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What makes a married/partner person think that they can have a good relationship with a new person?

(22 Posts)
viridus Tue 12-Jan-16 12:30:34

It's a hidden relationship right? The freedom to get to know each other is not there. It's not practically possible.
When the cheat is proposing the one who they want to cheat with they are dealing in lies. It's similar to a poor person claiming they are rich.
Similar to the devil tempting Jesus, claiming that it is he who has the world to give.
Don't offer a relationship, when you are not free to give one.

loveyoutothemoon Tue 12-Jan-16 20:18:05

In English?

flatbellyfella Wed 13-Jan-16 10:09:10

What she is saying is, Don't start a new relationship, before ending the one you are already in.

Andthentherewasmum Wed 13-Jan-16 10:15:44

I was with you until you brought the devil into it... confused

AuntieStella Wed 13-Jan-16 10:17:28

I suppose: 'the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'

viridus Wed 13-Jan-16 11:25:01

It would save time and heartache if the cheaters could be honest and say things like : -

I would like to continue pretending to love my wife/husband/partner, while I behave in a secretive way telling lies to who I want to cheat with.

Or I am too frightened to live on my own, I will take my time and put my interests first before I tell these two people in my life how I feel and what I am going to do, etc, etc.

jillyarmeen16 Wed 13-Jan-16 15:50:01

Sorry you're going through this op. Do you want to talk about what happened?
I'm sure your emotions are all over the place. Don't try to make sense of it.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 13-Jan-16 16:21:42

When, many years ago, I had to tell a dear married friend that my then husband (& father of my DCs) had started a new relationship & was leaving, she said 'but he had no right to start a new r'ship!' I think that's what you're saying, viridus - and I've never forgotten it.

Offred Wed 13-Jan-16 16:48:20

I think cheating is always wrong.

I don't think the reasons you have outlined are always the things people say, do, think or are motivated by when they cheat.

Is this about you?

I tend to disagree with some parts of 'not being free to' as that could conceivably be applied when one person refuses to accept the end of a relationship just as it could be applied to someone making a concerted effort to cheat.

Offred Wed 13-Jan-16 16:50:14

And I think the answer to the title, in all situations where relationships run concurrently (by anyone's definition), is 'because they consider themselves free to'

maggiethemagpie Wed 13-Jan-16 19:21:09

A lot of people can be in a relationship physically/financially/socially but emotionally they moved out a long time ago.

Not saying cheating is right, and I'd never do it, but I can see that emotionally those people may consider that there is a vacancy to be filled.

viridus Thu 14-Jan-16 11:09:58

Thank you for responses. It's interesting to read them. I am no longer involved with the cheat, so not affected any more.
The point about "having the right to or not", we all have free will to decide to do various actions. What I don't get is the deceit. There is plenty of time between someone deciding to cheat and then finally telling the victim, and it's what happens during this time that is revealing.
Falling in love with another person, or any other reason can be valid but it's how the cheater behaves to others, with what they have decided to do.

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 11:25:37

The only explanation in any situation IMO is that the person who is lying and cheating feels they are entitled to.

The feeling may be based on things ranging from appalling to wrong but understandable but it all comes back to the feeling that they are entitled to do it.

If you had an appalling one then you have had a lucky escape, though it may not feel that way.

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 11:30:18

As the victim of the cheating and lying you are not obligated to accept the cheating liar's justifications and you don't need validation from others or to heed other people's suggestions that you should be understanding or accept justifications. The person breached your boundaries and their agreement with you and you were hurt. End of story.

viridus Thu 14-Jan-16 14:26:23

Offred I agree with you, the cheater does feel entitled. Their aim is to satisfy their needs and wants. However the truth will out even though they deny it, may be not then but later.
Yes definitely a lucky escape. I don't blame them, and now I forgive them. I do think it is important to warn and explain to others how bad cheating is and not to get involved in it. There are many who want to cheat and prey on others. Blame doesn't solve problems but an awareness and help with these issues, and turning away from cheating.

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 14:36:23

I don't think not blaming and forgiving will necessarily be helpful for you.

He is to blame, he doesn't necessarily deserve forgiveness.

Not blaming when someone is blameworthy and forgiving when they don't deserve forgiveness doesn't help you move forward. IMO that just transfers those feelings into self blame and low self esteem.

You don't need to have released him from blame and forgiven him to move on, understand or to treat other people (and him) reasonably and with respect IMO.

Some things people have done to me are unforgivable and I will never forgive them for them. I still have a relationship with some of them (parents, XP). They are entirely to blame for the things they have done, I have released myself from any responsibility from accepting those two facts.

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 14:37:25

*by accepting those two facts.

viridus Thu 14-Jan-16 17:41:39

It is only recently that I have come to understand what forgiveness is. I should say that I am a Christian. It does sound weird I know but it is the best thing I ever done. Without this I would be still upset.
Difficult to explain - true forgiveness releases the forgiver, it is up to the cheater whether they admit to their own behaviour or not.

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 17:49:46

That's not my experience TBH. Trying to force forgiveness that isn't deserved or appropriate is just a form of denial which can seriously impede your ability to recover IMO.

That said, the word forgiveness is subjective.

viridus Thu 14-Jan-16 17:57:30

We all have different opinions and choices. All I can say is that it really and truly works for me.

Offred Thu 14-Jan-16 18:00:32

But you are posting here. I would dispute the assertion that you have processed it. It is still in your mind, you still want answers. IMO that indicates that you are just denying yourself a proper grieving process by feeling pressure to forgive too quickly/inappropriately.

IMO people deserve compassion, kindness and respect. Some things are unforgivable.

viridus Fri 15-Jan-16 11:48:24

I think it is good to process things. I dont agree about rushing about without examining what went on in the relationship i had. Most people rush around without thinking about their life journey. I want to rule the clock not have the clock rule me. I like finding out answers, and learning. It's wonderful to be given this life and to be given choices to make every day.
There is so much pain and fear in this world, but I can now cope so much better with that now. I like to share this with others.

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