Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Girlfriend danced with "step brother" on a night out....(136 Posts)
To cut a long story short I'm looking for some opinions on something that happened recently that is really bothering me.
On Christmas day at my girlfriends family's house they had a surprise visit from her mams new husbands sons, they both flew over from Australia. I've been with my girlfriend nearly two years and up until then didn't even know they existed. Both of them are pretty good looking, well built lads. My girlfriend was so exited to see one of them in particular it raised a bit of a weird feeling for me, I guess jealousy is the word I'm looking for. This lad is not blood related and she mentioned him a good few times over the next few days. I never showed her I was feeling jealous, at the time I thought it was unwarranted and down to my insecurities.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and we got an invite to the lads leaving party as they're going back to Australia shortly. We spend the night in a social club drinking and head to a busy bar/club at the end of the night. My girlfriend is their, along with her mam, her "stepdad" and his sons and each of the sons girlfriends.
By the end of the night my girlfriend and the lad I had a funny feeling about (her step brother) were on the dance floor together, holding hands, his arms around her waist and on the top of her backside, she had her arms around his shoulders and neck, their faces right next to each other and to my eyes it looked wrong. This went on for about an hour, I tried on two occasions to come over and join them as I felt like a right fool standing their with her mam while she was dancing with him but she basically ignored me. I took a couple of photos of them in each others arms with the intent to show her in the morning because I knew she would say I was just being jealous and it was nothing. The lad she was dancing with could see I was getting upset and came over and said something along the lines of "she might be dancing like that with me but at least she's going home with you mate", apparently he was trying to make me feel better but it really didn't come across that way to me at the time.
Foolishly I ended up talking about this with her on the night and because of my drunken state I didn't put this across in the manner I would have liked. She is now super angry at me for being "disgusting" for suggesting something was going on. She states she cares about him like a brother and they were just having fun.
Meanwhile I've showed the photos to several people who have all said it doesn't look right and she was at very least not being very respectful to me by dancing with him like that. I've not brought it up with her again since as I know she's still mad about it all. This has really upset me, I never in a million years thought she would dance that close with someone in front of me, we always saw eye to eye on what we each found acceptable behavior while in a relationship etc, I literally couldn't believe my eyes when I saw them. Up until now I trusted her 100% and that has been spoiled because right now I can't believe her.
She was adamant I was being unreasonable and jealous but I feel like I know what I saw. I know the lads girlfriend was also out that night and I'm not sure what she made of all of this. I called the lads dad last night to apologize for causing a scene by mentioning I was unhappy about it and he replied by saying "you don't need to apologize I understand".
What are people's opinions on this? Am I being a jealous maniac? Am I over reacting? Is she hiding something from me about this? Or should I just drop it?
Would you consider that a normal way to dance with a distant family member? Personally I would never dance with my mams partners daughter like that. I'm so shocked about the whole thing and I really hope it's just me being daft and over exaggerating things. I still have the photos and I'm unsure if I should show them to my girlfriend so she can see what it looked like to me. If I'm wrong about it she's going to be very upset I don't trust her but I just can't internalize how she felt comfortable doing that in front of me.
No point showing the photos to her unless you want another row. You should finish it and find someone who treats you like they want to be with you. Fretting over this will get you nowhere fast.
Weird weird weird.
I don't think it would be normal to dance that close to anyone when you're in a long term relationship.
But to do it IN FRONT of your partner???
And with a family member???
In front off all of your own family and other guy's partner???
Weird weird weird, wrong wrong wrong.
I would end it tbh. At the very least you have very different ideas of what is appropriate behaviour. More likely you are right and there is/was something between them. Either way, she's making you feel like a jealous fool and that's not a ghood sign for the future is it?
I absolutely would show her the photos and also point out, that every single person that has seen the photos said it looked " wrong" she is trying to turn this back on you, don't let her. Don't doubt yourself.
I know you really like her, but if it were my brother I would be telling him to dump her. Sorry
I'd feel the same as you. Do you know if they have a history together?
Sorry to say it, but this will not go away, it will forever be in your brain, & cause you future doubts . Best to end the relationship now.
I'd dump her if she sees nothing wrong with dancing with another bloke like that, especially right in front of you. Step brother or not.
She likes him like a brother? I would never ever dance with my brother like that! Not in a million. You're not wrong but she is for trying to make you feel bad about finding it upsetting.
God this is a complete nightmare, I was desperately hoping you would all tell me I'm just over reacting and being jealous over nothing.
She's got so far into my head I always believe everything she tells me even against my own internal feelings. I've been apologizing for the way I reacted to this to her for days now.
For the record all I did was walk up to her on the dance floor and say "come on man" "he's got his hands all over you" she took a massive strop and caused a huge scene in front of everyone.
She's put so much doubt into myself I've been apologizing to everyone for causing a scene and grovelling to her because she said she was ready to leave the relationship because of the way I behaved.
I was actually scared to tell this story on here because she's made me believe I'm a jealous lunatic and I was a bit worried you would all attack me.
No way I'd dance with my brother (or indeed anyone who wasn't my DP) like that.
Perhaps they have actual history, or perhaps just a 'spark' that they haven't acted on due to being related.
She either sees him as a 'brother' or not, she can't dance with him like a random bloke she fancies but then play the family card when it suits.
Sorry, but I'm with everyone else on this, sounds odd and uncomfortable for you to see. She is minimising and messing with your head.
Bad enough to do it if she then apologised, but as she doesn't accept it was wrong and is even upset with you about it, I'd say she's not right for you.
It's making me angry just thinking about DP dancing with someone else like that, step family or not (he has female friends he's known since school who are like part of the family and if he did that in front of me with one of them I'd be livid).
I find it odd she is referring to two unrelated blokes she has never met as her brothers!
I don't know if I have enough of an opinion on the dancing
I dont know anything about dating but even i know if my husband put his hands on another womans waist forget backside he wouldnt see his hands again or me.
i wouldnt trust her if she cant admit what shw did was wrong. Plusctheyre famiky so youwill meet them maybe once a year at the very least are you prepared to deal with that?
She obviously thinks its Ok to dance with other men like this and she thinks it Ok to do it in front of you. It's very hurtful behaviour and if you she can't be trusted when she's right there under your nose then I doubt she could be trusted when you're not around either.
Find somebody nice before she messes with your head even more. This is not good for you.
Sometimes you just know in your gut that the feelings are inappropriate between two people.
For the "brother" to make a comment to you like he did, says it all. It also suggests possible history between them.
I am slightly confused as i read that they had never met before?
Im assuming they have!
You took the photos knowing she would deny it, which tells me there have been other situations you have been in where she has made you question things.
Diddlydokey is spot on. You can overanalyze this from every which way. But your gut reaction on the night was that their behaviour. And he knew it and so did his Dad.
Whether it is enough to end the relationship is your call. But I suggest that if you can't talk to your gf about it, then it is probably the beginning of the end anyway.
I wonder how she would feel if you danced like that with a woman friend or family member. I would hazard a guess she wouldn't like it.
Sorry OP - I think you should find somebody ... well ... nicer.
I would advise you to end it, frankly. Easier said than done, I know. But she sounds horrible.
How will you feel in ten years' time if you are still with her, and her behaviour has not changed?
I just don't know what to do. I've raised her 5 year old little boy as if he was my own for the last 2 years and love him to bits. If I leave I'm not just walking out on her, I'm leaving him too and I know his heart will be broken, along with mine. I might give it a few days until everything has calmed down and show her the photos and tell her I want the truth. Honestly I'd rather she was just honest about it and if something was going on I can chose whether or not I can deal with that.
She has known him for about 10 years, she's 27 now. Apparently he was there for her when she went through hard times in the past etc and they have always been "close" but she swears she has never had feelings for him or fancied him etc.
I never thought she'd lie to me, not in a million years. My head is completely all over the place.
Join the discussion
Please login first.