole world and the love of his life etc.... And then the cycle would start again. We eventually split up after he totally dissapeared for a fortnight. He had been talking to (at the very least) another woman.
I'm pretty convinced that he was a sociopath.
I put up with his nonsense for almost three years. Fuck knows why. Don't do the same.
I'd advise you stop trying to work out his motivations (however painful, frustrating and confusing this is for you) and just file him under 'dick'. Don't waste any more time analysing this or him. Block him and move on
He sounds bizarre. I can't explain his behaviour but I do think - and it's not often I say this on here - that you should cut him out of your life completely, pronto. Don't get drawn into a full conversation with him ever again.
You were a huge challenge. He got you.
Some people are like that.
Honestly, nobody is worth being messed about.
He likes it when you want him.
Id just drop him.
Thanks. I know trying to understand a sick idiot is a waste of time but it's hard not to what to know why so much of my time was wasted and what the bloody point was.
I hope you aren't in Yorkshire OP as I feel like I met the same man & am brokenhearted too
Its been instructive to read the sound comments here..
The point was his ego, simply that. He got a kick out of the chase. He's a hideous human being, block and delete.
You've had a hard lesson in not giving someone more than a second chance.
I call these men "green light, red light men". I went out with one on and off for 3 years and it was the most toxic relationship I have ever been in and it made me doubt my sanity. Read this book, Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins, change your phone number and DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT see him again.
Gosh - the 'doubt my sanity' comment resonates! I wondered if I'd misconstrued stuff rather than him having done a 180...one of the useful things about keeping the (*lovely ) messages was being able to see that no it was him doing more than one volte face!
He just wants to have his cake, eat it AND make trifle out of it. Even better if the cake massages his ego at the same time.
I don't believe the "I got hurt" schtick for a minute. That's just his way of granting himself a licence to be a bellend. I had a hot/cold relationship like this for a couple it years. He fed me the same sort of stuff about struggling to cope with his feelings etc. Turned out in the end he just thought I was too fat for him (despite being in the middle of the healthy bmi range at the time). Point being, the more deep and complex the reason, the more likely it is to be stinky hairy bullshit.
You could have the last laugh/upper hand if you just tell him it's over and block him. And I think you'll be glad in the long run if you do; players' games are no fun. But you have to be ready to do that, and I completely get that you might not be there yet.
I read a quote that I liked when going through this with my idiot ex:
"I usually give people more chances than they deserve. But when I'm done, I'm done."
Oh god, this shit again.
I'm in Australia, so about as far from Yorkshire as you can get, otherwise I'd swear it was my ex.
In summary: these men are fucked in the head, OP. They have Major Ishoos. It's not about you, or your awesomeness or lack thereof. It's about them.
This man is almost certainly incapable of having a proper adult relationship with anybody. He is 100% incapable of having one with you.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix it. He is broken.
Save yourself a whole load of angst and walk away. Now.
He is a game player.
The blowing hot and cold are the first steps in him trying to control you. It's done to make you vulnerable, so that you will never know how he will be when you see him, you won't know what to expect, you will be grateful and thrilled when he is kind and it all goes well.
Run, run for the hills, and don't look back!
It's pretty straightforward. He's keeping his options open.
He comes across someone new online - gets really into them, messaging and possibly meeting up. That doesn't go well, he comes back to you.
He will eventually meet someone he likes more than you and who likes him and you won't see him for dust.
Never make someone your priority who does not make you their priority.
You are not his priority. Sorry
He perhaps likes you a bit, but not enough to commit.
Mainly, he wants someone on tap who is hanging on his every word (to make himself feel desired) while he works his way through all the other women who might be of interest to him. Yuck.
On the bright side, some people do this whilst in a commited relationship and the fallout for their partners is even more horrendous. Consider it a lesson learnt in reading red flags and block him.
for you because it feels rotten to be treated so badly.
You have been badly burned here. You didn't listen to your intuition from the beginning and went against what it was telling you (we have all done it). Do not allow yourself to be treated this way. The man is an awful **.
You deserve better. Cut off all contact, don't take his calls, emails or anything. Listen to your gut, if you allow him any more of your time you are a fool. Don't allow yourself to be used by him. Look after yourself
I think you need to turn up your warning bells and start listening to them in future.
You seem to be very forgiving and very passive in your decision making. He sounds confused and a bit of an idiot but you sound confused too.
I'd stop trying to analyse him as you won't get him to change his ways and its hopefully irrelevant now. You need to be a bit more honest with yourself over what you want out of a relationship and not allow yourself to be so easily swayed into giving people quite so many chances (especially when sex is involved)
He enjoys getting someone reluctant to have sex with him, to have sex with him. Makes him feel like he's 'won'. If he can 'win' over two or more women at the same time, all the better.
He doesn't really give a shit about you. I'm sorry.
See if you can get hold of a copy of a book called 'The Unfair Sex', by Nina Farewell. It's very tongue-in-cheek, but does a great job of describing and explaining a huge range of techniques that (mostly) insincere blokes use to get sex. Based on your OP, he has already worked through The Gibraltar (being your rock, hanging around being your friend until one day you're feeling low and end up in bed), The Rush (showering you with attention - until he gets laid), The Charity Drive (oh poor him, he's been hurt in the past, won't you make him better?) and The Confidence Game (he will take you out on many lovely dates at some unspecified point in the future, just sleep with him first).
I'm sorry you've been hurt by this cunt. He won't change. Block him on absolutely everything. No matter what he says, you do not owe him an explanation, another chance, a moment to explain.
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